the fear in my heart is enough to make me cold

(Liv;s PoV)
It's been 3 days and i haven't stopped shaking. I never thought that something like this could happen to me....i mean i did.....but i never expected it to. Aiden was always so strong, stronger than I was. God, i can't believe he's gone. I'm so angry, he promised me! He promised me that this would never happen, that he would never let it get this bad......it's all my fault. I should've called sooner, or texted him, i never should have left, this is all my fault. That's all i could say, that it's all my fault. Mike and Vic have tried to talk to me or get me to eat something but I just can't focus, this isn't even me forcing myself not to eat, i'm truly not hungry. I feel numb, nothing matters anymore, why should it? I let my best friend die, i wasn't even there for him, I'm an awful person. My body shook more and more with every passing thought, i could barely even breathe. my head was pounding, and tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't do anything but scream. The guys came running in an Mike hugged me as tight as he could whilst i was shaking.

mike: It's gonna be okay jelly bean, just let it out, you're okay. breathe c'mon you can do it, you're okay baby.

But i wasn't, right here and right now i was everything but okay. Vic sat beside Mike and I and stroked my hair

Vic: Liv, darling you've gotta calm down, you're gonna make yourself sick. I know you're hurting but you've got to calm down. come on, you can do it. take deep breathes, you remember, just like before. breathe in and out, in and out.

We sat like this for what seemed like hours, the last thing i remember is falling asleep in Mike's arms.

(Mike's PoV)

Liv's been distraught since the night she saw the news, but who wouldn't be?
Mike: Hey Vic, I think we need to keep an eye on Liv. She's already been acting weird and I don't want her to do anything stupid.
Vic: Yeah, yeah you're right. God, she's so tiny, have you seen how small she is?
Mike: yeah, but we can't worry about that ri- (Liv screams)

I drop everything and run to Liv, she's on the floor shaking like she's been in a block of ice for a year. she's drenched in sweat and she's breathing hard and heavy. I haven't seen her like this since that night, but this looks so much worse, if that's even possible,

" It's gonna be okay jelly bean, just let it out. You're okay, breathe c'mon. you can do it. You're okay baby"

I tried to calm her down but nothing seemed to work, Vic knelt down and the both of us tried to calm her down together. She had to be exhausted because she fell asleep right there on the floor. I picked her up and put her in my bunk.

Vic was sat on the floor with his head between his knees. It hits him hard when she's upset or in pain, he can't handle it.

"Hey, she's gonna be okay y'know. she just needs some time, but she's gonna be okay....yeah....she'll be okay." I was mostly saying this to reassure myself, she used to be so strong, seeing her like this is killing me too.

Vic: But what if she's not, man? I mean, things like this don't just happen, emotions like that don't just come out of nowhere. I mean i understand Aiden and everything but that seemed like so much more and i hate that i don't know how to fix it. Our little sister's hurting and we can't do shit about it! She's so fucking small she'll probably break if you try to touch her but god forbid we say something about it! How the fuck are we supposed to help her if she's not gonna help herself?!

He breaks down and sinks to the floor "She's so fucking broken, man."

(Liv's PoV)
I woke up what i assumed was the next morning. I looked in the mirror and my eyes were red and puffy. My head still felt like shit and it wasn't until i felt the aching pain in my foot that i came to my senses. I've been a zombie for 3 days.

I walked....well limped into the kitchen area of the bus and saw Mike sprawled out on the floor and Vic asleep on the couch. Vic looked just as bad as me, like he'd been crying. i tried to walk quietly around the bus but inevitably failed due to the huge bionic boot on my foot. Mike and Vic both shot up almost simultaneously.

Mike: Hey jelly bean, how're you feeling? you want anything to eat?
Me: No, no i'm fine. I was just uh, trying to move around, get my mind off things. Vic are you okay? you look like shit.

Vic: Ha, you don't look so great yourself punk. But yeah I'm fine, it was just a long night. Are you sure you don't want some food? Jaime and Tony just went to catering, i can text them to get you something.

I was starving. but i'm sure not moving for 3 days caused me to gain so much weight. god i'm disgusting....

Me: No thanks, really i'll grab something later, i promise.
They didn't look convinced but they let it go. I got into the shower and examined every part of my body. The scars, the fat, the ruined skin, everything. No wonder no one loved me......Jaime said i was beautiful but he was probably just saying it out of pity. and Patrick, he hasn't spoken to me in almost a week...i'm so fucking worthless.

That's it, it's been too long. I reach into the cabinet and grab a razor....i couldn't risk getting my blade from my bag, it'd make Mike and Vic suspicious. I took the razor apart and took the blade out. I pressed it down on my thigh and dragged it across 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ,9 10,11, 12 times. I honestly didn't mean to do that much but it's been so long. Just as I was about to clean up the door swung open

"Liv i brought you some food back from cat-......what the fuck are you doing?!"

It was Jaime......

Notes

Guys i'm back! i am so so so so so sorry that i've been gone for like ever, but i'm back this time i swear! this is just a little filler chapter i guess?

What do you think Jaime's gonna do???????