Effie, I love you.

Tony’s words echoed in my head, consuming my every thought. He said he loved me. The feeling it caused me was beyond anything I had every felt. For the first time in twelve years, someone had admitted to loving me. Emily was the only person who had ever loved me, that word never having been uttered from my parents’ mouths, even before I had become a murderer. As much as I wanted to accept his love, to return it, I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to him. Tony deserved better than me, he deserved someone who wouldn’t cause him pain, because that’s all I did, I hurt everyone who loved me.

I was shaking my head back and forth before I even realized it, fresh tears streaming down my cheeks. “Don’t, don’t say that.” I whispered, closing my eyes against the tears. I took a step away from him, creating a space between us.

“Why not?” Tony asked, there was a hint of annoyance in his voice but the pain was more prominent; I was already causing him pain.

“Because you can’t, you can’t love me.” my lip quivered and I had to look away.

“Why not?” he repeated, his tone pleading.

“Because,” I said, continuing to shake my head back and forth. “It doesn’t make sense. You can’t love me because you shouldn’t. People who love me end up hurt. I’m a monster Tony. I destroy everything, I’m better off alone. I shouldn’t have let you get this close to begin with.”

“Effie, listen to me,” Tony said, his voice stern and he reached out to grip my chin, once again making me face him. “You are not a monster. Your sister’s death was not your fault.” His eyes were soft but held a fierceness that made me cry harder.

“You’re wrong! You’re so wrong. I killed her! I killed the only person who meant anything to me.” I was shouting, my words echoing in the dark empty street. “I don’t deserve your love, I don’t even deserve to be alive right now.” the shouting had ceased, a broken frail voice taking its place as another sob escaped my throat.

Tony’s arms were around me again in an instant. The tears and sobs continued to rack my body. Twelve years of pent up emotions all came flooding out in that moment as I stood on the dark street, wrapped up in Tony’s arms. A man who had been a stranger to me only a few days ago, yet, now he was all I knew. He continued to hold me, not seeming to care that I was soaking his shirt with tears. His hand was rubbing soothing circles on my back, he didn’t say anything, just held me.

“Effie.” Tony spoke, his voice soft.

My tears were drying, the sobs calming, and I was still in his arms. Despite everything I had said, despite knowing that Tony deserved better than me, I couldn’t help but enjoy this feeling, of being in his arms.

I pulled away from him, wiping under my eyes as I looked up at him.

“Effie,” he spoke again. “You’re the one who’s wrong. You didn’t kill your sister; it was an accident. You definitely deserve to be alive, even if you don’t think so, I do. Effie, a week ago, I didn’t even know you. I came home from tour and went to eat at the diner, the same place I have been going to for years and there you were, sitting in my spot. If it had been any other person, I would have sat somewhere else, but it was you. I didn’t even know what I was doing when I walked up to you that night and tapped you on the shoulder, all I remember thinking was that there was this beautiful girl, looking out in the night, lost in her thoughts and I just, I don’t know, I had to get to know you.

“I found myself falling for you instantly. I watched you as you just stared out the window, I watched as your eyes clouded over and you seemed to get lost in your thoughts. I realized that I wanted to know you. I wanted to know what you were thinking as you stared off into the night. Before I even realized it, I was asking you questions, just trying to figure you out. You surprised me; you’re so different than any other girl I’ve met, than any other person I’ve met before. I found myself getting lost in you, the way you spoke, so vague yet honest at the same time, you were like this puzzle that I couldn’t figure out, and every time I think that I’ve finally put you together, I find this extra piece in the corner, changing everything and causing me to rethink the whole design.

“I fell for you Effie. I love you, I truly do. You may not think that you deserve to be loved but Effie, I promise you, if you just let me in, if you just let me see who the real Effie is, the one who doesn’t hide herself in the dark, I can show you that you deserve to be loved Effie, you deserve so much more than you know. Just let me show you, let me love you.”

Tony’s words swirled around in my head, dancing along the walls I had built up over the years and just like that, the walls were cracking, the darkness that surrounded me was slowing fading, letting the light that Tony brought into my life shine through the cracks. Tony was changing everything I had ever thought I knew, he was changing me, allowing me to see that maybe, just maybe, I didn’t have to suffer alone, that maybe I didn’t have to suffer at all.

The darkness had always been my protector, guarding me from the light where all my secrets were stored; I had always felt too exposed in the light, too defenseless, yet, standing here in the dark with Tony, I had never felt more vulnerable than I did right then, the darkness no longer offering me that same sense of protection. For once though, I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t afraid of someone finding me out, I at least wasn’t afraid of Tony finding me out.

I guess that was why I found myself stepping closer to him, closing the distance between us as I brought my lips to his, kissing him with a passion I didn’t even know I had.

And I let him in.

---

“Can I ask you a question?” Tony asked, giving me a quizzical look.

“No.” I responded, taking a sip of my hot chocolate, trying to hide my smile.

He gave me a deadpanned expression and I sighed rolling my eyes. “We both know you’re going to ask anyway so why even ask me in the first place?” I raised my eyebrows at him.

A hint of a smile flashed on his lips before he turned serious. “I’m only asking because you might not like the question, you don’t have to answer it if you don’t want to, well, at least not right now.” he said, and I realized he meant that while I didn’t have to answer his question tonight, I would someday have to answer him and that alone caused my heart to race as I thought about what it could be.

I took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Okay. What would you like to ask me?”

He furrowed his eyebrows, glancing down at his plate in front of him before looking back up and meeting my eyes. “You said that Emily was sixteen and you were thirteen, so I was just wondering, where were your parents?”

I took a moment, setting my hot chocolate down on the table and I glanced out the window, debating whether or not I wanted to tell him this part about me just yet, it was one thing to admit to having a sister who died because of a mistake you made, it was another thing to admit that your parents left you because of that very same mistake. My parents left a thirteen year old girl to fend for herself, how on earth do you explain that to someone? I suddenly found a loophole in his question and took advantage of it.

“They were there, they had taken a trip to the cabin though when Emily and I were in the car crash, it was the reason we had been driving in the first place, they had left Emily the spare car in case of emergencies and well, Em decided to take advantage of the freedom.” I shrugged.

He squinted his eyes at me. “Okay, so what happened after the accident? Where were your parents?”

I sighed loudly, of course he would see through the loophole as well.

“Emily had always been my parent’s favorite. They blamed me for her death. Two weeks after her funeral I woke up to find my house empty. My parents had packed everything and left. They couldn’t stand to live with a murderer.” I glanced back out the window, not wanting to see the pity Tony would have on his face.

“Effie, you’re not a murderer. You were only a kid, you didn’t deserve that.” Tony spoke, his voice surprised me and I looked over at him, not seeing an ounce of pity but rather a teeny bit of rage, rage toward my parents.

“It doesn’t change the fact that it happened.” I mumbled and he sighed, shaking his head but saying no more.

We continued to sit in silence, Tony eating while I casually sipped my hot chocolate, replaying everything that had happened this night. The doubts were starting to creep in once again. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help that part of me that kept reminding me that I wasn’t worth it, I wasn’t worth Tony’s time. I was broken, my life having been a shattered mess since the moment Emily died. Half of my life has been spent running away from everything I knew, everything I loved being ripped away and leaving me a battered soul. It wasn’t going to be fixed easily and once Tony realized that he would soon leave me as well. It was only a matter of time.

The sun started to peek up, bringing an end to the night and I sighed, glancing out the window. I noticed Tony follow my gaze as he too looked out the window.

“The sun’s coming up.” He noted.

“It is.” I said softly, still staring out the window.

“Do you want me to take you home?”

I pondered his question. If he had asked me the same question any other morning, I would have automatically said yes, immediately getting up and heading for the door. Now though, now I wasn’t so sure. The sun didn’t seem to hold that same threatening glow it previously held, the daylight didn’t seem as scary as it used to, but at the same time, I didn’t know if I was prepared to let the light of the world see me just yet.

So I sat there quietly, Tony patiently waiting for my answer, the only problem was that I didn’t even know the answer myself.

Notes

*sigh* so this chapter was seriously so hard for me to write, I couldn't find the right words I wanted to use and I feel like it's bloody awful so please forgive me but hopefully I gave @Lost in Neverland a good place to continue, if not, I'm sorry babe but I tried lol

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