I feel cold, sleeping outside the road is not really the most comfortable thing ever, the ground is cold, enough to wake me up, so uncomfortable. I miss waking up in my bed. I miss waking up in my room, waking up with a pair of arms wrap around me, waking up feeling warm, waking up with the love of my life.

I shifted to face the other side, trying to search for a comfortable place and I bumped into something-- more like someone. I squinted a bit to see who the person was and to my surprise, he was sitting there, like he was waiting for me to wake up.

"Mike? What are you doing here?.. its only.." I looked at my watch.

"7:00 am" I exclaimed. honestly I’m surprised too see him this early, considering the fact that I just woke up.

"Well Good Morning to you too Kells." He said with a cheery tone. I sat up to face him.

"I got us breakfast." He turned to his back to go get something. He then placed the brown bag in front of me. Oh, Dunkin Donuts yay!

"Wow, Thanks. You should do this more often" I joked.

"Oh no. This is only a one time thing" He chuckled and handed me a coffee. I pouted a bit.

"Im kidding, Ofcourse" he laughed.

"Good." I grinned, taking a sip from it.

"So what brings you here this early?" I asked.

"I dont know, I just feel like talking to someone" He admitted.

"Well there’s a lot of someones out there" I said and took a bite on the donut

"Yeah, well none of them seem to get me." He grinned

I swallowed down the food I had in my mouth before saying..
"Oh so what do you wanna talk about?"

He paused and thought about it
"I dont know maybe we should just hang and stuff" he said. I gave him a quizzical look, I taught he wanted to talk.

"I just dont like being alone ok. when Im alone, I feel sad and I dont like being sad, really." he added. I just nodded in understanding.

We just talk for a while.

---

"So Kell, do you wanna like maybe go out of here for a while, you know like for a change of scenery?" Mike asked.

"I dont think thats a good idea." I said with a disapproving look.

"And plus I cant leave, remember?" I added.

"I know but, just for a while, c’mon It’ll be nice. I mean, I cant imagine me being here all the time just by myself, you know, like dont you ever get sick of the scenery? because I would, and I know it must have suck more for you. So I decided I’ll give my pal Kellin a favor, I could like stay and look after here while you go do your thing. I just think it might be good for you, you know to
clear your head and everything" He explained himself.

I dont know about this. Is it a good idea? maybe. I mean it sounds nice. I really miss the warmth of my apartment, well Vic and I’s but you get the point and Mike said He’ll look after so whats the harm in that?

Oh but I just remember he doesnt like to be alone..

"Well, you sure you wanna be here all alone? " I asked just to make sure.

He contemplated for a while and said
"Yeah. I could call some of my pals. its no biggie" He smiled.

"Plus you really need to go take a shower I mean you dont really look appealing to the eyes Kell. If Vic sees you he might freak out." He joked doing the hand thing in the word freak out.
I laughed

"Really? I’m not that bad" I defended

"yeah. you are" He chuckled.

"Ok ok. I’m gonna go take a shower" I said raising my hands up in surrender.

"Great, and go buy me whiskey. You owe me that much" He laughed and handed me his car keys.

I got up and grab my backpack ready to leave.

"I’ll take a while" I joked.

"Yeah yeah.. just go." He shooed me.

"Thanks Mike" I smiled at him.

"No Kell. Thank you, for deciding to take a shower" He joked some more. I just stuck my tongue out at him.

---

I got to Mike’s car and I thought about it I mean, would I really be ok to drive? probably. its not like I was the one that crashed the car or something. I wasn’t even the one driving. It was an accident. Nobody’s fault but an Accident and just an Accident. I keep
telling myself. Alright I’ll just start the car now. Just relax Kellin, man up you could do this.

---

The drive back here in the apartment was surprisingly good. Mike was right, maybe a change of scenery would be nice. I got out of the car and got to the door.

I haven't been in here for about four months now, ever since the accident happened. Should I open this door now? ok maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I’ll go shower somewhere else, or-- ugh just man up Kellin. Man up. I took a deep breath. Ok at the count
of three. 1... 2.. 3..

I opened the door and went inside to look around. hmm.. its like nothing changed just this empty feeling inside. I went upstairs to our room and that’s when I started breaking down.

The memories just came piling up and I realized I’m holding back tears. I was doing fine until I entered this very room. I went to the bed and sat at my side of the bed, the left side, I noticed the picture frame that’s resting on the table, next to the bed, I pick it up and saw a picture of me and Vic. We were so happy and all smiley here. My vision got blury from all the tears I had. It fell down to the frame and I wipe it off and put the frame back in the table, but this time facing down. I cant do this. I don't know how long I could keep this up. I can’t. I just can’t. I wish there is an escape. Maybe If I take a shower, that’ll take my mind off things. I stood up and went to go grab my charger from the drawer. I charge my phone and went to the bathroom.

---

Well the shower didn't help forgetting at all. I just cried a lot in there, took me an hour too, but atleast it made me clean. I feel kinda fresh actually. I opened the closet to go look for some clothes and shit, just when I taught I was over from crying so hard, I started crying again. I didnt want to admit these but I think I’m broken so badly. I see Vic’s stuff in here and it instantly reminds me of him. I dont really know why I break down so easily, I just miss him so bad.

After a couple while of sobbing some more. I decided on wearing some of Vic’s clothes maybe then I wont miss him that much. I guess it helped. It made me feel less worse than how I felt before. His scent on the clothes made me feel like he was still with me
and thats how I like it. I grab my phone from the charger and went down stairs.

*trigger warning, but not really, I dont know... Ok back to ze story...*

I went down stairs and to the kitchen, I opened the refrigerator out of habit, I guess. Im not really hungry but I guess I just feel like munching on something
I tried peeling some mangoes with a knife but it slipped and the knife landed on my palm. I dropped the fruit, Gosh Im so stupid. I pick up the mango and throw it in the trash bin, well its a waste now. I looked down on the floor and saw red dripping. I look at my
left palm and its bleeding, fuck I cut myself, I didnt even know, but the strange part is its not even hurting, like the pain I feel in my heart is much worse, is this what it feels like to not feel anymore, to feel empty? maybe I should try this again, just to make sure Im feeling something, I dont wanna be numb. Before anything else, I washed my palm first to get rid of the blood and wipe the blood off of the floor.

I took a pocket knife on the utensils drawer, why we have that there, I dont really know to Vic.
I flip one knife up. Am I really gonna do this?

---

After a while of contemplating I flip the knife back down. Not today Kell. you know better than this. I put the pocket knife in my jeans’ pocket.

I remember owing Mike a whiskey, maybe I should go shopping... yeah maybe I should. I grab the car keys that I placed on the desk by the living room earlier and started heading towards the car.

Notes