“I just wish I could be there for her like she is there for me,” I cried into my hands. “She works herself too hard, she worries too much, because of me!”

“It’s not because of you, angel,” Mike murmured in my ear, rubbing my shoulder. His other arm snaked around my waist and held me close to his side. We were curled up on his couch in his house; Vic was at mine, taking care of Phoebe.

I shook my head. “I can never be there for her,” I said quietly.

“You will be,” he reminded me. “Soon, too. She knows you care about her, she just needs—”

“She needs him, I know. He can take care of her.”

“Aw, Faye,” Mike chuckled and squeezed my side. “Are you jealous of Vic?” he teased, tickling my non-ticklish side. I smiled a little and shook my head.

“Wow, I sound so selfish,” I breathed, shaking my head.

“You’re not.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I am. It’s okay, though. I shouldn’t be like this,” I wiped under my eyes with my thumbs. “There’s nothing I can really do for her right now.”

“It’ll be okay,” he continued to rub my shoulder. I sighed and relaxed back into him, and he slid his arms around me. The past few days we had spent a lot more time together, and it was weird but also amazing how natural it felt to be with him like this. I haven’t questioned my worth or his intentions at all. For the first time in my life, I’ve just lived in the moment, not worrying about the past or the future and putting an overwhelming amount of trust in someone who was as good as a stranger barely two and a half months ago. I never thought I would become this comfortable with another person this quickly, but a combination of my need for human companionship and his respect for me made that impossibility possible.

Because fainting or dizzy-spells weren’t common for Phoebe, it wasn’t easy to figure out why she had. Fainting normally wasn’t a serious deal, and since she had no history of health problems they couldn’t find an immediate cause and they weren’t too worried about it. The only reason why she had been in the hospital, anyway, was for her head injury. They did, however, advise that she lay low for the next few days—she had a mild concussion from the fall—and if she felt faint again to call her doctor. I was hoping for her sake that it was going to be a one-time thing, like she was just sick and lightheaded or something else that wasn’t serious. Unfortunately, though, not even a day after she had been home, she passed out again, luckily when she was sitting on the couch with Vic. He had offered to stay there for at least that night to keep an eye on her.

I didn’t really know what was going on, not at first, at least. They were all talking lowly and panicked while I sat—literally and figuratively—in the dark. All I heard was Phoebe crying softly to Vic, explaining what she felt and what happened, while Mike—we were all together, of course—pulled me aside. As much as I wanted to help, there was nothing I could really do. So I let Vic call her doctor and comfort her while Mike sat with me and assured me that she was “fine.” I had to basically claw out of his throat that she was, in fact, not fine.

“I just don’t want you to worry,” he had said, running his fingers through my hair as we sat on my bed.

“And that makes me worry even more!” I had sighed and closed my eyes, falling back onto my pillows and his arm that happened to be there.

Now, a few days later, I was snuggled with Mike, trying not to think about the fact that Phoebe had, in intense times of stress, arrhythmias with her heart—minor and only occasional which was why the doctors didn’t detect it at first—causing abnormal heartbeats and then faintness. It didn’t require any treatment, just a few days of rest with Vic taking care of her. I knew Phoebe was the kind of girl who worked hard, but I never imagined that her stress levels could lead to actual physical health problems. This could have been going on for so long and I would have had no idea—a terrifying thought.

“It’s not serious, Faye. She’ll be fine in a few more days.” I trusted everything they told me—from what the doctors said while I wasn’t allowed to be in the room to what they said about her being “fine.”

“You guys are leaving in a few more days,” I replied sadly, wondering what we were going to do without them—I wouldn’t admit it to him, but it was hard enough when he had to go to band practice in preparation for the upcoming tours. I never intended to get like this, but I guess when you got close with someone their absence, no matter how short or long it was for, was going to leave a mark. He brushed my hair with his lanky fingers.

And it was clear that Phoebe needed to keep her distance from me, to wrap her head around her stress, but what was going to happen when the boys left for tour and she was stuck with me?

“I know, I’m sorry,” he murmured.

“Don’t apologize for having a kick-ass career, Mike!” I rolled my eyes and smiled, nudging his arm in an attempt to lighten the mood. It sucked, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t complain. I was the one that walked into his life, disrupting his routine—he always argued that it was the other way around, but I guess it went both ways. I was pretty sure, though, that whatever way it went it was for the better nonetheless. It was like our equally hectic lives collided suddenly and the messy parts just sort of somehow balanced each other out.

He chuckled, too, and pressed his lips to my temple. “I’m going to miss you, though.”

“Me too,” I sighed, blinking slowly.

“On the bright side, we have a lot to look forward to! When we are done with Southeast Asia and Soundwave, I’ll be able to swing by San Diego just in time for your operation!” he cheered, squeezing my sides.

I smiled excitedly and turned towards him, as if I was facing him. My hand rested casually on his chest as I beamed at him. “Are you excited to go to Southeast Asia and Australia?” I asked. Mike was quiet for a few moments so I assumed he was smiling and nodding.

A minute passed and then he laughed. “Yes, yes! It’s going to be sick,” he said enthusiastically. “I’m going to take a lot of pictures so you can see,” he added, kissing my cheek and I could practically feel the electricity from his excitement pass through his lips and on to my already burning skin.

I didn’t even bother mentioning that the operation had a great potential to fail; I didn’t want to burst his bubble. I wanted to be at least a little positive, trying not to frustrate anyone with my usual negativity and stubbornness. I constantly felt like I was annoying, but the fact that Mike was still here had to mean something. I used to never worry about how people perceived me, but having more relationships in my life effectively made me a tad self-conscious. I didn’t want to ruin anything.

“Do you think Phoebe is going to be alright when Vic is not here?” I asked carefully. I was concerned that my mere presence was enough to give her a heart attack—I was being melodramatic, of course.

“She’ll be just fine, I promise. She loves you, that’s why she is stressed all the time. But she will be more relaxed after chilling out for a while. Vic is just overprotective,” he chuckled a little at the end. I nodded and sighed lightly, burying my face into the comfort of his neck.

“Thank you,” I whispered. He ran his fingers through the hair on the back of my head.

“What for?”

“For not getting angry at my constant worrying,” I laughed a little and blushed.

“You’re too hard on yourself,” he observed. “Just relax,” he cooed gently while stroking my hair. I sighed and closed my eyes, curling up into him. I kissed the skin of his neck and then rested my head on his shoulder. I felt Mike turn his head so his breath tickled my nose. Then he shifted and his head ducked, our lips meeting softly. I smiled. He kissed me like that a few more times in a row before he rested his forehead against mine, sighing.

“What’s wrong?”

“I have to leave soon,” he groaned. “We have practice.”

“What time is it?” I wondered.

“Two,” he replied. “I have to leave in an hour.” I jutted my bottom lip out into a pout. “Do you want to come with me?” he asked.

“I don’t want to get in the way, it’s okay,” I shrugged my shoulders. “Besides, I should probably check in with Phoebe,” I said. I haven’t talked to her in person in two days; she was resting a lot and it was worrying me. I hated that I was the reason why she was so stressed, but I tried not to voice that. This was about her, not me.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he said, tracing his fingers up and down my arm. “Vic called earlier. He said she’s doing better. She gets her stitches out soon.”

“That’s good,” I said quietly. “How is she feeling otherwise? Like with her heart and stuff?” I asked. The main reason why Vic was taking care of her was for her concussion, making sure she didn’t strain her head injury. And I guess him being there also kept her relaxed, but apparently the doctors didn’t think her heart would act up too seriously again. It was usually just a once-or-twice kind of thing—and for her, it only happened twice. They said that she only fainted because her stress was coupled with exhaustion, so if it were to happen again post this period of relaxation, she wouldn’t pass out. She’d just feel a skip in her chest and then be able to move forward with the day. Vic was with her to make sure she was actually resting, getting rid of her exhaustion and hopefully her stress, too.

“Er,” Mike started. I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Mike?”

“Faye,” he sighed—his voice sounded strained. “I… she… they’re going to kill me for telling you, but—”

“What the fuck?” I spat angrily. They were hiding something from me? Everything I knew about Phoebe was information I heard second-hand, but, until now, I had no reason to not trust what they were telling me. Why would they need to lie to me?

“Sh, Faye, calm down,” he grabbed my hands and held them gently in between his own. “Um… Phoebe made us swear not to tell but you’re going to see for yourself soon, eventually… the reason why her heart was occasionally acting up was because… well,” he paused and sighed, giving my hands a squeeze.

“Because she is overwhelmed with stress…?” I filled in. That was what I was told, anyway. That was what made sense to me. Of course she was stressed—Phoebe had a lot going on in addition to the burden of being around me. I didn’t want her to worry about me but she couldn’t help herself.

“Well, yeah, that, but… it’s not your fault. I can see in your eyes that you’re thinking about it.” He lifted one of his hands and traced his thumb over my left eye.

“What is it?” I asked quietly.

“Vic began to notice, first. She’s so tiny, Faye. Fragile and small… and she’s sick,” he sighed.

“Sick?” my voice broke.

“She didn’t want to worry you, Faye. You have a lot going on and the last thing you need is to worry about her. She has Vic to do all the worrying,” he said, laughing a little at the end. I shook my head and furrowed my eyebrows. This wasn’t funny to me.

“What do you mean, sick?” I pressed, swallowing a knot in my throat.

Mike sighed and gave my hand another squeeze. “She’s bulimic—”

“No,” I breathed. “Sh-she always tells me that beauty is within. Why would she have an eating disorder?” a tear slipped down my cheeks. I didn’t understand.

“Maybe she was telling you, trying to convince herself,” he said softly, wiping away my tears. “She’s beautiful, Faye. Just like you, inside and out. But she is crumbling, a combination of stress and a distorted mental image making her believe otherwise. And she’s so secretive about it, but it’s taking its toll on her physically, obviously with the heart stutters and fainting,” he explained.

“So…” my voice trailed off as I thought about what this meant. The selfish meaning: Phoebe was worrying about me so much that she neglected herself? The other, more or less probable meaning: she was just plain sick.

I didn’t know which was worse.

“It’s not because of you, Faye,” he ran his fingers through my hair. I remained quiet in thought, taking in this new information. I felt dizzy with all of this. My chest constricted—I felt betrayed but I also hated that I felt that way. This was about her, not me!

“So everything you guys have told me about her was a lie?”

“No! Not at all! It is all true and accurate… we just… we just kept out that part…”

“Why the fuck would you do that?” I asked angrily.

“She didn’t want you to worry, I told you.”

“Not everything is about me! Damn it! Just because I can’t see doesn’t mean I have to be oblivious to everything! Do you understand how horrible that makes me feel? That my best friend is struggling with herself and I had no idea?” my voice broke at the end and I cried into my hands. Mike started to wrap his arms around me but I shrugged him away. “No, Mike. You could have told me earlier. Any of you could have told me. This entire damn time I thought she was stressed because she’s always trying to take care of me. Now I find out that she is sick, that she’s suffering from a disease that I didn’t even know she had? Do you understand how selfish that makes me feel? How much that hurts?”

“I’m sorry, Faye,” he said quietly. “I didn’t think it was a good idea hiding it from you, but Phoebe was scared and upset that we even found out. That’s why she asked you to leave the hospital room… the doctors suspected it and she didn’t want you in there to hear about it,” he said. I gritted my teeth, angry with them all for intentionally not telling me something this serious.

“I can’t believe this!” I exclaimed. I felt Mike reach out for me again, but I backed away from him, shaking my head.

“C’mon, Faye,” he sighed.

“I’m sorry. I just need to wrap my head around this.” I sighed and then I laughed irrationally. “I’m trying really hard to not be self-centered, you know? I want to be there for her, but I just want her to be okay… I don’t want to think about myself but I feel guilty for this, too… Do you see my problem?” I shook my head. Mike sighed and he reached out for me again; this time, I let him keep his palm on my cheek.

“You’re the most selfless person I know. You have a big heart, Faye. You care so much, maybe even too much, but that’s not a bad thing. I know you feel conflicted right now… I’m so sorry,” he sighed.

“It’s not about me,” I shook my head, forcing everything out. “It’s not about me. I just need to be there for her. If that means keeping my distance I’ll do that, whatever she needs,” I said, determined. Mike sighed lightly again and pulled me closer to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck.

“You’re wonderful, Faye. Phoebe has the best friend in the entire world. I have the best girlfriend in the entire world. Please don’t beat yourself up over anything. She’s going through something but that doesn’t mean you can’t have feelings, too,” he said, rubbing my back. I nodded and closed my eyes.

“You’re right.” I leaned forward to kiss him, but I hit his nose instead of his mouth. We both giggled for a minute and then he corrected my error, kissing my lips. Then, we sat in silence. “Should I let her know that I know? What should I do?”

“I’m not sure. Maybe talk to Vic, first…”

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“Faye, she’s going be just fine. She has a good support system now, you, Vic, me…”

“How long has this been going on, do you know?” I asked quietly, terrified for the answer. Mike sighed and gave my body a squeeze.

The moment the first syllable slipped past his teeth, I clenched my eyes shut and cried quietly, shaking my head in denial. “Don’t tell me that,” I whispered as he murmured the words, “Two years.”

“She’s been trying to recover before—”

“By herself?” I cried into his shoulder. I always thought I was alone in the dark. Really, Phoebe was in just as much dark as I was.

Mike sighed as he nodded against my head. He mumbled something but I couldn’t quiet understand what he had said. “C’mon,” he said a little louder. I looked up and wondered where he wanted to go. He scooped me up in his arms. “Vic texted me. He’s staying with Phoebe. We cancelled—”

I sighed loudly. “I’m so sorry, Mike.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“You guys have responsibilities that—”

“No, Faye. This is real life. The band is a lot but it isn’t everything. Today’s practice wasn’t even that important. It’s just last minute stuff that Jaime and Tony can handle themselves. I promise that it’s okay,” he said, stroking my cheek with the back of his fingers. As we were talking, he was carrying me up the stairs.

“Does this mean Phoebe isn’t doing well right now?” I asked in a small voice.

“No, she’s fine. She’s actually doing great. Vic is just paranoid to leave her alone, y’know? He doesn’t want her to break the streak she has going,” he said.

“You can’t quit those kind of things cold turkey,” I said quietly.

“She hasn’t,” he sighed out the cold hard truth and I cringed. Mike set me down on his bed and then he sat down himself. I immediately clutched onto him and we got comfortable together. I closed my eyes hard, trying to keep my imagination from spinning about Phoebe’s situation. How did I miss this?

“Shh, shh,” Mike soothed, gently kissing my forehead over and over while he brushed my hair.

“She always seemed so h-happy… so okay…” I whimpered. Not once have I ever wondered if something was wrong with her. How?

“I know,” he sighed. “Sometimes the happiest and nicest people in the world have secret problems… I’m not even blind but I couldn’t even see that Vic—uh,” he stopped himself. Then he sighed. “A while ago, in high school, Vic had problems. Different from Phoebes, but, still. I would have never known,” he sighed. “Don’t repeat that.”

“I won’t,” I confirmed. “I’m sorry.”

“But it’s okay, Faye. We can’t blame ourselves, we just have to be there for them, now,” he said.

“You’re right,” I sighed. I couldn’t stress over what I used to not know—I knew now, that was what mattered.

“I’m sorry for keeping it from you. It wasn’t right.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry for getting angry. It’s not your fault.” Instead of saying anything, he just kissed me again. I closed my eyes.

“Should I… ah, never mind,” I shook my head. I was going to contemplate if I should even bother continuing with the whole operation thing in light of Phoebe’s condition. But I knew what he’d say. He’d call me crazy for even considering not doing it. Besides, if I could see again that would make being there for Phoebe ten times easier. I just felt bad that all the attention was on me this entire time while she was breaking down unnoticed.

Mike laughed. “Yeah, don’t even bother asking that question,” he said as if he could read my mind. “Just relax, everything’s going to be okay,” he whispered, kissing me softly. I melted with his lips against mine. My hands were balled up against his chest, and I flattened them out and slid them up, tangling them in the hair on the back of his neck.

Mike leaned forward more, rolling me on my back. He held one hand on my hip and the other on the side of my face as he continued to kiss me from above. I tightened my arms around his neck and sighed contently, letting him in, bringing him closer.

He pulled away briefly and mumbled something into the corner of my mouth, I didn’t understand him but I didn’t have time to ask because he pecked my lips a few times, then my left cheek, trailing to the side of my face, up my jaw, down my neck. I gasped a little as he left sweet kisses on my skin, my heart skipping in my chest.

Mike’s hands were now both on my sides, sneaking onto my chill bumped skin as my shirt slid up a little. His palms were warm against me, leaving a hot trail of fire as they roamed up to my rib cage and then back down to my hips.

He kissed me again passionately. I kissed back at first, but then my body tensed. I didn’t want to be, but I was afraid.

“What’s wrong?” he murmured, continuing to press gentle kisses along my jaw.

I trusted Mike, but I was still afraid. I couldn’t see his eyes—I didn’t know what he was thinking. I was afraid to let things escalate, even if I did want it.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Mike eased his lips off of me and rested his chin on my chest, his breath tickling the bottom half of my face.

“Why are you sorry?” he asked gently. He lifted his hands from my skin and placed them on either side of my head.

“Because…” my voice trailed off. I blushed and sighed. Mike lifted himself up and pecked my lips quickly before rolling into the spot next to me, plopping down and keeping an arm draped across my middle.

“Don’t cry, Faye,” he cooed. I blinked, unaware that I was tearing up. Sure enough, they burned. “Hey, hey, hey,” he snuggled closer to me and placed his palm on my far cheek. His thumb brushed across my already tingling skin.

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, sweetheart,” he chuckled. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable…”

I shook my head furiously. “You didn’t,” I sniffed and blushed in embarrassment. “I freaked out.”

“I don’t want to cross any lines with you, Faye. I won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with.” He ran his fingers through my hair repeatedly and my body relaxed—I didn’t realize how tense I was.

“I’m sorry… I just… it’s scary for me,” I said quietly.

“I understand, Faye, you don’t have to be sorry,” he said sweetly; I couldn’t detect any hint of disappointment in his tone.

“I want to be able to see you,” I whispered shyly.

“I understand,” he said again. Mike kissed me slowly, and then I felt his mouth lift into a smile. I wanted to see that smile. I smiled back and buried my face into his neck. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close. I sighed in relief.

“It’s not even that late in the afternoon and I could just fall asleep right now,” he said with a small chuckle.

“I’m sorry, am I boring you?” I smirked with a giggle.

Mike laughed. “Nooo, I just want to hold youuu,” he sang, squeezing me. I smiled and pulled my head from the crook of his neck so I could kiss his cheek.

“Then hold me,” I whispered, re-snuggling into him.

“Don’t worry about anything right now,” he whispered into my ear. “Don’t think, just relax,” he cooed. I nodded, letting his words sink in. There was nothing I could do about Phoebe right now. I took a few breaths and convinced myself to be calm, to not over think. Knowing she was in good hands, I allowed my mind to drift off while Mike held me securely. I only had a limited time with him, after all.

Notes

Ahh sorry for the delay! Forgive me

Jam packed chapter I think, a mix of dramatics and cheesiness (sorry for the cheesiness but I mean it's also sweet in my opinion haha), and we have a lot coming up in future chapters!

Let me know what you think pleaaasee! :)
xoxo