Screams of Silence

I took a deep and shaky breath as I pushed through the mass of people outside of the terminal. I only looked behind once, to see the look of confusion and maybe a hint of disappointment on Tony’s face after I had darted away.

I ran my fingers through my hair as I broke free on the other side of the crowd. Shit, shit, shit, shit, I thought. You’ve really fucked up now, Tori.

But maybe this was how it was supposed to be. Maybe we weren’t supposed to be real-life friends. Maybe the only place I belonged in Tony’s life was behind a computer screen, as pathetic as that sounded.

I found my car in the parking lot and sunk into the drivers seat. I didn’t even start the car, even though the Phoenix sun had heated it up to ninety degrees with the half hour it had been sitting in the lot and it was suffocating. I was too upset to really care, though. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed into my palms, leaning forward into the top of the steering wheel. I hated how things were—I hated how I was—but it was all for a reason. A reason long buried just like my words and ability to communicate verbally.

I leaned back and rested my hands on the wheel. I jammed my keys into the ignition and my car roared to life, it was an old, cheap model so the engine was obnoxious. I cranked up the air conditioning and breathed in the cool air. I felt less constricted as the air soothed my lungs and dried the beads of sweat that probably had built up on my hairline—so less constricted that maybe I could force out a word. Now that I wasn’t under the pressure of the heat maybe I could force out a word and go back to Tony. Maybe I could try and take back what I did. Maybe I could try and be a normal friend to him.

Just say hi, I ordered my self. I opened my mouth but fear slowly crawled up the back of my throat and choked me from the inside out. It overwhelmed me. Even though it was getting cold in my car now I felt like I was burning up again. I took in a breath and I knew I was breathing but for some reason it felt like nothing was happening.

Maybe I wasn’t breathing.

I took in a breath but this time it really felt like something was physically blocking the air from filling my lungs. My shoulders heaved as I started to panic. I couldn’t breathe. The fear was literally choking me.

I started to cry even harder, reburying my head into my hands as my body convulsed pathetically. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t…

Keep your mouth shut if you don’t want to get hurt.

I shuddered and swallowed hard. I swallowed my fear down because I knew I was okay—I couldn’t be afraid anymore. But unfortunately when I swallowed down my fear, my words went right down with it. I sighed and wiped my face with my shaking fingertips. I was calm now. I couldn’t talk but at least I could breathe. I was alive, I just happened to not use one of my senses. But wasn’t four enough? It was better than nothing.

Maybe Tony would just accept it. I bit on my lip. I thought that he’d be angry or think I was a freak, but Tony wasn’t like that. I should have known better. I sighed again and rubbed my cheek with my hand.

I continued to bite on my lip and pulled out my phone. I typed: I’m sorry Tony… we just kinda met each other… I freaked out and ran away…

My thumb hovered over the ‘send’ button but it was shaking so bad that it hit the ‘cancel message’ button instead. I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t right. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

I was just a disappointment.

I tucked my phone away and put my car into reverse. I pulled out of the spot and then changed into forward drive, going to exit the airport. I didn’t know where I was going exactly but for some reason I didn’t want to go home. Even though I was lying to Tony I felt like going home would make the lie even worse.

I wiped my eyes as I drove, clearing up my vision. Only a few minutes away from the airport was a familiar coffee shop. It was too hot for coffee right now but it was a good place to relax for a few minutes, at least.

I’ve always been a shy girl, even before I turned mute. When I was nine years old my mom had taken me to this very shop and said I could get a caffeinated drink—my first one ever, something that seemed really exciting at the time—if I ordered it myself. I did it with a shy smile on my face but I did it nonetheless. I stayed up all night that night because I was so hyped up on pride and caffeine but it had been worth it.

As I walked inside, the memory swirled in my head, making me smile. I stared at the line, envisioning my old self standing there with my mom, nervous to order but excited for my “fancy” drink. Back when things made sense. I shook my head, the memory dissolving sort of like an etch-a-sketch drawing, and I turned away. I was twenty-seven years old but more afraid to speak than when I was nine years old.

I sat carefully down into booth. I traced designs on to the top of the table with my finger, gently moving it around and even though I had no idea what I was doing I stared at it with concentration and thoughtfulness as if I did.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I broke my gaze on the table and pulled it out—it was a message from Tony. I sighed sadly and opened it up warily: hey, I checked into a hotel for the night. It’s the Clarendon on West Clarendon Ave, idk if you’ve heard of it—if it’s not too late when you finish your meeting do you want to come here and get dinner with me?

I sighed and rubbed my forehead with my hand. I was glad he had taken my advice to stay there—it was a nice place, when I was little we stayed there as a family just for fun. Dad had been stressed with work so naturally mom was stressed too, so they suggested a weekend at a place other than our house. I had a spa day with my mom and got to sleep in a king sized bed all by myself. We even got to go on the rooftop deck and see the skyline view of Phoenix. It was a local down-to-earth, relaxing, and enjoyable place to stay from what I could remember—not super fancy but my little kid self definitely saw it as five stars.

I smiled softly at the memory. I had memories of my family scattered around the entire city of Phoenix—I just haven’t been out in a while to really think about them.

But then I frowned. How do I say no to Tony?

I bit my lip. I checked the time to see that it was half past four—I had a lot of time to kill and maybe build up some confidence. Sure, that sounds nice, Tone! :)

I sent the image, biting down on my lip as I did so. There was no turning back now. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself for disappointing Tony twice in the same day, so now I didn’t have a choice but to really face him. I sighed shakily and ran my fingers through my hair.

He replied quickly, Cool, I’ll just explore Phoenix all by myself to pass the time then :P

I knew he was teasing, but the message still struck me.

Okay, don’t get lost pls lol :)

I teased him right back even though I felt far from lighthearted. I felt horrible for ditching him. I couldn’t undo it.

Or, maybe I can, I thought as I looked up. I brushed my hair out of my face to get a better look—I instantly froze up when I saw him, walking into the coffee shop, his face neutral and a little red from the heat but it was definitely Tony. He glanced down at his phone and his face lit up in an unforgettable smile, his chest vibrated—I could tell from over here—as he laughed quietly at his phone. My phone buzzed again and I checked it—it was him: I’ll try haha

I smiled softly. It didn’t seem real to me that the Tony behind my messages was the same Tony standing at the entrance of the shop. My Tony. He was right there, in the flesh. I was tempted to run up and just wrap my arms around him in a bone crushing hug but then I’d have to explain myself—something that was impossible for me to do right now.

As I realized that this was real—he was really there—my heart rate picked up and I grew extremely anxious. I slightly shifted in my seat, half hoping that Tony wouldn’t see me, yet also hoping that he would. Of course I’d run into Tony, though—I guess us meeting really was, as cheesy as it sounded, meant to be. My insides twisted though, my mind was on fire as it considered all of the ways this could go wrong. I had dug myself into a hole and when I looked up, I barely saw the light. There was no way I could climb out of this one. My only option was to dig deeper and deeper, maybe until I reached China. China sounds really nice right now.

To Tony, I was not Tori—I didn’t get the sense that he had recognized me at all. I couldn’t face him now—I couldn’t just blurt out, ‘hey Tony, it’s me Tori, y’know, your best friend of fifteen plus years—sorry that you don’t recognize me and that I ran away from you and lied to you, but hey, at least I’m here now, right?’

Then again, I couldn’t blurt out anything.

Trapped within myself, too afraid to speak, the words were all stuck in my chest—they never even made it to the tip of my tongue these days. Could Tony help pull them out, or would my throat always be this constricted?

Why did he have to be so friendly? I thought as he walked over to me—it was my fault, too, because I had been staring at him too long, admiring his presence from afar until he probably got the vibe that he was being looked at and turned to the source—to me.

“Hey again,” he smiled. I noticed that he was slightly biting the inside of his cheek, a nervous habit perhaps. Then I realized that I was staring at him too long again and lifted my right hand, giving him a small wave coupled with a gentle smile. “I swear I didn’t stalk you,” he laughed. “But I just saw you here by yourself so I figured I’d say something,” he continued, rubbing the back of his neck. I swallowed a little and nodded, lifting the corners of my mouth again for him.

I had so much I wanted to say to him—a feeling I didn’t experience often. Did you find the hotel? How did you like it? What are you doing in Phoenix—even though I technically already knew, I just wanted to have a conversation. I haven’t wanted a conversation like this before, something simple and meaningless but it would mean the world to me because it would be with Tony. Sorry for running away earlier, I don’t have an excuse for that. Do you want to sit and have a coffee with me? By the way, I love you.

I shook my head.

I couldn’t choke even a simple hello out.

“Hey, uh,” Tony started, placing his fingers on the edge of the table I was sitting at. He gazed at the area a little and then said, “can I sit here with you? Maybe buy you something cool to drink. It’s hot out,” he commented. My cheeks warmed. I wanted to be with Tony—so why not? I smiled a little and nodded. “Cool,” he grinned. “Er,” he bit on his lip and rubbed the back of his neck again. “What can I get for you?” he asked.

Oh, no, you don’t have to do that! I wanted to say. But when I opened my mouth the same fear that had made me nearly pass our twenty minutes ago started to creep back up, so I shut it quickly. I smiled politely and shook my head, dismissing him with the wave of my hand.

He looked at me quizzically for only a second, but it quickly vanished. He smiled broadly, his teeth showing. On his top set of teeth, he had small little vampire-like teeth, one on either side. He was so damn cute.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, and before I could somehow wordlessly object, he patted the table with his palm and turned on his heels.

As he turned away, I sighed heavily. I rested my elbows on the table and supported my head with the heels of my palms on my forehead. This was probably a huge mistake, yet I couldn’t just turn Tony away. I could walk away from him—sort of—but I couldn’t bear to see him walk away from me. How selfish did that make me?

“I got you a strawberry banana smoothie,” he said, reappearing suddenly. I had probably been zoned out, lost in my own thoughts for however minutes it took Tony. I lifted my head up and smiled at him as he slid into the booth across from me. He seemed pretty comfortable even though I was technically a perfect stranger to him right now. It was my understanding that Tony was like me, in that he was shy in public and not that talkative. Now, though, he seemed pretty confident—did he sense that it was me? Did he know?

I smiled thankfully. Strawberry banana was my favorite.

“It’s my best friend’s favorite,” he said with a smile, afterwards taking a sip out of his own. I smiled and looked down shyly. I had to hide my excitement, because he had no clue that I was that friend. “I guess I should introduce myself now, right?” he asked with a small chuckle. I giggled a little and nodded. You’re Tony, I thought.

“I’m Tony.” He bit his lip a little and slightly furrowed his eyebrows at me. He leaned forward a little and stared at me intently. It didn’t make me feel uncomfortable, though. It was Tony, after all. I had to keep reminding myself that he had no idea who I was—or maybe he did. “And what’s your name?” he finally asked. His voice, I noticed, was low and wary, as if he had a feeling I wasn’t going to reply verbally. I bit my lip and looked down shyly. Why was Tony even wasting his time here, talking to an obviously mute girl? Then again, Tony was gentle and kind so of course he would stick around for someone like me.

Then why didn’t you just come clean to him in the first place? Why don’t you just come clean now? My subconscious scolded me. I blinked and sighed, taking the pen and notepad that I always carried with me out of my bag and placing it on the table. To my surprise, Tony didn’t look confused as to what I was doing—instead, his face brightened up and he smiled, as if me making an effort to communicate in any way was enough. As if the written and physically spelled out words meant enough to him. I should have known that though.

There’s no turning back now, though, I thought as I gently wrote out the letters that spelled my name—my middle name, actually. Ella.

I sighed a little as I wrote it. I was hardly thinking. But I didn’t want to be Tori right now. If I were Tori—if I had used the letters t-o-r-i instead of e-l-l-a—Tony would have possibly freaked out, maybe he would have gotten annoyed or even angry with me. And I liked seeing Tony this way, I wasn’t ready to lose him yet. I’ve disappointed him but even worse—I’ve disappointed myself.

Notes

OMG GUYS LOOK IT"S ONLY BEEN A DAY AND I UPDATED AGAIN
I have an easier time writing for Tori, that's why I think :)

Thanks a billion again for all your comments and stuff! You guys are awesome and we look forward to reveal our master plans in due time >:)

Mucho love xoxo

Claire