I'm Not Alright, And I Would Rather...
Chapter 2
Vic's Point of View
We'd all said goodbye and departed from the crowd, sitting backstage for a much-needed and well-deserved break. The four of us had another half-hour until our private meet and greet with a few fans who'd won a previous contest Pierce The Veil had prior to the start of Warped Tour and I excused myself to go take a shower that I needed desperately; I knew I wouldn't last long if I hadn't had something to cool me down. They waved me off dismissively and I sighed, walking to our tour bus and closing the door as I entered the small bathroom. This was just a repeat of what had happened earlier this morning; avoid my reflection, expect the sting, wash and get out. Only this time, there was a whole new sting added to the mix as I reached for my blade and instantly added several new cuts to my thighs and hips. The dark blood instantly pooled where the blade had bit into my skin, welling up and running down my body until it reached the drain and was gone just like that. Clenching my fists, I moved the shower head down from it's holster and let the stream of water go directly into the new cuts I'd just added as I made a strangled noise of pain. I kept telling myself that this was necessary; it was this or nothing. And feeling nothing just wasn't something I could handle anymore.
Once I'd shut off the water, I stepped out of the shower. Groaning when the movement pulled the cuts apart and allowed more blood to well up and pour down my leg, I grabbed some toilet paper and started to dab at the blood before reaching for the first-aid kit under the sink and finding some gauze to wrap around my legs and settled for a few bandages on my hips. I'd almost finished dressing my wounds when a knock on the door made me jump and drop the kit.
"Vic? You alright in there? We've got ten minutes to be at the tent," Mike called through the door and I took a quick breath to steady myself.
"Yeah, I'm good. I'll be out in a second I just need to finish putting some clothes on." I explained and winced as I bent down to grab the kit. I pulled my shorts on, adjusting them to make sure they'd cover my thighs before pulling my shirt on and turning to my reflection. This was the part I dreaded about every day, and it was worse each time. I'd already seen myself this morning so I knew to expect the dark circles under my eyes and the sunken parts of my weary face but that didn't make it any easier than the first time. Spending as little time as possible, I tamed my hair and adjusted it, seeing it already starting to dry as I pulled my beanie on and adjusted my nose ring before opening the door to Mike leaning, cross-armed against the wall as impatient as he had been this morning.
"Let's go." he said and motioned for me to follow him. After we'd stepped off the bus, he practically broke into a run and I looked at him exasperatedly. "Seriously, we have less than two minutes to get there, come on!" he shouted behind him as he noticed I'd kept my pace.
Reluctantly, I nodded and moved my feet faster, one in front of the other to a slow jog. It sounded easy, in theory that is. Had the burning in my thighs not been there, perhaps this task would've been as easy as it was for him. But it wasn't the case, and I had no one but myself to blame. If I hadn't been so weak and added to my misery, it would be fine. I'm just incapable of keeping my thoughts in the light and instead buried myself in the dark, kept company by the negative thoughts that inhabited that area of my brain.
Mike and I'd made it to the tent with seconds to spare as the tent flap opened to let two girls inside, each adorning a VIP pass around their necks and grins in place of their already seemingly tired faces. Slowly, my gaze followed the one girl closest to me as she approached our table before I allowed myself to look at her face and nearly forgot how to breathe. I got myself lost in the same gorgeous blue-gray eyes I'd been lost in back on stage. This was the girl, and now she was standing less than two feet away from me.
Tony, who was seated next to me, nudged his foot against mine and gave me a weird look. Luckily, the nudge brought me back to reality and I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and shrugged at him before turning to the girls. "Congratulations on winning the contest." I said to them with the best smile I could muster, "I'm sure you already know this but I'm Vic, that's Tony, Mike and Jaime." I said, pointing to them in order before turning back to the two.
"We know." the first one laughed and it was the most melodic sound I'd ever heard. "I'm Zoey, that's Elizabeth." she introduced as she motioned to an attractive blond with shoulder length hair and brown eyes. The girl, Elizabeth, smiled and waved at us all as Zoey grabbed a book and a letter out from her Glamour Kills bag. "I… I really want you to have this." she said as she handed me the letter shyly and I took it, glancing down at the envelope where my name was scrawled in elegant cursive. Before I could speak, another thing was placed in front of me. It was the book she'd been holding, only this time it was open to a page with writing.
"Write something to make me smile" was written in black sharpie on the page and I bit my lip, staying silent as I tried to decide what to write. My gaze flickered to her wrists, the scars and cuts I'd seen earlier now concealed by several bracelets but I knew they were there, and one was still visible over the edge of one of them. Eventually, I settled for "Darling you'll be okay - I love you" and then my signature before sliding it back to her and looking up just in time to see her read it and hide a blush.
"Thank you." she said softly and moved over to Tony with the book and I glanced over to watch as he drew a turtle taking a crap. Silently, I cursed myself. All I managed was lyrics and Tony drew something that really would make her laugh. I don't know why I cared so much, but that didn't change the fact that I did. After the rest of the guys had finished signing her book, Zoey bit her lip. "So, is that all?" she asked shyly.
I glanced over at the guys who were shrugging in response. "The contest was a private meet and greet with a signing," Jaime explained and glanced over at me for a second, "but I'm sure we have nothing else to do this afternoon if you ladies would like to hang out with us? Maybe we'll even give you an acoustic treat." he winked at Elizabeth who giggled in response.
"Vic?" Tony nudged me and I blinked confusedly, realizing he'd been trying to catch my attention for a while and I hadn't noticed; I was too busy looking at Zoey. There was just something about her that made it nearly impossible to look away.
"What?" I asked as I finally looked away from Zoey.
"Do you want to grab the acoustics or no?" Tony asked, raising an eyebrow at me.
"Yeah, sure." I nodded and forced a convincing smile as I stood to go grab two acoustics, handing one to Tony before looking back at the two girls in front of us. "What song would you like to hear first?" I asked, making eye contact with Zoey again.
Zoey bit her lip, glancing at me with a light blush painting her cheeks. "Can you play Hold on Till May?"
My lips twitched up into a real smile; something that hadn't happened in a long time. "It's a duet."
"I know, but…" she trailed off, "If you can't, it's not a big deal." she said with a small frown and I instantly felt bad.
"But Z, you can sing." her friend turned to me with a huge smile. "She's amazing, seriously. She knows every song by you guys off by heart and she can sing them perfectly." she laughed as Zoey nudged her to silence her, face redder than it was before.
"Alright, Liz. Shut up," she said and gave a forced laugh.
"Wait, no. Zoey, would you like to sing it with me?" I asked as I tuned the guitar and gave her a smile.
"Seriously?" she asked, face lighting up.
"Seriously." I nodded, feeling my smile grow into a grin without being forced.
"I'd love to." she said eagerly.
"Alright, you can do the chorus and Lindsey's part. Sound good?" I asked, though somehow I felt like she'd agree with anything I said. But there was one other thing I noticed about her as well; she wasn't acting like a fangirl at all. She was calm, minus the fact that she was eager to sing with me. It definitely left a nice feeling in my stomach as I strummed once to get ready.
"Perfect." she laughed and I laughed with her as I started the introduction, accompanied by Tony playing the backing riff.
After a few lines, I started to sing the chorus out of habit and my hand faltered on the strings as her voice faded in. Elizabeth wasn't lying; she really was an amazing singer. There were no words to describe her voice; it wasn't too high and definitely not too low, and it had that slight rasp that drove me insane. Needless to say her voice was like an angel singing a divine hymn.
"…If I were you, I'd put that away. See, you're just wasted and thinking about the past again. Darling, you'll be okay…" I sang before stopping and looking up at her, but not before I glanced at her wrists. She seemed to notice and I instantly felt terrible as she put her hands behind her back to hide them. There were tears in her eyes as she came in, but she didn't let them fall. God, how I wanted to hold her at that moment.
"If you were me, you'd do the same." she said, holding the note in the word 'same' the right length with the waviness that Lindsey had; only this time I was mesmerized by it. The simplicity of it didn't hide how perfect her voice was. "'Cause I can't take anymore, I'll draw the shades and close the door. I'm not alright, and I would rather…" she trailed off, looking down at the ground and I could've sworn it looked like she'd mouthed the word 'die' to herself. I noticed her fists clench as we finished the last verse together and she looked up, giving me a forced smile.
"You're an amazing singer, Zoey." I complimented honestly.
"You think so?" she asked shyly.
"I know so." I chuckled and nodded as her smile started to seem less forced.
"Thank you, it means a lot coming from you." she said and I felt a little flip in my stomach that I'd never felt before. It was like the most simple thing could make my heart skip a beat when it came to her. But I knew nothing other than the girl's name! How could I feel so attracted to her? Shaking the thoughts out of my head, I glanced up at her again and gave her a smile. She returned it for a minute before her lips started to tremble and I saw the tears return in her eyes.
"E-excuse me," she mumbled and walked quickly from the tent as Elizabeth looked after her worriedly, ignoring Jaime and Mike who were previously talking to her.
"Is she okay?" I couldn't help asking and Elizabeth turned to me.
"Yeah, she's fine." she said quickly, but I could see through it. I nodded and stood up, unable to keep the nervous feeling from myself as I went out after her.
"Zoey?" I called and walked for a bit behind the tent towards the tree I was in earlier this morning when I looked up and saw her sitting in the same branch I'd been in. She had her back to me but I could see her face was in her hands, shoulders hunched and shaking as she cried. I jogged over to the tree and looked up. "Zoey, what's wrong?" I asked and she hid her face further in her hands.
"Nothing, I'm fine." she mumbled. Shaking my head, I hoisted myself up the tree and sat next to her, not looking at her but instead staring ahead in the direction she'd be looking if she had her face risen.
"I'm not going to force you to tell me anything. But you know that you can tell me if you want to." I told her quietly as I gripped the branch loosely to keep myself steady.
"It's… Not important. It's all in the letter." she said almost inaudibly and I instantly reached for the letter I'd tucked into my pocket.
"Do you mind if I read it now, then? So we can talk?" I asked, turning to look at her and she laughed softly.
"I was kind of hoping you'd read it, otherwise I wouldn't have given it to you." she said and I nodded as I pulled it out and opened it. Slowly scanning through each and every broken sentence included in that letter, I felt my heart drop more and more.
"Zoey, I'm so, so sorry." I whispered and hesitantly pulled her in for a hug. "I'm so sorry."
We'd all said goodbye and departed from the crowd, sitting backstage for a much-needed and well-deserved break. The four of us had another half-hour until our private meet and greet with a few fans who'd won a previous contest Pierce The Veil had prior to the start of Warped Tour and I excused myself to go take a shower that I needed desperately; I knew I wouldn't last long if I hadn't had something to cool me down. They waved me off dismissively and I sighed, walking to our tour bus and closing the door as I entered the small bathroom. This was just a repeat of what had happened earlier this morning; avoid my reflection, expect the sting, wash and get out. Only this time, there was a whole new sting added to the mix as I reached for my blade and instantly added several new cuts to my thighs and hips. The dark blood instantly pooled where the blade had bit into my skin, welling up and running down my body until it reached the drain and was gone just like that. Clenching my fists, I moved the shower head down from it's holster and let the stream of water go directly into the new cuts I'd just added as I made a strangled noise of pain. I kept telling myself that this was necessary; it was this or nothing. And feeling nothing just wasn't something I could handle anymore.
Once I'd shut off the water, I stepped out of the shower. Groaning when the movement pulled the cuts apart and allowed more blood to well up and pour down my leg, I grabbed some toilet paper and started to dab at the blood before reaching for the first-aid kit under the sink and finding some gauze to wrap around my legs and settled for a few bandages on my hips. I'd almost finished dressing my wounds when a knock on the door made me jump and drop the kit.
"Vic? You alright in there? We've got ten minutes to be at the tent," Mike called through the door and I took a quick breath to steady myself.
"Yeah, I'm good. I'll be out in a second I just need to finish putting some clothes on." I explained and winced as I bent down to grab the kit. I pulled my shorts on, adjusting them to make sure they'd cover my thighs before pulling my shirt on and turning to my reflection. This was the part I dreaded about every day, and it was worse each time. I'd already seen myself this morning so I knew to expect the dark circles under my eyes and the sunken parts of my weary face but that didn't make it any easier than the first time. Spending as little time as possible, I tamed my hair and adjusted it, seeing it already starting to dry as I pulled my beanie on and adjusted my nose ring before opening the door to Mike leaning, cross-armed against the wall as impatient as he had been this morning.
"Let's go." he said and motioned for me to follow him. After we'd stepped off the bus, he practically broke into a run and I looked at him exasperatedly. "Seriously, we have less than two minutes to get there, come on!" he shouted behind him as he noticed I'd kept my pace.
Reluctantly, I nodded and moved my feet faster, one in front of the other to a slow jog. It sounded easy, in theory that is. Had the burning in my thighs not been there, perhaps this task would've been as easy as it was for him. But it wasn't the case, and I had no one but myself to blame. If I hadn't been so weak and added to my misery, it would be fine. I'm just incapable of keeping my thoughts in the light and instead buried myself in the dark, kept company by the negative thoughts that inhabited that area of my brain.
Mike and I'd made it to the tent with seconds to spare as the tent flap opened to let two girls inside, each adorning a VIP pass around their necks and grins in place of their already seemingly tired faces. Slowly, my gaze followed the one girl closest to me as she approached our table before I allowed myself to look at her face and nearly forgot how to breathe. I got myself lost in the same gorgeous blue-gray eyes I'd been lost in back on stage. This was the girl, and now she was standing less than two feet away from me.
Tony, who was seated next to me, nudged his foot against mine and gave me a weird look. Luckily, the nudge brought me back to reality and I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding and shrugged at him before turning to the girls. "Congratulations on winning the contest." I said to them with the best smile I could muster, "I'm sure you already know this but I'm Vic, that's Tony, Mike and Jaime." I said, pointing to them in order before turning back to the two.
"We know." the first one laughed and it was the most melodic sound I'd ever heard. "I'm Zoey, that's Elizabeth." she introduced as she motioned to an attractive blond with shoulder length hair and brown eyes. The girl, Elizabeth, smiled and waved at us all as Zoey grabbed a book and a letter out from her Glamour Kills bag. "I… I really want you to have this." she said as she handed me the letter shyly and I took it, glancing down at the envelope where my name was scrawled in elegant cursive. Before I could speak, another thing was placed in front of me. It was the book she'd been holding, only this time it was open to a page with writing.
"Write something to make me smile" was written in black sharpie on the page and I bit my lip, staying silent as I tried to decide what to write. My gaze flickered to her wrists, the scars and cuts I'd seen earlier now concealed by several bracelets but I knew they were there, and one was still visible over the edge of one of them. Eventually, I settled for "Darling you'll be okay - I love you" and then my signature before sliding it back to her and looking up just in time to see her read it and hide a blush.
"Thank you." she said softly and moved over to Tony with the book and I glanced over to watch as he drew a turtle taking a crap. Silently, I cursed myself. All I managed was lyrics and Tony drew something that really would make her laugh. I don't know why I cared so much, but that didn't change the fact that I did. After the rest of the guys had finished signing her book, Zoey bit her lip. "So, is that all?" she asked shyly.
I glanced over at the guys who were shrugging in response. "The contest was a private meet and greet with a signing," Jaime explained and glanced over at me for a second, "but I'm sure we have nothing else to do this afternoon if you ladies would like to hang out with us? Maybe we'll even give you an acoustic treat." he winked at Elizabeth who giggled in response.
"Vic?" Tony nudged me and I blinked confusedly, realizing he'd been trying to catch my attention for a while and I hadn't noticed; I was too busy looking at Zoey. There was just something about her that made it nearly impossible to look away.
"What?" I asked as I finally looked away from Zoey.
"Do you want to grab the acoustics or no?" Tony asked, raising an eyebrow at me.
"Yeah, sure." I nodded and forced a convincing smile as I stood to go grab two acoustics, handing one to Tony before looking back at the two girls in front of us. "What song would you like to hear first?" I asked, making eye contact with Zoey again.
Zoey bit her lip, glancing at me with a light blush painting her cheeks. "Can you play Hold on Till May?"
My lips twitched up into a real smile; something that hadn't happened in a long time. "It's a duet."
"I know, but…" she trailed off, "If you can't, it's not a big deal." she said with a small frown and I instantly felt bad.
"But Z, you can sing." her friend turned to me with a huge smile. "She's amazing, seriously. She knows every song by you guys off by heart and she can sing them perfectly." she laughed as Zoey nudged her to silence her, face redder than it was before.
"Alright, Liz. Shut up," she said and gave a forced laugh.
"Wait, no. Zoey, would you like to sing it with me?" I asked as I tuned the guitar and gave her a smile.
"Seriously?" she asked, face lighting up.
"Seriously." I nodded, feeling my smile grow into a grin without being forced.
"I'd love to." she said eagerly.
"Alright, you can do the chorus and Lindsey's part. Sound good?" I asked, though somehow I felt like she'd agree with anything I said. But there was one other thing I noticed about her as well; she wasn't acting like a fangirl at all. She was calm, minus the fact that she was eager to sing with me. It definitely left a nice feeling in my stomach as I strummed once to get ready.
"Perfect." she laughed and I laughed with her as I started the introduction, accompanied by Tony playing the backing riff.
After a few lines, I started to sing the chorus out of habit and my hand faltered on the strings as her voice faded in. Elizabeth wasn't lying; she really was an amazing singer. There were no words to describe her voice; it wasn't too high and definitely not too low, and it had that slight rasp that drove me insane. Needless to say her voice was like an angel singing a divine hymn.
"…If I were you, I'd put that away. See, you're just wasted and thinking about the past again. Darling, you'll be okay…" I sang before stopping and looking up at her, but not before I glanced at her wrists. She seemed to notice and I instantly felt terrible as she put her hands behind her back to hide them. There were tears in her eyes as she came in, but she didn't let them fall. God, how I wanted to hold her at that moment.
"If you were me, you'd do the same." she said, holding the note in the word 'same' the right length with the waviness that Lindsey had; only this time I was mesmerized by it. The simplicity of it didn't hide how perfect her voice was. "'Cause I can't take anymore, I'll draw the shades and close the door. I'm not alright, and I would rather…" she trailed off, looking down at the ground and I could've sworn it looked like she'd mouthed the word 'die' to herself. I noticed her fists clench as we finished the last verse together and she looked up, giving me a forced smile.
"You're an amazing singer, Zoey." I complimented honestly.
"You think so?" she asked shyly.
"I know so." I chuckled and nodded as her smile started to seem less forced.
"Thank you, it means a lot coming from you." she said and I felt a little flip in my stomach that I'd never felt before. It was like the most simple thing could make my heart skip a beat when it came to her. But I knew nothing other than the girl's name! How could I feel so attracted to her? Shaking the thoughts out of my head, I glanced up at her again and gave her a smile. She returned it for a minute before her lips started to tremble and I saw the tears return in her eyes.
"E-excuse me," she mumbled and walked quickly from the tent as Elizabeth looked after her worriedly, ignoring Jaime and Mike who were previously talking to her.
"Is she okay?" I couldn't help asking and Elizabeth turned to me.
"Yeah, she's fine." she said quickly, but I could see through it. I nodded and stood up, unable to keep the nervous feeling from myself as I went out after her.
"Zoey?" I called and walked for a bit behind the tent towards the tree I was in earlier this morning when I looked up and saw her sitting in the same branch I'd been in. She had her back to me but I could see her face was in her hands, shoulders hunched and shaking as she cried. I jogged over to the tree and looked up. "Zoey, what's wrong?" I asked and she hid her face further in her hands.
"Nothing, I'm fine." she mumbled. Shaking my head, I hoisted myself up the tree and sat next to her, not looking at her but instead staring ahead in the direction she'd be looking if she had her face risen.
"I'm not going to force you to tell me anything. But you know that you can tell me if you want to." I told her quietly as I gripped the branch loosely to keep myself steady.
"It's… Not important. It's all in the letter." she said almost inaudibly and I instantly reached for the letter I'd tucked into my pocket.
"Do you mind if I read it now, then? So we can talk?" I asked, turning to look at her and she laughed softly.
"I was kind of hoping you'd read it, otherwise I wouldn't have given it to you." she said and I nodded as I pulled it out and opened it. Slowly scanning through each and every broken sentence included in that letter, I felt my heart drop more and more.
"Zoey, I'm so, so sorry." I whispered and hesitantly pulled her in for a hug. "I'm so sorry."
Notes
Don't want this to be stolen, so Copyright 2013©-
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3/23/14