I spent the rest of the day with a heavy feeling in my chest. My stomach felt hollow, and my eyes burned rabidly. I kept seeing Mike’s hurt face on repeat in my head, and I couldn’t make it go away.
I’ve been so hurt in the past, and now I was the one hurting him. But it had to happen, I was no good for him. I longed to have a last kiss with him, a last hug, but I knew I had to restrain myself, for I didn’t know if I could ever leave if I did.
Classes went by slowly, but in a blur. I presented my final project to Rob, and he applauded me. He said I captured the pain behind every artists work perfectly, representing how art was an escape for dark, secluded and painful feelings. He said my art screamed “therapy for the soul.”
He also recommended I sell it. I shook my head. I had to keep this, for it reminded me of Mike. The feelings portrayed in it were the happy ones I felt when I was around them, and the dark, obscure ones I was feeling now. It was too valuable, and I might go mad if I gave it away.
The rest of the day was uneventful, and when I returned home I dug into a halfway finished Ben & Jerry’s chocolate ice cream container. I watched Supernatural on Netflix for the rest of the day, trying to keep my mind from fracturing.
I kept seeing his eyes, his lips, his smile, his tattoo-covered body. He was all I could think of, and as Sam and Dean Winchester solved yet another paranormal enigma, I decided to crawl out of my hole and talk to Sophie.
The only problem was, Sophie wasn’t home. I found a note on the kitchen counter informing me that she went out. It didn’t say where or with who, but I was used to that. I had no doubt she’d probably be bringing another guy home tonight.
My phone buzzed, and I took it out. A text message. From Mike. My heart skipped a long, painful beat.
“I’m really going to miss you Sam.” Was all it said. Six words were all it took to bring me down to my knees again and cause me to shake with raggy, tortured sobs.
He had no idea. He really didn’t know why I was sending him away, and I couldn’t blame him. Only me and Sophie knew, and it had to stay that way.
I closed my eyes, and a bright, painful flashback played behind my eyelids.
“No, stop it! Leave me alone” I screamed. I kicked, I flailed, I cried, but nothing worked. He was still there, and he was blocking the exit.
“You’re not going anywhere bitch. You have to pay me back what I deserve!” a deep, angry voice made my ears melt, sending shivers down my body. A face, filled with rage and dementia, a face I had once thought I loved.
I want to die.
My eyes popped open, bringing me back to reality. No. The flashbacks had stopped, and now they’re coming back. I couldn’t let that happen.
I stood shakily, walking over to the bathroom in a silent, numb stride. I sat on the closed toilet opened the shower water. I fumbled in my drawers, looking desperately for that silver fragment, the one that would bring the release I craved, and the one who would make me forget my misery.
Finding it, I stepped into the flaming hot water stream, and sat on the floor. I stared down at my upper thighs, observing the three year old scars that remained forever more marked on my skin. I cried at the sight, and I smacked my head in the tile behind me.
Why did this happen to me? Why couldn’t my demons leave me alone? It’d been four years! I had to get over it, but I couldn’t. His face, his snarl, his voice where still present in my mind, bringing out old nightmares that made my heart and mind scream with desperation.
I brought down the razor to my skin, and stopped. Mike’s face flashed into my head, with is big smile and gorgeous laugh. His warm eyes and his soft lips. I ached to have him back, to have him here with me.
I sobbed, but put the razor down. I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let myself become that person again. It happened a long time ago, and it would never happen again. I was going to make sure of it.
I turned the water off, slipped into an old camisole, and tucked myself in bed. I dreamed a great amount of nightmares, but I knew I was going to get through it. My mind drifted off with thoughts of amazement at how much a person could impact your life, in such a short amount of time.


Morning came with a feeling of hollowness. I was much better than yesterday, and I kicked myself consciously for letting him get in my head again. He was long gone, and I hadn’t seen his face in a long, long time. I would maybe never see it again. I hoped.
My aching for Mike was still present in every nerve of my body. How could I feel this way about someone that I had barely known for two weeks? Was this possible? It sure as hell felt real to me.
It was Tuesday, so it was my day off. I stepped out into the living area and stopped in my tracks.
There, sitting beside Sophie and eating freshly made pancakes was Tony Perry. He looked up when I came in and flashed me a smile.
“Hey Sam.” He said. He took another big bite of his food and drank from a glass of milk.
“Morning Sam,” Sophie said, getting up. “Do you want some pancakes? There are still some left on the counter over there.” She motioned with her hand at a plate containing a small pile of fluffy, warm pancakes.
My stomach growled. “Mornin’” I said, and head to the plate, picking up some food for myself and sitting down on the table to join them.
The scene was so unusual. Sophie never let guys stay for breakfast when she brought them home. And here was her latest hook-up, holding her hand and eating the food she made for him. Oh, but it was no ordinary guy. It was Tony Perry.
Sophie looked genuinely happy though, and she wore an old oversized sweatshirt that I was pretty sure belonged to Tony. She never did that.
I kept eating my breakfast in silence, listening to the occasional chit-chat that Tony and Sophie shared.
“So, you’re leaving tomorrow?” sophie stuck out her bottom lip, turning on her puppy-eyes mode.
“Yeah, we’re going to our European tour.” We’re as in the rest of Pierce The Veil, including Mike.
Sophie sighed. “For how long?” she asked.
“Around three weeks.” Tony responded, kissing her on the cheek to please her.
“Three weeks?!” The words came out of my mouth before my brain even registered it. I shut my mouth closed, flushed a deep red.
Tony looked at me curiously. “Yeah, three weeks. It’s a long time, but I’ll be back soon I promise.” He said this turning his attention back to Sophie.
“What if you forget about me?” Sophie sounded so winy and clingy, but Tony seemed to enjoy it.
“How could I forget about you after last night?” He flashed a mischievous smile at her and she blushed noticeably.
I shot up out of my seat. Not in the mood to hear about their grand sexual encounter from last night. I brought up my empty plate to the dishwasher and sat down on the living room couch.
I heard Sophie and Tony whisper at the table, and I groaned. They were probably talking about me. Or at least, Tony was probably asking Sophie what was up with me. God help her if she told him.
Eventually, Tony started gathering his things and kissed Sophie goodbye.
“I’ll call you okay? Don’t worry.” He reassured her.
“You better.” She smiled and kissed him once again.
Tony came up to me and crouched down, coming to eye level with me. “Sam, I don’t know what happened, but you have to know Mike really is sorry.” His mouth twisted into a frown. “I’ve never seen him like this.”
If only Tony knew. “Tony, it’s not Mike’s fault. It’s mine. I’m the problem here.” I looked up at his eyes. “He’s way better off without me.”
He seemed pretty unconvinced, but he eventually nodded. “I’ll see you around Sam.” He kissed Sophie one last time and left.
The room was silent for a long, long time. I don’t know how many minutes passed, but I could feel the tension in the air. It was just a matter of time before Sophie cracked and started asking questions.
But she didn’t do that. Instead, she said, “I saw Mike last night.”
My head shot up. I looked at her, sitting on the floor beside the couch. “Where?”
“We went out to a bar. That’s where I was last night.” She looked down. “Vic said to invite you, but I doubted you’d like to go.”
She was right, I wouldn’t have gone. “Okay.” I said, unsure of where this talk was going.
Sophie sighed audibly, and continued. “I talked to him about what happened yesterday at Starbucks, and he’s really torn up about it.” She looked me dead in the eye, and I knew the next words she said were going to be serious. “I think you should give him a chance Sam. You can’t keep hiding out because of what Kevin did to you. That was four years ago!” she took my hand in hers. “You’re my best friend, and you have no idea how much it hurts me to see you this way. I remember how happy you were a couple of days ago with Mike! I want that happy Sam back.” She gave me a small smile.
My eyes filled with tears at the mention of Kevin’s name. Neither of us had named him since the incident. “Sophie, it’s not that easy.” My voice came out cracked.
“I know it’s not sweetie, but you have to let someone in eventually.” She wiped a tear from my cheek. “I didn’t tell Mike anything, I swear. But he’s not stupid, and he knows there’s something more to it than you’re letting on.”
My bottom lip quavered. “I’m a mess Sophie. If he really knew, he’d leave me and eventually hurt me even more.” Oh God, my throat hurt so bad.
“You don’t know that! I can see Mike is a great guy.” She dropped her hand from my face. “And he’s not giving up easily. He plans on talking to you once he gets back from the tour.”
Oh no. He had to forget about me. But the thought of seeing him again, even if in three weeks time, brightened my heart to the core. I had to see him.
“I don’t know Sophie. I have to think about it.”
Sophie stood up and kissed my hair. “You do that. I really do think you should give you and Mike another shot.”
She left me then, shutting her bedroom door behind her.
My body felt numb, and a thought crossed my mind suddenly. I could kid myself all I wanted, but I knew deep down, that if Mike called seeking to see me, I would say yes. Without a doubt.
I felt happy for once, knowing that he cared, that I’d see him again. But oh, the fear was still present, like a cold sharp knife in my gut, refusing to go away.

Notes

It's a bit tragic I know......but I hope you like it!! Things are gonna get better next chapter I promise!!

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