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I'll do anything for you

I hate myself and I want to die.

Tony's P.O.V.

The thought of Victor on a date with that Kellin guy had my blood boiling. How the fuck could he already be going on dates like I never meant anything to him?! I JUST broke up with him! He's...fuck. I hate him right now. He can't just go on dates with guys and flaunt it around in my face like that.

"Is he coming?" Mike asked.I was on the edge of the bed, my legs hanging over. I felt his arms wrap around from behind me to my torso while he rested his chin on my shoulder. I shoved my phone in my pocket and turned my face to look at him.

"No." I said coldly. He could be doing anything with that guy right now. What the fuck. He just...he can't do that.

"Why?"

"BECAUSE HE'S ON A STUPID DATE WITH A STUPID FUCKING GUY! AND THEY'RE PROBABLY HAVING FUN AND HE'S JUST SO FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT IT!" I shouted, pushing him off me. I was so frustrated. It kills me knowing someone else might have him. Mike laid there, wide eyed on the bed. I ran out of the room, not wanting to be in the same room as him right now.

I sat outside of the hotel room, far down the hallway and leaned my side up against the huge glass window over-looking the city. I slid down all the way until I was eventually with my knees to my chest. I'm such an ass. I'm such a bad boyfriend. What am I doing? I'm with Mike...I shouldn't be getting like this over Victor. But I guess feelings aren't that easy to get rid of.

"Fucking idiot!" I hissed at myself. I buried my face in my hands and started crying. I felt sort of empty right about now. I don't know how to describe it, but it's the same feeling I used to get right before I'd fall into my depression. I haven't been taking the medication and honestly I didn't think I needed it. Mike's making me happy...but everything that's happened lately is just stressing me out and it's too much. It's been so long since I've actually broken down, so I know that's coming soon. And I don't mean just crying like I am right now...no, I mean like a real break down. So bad where I can't control my thoughts, so bad that I can't stop crying, so bad that I can't even breath, so bad I never want to wake up, so bad I feel like killing myself.

But I know it won't happen for a while. It's always been that way; it happens when I least expect it. And maybe it is Victor that's making me feel so down right now. Maybe it's me feeling like an idiot. Maybe it's hurting Mike that's hurting me so bad. Or maybe it's everything...maybe I'm just home sick. It's true...I miss my mom. Yea, she pisses me off and she's not the best at comforting me or 'seeing what's best for me' but she's still my mom and I miss her. She wanted to start her new and happy life with a new guy. A new beginning and I'm ruining that for her because while I'm here with Mike, thinking we have our whole lives planned, she's at home probably wondering where her little boy is. Same with Mike's dad...they were both so happy to start this 'family' yet we ruined it for them. It wasn't supposed to be like this, yet, this is how it turned out. And I hate myself for it. For all of it.

Everything I've done since I got here, everything I've done before getting here. I ruin everything, everything ruins me. I'm sensitive and I can't handle shit like this because I get too worked up and one thought leads to another, then pretty soon I go from thinking about not being able to draw as good as someone else, to thinking I'm not good enough for anything. I'm ruining everything for everyone and I just feel so guilty.

"Stop crying, you idiot!" I pulled at my hair roughly, trying to get myself to stop crying.

"Fucking stop!" I shouted this time. I was thinking about everything again. Every fucking thing.

"Tone..." I heard Mike's voice close to me. I jumped up in panic, not expecting him to be here. When the fuck did he get here?

"I'm s-sorry, Mike." I whispered, tugging at my hair again. He slowly place his hand over mine and stopped me from pulling at my hair anymore than I already was.

"Don't do that." Mike whispered. He scooted closer to me and pulled me onto his lap, kissing my head softly. "I'm sure they're not having that much fun."

I looked up at him confused, then I realized he was talking about Victor.

"Mike, I'm so sorry-"

"No, I get it. It's okay, Tone. You feel...a lot for him. It's fine, you're only human. You can't control your feelings." Mike whispered, kissing my cheek. "But I love you, okay? I'm not mad..."

"You're amazing." I spoke, pressing my lips to his.