Crooked Young
Lost In My Head Again
KARINA’S POV
Sitting at the dinner table, I stared down at my hands as they held my cutlery. The silence in the room was deafening: the only noise was the odd screech of my dad’s cutlery against his plate, or the sound of his glass making contact with the table.
It had been a few days since the incident regarding Tony and the open door, but my dad had not forgotten about it at all. Every word he spoke to me was stiff and cold, like he was talking out of duty instead of love or care. I hadn’t heard that sort of tone in his voice for years.
The minute I’d finished my dinner, I gently placed my knife and fork down. Shuffling back in the seat and correcting my posture, I asked to be excused.
"You’ll wait until I’m done," my dad replied, not looking me in the eye. "We eat as a family."
I wanted to laugh out loud. I wanted to laugh in his face until my lungs caved in on themselves. Family? We were anything but a family. We were two people bound together by law. But, even then, I was certain he was trying to think of a way to get rid of me. I could just picture a notebook covered in coffee stains hiding under his mattress that was bursting with names of distant relatives I could be shipped off to until college.
My dad finished, eventually, and cleared his throat before telling me to head up to my room. I did so - trudging up with annoyingly light footsteps - and, once again, had to battle the urge to slam my door. I wasn’t being treated as though I was invisible, I was being treated as though I was worthless and, due to the fact I’d spent my whole life trying to please him, that hurt a lot.
Opening my window, I climbed up on to the roof. The sun was setting on the horizon made of rooftops and trees, leaving a warm glow on everything. I sat myself down and dangled my legs over the edge.
It wasn't long until the end of high school. The end of life as I knew it. Every time I was forced to fill out a college application, I wondered what my dad would do if he found out about me and Tony still being together. Would be stop paying? Would he really kick me out?
Groaning loudly, I put my head in my hands. My dad was trying to ship me off to Yale, but I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to be surrounded by people who were aiming to become lawyers, doctors, scientists, and presidents, I just wanted to be around Tony. I knew how silly it sounded, and how much - if I was in a movie - the narrator would be saying "but she was young, she was foolish, she didn't know any better," but I didn't care. What if I don't want to be responsible? I thought harshly. Isn't that what being young is about, anyway? Doing whatever you want before you have to grow up and join adults in their dull lives filled with oppression, conformation and taxes?
Hearing a loud slam, I looked down to see my neighbours piling out of their car across the street. The woman, who I knew as Mrs Rodgers, was balancing a baby in one hand and a large cardboard box in the other. Her other two children, one of which was just a year older than me, followed behind with their designer handbags proudly hanging off their forearms.
Averting my gaze, I looked down at my scruffy converse. On the inside of the left shoe there were a collection of little doodles and quotes which me and Tony drew on one night. Some were barely understandable, but some were clear as day. You could easily make out the daisy I'd drawn, the tiny castle Tony had draw, the blink-182 logo I'd draw, and the words Tony had wrote.
"I'll tear the sky in two for you."
The line was from a Rising song, which meant it brought back memories of that night every time I seen it. The more my eyes became fixed on the lyric, which was fading a little underneath a thin layer of dirt, the more I wanted to get away from house. Away from my dad. Away from the pressure to become everything he wanted and everything I wasn't.
Climbing back inside my room, I quickly went about grabbing a few things and shoving them in my backpack. Even if I could only run away for one night - for one wild, courageous night - I was going to do it.
Pulling on my old black hoodie, I grabbed my iPod and earphones before heading out of my room. I could still hear the TV downstairs, but now I was extremely thankful my dad was focused on it.
Sneaking past the living room, I entered the kitchen and slipped out of the back doors, knowing they shut far quieter than the main one. Since I didn't have my phone, I figured I'd head to the place where I felt I was most welcome. Meg's house.
Even though she still hadn't told me exactly what was going on, we were getting there. I hadn't confronted her about the fact she went to Tony behind my back (simply because I couldn't be bothered with arguing) and I never intended to. I trusted her.
The walk to Meg's house went quicker than I thought, just like the sun setting did. Before I knew it, I was approaching her door in the pitch black. Her bedroom light was on, as were a few others, so I felt a little less bad when I rang the doorbell.
"He- Oh, Kat," Meg said, obviously surprised. She ran a hand through her slightly messy ginger hair, looking a little uncomfortable. Usually, she would have invited me right in.
"Are you busy at the moment?" I asked, a growing feeling of idiocy swallowing me.
"Yeah, sorta," she said, scratching the back of her neck. "Is everything okay?"
"Um, yeah," I replied, what is going on with her? Why is she acting so weird and distant all of a sudden? "I just popped round to see if you had a pair of red heels I could borrow? I've got a stupid family dinner, I was going to call you but y'know... the prison guard still has my phone."
"Oh, yeah sure," she said, nodding a little too vigorously. "I'll run to my room and get 'em, one minute?"
"Sure," I smiled, fiddling with my hands. Meg shut the door in my face, leaving me to stare at her letterbox as she retrieved the shoes I didn't even want.
A minute or so later, the door swung open and Meg let out an exhausted breathe. Why is she in such a rush to get rid of me? Taking the shoes off her, and saying thank you like it meant the world, we exchanged a little small talk before she shut the door again. This time for good.
Feeling like shit, I left Meg's doorstep and decided just to wander the streets. I desperately wanted to go to Tony's house, but he never seemed to like it much there, so I didn't want to invade. Instead, I decided that I'd just embrace the darkness and the coolness and pretend like I wasn't a little terrified.
Almost an hour later, I ended up at Mike's house. Most of the lights were still on, so I headed up the driveway and, rather hesitantly, rang the doorbell.
"Karina," Mike said, opening the door. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Shut up," I laughed, thankful he wasn't being cold like Meg. "And I don't really know," I added, subconsciously grabbing on to the straps of my backpack and looking down. I had shown up to his house near midnight with a backpack and a great lack of excuses: I didn't exactly know what to say in that sort of situation.
"Wait," he said seriously, stepping outside and shutting the door behind him. "Kat, did you run away?"
I looked away from him, I don't have to wait until tomorrow to regret all of this, I thought. The night had not gone as I'd planned. Mike repeated his question in a more pressing tone, which caused me to wince as reality hit me. I'd majorly fucked up.
"I just wanted to get away," I told him, staring down at the ground. "I didn't think it through, Mike. I'm such an idiot."
"No," he argued, "you're honestly like the smartest person I know, Karina. You just- damn. What made you do it? Did you leave your dad a note or something?"
"I was only going to leave for a day or two," I answered, slapping my palm against my forehead at how ridiculous it really sounded. "I just couldn't deal with his bullshit, and all this pressure for exams and college and stuff."
Mike shook his head, an amused smirk on his face. "You're pretty fucking crazy for a straight A student," he laughed, turning and opening the door. "Come on, I'll make you something to eat."
"And smoke?"
"Duh," Mike chuckled.
TONY'S POV
Slamming my bedroom door shut, I lifted the closest object to me and launched it across the room. My hands were shaking with anger, and I felt like I was going to be sick. How could she have done that?
Clenching my fists, I slammed one into my door, the noise being absorbed by the coats and hoodies hanging up. I kept doing it, switching between hands, in the hope that I'd eventually hear the satisfying, thunderous boom. It never did come.
I could barely swallow. I could barely see straight. Everything was warped and fuzzy, but the feeling the pit of my stomach was clear. I felt guilty beyond belief. It wasn't my fault and there I was still feeling guilty.
Flopping on to my bed, I pounded the mattress a few times before giving up. My roof seemed to collapse, and the weight of everything above me fell down.
"She was the one that fucking kissed me!"
Sitting at the dinner table, I stared down at my hands as they held my cutlery. The silence in the room was deafening: the only noise was the odd screech of my dad’s cutlery against his plate, or the sound of his glass making contact with the table.
It had been a few days since the incident regarding Tony and the open door, but my dad had not forgotten about it at all. Every word he spoke to me was stiff and cold, like he was talking out of duty instead of love or care. I hadn’t heard that sort of tone in his voice for years.
The minute I’d finished my dinner, I gently placed my knife and fork down. Shuffling back in the seat and correcting my posture, I asked to be excused.
"You’ll wait until I’m done," my dad replied, not looking me in the eye. "We eat as a family."
I wanted to laugh out loud. I wanted to laugh in his face until my lungs caved in on themselves. Family? We were anything but a family. We were two people bound together by law. But, even then, I was certain he was trying to think of a way to get rid of me. I could just picture a notebook covered in coffee stains hiding under his mattress that was bursting with names of distant relatives I could be shipped off to until college.
My dad finished, eventually, and cleared his throat before telling me to head up to my room. I did so - trudging up with annoyingly light footsteps - and, once again, had to battle the urge to slam my door. I wasn’t being treated as though I was invisible, I was being treated as though I was worthless and, due to the fact I’d spent my whole life trying to please him, that hurt a lot.
Opening my window, I climbed up on to the roof. The sun was setting on the horizon made of rooftops and trees, leaving a warm glow on everything. I sat myself down and dangled my legs over the edge.
It wasn't long until the end of high school. The end of life as I knew it. Every time I was forced to fill out a college application, I wondered what my dad would do if he found out about me and Tony still being together. Would be stop paying? Would he really kick me out?
Groaning loudly, I put my head in my hands. My dad was trying to ship me off to Yale, but I didn't want to go there. I didn't want to be surrounded by people who were aiming to become lawyers, doctors, scientists, and presidents, I just wanted to be around Tony. I knew how silly it sounded, and how much - if I was in a movie - the narrator would be saying "but she was young, she was foolish, she didn't know any better," but I didn't care. What if I don't want to be responsible? I thought harshly. Isn't that what being young is about, anyway? Doing whatever you want before you have to grow up and join adults in their dull lives filled with oppression, conformation and taxes?
Hearing a loud slam, I looked down to see my neighbours piling out of their car across the street. The woman, who I knew as Mrs Rodgers, was balancing a baby in one hand and a large cardboard box in the other. Her other two children, one of which was just a year older than me, followed behind with their designer handbags proudly hanging off their forearms.
Averting my gaze, I looked down at my scruffy converse. On the inside of the left shoe there were a collection of little doodles and quotes which me and Tony drew on one night. Some were barely understandable, but some were clear as day. You could easily make out the daisy I'd drawn, the tiny castle Tony had draw, the blink-182 logo I'd draw, and the words Tony had wrote.
"I'll tear the sky in two for you."
The line was from a Rising song, which meant it brought back memories of that night every time I seen it. The more my eyes became fixed on the lyric, which was fading a little underneath a thin layer of dirt, the more I wanted to get away from house. Away from my dad. Away from the pressure to become everything he wanted and everything I wasn't.
Climbing back inside my room, I quickly went about grabbing a few things and shoving them in my backpack. Even if I could only run away for one night - for one wild, courageous night - I was going to do it.
Pulling on my old black hoodie, I grabbed my iPod and earphones before heading out of my room. I could still hear the TV downstairs, but now I was extremely thankful my dad was focused on it.
Sneaking past the living room, I entered the kitchen and slipped out of the back doors, knowing they shut far quieter than the main one. Since I didn't have my phone, I figured I'd head to the place where I felt I was most welcome. Meg's house.
Even though she still hadn't told me exactly what was going on, we were getting there. I hadn't confronted her about the fact she went to Tony behind my back (simply because I couldn't be bothered with arguing) and I never intended to. I trusted her.
The walk to Meg's house went quicker than I thought, just like the sun setting did. Before I knew it, I was approaching her door in the pitch black. Her bedroom light was on, as were a few others, so I felt a little less bad when I rang the doorbell.
"He- Oh, Kat," Meg said, obviously surprised. She ran a hand through her slightly messy ginger hair, looking a little uncomfortable. Usually, she would have invited me right in.
"Are you busy at the moment?" I asked, a growing feeling of idiocy swallowing me.
"Yeah, sorta," she said, scratching the back of her neck. "Is everything okay?"
"Um, yeah," I replied, what is going on with her? Why is she acting so weird and distant all of a sudden? "I just popped round to see if you had a pair of red heels I could borrow? I've got a stupid family dinner, I was going to call you but y'know... the prison guard still has my phone."
"Oh, yeah sure," she said, nodding a little too vigorously. "I'll run to my room and get 'em, one minute?"
"Sure," I smiled, fiddling with my hands. Meg shut the door in my face, leaving me to stare at her letterbox as she retrieved the shoes I didn't even want.
A minute or so later, the door swung open and Meg let out an exhausted breathe. Why is she in such a rush to get rid of me? Taking the shoes off her, and saying thank you like it meant the world, we exchanged a little small talk before she shut the door again. This time for good.
Feeling like shit, I left Meg's doorstep and decided just to wander the streets. I desperately wanted to go to Tony's house, but he never seemed to like it much there, so I didn't want to invade. Instead, I decided that I'd just embrace the darkness and the coolness and pretend like I wasn't a little terrified.
Almost an hour later, I ended up at Mike's house. Most of the lights were still on, so I headed up the driveway and, rather hesitantly, rang the doorbell.
"Karina," Mike said, opening the door. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Shut up," I laughed, thankful he wasn't being cold like Meg. "And I don't really know," I added, subconsciously grabbing on to the straps of my backpack and looking down. I had shown up to his house near midnight with a backpack and a great lack of excuses: I didn't exactly know what to say in that sort of situation.
"Wait," he said seriously, stepping outside and shutting the door behind him. "Kat, did you run away?"
I looked away from him, I don't have to wait until tomorrow to regret all of this, I thought. The night had not gone as I'd planned. Mike repeated his question in a more pressing tone, which caused me to wince as reality hit me. I'd majorly fucked up.
"I just wanted to get away," I told him, staring down at the ground. "I didn't think it through, Mike. I'm such an idiot."
"No," he argued, "you're honestly like the smartest person I know, Karina. You just- damn. What made you do it? Did you leave your dad a note or something?"
"I was only going to leave for a day or two," I answered, slapping my palm against my forehead at how ridiculous it really sounded. "I just couldn't deal with his bullshit, and all this pressure for exams and college and stuff."
Mike shook his head, an amused smirk on his face. "You're pretty fucking crazy for a straight A student," he laughed, turning and opening the door. "Come on, I'll make you something to eat."
"And smoke?"
"Duh," Mike chuckled.
TONY'S POV
Slamming my bedroom door shut, I lifted the closest object to me and launched it across the room. My hands were shaking with anger, and I felt like I was going to be sick. How could she have done that?
Clenching my fists, I slammed one into my door, the noise being absorbed by the coats and hoodies hanging up. I kept doing it, switching between hands, in the hope that I'd eventually hear the satisfying, thunderous boom. It never did come.
I could barely swallow. I could barely see straight. Everything was warped and fuzzy, but the feeling the pit of my stomach was clear. I felt guilty beyond belief. It wasn't my fault and there I was still feeling guilty.
Flopping on to my bed, I pounded the mattress a few times before giving up. My roof seemed to collapse, and the weight of everything above me fell down.
"She was the one that fucking kissed me!"
Notes
SO...
exams in 2 days, frickkkkk (/.\)
thank you for reading and putting up with my slow updates! i love you guys xo
OMFG <3
7/6/15