A Fool's Revenge.

I was in a much better mood. I think getting a few furry friends was a good idea on my part. I felt more at ease having Mittens around and soon to be, Layla. I couldn’t wait to pick her up in a week.

I totally forgot that Josh was here, so much so that I screamed when I walked into the kitchen while he was eating. I scared him too because he spit out his cereal. I chuckled a little and he just looked at me wide eyed like I was insane.

“Sorry, I forgot you were here.” I said as I made myself a bowl of cereal and sat across from him. We sat in silence until I turned the news on. We chuckled at the stupid and crazy stories we heard and occasionally threw in a comment or two about them but other than that, Balz was quiet. Quieter than normal.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as I finished my cereal. He, again, stayed quiet.

“Josh, c’mon, what’s wrong?” I said quietly as I sat down next to him and made him look at me.

“I, I can’t ever lose you.” He said with tears welling up in his eyes. I didn’t totally understand what he was talking about or why but I was taken back by it.

“What do you mean? You’re never gonna lose me, Josh.” I whispered and gently put my hand on his shoulder but he quickly jumped up pushing me back slightly. The chair tipped a little but I gripped the table so I wouldn’t fall.

“You don’t know that! Jayme, what the fuck are we gonna do if one day you get so upset while no one is here and you… you go too far?!” he grabbed me harshly by the shoulders looked me dead in the eyes while tears rolled down his face like raindrops on a window pane and shook me a little then let go. I didn’t know what to say so I stayed quiet.

“You don’t understand how hard it is to be so close to someone and knowing that they hurt themselves when times get tough and living so damn far away that even if something happened, you wouldn’t be there to do anything about it! YOU DON’T GET IT.” his voice cracked and I started crying. I couldn’t say anything, nothing would come out.

“Jayme, I can’t, none of us can lose you in that way. You don’t get that you really are the person that brings us all together. You’re such an amazing person and it’s so amazing how you can just bring a smile to anyone’s face. You’re like this random ass rainbow in the middle of the night that shines so fucking bright and I don’t know what I would do without that. Most of us, all the people you know in different bands, barely talked or hung out with each other until you came around.” He laughed in a deranged type of way and continued.

“This girl comes into our life and shakes it up and now we’re all talking regularly and hanging out when we’re near and I just don’t get how someone who has such an impact on so many people can even THINK about hurting herself let alone do it. You know, the first day we met I told Chris that you were some kind of crazy ass bitch. We had heard the stories and I was skeptical to even talk to you. Chris just said, “Well, aren’t we all?” and laughed. I would have never in a million years think I would be so comfortable around someone in my life. I’ve never been one to show my emotions but you’re just that kind of person that I can just vent and let everything out and be okay with it.” he looked at me and shook his head when I didn’t say anything.

“You’re the kind of person that even when you’re pissed at us, we know it won’t last long because you honestly care about us and that’s what we love most about you. You’re just you. And you are an amazing, charismatic, eccentric, artistic, brutally honest crazy ass bitch that we can’t get enough of. If you left us, we would be lost. You’re the only person in my group of friends that I can one hundred percent count on if I need advice or an ear to listen or just a fucking hug. I just, I fucking love you and all your crazy quirks. We all do.” He sighed and sat down just looking at me with dreary eyes.

I didn’t know what to say so I just squeezed him as hard as I could and cried. I cried until nothing came out. I still didn’t say anything because, well, how could I say anything after that? ‘Sorry’ definitely wouldn’t cut it.

“I’m sorry for yelling and almost knocking you off the chair but I had to get it out.” He mumbled into my ear and I nodded.

“I’m gonna go take a shower.” He said quietly and I just gave him a small smile as he walked away. I waited until the door closed to the bathroom and shower started before I started mumbling to myself.

I never thought about it like that before and it really made me feel like a piece of shit. I never what I was doing was hurting other people but the way Josh put it just made it seem so much worse. He’s right though. If I did cut too deep on accident, then what? I thought to myself and ended up shrugging in mild frustration.

I heard the shower shut off so I just walked up to my room and quietly shut the door. I curled myself up under the blankets and soon, I was falling back to sleep.


I woke up a few hours later to my itty bitty black and white kitten licking my nose. I forgot to feed him this morning so I figured he wanted food. I gingerly got out of bed and quietly stepped out of my room. I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard Josh on the phone.

“Okay, thanks for letting me know. She’s gonna be so hurt by this….. No, I know her and so do you. It’ll kill her just like it always does when this happens. Alright, I’ll talk to you later dude.”

Well, that was weird but I’ll pretend like I didn’t hear it because I really just don’t want to know.

I walked down the stairs with Mittens right on my heels and fed him. Josh smiled at me and I smiled back. I fed Mittens and he happily ate it up.

“Are you okay?” Josh mumbled lowly as I got to the bottom of the stairs.

“Is anyone ever really okay?” I chuckled and so did he. I walked back upstairs but left my door open. I checked my phone to see if there was a voicemail or even a text from Mike. There was nothing, just a few things from twitter and a handful of texts from friends. I didn’t answer anyone instead I laid my head back down on my pillow. I stayed like that just thinking about everything about my life.


I felt my phone vibrating and I suddenly got nervous to answer but I did.

“Hey babe! Sorry I haven’t called or texted, it’s been crazy here. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow though. I know it’s a little late. I just wanted to check in before we started warming up. How are you?” he said and my heart skipped a beat as soon as I heard his voice. It was so soothing to me. I missed hearing it every morning

“It’s okay, I figured you were busy. I actually have something to tell you and I don’t know how you’ll take it. Well, actually I do but…” I said quietly. I didn’t want him to hear the sadness in my voice.

“What is it, Jay?” He said with a bit of hesitation in his voice.

“I cut myself a couple weeks ago…” I said with a little crack of my voice and a cough to try and stop from bursting into tears.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad. Don’t cry, please.” He said hurriedly and I just held my hand to my mouth and breathed. I sniffled and didn’t say anything for a while.

“Jayme, I have something to tell you. I’m sorry and I know it’s going to hurt you and I don’t know what to-” I cringed at the sound of his voice at that moment.

“What?” my voice cracked and I held the phone away from my ear for a moment.

“I… I made out with a girl one night at a bar. I didn’t do anything else but it got heated and I’m so sorry and I wish I was there instead of on the road when I’m telling you this.” His voice cracked. I pressed end call and I dropped my phone to the floor. I couldn’t help but cry and that’s what I did. I wasn’t pissed off or vengeful. I was simply disappointed.

Josh came in with a sad look and pulled me into his arms and just let me cry. This is what he was talking about in the phone. I thought to myself as he tried to calm me down.

Eventually, I ran out of tears and he looked down at me.

“It’s okay, Jayme.” He lulled and I chuckled.

“Is it? I don’t know anymore.” I shook my head and wiped the last of the tears away. He didn’t say anything more because it would just end in a huge argument.

I thought about how much I loved Mike and how it wasn’t SO bad and could be worse and then I thought about what to next.

“I’m just gonna go back to sleep. Okay?” I mumbled and he nodded and got up.

“Let me know if you need anything.” He said sympathetically and I nodded.
I picked my phone up off the floor and turned it back on. While I waited for it to turn back on, I thought about whether I should call him back or not. I decided against it because I was welling up with tears again.

Through blurry eyes, I sent him a message.



To; Babe<3 ;*
Hey, I know you hate to hear my cry so I hung up. I’m sad but at least you didn’t sleep with the girl. I’m not mad. Have a great show tonight. Goodnight, I love you Mike. Always.

Notes

Welllllll, I hope this satisfies those of you who were on the edge of your seats and those of you who love the dramatics!


Surgery went well, I'm still recovering and feel really gross. there's a good chance I'm gonna have to go in for surgery again and that sucks so I've been really depressed about that and that's the big reason as to why I haven't updated in a little bit.

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