“Oh, my God,” I heard. I lazily opened my eyes, but something ringing painfully in my ears made me close them again. I pressed the heels of my palms into my ears, trying to make the noise stop, but it just didn’t. My head throbbed at the persistent noise.

I took a breath—feeling like the first breath in a while—and, as my body moved while my lungs inflated, I noticed that my head rested on an uneven surface. The ringing suddenly ceased, so I carefully opened my eyes, gasping again as I remembered to breathe. It was like I was choking up water after almost drowning. I noticed that I was lying in someone’s lap—their crossed legs under my head. I turned my head into the person with a sigh, and I felt soft hands brush the top of my head.

“I’m so sorry,” someone whispered, and almost immediately I was brought back into reality.

“Fuck,” I muttered, sitting up. I brought my knees back into my chest and buried my face into my hands. “What is wrong with me?”

“Vic?” I felt the same soft hand that had brushed my hair in a comforting way touch my arm gently, and I immediately felt more relaxed.

“What happened?” I asked lowly.

“You just went rigid, I don’t know. You—you scared me. I think you s-stopped breathing for a second,” she whispered. My eyes widened as I remembered, and I immediately quickly brought my hands to my own neck in a hasty panic.

“No, please, no,” she said softly, and my hands loosened when I felt her touch them.

“Bree…” I said.

“Yes?”

“I didn’t take my medication last night,” I suddenly remembered. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. This is the second time!”

“I didn’t hurt you, did I? What did I do? Are you okay? Oh, my god,” I shook my head, racking my brain to try and remember.

“No, you didn’t. You’re okay. You didn’t do anything,” she reassured, and I nodded. We had completely switched places: I accidentally laughed at the constant role reversal—merely minutes ago, she was the one I was reassuring. Months ago, I would have never guessed things would be this way. I could hardly wrap my head around how much has changed.

Bree didn’t question my short laugh, and I assumed she was thinking the same thing as me.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I did this to you…” she whispered lowly, playing with my hair. “I wasn’t thinking, Vic, I’m so sorry. This,” she referred to my episode, “woke me up. I’m so sorry. I would never,” she said.

“Sometimes we do things even if we say we won’t,” I said.

“I don’t want to leave you,” she said, hooking her arm through mine.

“I know you don’t. But sometimes there’s something inside of us that we can’t stop. Like, it wasn’t even you anymore,” I said, suddenly directly talking about her and what I had seen. It was like some entirely different entity took her over, making her consider something that she wouldn’t otherwise consider. And I was afraid that that entity was stronger than her. She’ll come with me. They always do.

“I won’t let that happen. I’m sorry,” she said.

I felt something break inside of me. A sudden spark of hopelessness infected my heart.

“Sometimes the demons just take over, and there’s nothing we can do,” I whispered hoarsely.

“You can’t think like that,” she said.

“How am I supposed to think after this, Bree?” I snapped.

“I… I don’t know…” she whispered.

“You have no right to tell me how to think after what you almost did,” I said seriously, refusing to let my voice crack even though all I wanted to do was break down and cry at the thought of her leaving me the way Logan left her.

“I didn’t want to,” she whispered, averting her eyes from mine.

A put a hand on her cheek and gently brought her face up, making eye contact. I shivered when I saw darkness in her normally bright, hazel eyes. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about, Bree,” I croaked. “Sometimes we do things we don’t want to on accident, and that’s what I’m afraid of.”

“V-Vic…” she frowned, and tears blinked out of her eyes. “It w-wasn’t me. I don’t want to l-leave you,” she said, her mouth twitching.

“I know,” I nodded. “I just…”

“You just what?” she asked.

“I just don’t—”

“Please don’t say that,” she interrupted, her voice frantic. “Please! I’m so sorry, Vic. I am so sorry you have no idea. I didn’t want any of this to happen. I’m making you worse, I know that’s what you’re thinking. I am making you worse,” she said with a grimace.

“You are not,” I said honestly. “The… the situation is… but that’s not your fault,” I said.

“My problems are hurting you,” she said sadly.

“No, Bree. I want to be able to help you like you helped me,” I said. I felt a warm tear fall down my face. Why couldn’t I be strong for her? She needed me, but here I was, wanting to run away. “I’m just not strong enough…” I whispered.

“No,” she said. “You can’t say that, Vic. I’m so sorry, damn it, I’m so sorry! I-I… please d-don’t…” she stammered. I knew what she was going to say: Please don’t leave me. Her face conflicted though.

I didn’t want to leave her. That would be selfish of me. It would be selfish of me to abandon her in her time of need, even though I was in pain, too. Even though I was sick.I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I ran away from this, just because I was afraid of how sick I could become…

“I-I’m sick, Bree,” I whispered.

“No,” she said quietly.

“I am,” I said. “I am still sick,” I said, forcing myself—and her—to face the reality of the situation.

She frowned slightly, but she didn’t disagree. It was true, after all. As much as we tried to dance around the truth, I was still sick. If I missed my medication, this would keep happening.

It would be selfish to leave her. I couldn’t—I wouldn’t—do that to her, not while she was like this. Not while there was a monster inside of her, trying to claw its way out. Trying to destroy her.

But the monster inside of her was killing me…

I couldn’t live with myself if I left her because it was too much to handle mentally, but if I stayed… would I die?

“God damn it, Logan,” Bree hissed. I looked at her in confusion.

“If you hadn’t have killed yourself, we wouldn’t be in this situation!” she screamed.

“Bree…” I said warily.

“Look at what you have done! God damn you, Logan! You ruined everything! You selfish bastard!” she screamed, her voice beginning to scratch.

“Bree,” I said calmly, reaching out for her. She shrugged me away.

“Fuck you, Logan! This is all your fault!” she screamed and cried.

“Bree…” I said. “It-It’s okay, come on,” I said gently. I pushed out the tiny voice in the back of my head that silently agreed with her cries.

“No! Fuck!” she spat.

“Bree, it’ll be okay, just stop,” I begged quietly.

“Things were going so well!” she screamed, ignoring me.

“Bree! Please!”

“Things were going so well! Now everything is shit!” she clenched her eyes shut.

“Bree, open your eyes. Look at me, baby, it’s okay,” I said softly.

“No! He ruined everything!” she screamed bloody murder—the same scream from thatnight.

“Bree,” I sighed heavily, blinking tears away. “Bree, please,” I begged again.

“I can’t,” she said, her voice retiring to a quiet whisper.

“Bree,” I repeated.

“You’re still sick,” she said, turning her attention to me.

“I’m on a good medicine, Bree,” I said.

“You just had an episode,” she said robotically.

“I know,” I whispered, shaking my head.

“It’s not your fault,” she said.

“I know.”

“It’s mine,” she said.

“No, it’s not—”

“Yes. We were supposed to go back to San Diego last night. And I didn’t think about your medication. I only thought about myself,” she said.

“Bree!” I yelled. Her eyes widened, and I finally caught her attention. “Just listen to me, damn it, okay?”

She nodded slowly.

“We can’t blame ourselves for our problems,” I began. “I am fucking sick, but it’s neither of our faults. You are in so much pain, and it tears me apart seeing you like this. But it’s not your fault,” I said. “We are in a shit situation, but we can’t blame ourselves. We also can’t… we can’t…”

“We can’t, what?”

I closed my eyes.

“We can’t take care of each other,” I whispered. “We… we need to take care of ourselves,” I said. “We need to take care of ourselves, first,” I nodded.

“What do you mean?” she asked, her voice hoarse from the screaming.

“We are too—”

“Are you saying that I’m too fucked up for you?” she spat angrily.

“No, Bree, I wasn’t saying that at all!” I defended myself. “I’m saying that—”

“It’s true! I’m not the same girl you met three months ago!” she said.

“You’re not,” I agreed.

“What?” she asked, astonished.

“You’re not,” I repeated. “You’re not the happy, bright Bree I had a silly crush on three months ago,” I said. “I don’t know who you are,” I whispered, leaning over and touching the side of her face. This time, she didn’t flinch at my contact. She just stared at me, listening.

“But I’m willing to find out,” I continued. “We are both different… death changes a person,” I said. “But it’s okay… it will be okay because we will figure it out,” I said.

“We w-will?”

I nodded. “I don’t know how… the only pain I feel is the pain you feel, baby. It hurts so bad to see you like this,” I grimaced, cupping her cheeks with both of my hands. “It hurts so, so bad. I love you, Bree, but seeing you like this is h-horrible,” I said.

“See? I am too fucked up for you, and my—”

“Sh, Bree. I’m not finished,” I hushed her kindly. “I don’t care,” I said. “I don’t care that you have problems. Damn it, I understand the pain you feel. It’s unbearable, I know it. But you are my life Bree. Do you understand that? You are my everything. You are my purpose in life. I would take all of your demons as my own just so you could be left alone if I could,” I said. “I love you so much. I can’t believe we are here, but we are here together. It hurts, but I’d rather feel this pain than nothing at all. Please understand that, okay? Your pain is not a burden to me. You are not my problem; you are my solution. The thought of you… leaving… in the way you… in the way you almost…” I shook my head. “The thought of that is my problem. It would kill me if you killed yourself,” I said.

“I didn’t want to,” she whispered.

“It would kill me if the demons inside of you led you to death,” I clarified, pulling her closer to me. “I want you to be better,” I whispered. “I want to help you, but I can’t. Not like this,” I said.

She buried her head into the crook of my neck and sighed. “So what do we do?”

“We get help, Bree,” I said, a knot forming in my throat. “You can’t go through the mourning of Logan alone,” I said.

“But I have you… right?” she asked, her tone panicking at the end.

“Of course, Bree. But… I know I didn’t know Logan as well as you did, obviously, but his death hurts me, too,” I whispered. “I hate that he’s not here, anymore,” I said. “We need someone who isn’t hurting to help us,” I said.

“I’m not going to a therapist,” she frowned stubbornly. “I am a therapist, for fucks sake,” she said.

“Bree, that’s not the same—”

“I can still be here for you, Vic. I know I’ve been really bad, but I can still help you,” she said. I sighed—she was missing the whole point. I wasn’t the one who needed help, anymore… how ironic.

“Bree,” I sighed. “You aren’t my therapist anymore! You can’t keep trying to fix me anymore; I am fixed. You’ve already fixed me,” I said in exasperation. “I am on medication, and as long as I don’t forget, I will be okay. I’m not broken anymore; I'm better! You have to fix yourself, Bree… You have to let me fix you! It’s your turn to be helped… You have to think about yourself, sometimes…” I said gently.

“The only way you can help me is if you help yourself,” I added.

“I’ve been so horrible,” she whispered. “Even though I’ve been awful, please don’t leave me,” she whispered. “I need you more than you will ever know,” she said.

“Bree, I won’t leave you,” I finally decided—after a raging mental battle, I knew that I couldn’t leave her. Not in this state, not ever. It would hurt, but I would do anything for her—and I couldn’t believe I had second-guessed our relationship even for a split second. What I said prior was so true: she was my life. Without her, there was no me.

“I’m here for you, always. You saved me in my darkest days, and, now, you have to let me save you,” I said, wrapping my arms protectively around her waist.

She nodded. “Can we go back to sleep?” she asked quietly.

“Yes, come on,” I said, tugging her up with me.

“Vic, are you okay?” she asked. “What did you see?” she squeezed my arm.

I walked up the stairs with her in silence. It wasn’t until we crawled back into bed together when I answered her.

“I’m not okay right now,” I admitted lowly. “They are so scary…” I whispered, feeling like a child at the confession.

“I know, I’m so sorry,” she whispered sadly.

“And what did I see?” I mused. “I saw… I saw a potential future…” I mumbled.

I held her closely as I spoke. “I won’t leave you, but you can’t leave me,” I said. “If you can help it…” I added.

I pushed the horrible images out of my head as she opened her mouth to speak. I can’t make any promises.

My face twisted, but I ignored the throbbing pain in my chest and head.

“I won’t leave you,” she said, closing her eyes. “I promise.”

Notes

Such a sad, confusing time for our characters :(