The next morning Tegan woke at around 10am, Vivian didn’t bother to wake her for school. She realised that last night Tegan was feeling really low and she wanted to make sure she was okay.

Tegan showered and got into a fresh set of pyjamas before heading downstairs. When she got to the bottom step she saw that Vivian was in the kitchen cooking up some sort of breakfast food.

“Morning mama” Tegan greeted.

“Morning sweetie.I heard you get up so I’m making you a spanish omelette.” Vivian replied.

“Thank you, you’re not mad that I didn’t get up for school?” Tegan asked as she sat at the kitchen table.

“No, you seemed pretty upset last night so I thought a day off couldn’t hurt. How are you feeling this morning?” She asked and handed Tegan her omelette.

“Thanks, erm I guess I just miss Vic, a lot” Tegan replied. It wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t the entire reason for her being sad.

“Yeah me too hunny” Vivian sat down beside Tegan, coffee in hand. She gave her a warm smile “How about me and you spend the day together, we can go to that bakery you like. What do you say?” Vivian suggested.

“That sounds great, I’ll get ready after breakfast” Tegan decided.

“Okay sweetie” Vivian kissed Tegan on the side of her head and walked away to get herself ready.

While Tegan was eating her breakfast she decided to send Vic a text message

I love you xx

That’s all the words she could find, that wouldn’t be a lie or forced. Moments later she received a reply

I love you too, forever xx

This gave Tegan hope and a new smile on her face.

After her breakfast, Tegan went and got dressed; she wore a pair of high-waisted denim shorts and one of Vic’s old t-shirts along with some old Chuck Taylor’s. She met Vivian in the kitchen once more before they headed out. They were going to a bakery down by the beach and then they were going to just hang out for the day, probably do some grocery shopping and head to the salon to get their hair and nails done; Vivian and Tegan used to this at least once a month but they haven’t hung out in a while so today should be a good fun.

Tegan and Vivian decided to walk to the bakery since it was a nice day out and their day wouldn’t be over as quick like it would be if they drove. While they were on their way Vivian tried to comfort Tegan as best she could.

“You know, Vic will be home soon. You won’t have to miss him for too much longer” She said.

“I know, I feel a bit selfish for missing him though, like by doing so he feels guilty and second guesses this whole touring thing and I don’t want that” Tegan sighed.

“Hey, hey, you know Vic doesn’t resent you because you get upset when he leaves. If anything it makes him love you more. Don’t be afraid to miss him but you also shouldn’t let that overtake you. You need to carry on and not worry about everything that hasn’t even happened yet” Vivian said.

“Yeah I guess. Everything just sucks though, like I’m beginning to think about taking the internship with Delphi and then we’ll be even further away from each other for even longer and this is hard enough as it is.” Tegan looked upset.

“I can only imagine how you feel but the both of you are still young. You’re madly in love and if this is as strong as I think it is then the pair of you will be fine. The distance will only strengthen the quality of the time you do spend together. Even if you do go to New York you and Vic will be together. If you guys happen to break up because of the distance, I know for a fact you will still be best friends until the end. Neither of you are going to just let the last 12 years be for nothing” Vivian was a good comforter.

“Okay, you’re probably right. Maybe we should change the subject.” Tegan suggested.

“Well we’re here now, so why don’t we talk about what donuts you want?” Vivian replied.

“The usual, of course” Tegan said with a smile.

“Good choice”

Vivian placed their order while Tegan grabbed a seat at one of the outside tables. She sat there, checking her phone every once in a while, checking to see if Amelia had replied yet. She hadn’t. Vivian watched her from the counter inside the store and sighed. She could sense that there was more going on in Tegan’s mind, more than her just missing Vic.
Vivian sat at the table opposite Tegan and passed her donut and coffee over. Vivian really wanted to know what was playing on Tegan’s mind but thought that if she pushed she wouldn’t get as far as she would if she let Tegan come to her, on her own.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Vivian asked to reassure herself.

“Yeah” Tegan mumbled.

“Tegan, sweetie, I just want you to know that whatever is going on, I’m here. I know I said it last night too but it’s because I mean it. You don’t have to tell me unless you want to but if it’s something serious, I want to help” Vivian said with a bit of worry in her words.

“I know you are. Thank you” Tegan offered a small smile but said no more than that.

They spent the day talking, reminisicng about the times when Vic and Tegan were little and would run around the house, wreaking havoc. They did the grocery shopping and went to the salon to get their hair and nails done like they had planned.

Tegan had been fairly quiet all day but acted, as best she could, like nothing was wrong. Her mind was a mess. She kept thinking about her conversation/argument with Vic. She feels like he’s going to break up with her but doesn’t know if that’s what he meant. She was thinking about how her friend double crossed her and didn’t keep her secret. She was thinking about how all she wanted was to do a line a have a drink but at the same time she didn’t want to do that because she was scared of losing Vic.

--

Tegan was reading a book for school when her phone started to ring, she hoped it was Vic but when she looked at the name flashing across the screen, anger rose in her body. Tegan answered the phone but didn’t say anything, she wanted her to feel bad for what she had done, even if she was only trying to help.

“Hello, Tegan? Are you there?” Amelia said into the phone, Tegan sighed.

“Look fine, I know you’re there just let me explain why I said it. I overheard you talking to Ryan and I realised then that this wasn’t a first time thing for you like it was me. I was worried about you, I AM worried about you Tegan. I’m not proud of myself for doing coke at the party, yeah it was fun or whatever but it was a one time thing. That’s clearly not the same for you and that scares me. People die from drugs Teeg, I can’t lose my best friend. I didn’t know if Vic knew or not but I felt like he should, because let’s face it, you’d listen to him more than you would me. I just want you to be okay, you shouldn’t be reliant on drugs.” Amelia didn’t say anything else and neither did Tegan.

“Tegan, please say something” Amelia begged.

Tegan sighed and wiped away the few tears that were staining her cheeks.

“Thanks for looking out for me” Tegan said and hung up the phone. She didn’t want to cry down the phone to Amelia, she wanted to be alone. She decided that what Vic didn’t know won’t hurt him, right?

Tegan walked over to her little lock-box that holds her stash and pulled it out. She didn’t open the bag straight away though, she stared into her box. There were a few pictures from years ago and a postcard or two.

Tegan saw an envelope under the pictures and postcards. It was an envelope she hadn’t seen in a while, a very long while. Usually when Tegan comes into the box it’s an in and out visit but this time she stayed for some time. Tegan was having difficulty bringing herself to open the envelope, she really wanted to though.

After about five minutes of staring at it, Tegan finally opened the envelope, pulling out the pages from inside it. As she did so a little, shiny piece of metal fell onto her lap. Tegan jumped back a little, it scared her.

She thought she had got rid of them all, she thought that she threw them all away. It’s crazy how she devotes her life to self destruction, this was her main method many moons ago, but this small object scares her. It used to be her best friend.

Tegan picked up the small blade, she hasn’t held one like this since the time she flushed Mike’s. She played with it, staring at it. No emotion on her face and a sudden silence in her head.

Tegan looked at her wrist then back at the blade, she bit down on her lip; a little harder than she realised because she suddenly tasted blood on her tongue. She wiped her lip with her free hand, still looking at the blade.

“I can’t” She whispered.

Tegan placed it back in the envelope and began to read the letter that lived inside of it. Tears began falling as she read the hateful words scribbled on the lined paper from an old notebook. It was a letter Tegan had written to herself when she was 14. It mentioned how much she hated herself, the way she looked, her life, her family, her school. It had quotes from the voices that used to congregate in her head.

Now more than ever was she tempted to put the blade against her wrist, but she didn’t. Tegan put the letter away and locked the box. She left the blade in there too, so she wouldn’t be tempted. Instead she went for her, now, usual form of self destruction.

Tegan made a few neat lines and took them. She didn’t get the sense of satisfaction like she usually does, she wanted something more, something new. As much as she hated herself for doing this to Vic she needed it. When he gets home, she thought, when he gets home she’ll get help. Again though, she felt so bad because not only was she dependant on narcotics but she’s dependant on him. That’s very dangerous.

Tegan had texted Ryan and was going over to see him.

“Tegan where are you going?” Victor asked as she skipped down the stairs.

“Just going over to Amelia’s, she’s going to give me the work that I missed at school today” Tegan lied.

“Okay honey, make sure you’re not home too late” Victor replied and kissed her forehead.

“I won’t Papa” She smiled and waltzed out of the door.

Tegan didn’t want to drive so took her skateboard and went over to Ryan’s. She took the shortcuts and arrived in no more than fifteen minutes.

“Hey there” Ryan greeted as he opened the door.

“Hey there yourself” Tegan replied and walked in.

Ryan had a few friends over, in the backyard, but Tegan wasn’t in the mood for a big group of people.

“You can’t be out already can you?” Ryan asked.

“Oh no, I’m not. I just wanted to hang out. I’m feeling really shit and wanted to have a drink and chill out” Tegan informed.

“Well in that case, two beers coming right up” Ryan went over to the fridge and pulled out two beers, opened them and returned to Tegan in the living room.

“Cheers” Tegan said and held up her bottle to be tapped against by Ryan’s, he did so and they both began to drink.

“So, what’s got you all upset?” Ryan questioned.

“Everything” Tegan responded.

For the next three hours, the pair of the drank, did a few lines and just hung out, talking about serious shit and the most random things you could think of. Like what savoury food would you make an ice cream flavour.

Despite Tegan wanting to be around as few people as possible, Ryan’s friends were pretty good company. They joined in in the random topics conversation but around 8 all left.
Tegan stayed at Ryan’s until 9:30 when she decided she should probably get home, since she has school the next day. Tegan and Ryan were stood at the door, saying their goodbyes. They shared a friendly hug but as Tegan went to leave Ryan moved in for a kiss. Tegan managed to move her head to the side so he got her cheek but she was slightly mad.

“Holy shit, Tegan, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that” Ryan rushed.

“No you shouldn’t have. Maybe we should stick to being dealer and customer. A friendship clearly isn’t going to work” Tegan said, she thought that Ryan wouldn’t do anything because he knows about Vic, how wrong was she.

“Tegan, I still want to be your friend. I’m sorry that was just… it was a mistake.” Ryan pleaded, he really did like hanging out with Tegan as friends and there’s no denying her fancies her but he knows nothing will happen. She loves Vic and isn’t going to jeopardise her relationship more than she is already doing.

“I have to go” Tegan said and skated down the street, heading for home.

Notes

I know this isn't the best, I hope you like it though.
Please let me know what you think <3