One Hundred Sleepless Nights
Confessions
I sat on the floor holding Copeland. She snuggled into my chest and I held her tight. She looked at me seriously and hit me on the head with a toy hammer. I looked at her and my eyes started to fill. "Why do children hate me!" I cried.
"She doesn't hate you," Katelynne told me.
"All children do! I'm going to make an awful mother," I nearly sobbed. This is the thirty fifth time I've cried about my pregnancy. I've only known for five days, eight hours and forty three minutes.
"What's all this about, Zee?" she asked urgently. "Zandra?"
"I hate children,"
"You don't," she countered.
"Hey!" I heard Kellin call. We turned around and Katelynne stood up. She walked to meet him and he kissed her warmly. I watched them and started to cry again.
"Hey Zee," Kellin started then stopped. "What's wrong?" he asked seriously. I got up and forced Copeland on Kellin. He took her easily and looked at me concerned. "Is everything okay?" he asked.
"No!" I cried.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Katelynne asked gently.
"Not to you!" I exclaimed. Then I turned away and hurried down the corridor.
The next week I was in a cab to Katelynne's. I got out and walked around the house and into the back garden. People were in groups and I saw Kellin standing by a BBQ. I went to him and he hugged me. "Did you get here okay?" he asked.
"Fine," I nodded.
"Alan and Austin have just arrived," he informed me. I looked around and spotted them. I went over and tapped Alan on the shoulder.
"Hey," I said.
"Oh, Zee. Why haven't you flown to see me?!" Alan demanded. He pulled me into a hug and held me close to him. I laughed and he mussed up my hair. He looked at me once we'd pulled away and I faked a smile.
"I've missed you so much," I told him.
"I know. The last time we properly saw each other was the week of Kellin's party," Alan explained. Why did he have to bring up the damn party?
"Hi Austin," I said.
"How have you been?" Austin smiled widely. Austin hugged me too and held me at arms length. He looked into my eyes and frowned. I bit my lip and tried to stop myself from crying again. But it was no use, while Alan was getting me a drink a tear rolled down my cheek. "Inside," Austin whispered. He took my hand and we walked inside. The living room was empty and we sat on the sofa, facing one another. "Why do you look pale and terrible?" he asked seriously.
"Terrible," I echoed.
"Like you've been deprived of food and then hit by a bus,"
"So I look skinny,"
"Now you do. You'll look ill soon,"
"So I was the size of a house before. That's what you mean!" I accused.
"You're not hormonal are you? You know I hate when you're hormonal,"
"Austin," I sighed.
"What?" he urged. "Please tell me,"
"I think . . . You know . . ." I trailed away.
"What?" he asked confused.
"I'm having. . . You know. The baby . . . you get it?"
"No," he shook his head. "Please just tell me,"
"Austin, I'm p-pregnant," I admitted. He's in shock. He looked at me and then to my stomach. Austin's eyes widened and he wound his hands together anxiously. I watched and he looked up at me in silence for a minute.
"You didn't tell me you've been seeing someone," he finally said.
"I haven't," I replied cautiously.
"So you just had a one night thing?" he asked and he sounds kind of disgusted. "Don't tell me someone touched you without your permission?!" he asked angrily when I didn't reply. He's so protective. It's actually kind of sweet in a big brother way. Austin would make an amazing dad. I should have slept with him. Why did I go for the Mexican? "Did they?" he urged.
"No," I shook my head.
"Oh, who's is it?"
"I . . . Um . . . Would rather not say,"
"Zee," Austin groaned.
"Not until he knows," I rushed.
"I can appreciate that,"
"I'm a slut," I sobbed. Austin pulled me into a hug and I cried on his chest. He rocked me gently and patted my hair. I sobbed hysterically and squashed my face against him to muffle the sound.
"You're not a slut, Zee," he told me firmly.
"Promise you won't tell anyone!" I exclaimed once I'd pulled away.
"Zandra," he groaned.
"Please," I begged. "No one knows. Not even Katelynne,"
"Fine," Austin sighed tiredly. He nodded slightly and looked at me sadly. I hate when he looks like that. Austin should always be smiling. He took my hand and squeezed. This is why I wanted to tell him. "I'm going to be here for you," he told me finally.
"Thank you," I muttered quietly. That's what I needed to hear from Austin. I would have preferred hearing he'd give up his rock star lifestyle to marry me and bring up Vic's child. But I'll settle.
"Austin!" someone called. We turned and my heart nearly suffered failure. Pierce the Veil were standing behind the sofa. I started to breathe heavily but no one noticed because they were exchanging manly hugs. Jaime came up to me and grinned.
"Hey Zandra," he said warmly. Even having Jaime as the father would be an improvement.
"Hi Jaime," I smiled back. The others said hello and shook my hand, because we haven't reached the kiss on cheek stage yet. Accept Vic. He looked at me and I looked at him. Then silently he walked away and I looked down. This is what our encounters normally involve.
"She doesn't hate you," Katelynne told me.
"All children do! I'm going to make an awful mother," I nearly sobbed. This is the thirty fifth time I've cried about my pregnancy. I've only known for five days, eight hours and forty three minutes.
"What's all this about, Zee?" she asked urgently. "Zandra?"
"I hate children,"
"You don't," she countered.
"Hey!" I heard Kellin call. We turned around and Katelynne stood up. She walked to meet him and he kissed her warmly. I watched them and started to cry again.
"Hey Zee," Kellin started then stopped. "What's wrong?" he asked seriously. I got up and forced Copeland on Kellin. He took her easily and looked at me concerned. "Is everything okay?" he asked.
"No!" I cried.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Katelynne asked gently.
"Not to you!" I exclaimed. Then I turned away and hurried down the corridor.
The next week I was in a cab to Katelynne's. I got out and walked around the house and into the back garden. People were in groups and I saw Kellin standing by a BBQ. I went to him and he hugged me. "Did you get here okay?" he asked.
"Fine," I nodded.
"Alan and Austin have just arrived," he informed me. I looked around and spotted them. I went over and tapped Alan on the shoulder.
"Hey," I said.
"Oh, Zee. Why haven't you flown to see me?!" Alan demanded. He pulled me into a hug and held me close to him. I laughed and he mussed up my hair. He looked at me once we'd pulled away and I faked a smile.
"I've missed you so much," I told him.
"I know. The last time we properly saw each other was the week of Kellin's party," Alan explained. Why did he have to bring up the damn party?
"Hi Austin," I said.
"How have you been?" Austin smiled widely. Austin hugged me too and held me at arms length. He looked into my eyes and frowned. I bit my lip and tried to stop myself from crying again. But it was no use, while Alan was getting me a drink a tear rolled down my cheek. "Inside," Austin whispered. He took my hand and we walked inside. The living room was empty and we sat on the sofa, facing one another. "Why do you look pale and terrible?" he asked seriously.
"Terrible," I echoed.
"Like you've been deprived of food and then hit by a bus,"
"So I look skinny,"
"Now you do. You'll look ill soon,"
"So I was the size of a house before. That's what you mean!" I accused.
"You're not hormonal are you? You know I hate when you're hormonal,"
"Austin," I sighed.
"What?" he urged. "Please tell me,"
"I think . . . You know . . ." I trailed away.
"What?" he asked confused.
"I'm having. . . You know. The baby . . . you get it?"
"No," he shook his head. "Please just tell me,"
"Austin, I'm p-pregnant," I admitted. He's in shock. He looked at me and then to my stomach. Austin's eyes widened and he wound his hands together anxiously. I watched and he looked up at me in silence for a minute.
"You didn't tell me you've been seeing someone," he finally said.
"I haven't," I replied cautiously.
"So you just had a one night thing?" he asked and he sounds kind of disgusted. "Don't tell me someone touched you without your permission?!" he asked angrily when I didn't reply. He's so protective. It's actually kind of sweet in a big brother way. Austin would make an amazing dad. I should have slept with him. Why did I go for the Mexican? "Did they?" he urged.
"No," I shook my head.
"Oh, who's is it?"
"I . . . Um . . . Would rather not say,"
"Zee," Austin groaned.
"Not until he knows," I rushed.
"I can appreciate that,"
"I'm a slut," I sobbed. Austin pulled me into a hug and I cried on his chest. He rocked me gently and patted my hair. I sobbed hysterically and squashed my face against him to muffle the sound.
"You're not a slut, Zee," he told me firmly.
"Promise you won't tell anyone!" I exclaimed once I'd pulled away.
"Zandra," he groaned.
"Please," I begged. "No one knows. Not even Katelynne,"
"Fine," Austin sighed tiredly. He nodded slightly and looked at me sadly. I hate when he looks like that. Austin should always be smiling. He took my hand and squeezed. This is why I wanted to tell him. "I'm going to be here for you," he told me finally.
"Thank you," I muttered quietly. That's what I needed to hear from Austin. I would have preferred hearing he'd give up his rock star lifestyle to marry me and bring up Vic's child. But I'll settle.
"Austin!" someone called. We turned and my heart nearly suffered failure. Pierce the Veil were standing behind the sofa. I started to breathe heavily but no one noticed because they were exchanging manly hugs. Jaime came up to me and grinned.
"Hey Zandra," he said warmly. Even having Jaime as the father would be an improvement.
"Hi Jaime," I smiled back. The others said hello and shook my hand, because we haven't reached the kiss on cheek stage yet. Accept Vic. He looked at me and I looked at him. Then silently he walked away and I looked down. This is what our encounters normally involve.
@Eyes_like_a_car_crash
Thank you!
1/6/15