“Really? That’s so good!” Bree exclaimed happily over the phone after I told her what Tony and I did.

“Yeah, we’re feeling pretty great,” I admitted.

“I’m so happy for you,” she said, and I could almost hear her smile.

“I don’t really know what to do with myself right now, honestly,” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I have nothing to do. I don’t know what I’m going to do about school. I feel like I have a lot to do but I have no idea what,” I said.

“Just take it one day at a time. You’re doing okay,” she reassured.

“I miss you already,” I said shyly.

“I miss you, too, Vic,” she said.

“How are things with the internship and school?” I asked.

“Pretty good, actually. Things are actually really, really good. Like, they apparently have several notes from other students about internal problems at the institution, so I wasn’t the only one. So I’m not in trouble or disadvantaged at all. And school is going well. I might even have a job offer, soon,” she said.

“That’s great, Bree,” I smiled. I liked to hear that her future was looking bright. She really had a good plan ahead of her, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous. I was still happy for her, though.

“And guess what?” she added.

“What?”

“The job offer may or may not be located in San Diego,” she said with a giggle.

“Aw, yes! Seriously?”

“Yeah! So, when I graduate, I might be moving to San Diego,” once again, I could hear her smiling.

“That’s awesome, Bree! I’m excited for you,” I said, grinning like an idiot.

“Me too,” she said softly. “I’m excited for us,” she added.

“Me too,” I smiled. I really wished that I could see her smile—I missed seeing it all day and everyday. I guess this was what it was like to live in the real world—as nice as it sounded, you couldn’t be with your significant other every second of the day. We each had our own lives, our own obligations. Life goes on.

“Shit, I have class in a few minutes. I gotta go,” she said—a perfect example of how we each had individual things we had to do instead of being together all of the time.

“Okay,” I said. “Bye, Bree,” I said.

“Bye, Vic!” she said, and then the line went dead. I smiled, happy with our conversation. Things were really beginning to look up for both of us, and I was beyond excited.

“Hey,” Tony poked his head into my room and smiled.

“Hey,” I nodded at him.

“Um, we should go downstairs. My sister will be here soon,” he said.

“Oh, okay, cool,” I said. I placed my phone onto my bed and walked out of my room.

“Her name’s Alyssa , and she’s seventeen,” he said. “She’s in her second to last year of high school,” he told me.

“Does she know I’m here?” I asked.

“Yeah, don’t worry. Everyone knows,” he said.

I nodded, and we walked down the steps together. My hands fidgeted nervously as I assumed the worst—that she would judge me for my mental illness. I knew I shouldn’t care, though, but the thought didn’t escape my mind.

“I’m home!” a higher-pitched voice called out into the house. Tony shot me a toothy grin and raised his eyebrows—he was obviously excited to see his sister. This calmed me down, too, because if they got along well then maybe we would get along well.

“How was the sleepover, dear?” I heard Mrs. Perry ask.

“Awesome,” Alyssa said, and I zoned out as she explained how much fun her weekend with her old friend was. Apparently her best friend had moved away last year, so they always spent weekends together.

“Come on,” Tony tugged on my sleeve, leading me to the kitchen where his sister and mother were. Tony’s face was bright and happy, and I couldn’t help but feel like I was intruding on their family time.

“Tony!” Alyssa squealed, and she ran up to Tony, squeezing him into an excited embrace.

“Alyssa , this is Vic,” Tony motioned to me, and I smiled at the girl.

“Hi, Vic!” she said happily, and I was caught off guard when she gently gave me a hug. “Thanks for helping my brother,” she whispered, and I smiled as all thoughts of being a charity case dissolved—I had forgotten that Tony needed my company just as much as I needed a place to live.

We spent most of the afternoon getting to know each other, and we ended up playing a game of Apples to Apples for fun. I wondered if this was what all normal families were like.

As I sat with them—talking, laughing—my stomach tied into a knot. It twisted for my own family, and I started to feel a little jealous. This was so nice, but it made me sad because it wasn’t truly mine. This was Tony’s family. I didn’t have a family. I didn’t even know that families acted like this.

I suddenly had this urge to visit Mike. I knew that I did a lot today and that I shouldn’t push my limits, but I just couldn’t carry on with the afternoon knowing that he was within a few minute walk. I knew that I had to visit him soon and tell him everything. He’d be so proud with how much I’ve changed and grown.

“What are you thinking about, Vic?” Tony asked, and I looked at him curiously. Tony was normally pretty quiet, so I guess that explained his knack for reading people’s facial expressions.

“Mike,” I admitted truthfully. Alyssa had gotten up to unpack and hang out in her room like a typical high school girl, and Mrs. Perry had wandered away somewhere, leaving just Tony and I in the living room.

“Oh,” Tony said lowly.

“It’s only three o’clock in the afternoon…” I said after checking the time on my phone.

“Do you want to visit him?”

I nodded. “I think I need to get it done. He’s right there, it’s hard to function knowing he’s so close, but I haven’t seen him yet, y’know?”

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Tony nodded. “Do you want me to go with you?”

I thought for a moment. “Would it be okay if I went alone?” asked unsurely.

“Of course,” Tony said warmly. “Just be careful, okay?”

“Is it okay with your mom?” I asked.

“Yeah, she doesn’t mind.”

“Okay, I’m going to go for a walk, then,” I sighed lightly.

“Okay,” he said. “Be careful,” he said, and I smiled weakly as a response.

I threw a sweatshirt on because there was a slight breeze, and I politely said goodbye to Mrs. Perry before I started to walk to the cemetery where Mike was resting. I plugged earphones into my head as I solemnly walked the ten-minute walk to the cemetery, letting the music fill my head and my thoughts dissolve as I walked. I tried not to think about what I was going to say, what I was going to do, or how I was going to react when I finally saw his grave for the first time since his funeral. I just focused on the music.

Before I knew it, I was entering the cemetery. A slight chill ran over me, and, even though we were in Southern California, it was cold. I was suddenly glad that I had put on a sweatshirt.

I gulped as I navigated through the cemetery to find my brother’s headstone. As I walked, I passed several other graves. Some had fresh flowers, which made me smile. I was glad to see that people visited their passed loved ones often. I did see graves with either rotted flowers or no flowers at all, and that made me sad thinking that nobody bothered to visit them, or that they were so long gone that they were completely forgotten. I also grew sad and guilty as I realized that Mike was probably one of those lonely, abandoned graves.

I intended to change that.

“Hey, bro,” I said softly when I finally reached his grave. The other stones around him were old and weathered, but his was new and crisp—his death was still pretty fresh.

My mouth twitched in a half-smile-half-frown as I sat down next to his stone. My eyes watered, and I couldn’t think of anything to say. I sat silently, staring at the granite, almost as if I was waiting for him to start talking, first.

I knew that was impossible, though. Mike was dead, and he was never coming back. I traced my fingers over his name that was etched into the stone so it felt real. Then I touched the date he was born and the date he died.

“Too young,” I murmured. I always imagined that I would die before my younger brother. I always thought that I would go out first, whether it be by nature or by my own hands. I never thought that it would be the other way around. I never thought that I would have to witness my own brother die, and it hated knowing that I was okay at some point with killing myself for him to see. I shook my head, pushing the thoughts away.

“Hi,” I greeted him again. “I just, um, I just wanted to say hi,” I mumbled, shaking my head. “I know you can hear me, so I’m just going to talk to you, I hope that’s okay,” I said, pausing again as if he could respond.

“I’m sure you know all of this already, now that I think about it. But I guess I’ll tell you, anyway,” I bit my lip, thinking about what I was going to tell him. He probably knew about the bad stuff, so I decided not to mention how I had gotten shot in the mental hospital.I sighed at how dramatic my life sounded.

“Things are going well, Mikey. I feel a lot better. I’m still sad for you, though, and I won’t ever forget what happened. But I think you’d want me to be happy… I think. I made a friend. His name is Tony, and I’m living with him, his mom, and his sister. Our parents are still shitty, Mike, but it’s okay. I try not to think about it; they don’t matter. I, uh, I have a girlfriend, now, too. I think you’d be proud of me. She’s gorgeous, and she’s the nicest human being on this planet. I wish you could meet her, but maybe I’ll bring her by here sometime soon, if that’s okay with you,” I rambled a little and paused again at the end, waiting for his input that I knew deep down wasn’t going to come.

“It really sucks, you not being here. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, and sometimes I feel guilty for feeling happy and moving on when you aren't here. I wish things were different,” I said lowly, a few tears escaping my eyes. “But, I’m really moving on. I won’t forget you, and I promise to visit you as much as I can, but I think I’m on my way to actually living life. I know we didn’t have the closest relationship until the end, but that was my fault. I should have known that you would be there for me if I just told you that I needed you, even though I was the older brother. I’m just glad we had our good times together while they lasted, and I miss it all so much,” I explained. "Remember when you told me that together, we'd form a band and somehow 'change lives'? Well, I still want to do that, and I'll do it in your memory," I said, nodding at my words. Then, I sighed, wiping my face with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. Then, I smiled. I felt so much better after letting all of that out. “I love you and miss you, man. I hope you’re having fun up there,” I said genuinely.

I smiled softly at his grave and sighed in satisfaction. I moved on from the heavy stuff, and I decided it would be healthier to not dwell on the fact that he was dead, and just catch him up with the good things in my life. I found that I was mostly talking about Bree.

I felt like he was here with me. Not in the psychotic, schizophrenic way, but in a peaceful way. I didn’t physically see or hear him, but I felt him. For once, I didn’t feel alone, even though I was physically alone. I knew he was there. I knew it. And this fact made my insides warm with calmness.

I rested back on my heels, remaining crouched in front of his grave. “Rest easy, buddy,” I murmured, giving his stone a pat, almost like I was patting his back. I groaned a little as I pushed myself up from the ground, my stitches in my stomach still a little sore.

I glanced at his grave one more time, imagining that he had been sitting there with me, silently listening as I talked to him about life. I smiled happily, feeling very resolved.

I walked out of the cemetery a lot happier than I thought I would have been. Even though I was still sad that Mike wasn’t here anymore, I felt more at peace for some reason. I didn’t even plug by earphones in, because thinking didn’t hurt as much.

I exited the cemetery and walked barely thirty seconds towards Tony’s house, until I heard my name being called.

“Vic? Vic Fuentes?” I turned my head when somebody called me, and I immediately frowned. I didn’t think that when I returned home I would see these people again—it had completely slipped my mind. And of course they show up now, when I was actually, genuinely happy. Life was funny like that, wasn’t it?

“Uh, hi,” I tried.

“Shit,” he laughed. “It really is you, isn’t it?” he looked surprised.

“Um, yeah, it’s me,” I said, but my voice rose at the end so it came out like a question.

“Aren’t you supposed to be dead?” Shane asked.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in college or something?” I retorted, rolling my eyes and turning back around.

“Hey, come back!” he said, and I flinched as the memory of his and other’s torment flashed back in my head. I shook the memories out; they didn’t matter anymore.

“Leave me alone, Shane,” I sighed, not turning around.

“No, dude, seriously. Everyone thought you were dead! Why are you here?”

“Why don’t you just pretend you didn’t see me and act like I am dead, like you’ve done our entire high school career?” I spat bitterly, turning around so I could squint my eyes at him.

He shrugged his shoulders, not denying the accusation. “I’m genuinely confused right now, though. How are you alive? You went missing and your parents announced that—”

“Well I’m not really fucking dead, am I?” I asked rhetorically, waving my arms a little to indicate that, yes, it was me, in the flesh and bones, alive more than I have ever been.

“That’s weird,” he furrowed his eyebrows.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” I said, turning back around.

“Wait!”

“What do you want?” I sighed in annoyance.

“Vic?” I turned to the new voice, seeing Keri with Shane. Of course! Literally, what were the odds?

“You’re alive?”

“Jesus Christ, yes, I’m alive! Not that you ever cared,” I glared at both of them, getting frustrated. Maybe coming back to San Diego to Tony was a terrible idea, after all. I forgot how many bad people and memories still remained here…

No. I couldn’t think like that. I just didn’t have to entertain these assholes—this was a terrible coincidence, but I would probably not run into them for a while. Things were going too well for them to fuck it all up like high school all over again.

“Where did you go?” she asked curiously.

“My life is none of your business,” I said angrily. “Now if you excuse me, I need to go,” I said sharply, turning back around in the direction of the cemetery with no intentions of talking to them again.

“Fuentes! C’mon! Let’s talk! Like old times. It’s been, what, five months? Six? Seven? I need my fix!” Shane menacingly asked as he circled around me, blocking my intended path. I gritted my teeth, but I stood my ground.

“Shane, leave it alone,” I heard Keri say. I rolled my eyes. It wasn’t that I blamed Keri directly for Mike’s death, but maybe if she stood up for me genuinely that day, I wouldn’t have tried to jump, and Mike wouldn’t be dead right now. I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with her fake kindness. No, not kindness—pity.

I turned around and walked the opposite direction, just to get away from him. “God damnit, Shane,” I muttered when I felt my hair being pulled. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Do you really want me to break your jaw again?” I threatened. “When will you grow up?”

Shane snickered. “Hey, do you still cut?” he asked bluntly. I clenched my fists angrily—what was his nerve?

Keri’s face softened, and that only made me angrier. “Please just leave me alone,” I said.

“No, come here,” Shane reached over to me, yanking on my sleeve. When he got closer, I could smell the pot on him—he was high. Great. Well, that explained his behavior.

“Stop that!” I ripped my arm away from him.

“No, come back,” he laughed. This time, he got a hold of my arm with a tighter grip, and he roughly pulled my sleeve up. “Nice job, Fuentes! Looking good!” he laughed. I tore my arm away and swung my other arm in to hit his face, but he was quick to retaliate. His fist collided with the center of my face, and I suddenly saw stars floating everywhere. I heard Keri yelling at Shane to stop, but what I heard more was Shane’s voice. Somehow, I ended up on the pavement, and Shane was further investigating the scars on my arm.

“Killer,” he murmured. “What does that mean, Fuentes?” he asked.

“Get off of me!” I yelled, trying to shake him off, but I was unsuccessful. I received a few more punches to my face, and I was unable to fight back as he had my arms pinned.

“Did you kill your brother, Fuentes? Damn,” he said. “That’s why you were away for a long time! It all makes sense!” he finally got off of me, staring at me happily after he figured out what he wanted to know. Even though he was wrong, he was definitely satisfied.

“Fuck you,” I spat the blood in my mouth at him.

“Nice seeing you again, Fuentes,” he snickered.

“Vic, are you okay?” Keri asked.

I shrugged her away from me. “Get the fuck away from me. All you people do is fuck up my life. What the fuck did I ever do to you? To him? To anyone? Leave me the fuck alone!” I yelled.

“I’m just trying to help you!” she protested.

“You’ve never been a help!” I said angrily. “Maybe if you had been a little more sincere, I wouldn’t have—never mind,” I muttered.

“What?”

“Nothing. Go away,” I stood up and brushed off my pants. I jerked away from her when she tried to reach out to me—the audacity!

“Don’t you get it? Do you understand how much this hurts?” I was referring to the emotional damage, not the physical pain. “It’s all unprovoked, too. Jesus, you are all ignorant pieces of shit!” I cursed, not caring that she was a girl and that I was speaking to her disrespectfully. I had no time for these people; all they did was relentlessly cause pain. What did I ever do to them?

“I know that Shane’s ruthless,” she sighed.

“Then why do you hang out with him?”

“I don’t know. He’s nice to me,” she shrugged her shoulders. “He’s just aggressive. It makes him feel better about himself,” she admitted. Yet she still put up with him?

“I see that,” I muttered.

“Sorry about him,” she said softly.

“Whatever,” I said, shaking my head.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Where I was and what happened to me and my family is none of your business. My life is nobody else’s business but mine and whoever I choose to share it with. And I choose to not share it with you, or Shane, or anyone from high school. I thought that maybe everyone would be more mature now, but I guess some things never change,” I growled.

“You’re an angry kid,” she frowned accusingly.

“No, shit, Keri. That’s what happened to a kid who is always beaten up for no damn reason. And I’m angry now, but I’m not an angry person. Now, I’m a person who won’t take any of this bull shit,” I spat.

Before she could say something, I spoke again. “Now if you excuse me, I’m going to carry on visiting my dead brother’s grave,” I snarled, articulating each syllable precisely so maybe she would feel guilty about disrupting my peace. I doubted that she would, though. I didn’t even bother checking to her reaction, though, as I turned away quickly and, although I stumbled a bit in pain, I made my way back to my brother.

I clenched my fists angrily. We were all out of high school, yet I still received torture from them? Mike had promised that it would get better after I graduated. This was bullshit.

I decided to return to Mike, even though I had already spent a good hour sitting with him. I couldn’t go back to the Perry’s yet—not like this. Even if I wanted to, it would have been near impossible. My vision was blurry with colorful tears, and my mind was fogged up. The taste of blood remained in my mouth, making me want to be sick. I slumped back down next to Mike, leaning my head against the stone. My adrenaline from verbally (not physically, obviously) standing up had completely worn off at this point.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, sighing in exasperation. “Today was such a good day, and then that asshole had to come along and ruin it,” I mumbled. Why were good times always dangled in my face, only to be ripped away and trampled on?

I took out my phone and opened a new message to Bree. I typed it, not really thinking about the implications of the message or that it would probably cause her to worry.

I don’t think I am meant to be in the real world. The second I step foot out into it, it literally punches me in the face.

Notes

Sorry for the long-ish wait!

Just so you guys know, I literally have most of chapters 24, 25, 26, 27, and 28 written (I had the biggest inspiration this week during my creative writing class, so I somehow wrote like so much) so the next two chapters and including this one are kind of fillers until I will update a lot more (since I have a lot written). So bear with me for chapters 22 and 23 and this chapter because they will be slow and icky and very fillery





And house part tour

let's just say I cried when I was able to pass my letter to PTV on stage

I can't even FATHOM it. Vic acknowledged my existence and now I feel like i'm on a cloud

Here's a lil' story:

So I wrote PTV a letter. It was like 5 pages long and was pretty personal idk. And I also attached some of my drawings I did of them in it and I stuffed it all in an envelope. So during their set I managed to take the envelope out of my drawstring, and I held it up a little to protect it while I devised a plan to get it to them. This tall guy behind me was like, "hey, do you need help?" And I was so delusional I was like "do you think they will get it?" And he was like "as long as you throw it" and it was very reassuring so I said "okay yes please," and he was like "hold on" so we waited for the right time (at this point we are in the center front, like 5 rows from the barricade. It was crowded and crazy). Then he and another guy lifted me up and I crowd surfed forward with my arm/letter outstretched, and VIC, LIKE, LITERALLY SEES ME. HE RECOGNIZES WHAT I WAS DOING AND DID THIS CUTE EYEBROW RAISE/EYEWIDENING SMILE THING AND LITERALLY POINTS AT ME AND BECKONS ME TO CONTINUE MY PATH! LIKE I CAN'T GET HIS FACIAL EXPRESSION OUT OF MY HEAD. IT'S STUCK FOREVER. AND EACH TIME I TELL THIS STORY IT CHANGES A LITTLE BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I REMEMBER IT ALL MORE SPECIFICALLY I WAS IN A BLUR WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND SO NOW I'LL CONTINUE: AS IM CROSSING THE BARRICADE I MANAGE TO TOSS THE LETTER ON STAGE AND HE SMILES AT ME AND LIKE I CAN'T REMEBER EXACTY WHAT HE DID BUT HE ACKNOWLEDGED ME AND KIND OF CHUCKLED MID SONG. AND AS IM STUMBLING BACK AROUND PEOPLE GAVE ME HIGH FIVES AND I HAD TO BACK UP AGAINST A WALL AND SOB INTO MY HANDS UNTIL A RANDOM GIRL OFFERED ME A HUG WHICH I GLADLY ACCEPTED AND NOW IM CRYING AGAIN AFTER TYPING THIS.

SEND HELP I AM NOT OKAY


I CANT EVEN COPE