Wonderless
What Now?
*slightly triggering
I feel my clothes being cold and Im pretty sure they’re wet. I immediately felt uncomfortable and I shot up from were I was laying. I took deep breaths and realized it’s raining.
I sighed and looked up at the sky. The weather must be sympathizing with me, I dont know, its still dark. I look down on my watch and its only 4:00 am. Hmmm. what to do?.., obviously I cant sleep because of all of this raining.
I felt a bit pained when the droplets of water hit on my left hand. Oh yeah I accidentally cut it yesterday. I lifted my left hand and check my palm, its red but not bleeding, I never really bandaged it, guess I forgot but now it hurts like hell. ugh. why do I have to be so stupid cutting myself like that. My eyes traced the long slanting line that the cut made until it landed on my wrist. Its clean, I never really thought about cutting, not ever, but for some reason I dont know I feel like my wrist are desperately begging to be cut. Maybe I should try, just this once, just this once and I promise I’ll never do it again. I know that Im better than this, I just want to feel something like prove myself that I could still feel again. I remembered putting the pocket knife in my pocket, I took it out and flip the knife open.
Ok so how do I do this? I feel scared maybe I shouldnt, but I tried it once it didnt hurt but now it does, maybe it’ll make the pain go away. yeah maybe it will. I drag the knife once on my wrist and I winced. God it hurt like hell. I closed my eyes and that’s when it all went away.
*
Vic and I are in bed, just cuddling I had my head resting perfectly on his chest just listening to his tiny heart beats while .he plays with my hair. I look up at him only to find out that he was looking back down at me smiling like a little kid.
"what are you thinking about?" I asked him with a huge smile plastered on my face.
"Just thinking about how cute you are." He said with a grin. Well that put an obvious blush on my cheeks.
"Aaw. Kells your blushing" He said in a cute tone.
"No. Im not" I defended while burrying my face on his chest trying to hide the blush on my cheeks.
*
I opened my eyes and the pain starts kicking in again. Its like I came down from my high and got slapped by reality. I look down on my wrist and notice that the rain had washed the blood away. I didnt cut deep so it didnt really bled for too long, going back to how I felt when I drag that blade on my wrist, it felt good. I saw him again and if thats the only way I could feel those same feeling I feel when Im with him then I guess I wont be able to keep that promise at all.
I woke up the second time around today. The sun is surprisingly shining this time. I look down on my wrist just to make sure it wasn't just all in my head and sure enough I saw the cut swollen red, it didnt hurt much but it still stings a bit.
"Morning Kells" Mike greeted from behind which cause me to startle a bit. I quickly hid my left arm on the blanket that laid on the ground before Mike could even notice.
"Hey" I greeted him when he walked in and settled to sit in front of me. He gave me a smile before his eyes fell on the blanket. Oh no, he furrowed his eyebrows before looking at me confused.
"Hey what have you got there?" He asked. Oh no, no, no, no, not good.
"Uuhhmm n-n-nothing" ugh why did I have to stutter.
"oh really?" he raised one eyebrow at me.
"lemme see" He said.
"no" I said pulling my hand and the blanket closer to me.
"Cmon Kell"
"no"
"please?" he made the puppy face.
"no"
"Kellin" he whined.
"Mike" I immitated.
He looked at me like he was in deep thought but then snapped out of it and look away. I guess he just didnt push for it any longer seeing that I was being so stubborn about it.
"Kell your soaking wet" He change the topic.
"uhh yeah, it rained earlier" I informed.
"And you just stayed here?" he asked like he already know the obvious answer to it.
"Uhh yeah" I admitted.
"You could have caught a cold or something" He said with a concern tone.
"yeah?, well maybe I dont care" I said stubbornly.
"Oh Kells, lighten up." He said flashing me a smile and it made me feel something I didnt quite understand. I just smiled back at him.
"So you wanna change your clothes or something?" He asked.
"Nah. Its okay" I said.
"You sure?" he double-checked.
"Yup" I said popping the p.
"Ok, anyway I forgot to tell you, uhmm, Jesse texted me yesterday telling me to tell you how they were sorry. " he said with an apologetic look.
"They miss you Kell" he added.
I just stared at him for a while trying to process this all out. They miss me? They actually missed me, kinda hard to believe considering the fact that they said all of those hurtful things right in my face like I wasnt even in there. Well they are my friends, but then again they didnt come after me. They didnt even called or check-up on me. If thats what you call miss then I dont know.
"Well, they did tried calling you but your line was dead and I’m pretty sure they left you like a hundred messages. Did you check?" Mike said. i gave him a confuse look, did he just read my thoughts?
"what?" He looked puzzled.
"Are you a mind reader or something?" I asked.
"No. But you really need to keep your thoughts to yourself " He chuckled.
"Oh sorry about that." I said looking down at the ground.
"Whats wrong? You seemed a bit off today?"
"uhmm its nothing." I answered.
"oh look at that a naked girl" Isaid randomly, pointing across the street which cause him to look back.
"huh? What? where?" he said searching for that girl. Oh Mike. I quickly adjust my watch to my wrist so that it would hide the cut I made I grimaced but lucky for me he didnt see.
"pretty funny" He said with sarcasm as he looked back at me.. I just laughed at him.
"so what do you wanna-- Hey what happened to your palm??!." he looked shock as he looked down to were my hand was. Oh shit I forgot about that.
"Oh that. I uhh accidentally.. The knife slip and uhh well that happened." I explained. He’s face hardened it looked like he didnt believe me
"It was an accident I swear" I immedietly said trying to tell him the truth.
His face calmed before he managed to say an
"Okay."
He looked like he was about to say something more when his phone rang. ’one second’ he signaled me with his finger before he stand up and answer his call.
It took a moment before he returned.
"So uhh Kell. My friend called. I guess we couldnt hang out today. Im sorry." he said awkwardly scratching the back of his head.
"Oh umm. its okay" I said giving him a small smile.
"Really sorry but hey maybe you could go text the guys." he said.
"yeah maybe I’ll go do that." I answered. He nodded and with that he waved at me before leaving.
I reach for my phone in my pocket and started checking for the messages in my phone. I didnt really notice my 60 unread messages before and its all from Jesse, Jack, Gabe, and Justin.
hmm most of the messages are a ’sorry’ and some are ’how are you doing?’ ..
maybe its about time I apologize to them too I mean really.
so I texted Jesse
’hey can we talk?’
’Oh my God Kell finally. I’ll tell the guys’ he replied almost instantly.
and now Im waiting for them rehearsing what I’m about to tell them.
I feel my clothes being cold and Im pretty sure they’re wet. I immediately felt uncomfortable and I shot up from were I was laying. I took deep breaths and realized it’s raining.
I sighed and looked up at the sky. The weather must be sympathizing with me, I dont know, its still dark. I look down on my watch and its only 4:00 am. Hmmm. what to do?.., obviously I cant sleep because of all of this raining.
I felt a bit pained when the droplets of water hit on my left hand. Oh yeah I accidentally cut it yesterday. I lifted my left hand and check my palm, its red but not bleeding, I never really bandaged it, guess I forgot but now it hurts like hell. ugh. why do I have to be so stupid cutting myself like that. My eyes traced the long slanting line that the cut made until it landed on my wrist. Its clean, I never really thought about cutting, not ever, but for some reason I dont know I feel like my wrist are desperately begging to be cut. Maybe I should try, just this once, just this once and I promise I’ll never do it again. I know that Im better than this, I just want to feel something like prove myself that I could still feel again. I remembered putting the pocket knife in my pocket, I took it out and flip the knife open.
Ok so how do I do this? I feel scared maybe I shouldnt, but I tried it once it didnt hurt but now it does, maybe it’ll make the pain go away. yeah maybe it will. I drag the knife once on my wrist and I winced. God it hurt like hell. I closed my eyes and that’s when it all went away.
*
Vic and I are in bed, just cuddling I had my head resting perfectly on his chest just listening to his tiny heart beats while .he plays with my hair. I look up at him only to find out that he was looking back down at me smiling like a little kid.
"what are you thinking about?" I asked him with a huge smile plastered on my face.
"Just thinking about how cute you are." He said with a grin. Well that put an obvious blush on my cheeks.
"Aaw. Kells your blushing" He said in a cute tone.
"No. Im not" I defended while burrying my face on his chest trying to hide the blush on my cheeks.
*
I opened my eyes and the pain starts kicking in again. Its like I came down from my high and got slapped by reality. I look down on my wrist and notice that the rain had washed the blood away. I didnt cut deep so it didnt really bled for too long, going back to how I felt when I drag that blade on my wrist, it felt good. I saw him again and if thats the only way I could feel those same feeling I feel when Im with him then I guess I wont be able to keep that promise at all.
I woke up the second time around today. The sun is surprisingly shining this time. I look down on my wrist just to make sure it wasn't just all in my head and sure enough I saw the cut swollen red, it didnt hurt much but it still stings a bit.
"Morning Kells" Mike greeted from behind which cause me to startle a bit. I quickly hid my left arm on the blanket that laid on the ground before Mike could even notice.
"Hey" I greeted him when he walked in and settled to sit in front of me. He gave me a smile before his eyes fell on the blanket. Oh no, he furrowed his eyebrows before looking at me confused.
"Hey what have you got there?" He asked. Oh no, no, no, no, not good.
"Uuhhmm n-n-nothing" ugh why did I have to stutter.
"oh really?" he raised one eyebrow at me.
"lemme see" He said.
"no" I said pulling my hand and the blanket closer to me.
"Cmon Kell"
"no"
"please?" he made the puppy face.
"no"
"Kellin" he whined.
"Mike" I immitated.
He looked at me like he was in deep thought but then snapped out of it and look away. I guess he just didnt push for it any longer seeing that I was being so stubborn about it.
"Kell your soaking wet" He change the topic.
"uhh yeah, it rained earlier" I informed.
"And you just stayed here?" he asked like he already know the obvious answer to it.
"Uhh yeah" I admitted.
"You could have caught a cold or something" He said with a concern tone.
"yeah?, well maybe I dont care" I said stubbornly.
"Oh Kells, lighten up." He said flashing me a smile and it made me feel something I didnt quite understand. I just smiled back at him.
"So you wanna change your clothes or something?" He asked.
"Nah. Its okay" I said.
"You sure?" he double-checked.
"Yup" I said popping the p.
"Ok, anyway I forgot to tell you, uhmm, Jesse texted me yesterday telling me to tell you how they were sorry. " he said with an apologetic look.
"They miss you Kell" he added.
I just stared at him for a while trying to process this all out. They miss me? They actually missed me, kinda hard to believe considering the fact that they said all of those hurtful things right in my face like I wasnt even in there. Well they are my friends, but then again they didnt come after me. They didnt even called or check-up on me. If thats what you call miss then I dont know.
"Well, they did tried calling you but your line was dead and I’m pretty sure they left you like a hundred messages. Did you check?" Mike said. i gave him a confuse look, did he just read my thoughts?
"what?" He looked puzzled.
"Are you a mind reader or something?" I asked.
"No. But you really need to keep your thoughts to yourself " He chuckled.
"Oh sorry about that." I said looking down at the ground.
"Whats wrong? You seemed a bit off today?"
"uhmm its nothing." I answered.
"oh look at that a naked girl" Isaid randomly, pointing across the street which cause him to look back.
"huh? What? where?" he said searching for that girl. Oh Mike. I quickly adjust my watch to my wrist so that it would hide the cut I made I grimaced but lucky for me he didnt see.
"pretty funny" He said with sarcasm as he looked back at me.. I just laughed at him.
"so what do you wanna-- Hey what happened to your palm??!." he looked shock as he looked down to were my hand was. Oh shit I forgot about that.
"Oh that. I uhh accidentally.. The knife slip and uhh well that happened." I explained. He’s face hardened it looked like he didnt believe me
"It was an accident I swear" I immedietly said trying to tell him the truth.
His face calmed before he managed to say an
"Okay."
He looked like he was about to say something more when his phone rang. ’one second’ he signaled me with his finger before he stand up and answer his call.
It took a moment before he returned.
"So uhh Kell. My friend called. I guess we couldnt hang out today. Im sorry." he said awkwardly scratching the back of his head.
"Oh umm. its okay" I said giving him a small smile.
"Really sorry but hey maybe you could go text the guys." he said.
"yeah maybe I’ll go do that." I answered. He nodded and with that he waved at me before leaving.
I reach for my phone in my pocket and started checking for the messages in my phone. I didnt really notice my 60 unread messages before and its all from Jesse, Jack, Gabe, and Justin.
hmm most of the messages are a ’sorry’ and some are ’how are you doing?’ ..
maybe its about time I apologize to them too I mean really.
so I texted Jesse
’hey can we talk?’
’Oh my God Kell finally. I’ll tell the guys’ he replied almost instantly.
and now Im waiting for them rehearsing what I’m about to tell them.
Omg finally ive been waiting for this it was beautiful ending
11/17/16