Tony,

What are you doing? You can’t fall in love with your best friend. It’s so wrong. Okay, you may think that it makes complete sense but it doesn't. They two of you don't make sense at all.

You can look at it in two ways.

The first is that you don’t tell her you have a crush on her or whatever. You remain friends. You endure her talking about how in love she is with whatshisname. Your friendship is safe. You two stay talking to each other when you grow older. She visits you in San Diego and you visit her in Phoenix. The next thing, she tells you that she’s getting married and she wants you up in the front during the wedding. You watch the one you love marry someone else. You never tell her how you feel. Your friendship is safe. Because that’s all you guys will ever be. Friends.

The second, you do tell her how you feel. But let’s be real here. Just because you told her doesn’t mean that she’ll accept your love. She might not even feel the same way. Dude, she obviously doesn’t because she’s taking him to prom and the prom after that and whatever comes after that. She’s not taking you. But on the upside if she ever chooses you over him, how will it work? You haven’t even met her in person for crying out loud! She’s all the way Arizona and you’re here in San Diego. Sure, it could be worse, like she could live somewhere far like New York or New Zealand but still, it’s unlikely that it’ll ever work out in the end. And when it craps out, where will it leave you guys when it comes to piecing back together the pieces that aren’t broken? It’ll be ugly, man. The friendship you’ve have for years, it’ll crumble within minutes. You’ll lose the person who you trust the most, the person who makes you feel like a million dollars when it’s a day when you feel like a dime, the person who you never wanted to lose.

She’s your best friend. And she’s the person you so happen to have fallen in love with. It just had to be Tori. Life’s a bitch, okay? It’s best if you just get over it. Besides, wouldn’t you rather be her friend than nothing at all? I know my answer. You should too.

Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

As if you could help it.

Tony.


December 3, 2002

To: tony.perry25@suprememail.com
From: victoriaholt@aol.com
Subject: So excited!!!

Hey Tony!

It’s nearly Christmas! I can’t wait. I want it to be Christmas every day because everyone’s so happy! The only thing is that Arizona is a freaking desert so there’s no snow and we decorate cactuses. Cactuses. This is like stooping down to the lowest point. We should go to a small town in Germany and see what it’s like to celebrate the holidays there! It would be very traditional and I reckon it would also be so cute.

And it’s even closer to prom! It’s this Saturday night and I’m bouncing on the seat as I write you this. I have my dress and mom’s gonna take me into a salon to get my hair and makeup done. This night is going to be perfect and I can feel it. It feels so complete. Great friends, hot date and some killer beats. I’m so gonna request some Fall Out Boy or Blink-182 haha. Maybe I should ask for ‘First Date’…

Did you get to ask the girl you like to go the prom with you? I’m sorry again that I had to rush off so soon when you were describing her. She sounds so lovely though and I think you guys would look great together. She’d be so lucky to have you. Maybe you should give me her email address to I can tell her about you (good things though I promise!)

Love, Tori :)


December 5, 2002

To: victoriaholt@aol.com
From: tony.perry25@suprememail.com
Subject: Re: So excited!!

I second the going to a small German town for a white Christmas. I haven’t been to the snow in ages so I’m down to a change in weather. Hahaha it’s cacti, not cactuses. English is a weird language man. Why don’t we just learn German instead? You can’t complain about the girls and the beer either!

That’s so rad. I think the songs on the playlist of our school dance are the same songs that play all the time on the radio which is so annoying. Pray for some decent music please? And if they have it, request ‘Dammit’ by Blink. That’s the first song I learnt how to play, remember?

She was going to prom with someone else. I may like her but I don’t think I’ll ever get a shot with her. There’s a lot of distance between us, even though we go to the same school if you know what I mean. But I’m going to the dance with a friend of a friend’s girlfriend. Her name is Leah and she was in my English class back in freshmen year. We’re going as friends though.

Okay, your Christmas spirit is growing on me. I’m gonna help Mom decorate the tree. I’ll buy a little cactus and put tinsel around it. It can be the Tori tree.

Tony.


December 9, 2002

To: tony.perry25@suprememail.com
From: victoriaholt@aol.com
Subject: woop dee doo

Can we go to Germany now and feast on their chocolate cakes and sweets and stay there forever and listen to our music and talk about what lying, stupid douchebags guys are? Except you though.


December 10, 2002

To: victoriaholt@aol.com
From: tony.perry25@suprememail.com
Subject: are you okay?

Um, sure. What happened? Did something happen during prom? I’ll IM you

You have an instant message from TONY

Tony: Hey, you alright?

Tori: Boys are stupid

Tony: I agree

Tori: they are literally the must infuriating things in the world

Tori: and they smell as well. Very bad.

Tony: What’s wrong Tori?

Tori: don’t laugh or anything…

Tony: Now why would I do that?

Tori: prom sucked.

Tony: but you were so excited for it

Tori: for all the wrong reasons. It was supposed to be perfect, Tony, but it was the worst night ever.

Tony: What happened?

Tori: the dance started at 7:30pm so I was waiting for Jeremy to show up but he never did. Then I got a call from him around 8:15 letting me to just meet him there at school. So my dad drops me off in his police car and everyone’s looking at the girl who got dropped off to prom by her father in a freaking police cruiser. When I finally see Jeremy, he’s with his ex-girlfriend, Lisa or maybe now I should say current because they were kissing in the corner.

Tony: oh, Tori…

Tori: I’m so frustrated and humiliated. I was going to cry, Tone, literally. He said he liked me and asked me to the dance but he went behind my back with this? Why do you boys do that? I thought it only happened in movies.

Tony: what a bastard. I’m really sorry Tori. I wish I was there to beat him up.

Tori: What do I do Tony?

Tony: You can give him a good slap on the face and throttle him. Spread rumours that he has STDs or something.

Tori: I’m serious though. And I’m considering it.

Tony: Show him what he’s missing out on.

Tori: What?

Tony: Show him what an intelligent, creative and awesome present you are. He doesn’t deserve someone like you after what he did.

Tori: But that’s like saying he never wanted me anyway.

Tony: He’s too stupid to know how lucky he would’ve been if he had you. You’re one of the best people I know, if not, then you ARE the best. You’re talented, funny, insightful and a great person to talk to. A brilliant friend. Jerry is blind. He’s too busy looking at the sun to realise how beautiful a star like you shines.

Tori: why am I so unlucky?

Tony: hey, your life isn’t that bad. You still have your family, your friends, me. You’re a modern day Van Gogh, going to all these art camps and galleries and you’re going to make heaps of money.

Tori: art camp? Is that even a thing?

Tony: I thought you went to one when we were like 11?

Tori: Oh, that’s right. Wow, time really sneaks up on us, doesn’t it?

Tony: Sometimes it does. But anyway, Jerry is an asshole and you deserve someone who will like you for who you are and who wouldn’t ever blow you off.

Tori: His name is Jeremy.

Tony: I don’t care. If his name was Richard, I’d call him Dick.

Tori: hahaha, well he is one.

Tony: Atta girl :D


December 13, 2002.

You have an instant message from TORI

Tori: how was your prom? I hope it was way better than mine.

Tony: I didn’t go.

Tori: we were just discussing how it is not cool to blow someone off on a date a few days ago and you did that.

Tony: I told Leah I wasn’t going. It just didn’t feel right. There are no hard feelings between us though and she understood.

Tori: Why didn’t you go?

Tony: I couldn’t go knowing that I wasn’t going with the girl I liked. Like I said, it didn’t feel right.

Tori: You didn’t know she was going with someone else though.

Tony: my chances with her weren’t so high anyway.

Tori: But you could’ve told her and that might’ve changed things.

Tony: I don’t think it would have. Sides, I could never tell her.

Tori: Why not?

Tony: it would just ruin things.

Tori: You should come out of your turtle shell and tell her! Like, wouldn’t you feel better letting her know how you really feel about her? Have courage. From what you’ve told me about her, I know she’d appreciate your honesty and won’t shut you down for it.

Tony: It’s not all that easy, Tori.

Tori: Why wouldn’t it be? Tony you have to let her know before it’s too late.

Tony: It’s for the best that she doesn’t.

Tori: Tone, why are you so afraid? What have you got to lose?

Tony: This isn’t some game where I have more than one life to spare if I mess up. I’ve got a lot to lose. I could lose the little amount of dignity that I have for myself, my self-esteem and most importantly her. So it’s better if I just stay quiet. I’d rather admire her and never tell her the truth than lose her all together.

Tori: You’re kidding me. That’s such a loud of bullshit.

Tony: You know what, forget about it. You don’t understand.

Tori: Then help me understand, Tony. You can’t hide your feelings from someone. You have to let them know. Screw what they may think. It’s for your own peace of mind.

Tony: I hate to break it to you, but life isn’t a walk in the park. Not everything goes out the way you want it to.

Tori: Who said my life was easy?

Tony: You’re not made fun of everyday. You’re not known as the emo kid in your class. People don’t talk about you behind your back. You’ve got two parents to go home to everyday. Some people aren’t as fortunate as you. I keep everything in because it’s easier.

Tori: Don’t you think it’s easier to actually tell people how you feel rather than leaving them to come up with an assumption themselves. If you put too much pressure on something, it’s going to break. I thought we were best friends. You can tell me anything. Why is it that you seem to forget that so easily?

Tony: Maybe I don’t want to be your best friend anymore. I’m done.

TONY has logged off.


December 14, 2002.

To: tony.perry25@suprememail.com
From: victoriaholt@aol.com
Subject: I’m sorry

Tony,

I shouldn’t have pushed you. Telling the girl you liked that you liked her was your decision and yours alone to make. I shouldn’t have tried to force you into it and I’m sorry. I hope you forgive me. The last thing I want to do is be mad at you during the holidays. I can’t lose you, Tony. I fear that I already have.

Tori


December 25, 2002.

Dear Tony,

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year filled with laughter, friendship and success.

From, Tori.


January 3, 2003

Tori, what have you gotten yourself into? You had to open your big mouth and cause trouble. Why did you have to get your best friend to hate you?


February 19, 2003

You have an instant message from TORI.

Tori: hey

Tori: doing anything exciting for your birthday?

TONY has logged off.


February 25, 2002.

You have an instant message from TONY

Tony: hey

Tori: hi.

Tony: Everything going okay?

Tori: I’m sorry

Tony: We don’t need to talk about it.

Tori: We don’t?

Tony: There’s nothing to talk about.

Tori: Alright.

Tony: Let’s just forget what happened. I have.

Tony: Tori? You still there?

Tori: Sounds great.


March 2, 2003

Tony,

Remember when Dad told you that you had found the person you wanted to spend forever with when you realise without them, you feel incomplete? No matter how hard you try to ignore that empty feeling in your chest, you end up feeling so hollow and lifeless? They bring the colour to your eyes? Although they make you super pissed, you realise that there’s not a day where you won’t forgive them nor is there a day where you can confidently say that you weren’t thinking of them for at least a second?

You’ve found her.

Granted, she makes you mad. She fuels your anger like a fire yet you don’t care that you’re burning because when you’re with her, you’re indestructible. Invincible. She’s like water. She’s something you need but she has the capacity to drown you. To hurt you. Your strength, your weakness. Your everything. But do you care? No. She’s worth the pain.

What makes it worth it is how happy she makes you feel. Every laugh, every smile, every word makes you crave and want more of her. And it is the best feeling in the world.

You have to tell her one day. If you won’t then I will.

Tell Tori you love her.

Tony.

Notes

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