Surprise, surprise I'm alone
Maybe I'm crazy
*Jaime’s POV*
I didn’t talk much with Vic during that lesson. Usually I am not the silent, shy kid, but this time my head was spinning. You see, I had also self-harmed in the past. Not even for any specific reason. I started it as an experiment, to see if it worked, but then the urges kept coming back. I fought the urges from the beginning and I think that's why I didn’t do it regularly by now, but my point is, I knew what Vic was going through. His self-harm was probably much worse than mine, but I think I had a good basic idea of what was going on in that head of his. And these thoughts weren’t pretty.
The most frustrating part of it all was that I wanted to help. I know how weird that sounds, as I didn’t even know the guy, but I cared about him. I didn’t want anyone to have to go through this on their own. It wasn’t a good approach to just walk up to him and ask him about it though. Self-harm is such a personal thing. I didn’t have the right to make him tell me about it while I wasn’t even his friend yet. I had to wait until I got to know him better and I didn’t like that thought at all.
During the rest of that lesson I noticed more and more signs of Vic’s self-harm. Even though I tried my hardest to stop paying attention to it, I couldn’t. I noticed the smallest things. Like how he was constantly pulling his sleeves down. Or the way he kept scratching his arm unconsciously. And I swore I saw him wince when someone grabbed his arm to ask for a pencil. At the end of the lesson I had no idea what the teacher had been talking about. That’s how obsessed I was with watching Vic. I was even annoying myself.
Vic walked with me to the cafeteria, as I didn’t know where it was. When we arrived I just awkwardly stood there while Vic was walking towards his friends. I was kind of unsure what to do. I didn’t make any friends here yet and I was afraid Vic would be annoyed if I followed him around. There was an empty table in the back and I was walking towards it when Vic suddenly turned around and grabbed my arm.
“You’re sitting with us,” he said while dragging me to the table. Tony, Kellin and a guy I hadn’t seen before greeted us and I sat down next to Tony.
“I’m Mike,” the unknown guy told me. “In case you didn’t know yet, I’m leading a very tough life. I am his little brother.” He pointed at Vic.
“How is that bad? I am the one who should feel bad about it, not you,” Vic grinned.
I looked at the two and smiled, because it was kind of funny that Vic was the older one. Mike looked a thousand times bigger and tougher than Vic. Yet, somewhere it made sense. Vic had this responsible look in his eyes which Mike didn’t have. I could imagine Vic taking care of anyone who needed it.
“I’m Jaime,” I told Mike while I shook his hand.
And once again I smiled. It felt like I had finally found friends. Damn, I hardly knew these guys yet, but it just felt right. I smiled, because I finally found a place where I belonged. Maybe I wasn’t a regular kid, but my new friends weren’t either. I smiled, because I had recalled how to smile again. I smiled, because I was truly happy for once. It just felt right.
***
The rest of the day flew by quickly. In every class I had was at least one of the others. I didn’t have any classes with Mike though, he was at least a year younger than all of us. I was walking to my car after school when I head Vic calling.
“Hey Jaime, wait a second!” he shouted. I stopped walking and turned around. Vic caught up on me. “We’re going to hang out at Tony’s now, do you wanna come?”
Was he seriously already asking me to hang out with them? I only met them today! I was a bit ashamed of myself as my smile probably grew wider than my face, but I nodded enthusiastically nevertheless. I took out my phone and texted my mom I might not be home for dinner. After that I drove to Tony’s house. Mike came along with me in my car to show me the way. He didn’t own a car yet anyway. I wasn’t even sure if he had his driver’s license yet. Oh well.
Tony lived in a regular house about fifteen minutes away from school. Apparently both of his parents worked until late, so they often used his place to hang out. The living room was big, but still cozy. Tony owned a huge television so it didn’t surprise me at all when Kellin suggested to watch a movie. We all agreed on it. Honestly, I don’t think I would’ve disagreed to anything. I was too happy about being there to mind anything.
We were almost at the end of the movie when I noticed Kellin snuggle up Vic’s chest. Kellin saw me watching and he grinned and blushed at the same time. “We didn’t tell him yet, did we?” he asked Vic.
Vic shook his head. Then he turned to me. “Well, I hope you have nothing against gays,” Vic said while scratching the back of his head. “Because Kellin and I have been together for quite a while now. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you earlier, I guess we just sort of forgot you didn’t know it yet.”
I just smiled at the two of them. “It’s okay, I’m glad you guys are happy together,” I assured them. It was impossible to explain why it suddenly felt like my heart had sunk into my stomach though. I tried to shake it off and I acted fine the rest of the time, but the feeling would not disappear anymore.
***
I came home after dinner. We had ordered pizza earlier and after that we spent some time gaming. It would’ve been my best day in ages, if it hadn’t been for that terrible feeling that I just couldn’t seem to be able to get rid of. I had been thinking a lot that evening. As Vic and Kellin were together, I was at least sure Vic had someone to talk to when he was going through more rough times. He could confide in Kellin and I was supposed to be happy about that. But the truth is, I wasn’t. I wanted Vic to be able to confide in someone, but I wanted that person to be me. Not Kellin.
After I got home I went upstairs straight away. I closed the door of my room and sat down on my bed. Thoughts were running through my head. Why did I care so fucking much about Vic, a guy I only met today? I mean, I would’ve thought I was crushing on him but I can’t be. I was very sure I was into girls. Besides that, I’d been in love before. This didn’t feel quite the same. It was weird though. I cared about Vic like I was in love with him, but without the butterflies. And without the wish to kiss him. But the feeling I had when he told me he was with Kellin? Was that jealousy? I felt like a complete freak.
I didn’t talk much with Vic during that lesson. Usually I am not the silent, shy kid, but this time my head was spinning. You see, I had also self-harmed in the past. Not even for any specific reason. I started it as an experiment, to see if it worked, but then the urges kept coming back. I fought the urges from the beginning and I think that's why I didn’t do it regularly by now, but my point is, I knew what Vic was going through. His self-harm was probably much worse than mine, but I think I had a good basic idea of what was going on in that head of his. And these thoughts weren’t pretty.
The most frustrating part of it all was that I wanted to help. I know how weird that sounds, as I didn’t even know the guy, but I cared about him. I didn’t want anyone to have to go through this on their own. It wasn’t a good approach to just walk up to him and ask him about it though. Self-harm is such a personal thing. I didn’t have the right to make him tell me about it while I wasn’t even his friend yet. I had to wait until I got to know him better and I didn’t like that thought at all.
During the rest of that lesson I noticed more and more signs of Vic’s self-harm. Even though I tried my hardest to stop paying attention to it, I couldn’t. I noticed the smallest things. Like how he was constantly pulling his sleeves down. Or the way he kept scratching his arm unconsciously. And I swore I saw him wince when someone grabbed his arm to ask for a pencil. At the end of the lesson I had no idea what the teacher had been talking about. That’s how obsessed I was with watching Vic. I was even annoying myself.
Vic walked with me to the cafeteria, as I didn’t know where it was. When we arrived I just awkwardly stood there while Vic was walking towards his friends. I was kind of unsure what to do. I didn’t make any friends here yet and I was afraid Vic would be annoyed if I followed him around. There was an empty table in the back and I was walking towards it when Vic suddenly turned around and grabbed my arm.
“You’re sitting with us,” he said while dragging me to the table. Tony, Kellin and a guy I hadn’t seen before greeted us and I sat down next to Tony.
“I’m Mike,” the unknown guy told me. “In case you didn’t know yet, I’m leading a very tough life. I am his little brother.” He pointed at Vic.
“How is that bad? I am the one who should feel bad about it, not you,” Vic grinned.
I looked at the two and smiled, because it was kind of funny that Vic was the older one. Mike looked a thousand times bigger and tougher than Vic. Yet, somewhere it made sense. Vic had this responsible look in his eyes which Mike didn’t have. I could imagine Vic taking care of anyone who needed it.
“I’m Jaime,” I told Mike while I shook his hand.
And once again I smiled. It felt like I had finally found friends. Damn, I hardly knew these guys yet, but it just felt right. I smiled, because I finally found a place where I belonged. Maybe I wasn’t a regular kid, but my new friends weren’t either. I smiled, because I had recalled how to smile again. I smiled, because I was truly happy for once. It just felt right.
***
The rest of the day flew by quickly. In every class I had was at least one of the others. I didn’t have any classes with Mike though, he was at least a year younger than all of us. I was walking to my car after school when I head Vic calling.
“Hey Jaime, wait a second!” he shouted. I stopped walking and turned around. Vic caught up on me. “We’re going to hang out at Tony’s now, do you wanna come?”
Was he seriously already asking me to hang out with them? I only met them today! I was a bit ashamed of myself as my smile probably grew wider than my face, but I nodded enthusiastically nevertheless. I took out my phone and texted my mom I might not be home for dinner. After that I drove to Tony’s house. Mike came along with me in my car to show me the way. He didn’t own a car yet anyway. I wasn’t even sure if he had his driver’s license yet. Oh well.
Tony lived in a regular house about fifteen minutes away from school. Apparently both of his parents worked until late, so they often used his place to hang out. The living room was big, but still cozy. Tony owned a huge television so it didn’t surprise me at all when Kellin suggested to watch a movie. We all agreed on it. Honestly, I don’t think I would’ve disagreed to anything. I was too happy about being there to mind anything.
We were almost at the end of the movie when I noticed Kellin snuggle up Vic’s chest. Kellin saw me watching and he grinned and blushed at the same time. “We didn’t tell him yet, did we?” he asked Vic.
Vic shook his head. Then he turned to me. “Well, I hope you have nothing against gays,” Vic said while scratching the back of his head. “Because Kellin and I have been together for quite a while now. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you earlier, I guess we just sort of forgot you didn’t know it yet.”
I just smiled at the two of them. “It’s okay, I’m glad you guys are happy together,” I assured them. It was impossible to explain why it suddenly felt like my heart had sunk into my stomach though. I tried to shake it off and I acted fine the rest of the time, but the feeling would not disappear anymore.
***
I came home after dinner. We had ordered pizza earlier and after that we spent some time gaming. It would’ve been my best day in ages, if it hadn’t been for that terrible feeling that I just couldn’t seem to be able to get rid of. I had been thinking a lot that evening. As Vic and Kellin were together, I was at least sure Vic had someone to talk to when he was going through more rough times. He could confide in Kellin and I was supposed to be happy about that. But the truth is, I wasn’t. I wanted Vic to be able to confide in someone, but I wanted that person to be me. Not Kellin.
After I got home I went upstairs straight away. I closed the door of my room and sat down on my bed. Thoughts were running through my head. Why did I care so fucking much about Vic, a guy I only met today? I mean, I would’ve thought I was crushing on him but I can’t be. I was very sure I was into girls. Besides that, I’d been in love before. This didn’t feel quite the same. It was weird though. I cared about Vic like I was in love with him, but without the butterflies. And without the wish to kiss him. But the feeling I had when he told me he was with Kellin? Was that jealousy? I felt like a complete freak.
Thank you! ;D
10/30/13