I'm Not Alright, And I Would Rather...
Chapter 1
Vic's Point of View
"Vic, get up. We have soundcheck in less than twenty minutes," Jaime's voice drifted to me in my subconscious state as the feeling of someone jerking my shoulder semi-roughly registered in my sleep hazed brain. I reached up and swatted their hand away before I groggily opened my eyes.
"What?" I mumbled, voice still scratchy from sleep. I hadn't been sleeping well lately, and it definitely showed. My eyes had bags under them so dark I could've passed for saying I had a black eye. Maybe it was the nightmares that always seemed to find me in my dreaming state, or maybe it was the tossing that woke me up constantly. Whatever it was, it made sleeping a difficult task.
"Soundcheck, twenty. Get up, go." Jaime said slowly as if he were talking to a child.
"On it." I groaned as I swung my legs over the side of my bunk and got up, adjusting my sleeves of my hoodie to make sure no skin was bare. It's not that I was cold. In fact, the weather was hardly ever the case. As I trudged to the small bathroom located on our tour bus, I was vaguely aware of the light pull of the scabs on my thighs as the muscles flexed in attempt to keep me stable as I moved. It had become such a familiar feeling that it rarely ever phased me anymore. It was just one more way to feel since I'd become so numb.
I gave the doorknob a small twist to ensure it had locked behind me before stripping down, avoiding my reflection as I always did before turning on the water and stepping in. I'd already braced myself for the sudden stinging that was sure to occur when the water caressed my marred skin, but no amount of preparation will ever make the pain subside quicker, nor will anything make it easier to bear. All I thought of it as was a small price that was accompanied with being able to feel at least something again.
Running through the normal routine took the same amount of time as it always did as I washed my shoulder-length brown hair before moving to the rest of my body, paying special care to the abrasions adorning my tanned skin to ensure they were well cleansed before I turned off the warm jet of water and stepped out, dabbing a towel over my skin to dry it before moving onto my hair. It didn't take long to pull on some jeans and a shirt and hoodie, adding a few bracelets for precaution incase my sleeve were to roll up throughout the day. Completing my appearance with a snapback, I took one last look at my sunken face and opened the door to see the rest of my band, my bass player Jaime, guitarist Tony and brother and drummer Mike waiting impatiently for me.
I murmured a quick apology before following the three men out of the door of our tour bus and into the venue. We each grabbed our instruments, or in my brother's case his drumsticks, before going out to the stage facing a large vacated space that would soon be filled with thousands of fans that had come to this specific venue for Warped Tour. I took a deep breath and went over to the centre stage the way I would during a show and looked back to give my band the cue to start. We ran through our first song to make sure each instrument was working fine, with me testing the microphone to make sure it didn't stop working throughout the song. Once we were finished, I took my guitar back to the stand and told the guys I'd be back soon after I took a walk.
"I'll come," Jaime suggested and I shook my head with a forced smile.
"No, I need to be alone. Maybe next time, Jaime." I told him with an apologetic smile as I hopped off the stage and quickly walked around the barricade. The gates didn't open for at least another hour, so I figured it would be safe to wander around the site for a while before it was too crowded. After several minutes of walking, I found a shady patch of trees and went over, hoisting myself up the tree to sit in one of the lower branches, though it still hung a good seven feet off the ground. I leaned back against the trunk and closed my eyes, trying to find a calm thought to hitch a ride on as I rolled up my sleeves a little. It was never safe, even alone. But I was up high enough that I could easily roll my sleeves down before anyone had the chance to move close enough to see my scars and fresh cuts.
It wasn't until about forty minutes later that I looked at my phone, realizing I had only five minutes to get back to the stage to get ready to play before the venue was crawling with crazed fangirls and exhausted parents. I gave a low groan as I slid my sleeves back down and lowered myself to the ground before dusting off and starting to head back to the stage.
The fact that we were one of the first bands to play today made me feel a little better, knowing the fans wouldn't be tired from the long day in the sun, and also because it was early enough that the sun hadn't had the chance to make the day unbearably hot.
I started to question why none of my band members, especially my brother, had commented on the way I'd wear a large hoodie in the hottest weather you could imagine. I didn't dwell on it too long, though. Them knowing would be a catastrophe. Who knows what they'd do after they found out I'm such a mess who is still sinking; slowly reaching rock-bottom.
Not long after, I finally reached the stage and went up, grabbing my guitar and slinging it around my shoulders as the crowd started to chant "Pierce The Veil".
"Alright guys, let's get this done." I said enthusiastically as we gathered around to start our pre-show ritual. "This one's to Tony." It wasn't long before we were finishing off with our signature "P-T-V, whoo!" ending and raising our hands up to the sky. "Let's go,"
We all ran out onto the stage, gathering at the middle to wave before Mike took his position at the drums with Tony and Jaime on either side of me as I greeted the crowd. It was around the third song in when I saw her. She was pushing her way through the crowd, and finally made it to the barricade. As soon as our eyes locked, it seemed as if everyone but her and I disappeared, nearly causing me to miss the introduction to the next verse. I shook my head a little as if I could shoo away the distracting thoughts of the way her hair blew around her in the slight breeze, or the way her smile accented her features. I finished the song and went to get a drink, desperate to cool myself down a little before the next song began. I took a second to glance around at my best friends and brother, their faces seeming so blissful. I wish I had that the way I used to. They acted like they didn't have a care in the world.
No matter how hard I tried to concentrate as the intro to our final song of the set started, it seemed like every ounce of my attention was diverted back to that one girl in the crowd, arms up in the air as she jumped around and sang with me. She seemed happy, too. Hell, every god damn person in that crowd had a smile on their face despite the demons they hid beneath the surface. Maybe our shows really did give them the retreat they needed. I'd just opened my voice to start singing when I saw them - those thin pink, red and even white lines on that one girl's wrist. My heart squeezed at the sight and I couldn't help it. I turned to the guys and motioned for them to drag out the instrumental part as long as they could so I could give a speech.
"How many of you out there have ever taken a blade to your wrist? Starved yourselves 'cause you thought you weren't good enough?" I paused, watching thousands of people raise their hands, including the beautiful girl in the front. Nodding sadly, I continued in a determined voice, "And how many of you can truly say music has saved your life?" At that point, nearly every single hand shot up in the air as a chorus of cheers erupted. I glanced over to the side and saw Jaime and Tony had risen their hands as well and I closed my eyes for a second to stop the pain from entering my thoughts. "Good, because without these three guys up here with me, and without all of you, I can promise you I wouldn't be here either. So thank you." And with that, the final song, Hell Above, had started.
-
A/N
First chapter… It's meh. Hope you guys like it. Comment your opinions and depending on how it goes I'll see about keeping it going so… Yeah ^.^
"Vic, get up. We have soundcheck in less than twenty minutes," Jaime's voice drifted to me in my subconscious state as the feeling of someone jerking my shoulder semi-roughly registered in my sleep hazed brain. I reached up and swatted their hand away before I groggily opened my eyes.
"What?" I mumbled, voice still scratchy from sleep. I hadn't been sleeping well lately, and it definitely showed. My eyes had bags under them so dark I could've passed for saying I had a black eye. Maybe it was the nightmares that always seemed to find me in my dreaming state, or maybe it was the tossing that woke me up constantly. Whatever it was, it made sleeping a difficult task.
"Soundcheck, twenty. Get up, go." Jaime said slowly as if he were talking to a child.
"On it." I groaned as I swung my legs over the side of my bunk and got up, adjusting my sleeves of my hoodie to make sure no skin was bare. It's not that I was cold. In fact, the weather was hardly ever the case. As I trudged to the small bathroom located on our tour bus, I was vaguely aware of the light pull of the scabs on my thighs as the muscles flexed in attempt to keep me stable as I moved. It had become such a familiar feeling that it rarely ever phased me anymore. It was just one more way to feel since I'd become so numb.
I gave the doorknob a small twist to ensure it had locked behind me before stripping down, avoiding my reflection as I always did before turning on the water and stepping in. I'd already braced myself for the sudden stinging that was sure to occur when the water caressed my marred skin, but no amount of preparation will ever make the pain subside quicker, nor will anything make it easier to bear. All I thought of it as was a small price that was accompanied with being able to feel at least something again.
Running through the normal routine took the same amount of time as it always did as I washed my shoulder-length brown hair before moving to the rest of my body, paying special care to the abrasions adorning my tanned skin to ensure they were well cleansed before I turned off the warm jet of water and stepped out, dabbing a towel over my skin to dry it before moving onto my hair. It didn't take long to pull on some jeans and a shirt and hoodie, adding a few bracelets for precaution incase my sleeve were to roll up throughout the day. Completing my appearance with a snapback, I took one last look at my sunken face and opened the door to see the rest of my band, my bass player Jaime, guitarist Tony and brother and drummer Mike waiting impatiently for me.
I murmured a quick apology before following the three men out of the door of our tour bus and into the venue. We each grabbed our instruments, or in my brother's case his drumsticks, before going out to the stage facing a large vacated space that would soon be filled with thousands of fans that had come to this specific venue for Warped Tour. I took a deep breath and went over to the centre stage the way I would during a show and looked back to give my band the cue to start. We ran through our first song to make sure each instrument was working fine, with me testing the microphone to make sure it didn't stop working throughout the song. Once we were finished, I took my guitar back to the stand and told the guys I'd be back soon after I took a walk.
"I'll come," Jaime suggested and I shook my head with a forced smile.
"No, I need to be alone. Maybe next time, Jaime." I told him with an apologetic smile as I hopped off the stage and quickly walked around the barricade. The gates didn't open for at least another hour, so I figured it would be safe to wander around the site for a while before it was too crowded. After several minutes of walking, I found a shady patch of trees and went over, hoisting myself up the tree to sit in one of the lower branches, though it still hung a good seven feet off the ground. I leaned back against the trunk and closed my eyes, trying to find a calm thought to hitch a ride on as I rolled up my sleeves a little. It was never safe, even alone. But I was up high enough that I could easily roll my sleeves down before anyone had the chance to move close enough to see my scars and fresh cuts.
It wasn't until about forty minutes later that I looked at my phone, realizing I had only five minutes to get back to the stage to get ready to play before the venue was crawling with crazed fangirls and exhausted parents. I gave a low groan as I slid my sleeves back down and lowered myself to the ground before dusting off and starting to head back to the stage.
The fact that we were one of the first bands to play today made me feel a little better, knowing the fans wouldn't be tired from the long day in the sun, and also because it was early enough that the sun hadn't had the chance to make the day unbearably hot.
I started to question why none of my band members, especially my brother, had commented on the way I'd wear a large hoodie in the hottest weather you could imagine. I didn't dwell on it too long, though. Them knowing would be a catastrophe. Who knows what they'd do after they found out I'm such a mess who is still sinking; slowly reaching rock-bottom.
Not long after, I finally reached the stage and went up, grabbing my guitar and slinging it around my shoulders as the crowd started to chant "Pierce The Veil".
"Alright guys, let's get this done." I said enthusiastically as we gathered around to start our pre-show ritual. "This one's to Tony." It wasn't long before we were finishing off with our signature "P-T-V, whoo!" ending and raising our hands up to the sky. "Let's go,"
We all ran out onto the stage, gathering at the middle to wave before Mike took his position at the drums with Tony and Jaime on either side of me as I greeted the crowd. It was around the third song in when I saw her. She was pushing her way through the crowd, and finally made it to the barricade. As soon as our eyes locked, it seemed as if everyone but her and I disappeared, nearly causing me to miss the introduction to the next verse. I shook my head a little as if I could shoo away the distracting thoughts of the way her hair blew around her in the slight breeze, or the way her smile accented her features. I finished the song and went to get a drink, desperate to cool myself down a little before the next song began. I took a second to glance around at my best friends and brother, their faces seeming so blissful. I wish I had that the way I used to. They acted like they didn't have a care in the world.
No matter how hard I tried to concentrate as the intro to our final song of the set started, it seemed like every ounce of my attention was diverted back to that one girl in the crowd, arms up in the air as she jumped around and sang with me. She seemed happy, too. Hell, every god damn person in that crowd had a smile on their face despite the demons they hid beneath the surface. Maybe our shows really did give them the retreat they needed. I'd just opened my voice to start singing when I saw them - those thin pink, red and even white lines on that one girl's wrist. My heart squeezed at the sight and I couldn't help it. I turned to the guys and motioned for them to drag out the instrumental part as long as they could so I could give a speech.
"How many of you out there have ever taken a blade to your wrist? Starved yourselves 'cause you thought you weren't good enough?" I paused, watching thousands of people raise their hands, including the beautiful girl in the front. Nodding sadly, I continued in a determined voice, "And how many of you can truly say music has saved your life?" At that point, nearly every single hand shot up in the air as a chorus of cheers erupted. I glanced over to the side and saw Jaime and Tony had risen their hands as well and I closed my eyes for a second to stop the pain from entering my thoughts. "Good, because without these three guys up here with me, and without all of you, I can promise you I wouldn't be here either. So thank you." And with that, the final song, Hell Above, had started.
-
A/N
First chapter… It's meh. Hope you guys like it. Comment your opinions and depending on how it goes I'll see about keeping it going so… Yeah ^.^
Notes
Don't want this to be stolen, so Copyright 2013©-
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3/23/14