I didn’t know how much time passed; all I knew was that we had been sitting on the curb of her street for a while, now. I had called Tony to tell him that Bree was having a family emergency, and he and his mom luckily understood. The officers and other officials were gone, leaving us alone with silence. Bree didn’t want to go back into the house, yet, and I didn’t blame her. I didn’t really want to go back in there, either. I was now counting down the seconds to when she could move out of this house and into her new San Diego apartment.

So we just sat on the curb, numbly waiting. I wasn’t really sure what we were waiting for, though. We just were waiting. Maybe we were waiting for a little energy to move, or a little confidence to go back to the house.

The living room was completely sanitized, and everything practically had been dealt with. The police officers were as helpful as possible, but there weren’t many legal things she had to do besides claim his body for a funeral. He had no will, because he didn’t really have anything of significant, legal value. I guess that made things a little easier—the only thing she—no, we—had to deal with was the pain etched in our bones.

Now, we were just lost. We didn’t really know what to do next…

“Bree?” I asked softly.

“Hm?” her head that was on my shoulder tilted up to look at me.

“What do you want to do?” I asked, reaching across to toy a few strands of her hair in my fingertips.

“Sleep,” Bree murmured, placing her head back onto my shoulder. “Forever,” she added lowly. I squeezed her.

“Please don’t say that,” I said, my eyebrows knitting painfully, but I didn’t think she was listening.

“I-I guess we should go inside, now,” she said.

“Why don’t you get some sleep, and then we’ll try and make arrangements for, y’know, and I’ll call Tony. We can see if we can go back to San Diego for the night, maybe. If you don’t want to stay in your house…” I suggested.

“That… that sounds good,” she agreed. “But I don’t want to look inside. I can’t. I just need to close my eyes,” she said, looking at me again with pain in her eyes.

“Come here,” I opened my arms and picked her up. She laid her head on my shoulder, blocking her sight.

“When I close my eyes I see him just hanging there. And when I open my eyes I see him just hanging there. It’s all I see. I can’t get it out of my mind,” she whispered in a shaky breath.

I didn’t know how to respond to that, because I felt the same way. The image would forever be tainted in my mind, and I couldn’t imagine how much worse it was for Bree.

“M-Maybe my brother will know to take care of yours,” I said quietly as I walked into the house with her. I held my breath when we first walked inside, afraid that it would smell dead, even though it had been cleaned.

Bree looked up and smiled at me. “But when I look at you, I don’t see any of it,” she smiled weakly again. She brushed her hand over my cheek, her face staring at me almost in awe. I returned a soft smile and swayed as I walked up the steps with her in my arms.

“What time is it?” she asked.

I checked the clock on my phone. “It’s two in the afternoon,” I replied.

“Wow,” she breathed, and I nodded, setting her down on the bed.

“Go on to sleep, Bree,” I encouraged softly. “I should call this guy,” I held up the paper that the police officer had given me, which listed the contact of the mortuary and a funeral home, “and then I should call Tony,” I said.

“You don’t have to handle all of this for me,” she said quietly.

“I want to,” I cupped her cheek. “Let me take care of it,” I said.

She nodded slowly. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“Of course,” I said sweetly.

She laid down and curled up in her sheets, and I bent down to kiss her forehead. She closed her eyes, but her features weren’t peaceful. Her brows were furrowed and her mouth was in a grimace.

“Try and relax, love,” I murmured, despite knowing and understanding that relaxing in this kind of situation was a lost cause. I hated how we had to be in this house where it happened barely twelve hours ago, but Bree needed to sleep before we moved on with what we needed to do.

“Will you lay with me for a little while, before you make the calls?” she asked. I nodded.

She scooted over, giving me room to slide in. I snaked my arms around her torso and held her close against my own body. My arms wrapped around her securely, because I knew that she needed to know that someone was there, that she wasn’t alone. She needed to feel it.

She held on to me almost for dear life.

She mumbled something, but I didn’t catch what she said because my t-shirt muffled her words.

“What’s that?” I asked.

She pulled away slightly, looking me in the eyes. She peeled one of her arms away from me and touched my face lightly, like before.

“I love you,” she said, her tone serious, but also emotional. My heart skipped a beat, but I didn’t smile. Even though her saying that made me incredibly happy, now was not the time to be overflowing with excited emotions. I just couldn't bring myself to express that, and, apparently, neither did she.

This confession was emotional. It was real. I couldn’t be giddy about it, and honestly, I didn’t want to be. This wasn’t a surprise to me; I knew what we had was love.

Bree and I were two broken hearts that just so happened to fit together.

“I love you, too,” I responded, almost like it was an obvious fact, tilting my head into her hand. I squeezed her waist tighter, longing to be as close to her as possible.

We didn’t “seal it with a kiss”. We simply stared at each other longingly and lovingly, both of our eyes knitted in concentration and both of our mouths turned in a slight frown, as if we were trying to figure each other out by just looking at the other’s expression.

“Thank you for being here,” she said, reburying her face into the comfort of my chest.

“You don’t have to thank me, Bree. I will always be here for you,” I said.

She nodded slightly, squeezing me tightly again. I could tell that she had fallen asleep by the slowing of her breaths and the evening out of her heart rate. I, on the other hand, couldn’t fall asleep as quickly. My mind was running with everything we had to do. Bree needed to grieve, but she needed to grieve in peace. Logan’s body simply resting in a mortuary was not going to allow that, which meant that we needed to deal with the technicalities of his funeral as soon as possible. I didn’t want to rush her, though.

Bree sounded like she was in a deep sleep—her arms around me had loosened as her body finally relaxed. I decided that I couldn’t sleep, and that, even though I could lay awake with a sleeping Bree in my arms forever, I should make my calls, now. I figured that it would be better to talk on the phone when she couldn’t over hear, just for the sake of her unstable emotions.

I slipped out of bed, careful not to wake her. For the first time all day, she looked at peace. I smiled softly at her, my heart aching for her and Logan.

I went across the room and dialed Tony’s number. He answered on the second ring.

“Vic, what’s up? How are things?” he asked.

“Hey, Tony,” I said quietly. “Bree’s asleep, but I couldn’t leave her alone which is why I’m talking quietly,” I disclaimed at first.

“Okay,” he said.

“Tony, I don’t know what to do,” I admitted, letting out a breath of air that I didn’t even know I was holding.

“You need help,” Tony stated.

“Yes,” I nodded to myself. “I don’t know how to deal with this. When Mike died, I didn’t do a damn thing. And I don’t expect Bree to do anything, either, but she has nobody else to help her. I at least had my parents, who were more mature and just knew what to do. We are still young, but so alone. I can’t do this, Tony, I don’t know what to do,” I said, my voice cracking occasionally as I spoke. Everything felt like it was crashing down on me, and my eyes burned as they watered.

“Vic, we are all still young. Even Bree who’s a few years older is still young. Nobody expects us to do this alone. Sometimes we just need help, it’s okay,” Tony said, and I replied with a nod.

“Bree doesn’t have parents to help her. Or any other family. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to plan a funeral. Neither does she,” I whispered.

“I will help you guys, okay? And my mom, too, if you don’t mind me telling her what happened. She will help, and you don’t have to worry,” he said.

“I don’t want to burden her with—”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Vic. You’d be surprised how little we have to do, anyway. The funeral home does most of the work,” he said.

“How do you know that?” I asked curiously.

“Doesn’t matter,” he mumbled. “But why don’t you guys come to my house for tonight? Then we can plan the funeral, Bree can have her proper goodbyes, and then… I don’t know,” he suggested.

“O-Okay,” I said.

“I cant have my sister drive me up to you guys, so neither of you have to drive back,” he suggested.

“You’d do that?” I asked hopefully. Driving didn’t sound like a good idea… I tried to keep my mind distracted, but I knew the second I got on the high way I would see Logan’s dead body in front of me. That wouldn’t end well.

“Of course, Vic,” Tony said.

“You’re so helpful,” I sighed.

“Isn’t that our job? Helping each other out?” he noted.

“Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, man,” I said.

“No need to thank me. I’ll talk to Alyssa, but I’m sure it won’t be an issue. I’ll text you when I’m on my way, okay?”

“Okay,” I said.

“See you soon, buddy,” Tony said.

“Bye, Tone,” I said, hanging up. I smiled softly, feeling extremely grateful for Tony. He was a quiet one, but he was really stepping up in this situation, and it meant a lot that he cared for me like he was my brother, like Bree was his sister.

I looked up when I heard a soft voice call out. “Vic?”

“Right here, baby,” I said gently, approaching Bree. I touched her face gently, and she blinked slowly.

“Where did you go?” she asked.

“I was talking to Tony. He’s coming to get us, okay? And we’ll work everything else out later,” I explained.

“Oh, okay,” she nodded. She sat up and opened her arms. I accepted her hug, sitting down next to her on the mattress. She sighed, almost sounding like a sigh of relief.

“I just want to get all of this over with,” she mumbled into my shirt.

“I know,” I said kindly. “I do, too,” I added.

“When will Tony be here?” she asked.

“He just texted me; he’s on his way, now. Probably less than two hours,” I said, brushing back her hair as I spoke.

“Okay,” she nodded slowly. “Is this weird?”

“Is what weird?”

“Going back to Tony’s mom’s house,” she frowned.

I shook my head. “It's not, I promise. They will know what happened, though. But they want to help, okay?”

“They do?” I nodded. “That’s… very nice,” she said quietly.

“Is that okay?”

“Yes, it is,” she smiled weakly. “I don’t think me or you could deal with all of this shit ourselves,” she said, and I nodded, agreeing.

Bree yawned. Although I didn’t want her to use endless sleep as a way to cope, I knew that she could use some more rest. As long as she didn’t sleep constantly, it was healthy. I made a mental note to monitor how she dealt with everything as I told her to continue napping.

We laid back down together and got comfortable, and, this time, I stayed with her, closing my eyes as well, falling into a much needed sleep.

Luckily, I didn’t dream or experience any nightmares. This was either because of the fact that I was with Bree, or because it wasn’t the nighttime. I settled on the former.

“He’s here,” I whispered in her ear after nudging her a little.

“Okay,” she said, sitting up tiredly.

“Oh, one second,” she said, hopping up and grabbing a small back. I watched as she stuffed clothes and toiletries—the bare minimum—into the bag. I was glad she remembered to do that, because packing for the night didn’t even cross my mind.

“Ready,” she said. I grabbed her hand and brushed my thumb over the back of her hand while we walked down the steps. About halfway down, though, she stopped suddenly.

“Bree?”

Her eyes widened. “I can’t,” she said.

“Can’t?” I tilted my head to the side.

“I’m sorry,” she turned into me, hiding her face. I held the back of her head.

“Don’t apologize,” I murmured. “Come here,” I said, picking her up.

“I feel like such a child,” she said into my neck.

“You’re not, it’s okay, Bree. You’re just exhausted and sad,” I said. “It’s completely understandable,” I said.

She nodded.

“Hey, guys,” Tony said somberly when I walked outside.

“Hey,” I smiled weakly at Tony. I set Bree down, but she remained clung to my side.

“Hi, Tony,” she spoke softly.

“Hi, Bree,” Tony said. “I’m so sorry,” he regretted.

“Thanks,” she whispered, her voice tight.

“Thanks for coming to get us,” I said.

“Oh, I wasn’t coming for you. I came to pick up my car,” he joked, and I laughed half-heartedly, appreciating his attempt to be funny. Bree smiled a little, too.

“Thanks, Alyssa ,” I said to her, pulling her into a tight hug. “I know it’s a pain in the ass to drive back and forth, but we appreciate it,” I said.

“Of course,” she said, looking at me sadly for a moment. “I’m going to get going. Race ya home, Tone!” she giggled lightly, and, once again, I silently thanked the Perry siblings for their attempts to lighten the mood.

“You guys ready?” Tony asked. I nodded, and so did Bree. She glanced back at her house, a look of pain striking her features. I put an arm around her and squeezed a little, bringing her back to reality. She looked up at me and smiled thankfully.

“I don’t want to be rude, Tony, but do you mind if—”

“Of course. Get cozy,” he said, patting the metal of the back seat’s door as he walked around to the driver side of his car.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, opening the door. Bree ducked under my arm, climbing into the car. I followed her in and shut the door. I leaned against the right window, and she curled up against me, immediately closing her eyes. Tony and I exchanged a worried glance, but we didn’t say anything. I put my arm around Bree, drawing circles on her shoulder.

The entire ride was silent. Bree didn’t talk because she was asleep, I didn’t talk because she was asleep, and Tony didn’t talk because Bree and I didn’t talk. I didn’t even know what I would say if I could, though.

Bree sighed softly, shifting in her sleep. She clutched onto my shirt desperately, pulling herself as close to me as possible.

“My mom isn’t home,” Tony said. “But she knows. It’s okay,” he added.

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Hey, Vic?”

“Mhm?”

“Don’t forget to take your medication, okay? I know it's a little late, but I think you missed this morning,” Tony said.

“Shit,” I muttered, immediately feeling nauseous.

“I’m sure you’ll be okay. Just take it easy for the next few hours,” Tony said.

“Tony, Logan missed a dose, and now look where we are,” I hissed sharply. I closed my eyes in fear, afraid that I would have an episode, afraid that I would hurt Bree…

“Don’t tell Bree that you missed,” Tony said quietly.

“Seriously?” I tilted my head to the side, subconsciously shifting her in my arms. She remained completely unaware of our conversation, oblivious thanks to sleep.

“Yes, seriously,” Tony said.

“Yeah, you’re probably right, actually. I don’t want to worry her. She has enough on her plate right now,” I agreed.

“If you feel off, just tell me, okay?”

“Okay,” I said. I wanted to close my eyes, but, knowing that I had missed a dose, I was afraid. I didn’t want to hallucinate. I didn’t want to have nightmares. Bree needed me sane.

I decided to focus on Bree completely, trying my best not to worry. As long as I kept my mind distracted and got back on track, I would be okay…

“It’ll be alright,” I whispered to myself. Besides, I didn’t intentionally skip my medication. It wasn’t like I decided that I felt good and didn’t need it; I just didn’t think about taking it when Bree needed me.

The rest of the ride was silent. It went by fast—I must have fallen asleep.

“Bree,” I whispered, giving her a nudge. Her eyes peaked open immediately, and she yawned. “We’re here,” I said.

She bit her lip, her expression and overall demeanor anxious. “Is this really okay?” she asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

“Yes, it is. Don’t worry,” I reassured.

“I can see if I can move into my apartment early… oh, God, I have to call my professors… I won’t be able to go to graduation… what do—” her breaths started to come at a rapid pace as she rambled about everything she had to do. I lightly squeezed her.

“Sh, it’s okay. We’ll handle all of that. Don’t worry,” I said, kissing her forehead. “Don’t think about any of that right now, okay? You don’t have to do anything,” I said, smoothing out her hair.

She nodded, and she swallowed what looked like a tight knot in her throat. “Come here, love,” I whispered, getting out of the car and pulling her with me. She clung to my side desperately, as if she couldn’t bear to stand on her own. I didn’t blame her.

“Do you guys want something to eat?” Tony asked as we walked inside.

“Yeah, Bree, you haven’t had anything all day,” I reminded her. She shrugged her shoulders.

“Come on, you have to eat something,” I encouraged gently.

“So do you,” she whispered. I nodded, leading her into the kitchen. She sat stiffly in a chair at the table, her eyes vacant and her beautiful smile nonexistent. I put an instant macaroni and cheese into the microwave, figuring it was light enough for her. In three and a half minutes, I stirred it up and placed it in front of her.

“Careful, it’s hot,” I warned. She nodded, picking up the fork I had also set out for her. Her hand was shaking almost violently as she tried to pick up a single noodle. My heart continued to break as I watched her struggle. I turned to look at Tony, who was just staring at us sadly. I blinked, a few tears escaping my eyes.

“I have to, uh, see Alyssa,” Tony excused himself.

I turned back to Bree, who still was struggling to eat. I didn’t want to force her anything, but I knew she needed something.

“Do you need help?” I asked in a whisper, scooting closer to her.

“N-No, thank you,” she said. “I really can’t eat,” she shook her head. “I’m sorry. I feel sick,” she said, her bottom lip trembling.

“It’s okay, Bree,” I said softly, taking the fork out of her hand. I stood up quickly and put the macaroni and cheese on the counter, quickly covered it with tin foil, and returned to her side. My head rushed with my hasty movements, but I ignored it.

“I’m so tired,” she said, her eyes drooping.

“Okay,” I said, holding my arm out for her. She hooked her arms through it, rested her head on my shoulder, and walked up the stairs with me.

“I know sleeping it off is not a good way to handle what happened,” she said quietly. “I am just genuinely exhausted,” she said.

I felt better after she said that; I was glad that she recognized how quickly she could deteriorate if she constantly slept. It was only the first day, though. It was still so raw in our minds…

“I know, Bree. It’s okay,” I promised. We walked into my room, and I pulled back the covers for her. She crawled in and smiled.

“The pillow smells like you,” she said. “That sounded creepy,” she giggled softly. I smiled at her, caressing her face.

“I really do love you,” I said.

“I love you, too,” she said, placing her hand over mine. I knelt next to her like that for several minutes, just staring into her hazel eyes that resembled shattered glass.

I sighed and closed my eyes, a nervous feeling coursing through my veins. “I-I’ll come back later, okay? Will you be okay alone?” I asked. Although I trusted Bree to be by herself, I knew she needed company. I didn’t want to leave her alone while she felt utterly abandoned. I knew she would tell the truth if I asked.

“I’ll be okay,” she nodded. “I’m just going to close my eyes,” she said, doing so.

“I’ll be back in soon,” I said, kissing her lightly. She nodded, keeping her eyes closed. I felt like I could stare at her in awe forever, but my nerves sizzled again. I gasped slightly and raced out of the room, carefully closing the door behind me.

I pressed my back up against the hallway wall, putting a hand over my mouth to suppress a scream that I could already feel building in my chest.

“Vic! Vic! Are you okay?” I looked up—my eyes wild—at Alyssa, who was staring at me with worry.

“T-Take m-me away from h-here,” I begged, and she nodded, immediately understanding. She wrapped her arms around my shaking body and led me to her room. Nearly the second she closed the door behind her, I fell to the ground in anguish, not being able to breathe or think straight. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, but I knew that it hurt, and I tried not to scream.

Bree was only a few doors down, after all.

I cradled my hands into my chest and buried my face into the carpet of her floor, hot tears streaming down my face. I held my breath and bit my tongue to try and keep from making noise, but it was difficult. It felt like there was a monster inside of me, clawing at me from the inside out, trying to escape.

But I wouldn’t let it out—I couldn’t let it out. I saw Alyssa from the corner of my eye, and I cringed away. Something whispered in my ear that it wasn’t safe, that I was in danger, that I shouldn’t trust Alyssa, or Tony, or Bree, or anyone. I locked eyes with Alyssa in fear.

I gasped. The only problem was that I didn’t care if I wasn’t safe, if I was in danger. I didn’t care, I didn’t care. I clenched my eyes shut, chanting in my head that I didn’t care about myself.

Bree, Bree, Bree. It was all for her. She was my life. She was what I cared about. She was who I lived for. I thought about her pretty, happy smile, her soft, brown hair, her sparkling, hazel eyes, her delicate, blushed skin. Even in the midst of my panic, I tried to think of her: She was the one tying me down to reality.

I have never felt this before. I have never been so fully aware that I was having an episode, that something was happening in my head that I couldn’t stop. Was this even possible? Even as I saw wisps of black smoke, threatening to intoxicate my lungs, I found myself able to think back to Bree, my purpose, my life, my reality.

“Vic,” I heard Alyssa whisper-yell. My eyes darted back to her, but they were less fearful, just more panicked.

“Lis—Lissy,” I choked out.

“Right here,” she said. She leaned over to me and pulled on my shoulders. My body was complete mush as I collapsed in her arms, my head on her shoulder. My eyes burned with tears and my throat tightened.

“M-Make it s-stop,” I hissed as a black shadow crossed my vision. “It’s not real, it’s not real,” I mumbled into her shoulder.

“It’s not, it’s not,” she repeated, rocking me back and forth. I nodded and took calming breaths, trying to gain control.

“Take these,” she said. She gently pushed me back and held open her hand, where two pills sat. “You forgot to take them,” she said. I looked over her shoulder and saw Tony standing there, my pill bottle in his hand, his eyes alarmed.

“M-Make sure Bree didn’t hear,” I said to him, forcing myself to return to reality. How was I able to do that?

I took the pills and swallowed them dry, impatient and desperate to calm down.

“Just breathe,” Alyssa said. I nodded, slowly inhaling and slowly exhaling. “Look at me,” she instructed. I refocused my eyes to hers, realizing that I had been zoned out. “Good,” she said. I just nodded, my eyes still wide as I stared at her.

Eventually, all of the black and the red and the pain dissolved. I don’t know how, but all of it disappeared while I was conscious. The panic, the anxiousness, the mistrust, the paranoia… it all went away without me having to black out. I didn’t know if that made the experience more or less terrifying.

“You did good, Vic,” she said, patting my cheek. I nodded, pulling her in for a hug.

“How did you know what to do?” I asked.

She shrugged her shoulders. “I just did. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. You’re okay, now,” she said.

“Thank you, sis,” I murmured.

“She’s asleep, still,” Tony reappeared. I nodded thankfully.

“I’m sorry, guys,” I said, sinking back and twiddling my thumbs.

“Don’t you dare apologize, Vic,” Tony said sharply. “You did nothing wrong,” he said.

“You were losing control, but you didn’t let it happen. We both saw that. We are so damn proud of you. After all of this shit that has happened, you are so strong and selfless,” Alyssa said.

“It’s getting later,” Tony said. “Let’s go to sleep. Tomorrow’s a new day. We can deal with… everything else… tomorrow. You focused so much on Bree that you neglected yourself. So just sleep, you need it. I know Logan meant a lot to you, too, and I know this is a really tough time for you guys. So just sleep for the night, and we’ll see how you feel tomorrow. The meds will be fully in your system soon so you don’t have to be afraid to sleep, okay?” he finished. I smiled slightly.

“Tony, I’ve never heard you talk so much,” I said quietly, giving him a sly smile. Tony smiled lightly, shrugging his shoulders and then slightly hiding his face.

“I don’t know what I would do with you guys,” I shook my head, standing up. I hugged Alyssa and Tony together, sighing into their shoulders.

“We don’t know what we’d do without you,” they reciprocated. I smiled weakly again, and then I walked back to Bree.

She was curled up in a ball in the same position I left her in. Her face was placid, and her breathing was regular. I slid in next to her and snaked my arms tightly around her waist, planting a kiss on her exposed neck and closing my eyes. I didn't know if being so close to her after an episode was a good idea, but I felt safe and calm with my arms around her, as if I was literally holding on to my life, trying to keep it from slipping away.

I didn’t see anything when I closed my eyes; I didn’t even see darkness. I only saw her. And, even though we were literally living in the middle of a fiery, painful hell, I somehow knew that we would be okay, as long as we had each other. It was going to be very difficult, it was going to be sad, it was going to hurt, it was going to be confusing and it was going to be a rocky road, but I knew that we’d get through it together.

So I squeezed her gently, hoping and even praying that she would stay with me, and that I would stay with her.

Notes

Sometimes I never know what to put down here haha