I Guess I Never Should Have Loved You

Tony didn’t mean to start to cry. He never intended to let the tears fall from his eyes. He never wanted to break down in front of a basic stranger. But his eyes couldn't handle to hold the tears in any longer, and the lump in his throat continued to build up until he couldn’t choke it back any more. He let out a few sobs, not understanding how he was crying in the first place. He thought that he had run out of tears the past few weeks—he thought that he had already cried himself numb.

Vic didn’t know how to react at first. He felt terrible for Tony, and his curiosity was raging worse than ever as he wondered what made Tony like this.

“It’s okay,” Vic said, patting Tony’s back as he continued to cry into his hands. “Just let it all out,” Vic said, hoping that Tony knew that Vic was being genuine—because it really was okay.

“I’m s-sorry,” Tony stuttered, shaking his head in embarrassment. He couldn’t believe he was crying in front of someone he hardly knew.

“Don’t apologize, Tony,” Vic said empathetically. “You’re allowed to break down,” Vic said, feeling as if he knew this fact better than anyone else.

Tony nodded, finally calming himself down. If only she knew how bad she hurt me when she left, Tony thought bitterly. He didn’t want to blame Tris, but this was her fault. She had led him on. He had fallen for her, but she left him falling, crashing into the cold cement road, his love and feelings splattering onto the pavement.

Vic tilted his head to the side at Tony’s words. He suspected that Tony didn’t mean to say that out loud, so he didn’t say anything. He didn’t want Tony to feel any worse than he already did. But, all of this over a girl? Vic thought. He didn’t judge Tony over this because he knew how bad heartbreak hurt, but Vic also couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that a breakup was behind all of this misery. It must have been really bad, Vic assumed.

“Why don’t you try to get her back, man?” Vic said, immediately slapping his hands over his mouth after accidentally letting the words slip. Tony jerked his head up, his eyes wide. He hadn’t realized that he had spoken out loud.

“I, uh, don’t know,” Tony mumbled, shaking his head and looking down again. He could feel fresh tears threatening to build up, but he refused to let them fall.

“I’m sorry, dude, I didn’t mean—” Vic apologized, but Tony interrupted him.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” Tony reassured, and he meant it, too. Vic had nothing to be sorry for. But, still, Vic felt bad—this was clearly a touchy subject for Tony.

Tony took a deep breath; a big part of him wanted to tell Vic everything that happened. Maybe then Vic could help him either find Tris or get over it. Either way, the urge to spill his story to Vic grew stronger and stronger as each silent second passed.

“It’s just not that easy,” Tony said, knitting his eyebrows as he spoke. Vic tilted his head to the side in confusion.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he regretted.

“Getting her back. It’s not that easy to get her back,” Tony clarified. Vic stared at Tony again, worry spreading through his veins. He couldn’t figure out why it would be too terribly hard, and he couldn’t figure out if Tony was going to tell him. Oh, God, Vic thought, an idea forcing its way into his brain. Vic didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but by the amount of alcohol lingering in Tony’s system, Vic couldn’t help but speculate that Tony’s girl left him because of his drinking problem. Oh, no! What if he was abusive? What if he didn’t treat her right?

“Why?” Vic asked in a small voice, afraid of Tony’s answer.

Tony was quiet for a moment, and Vic was afraid that his speculations were correct. Tony looked up at Vic for a moment, and something shattered inside of him when he saw the look in Vic’s eyes. They looked like they were protecting something, but the longer Tony stared at Vic’s eyes the more he could see in them. He found light traces of worry, fear, and… what was that? Disgust?

“It’s not what you think, Vic,” Tony said seriously. “I can’t get her back because I don’t know where she is,” Tony’s voice broke as he spoke. For some reason, he really hoped that Vic wasn’t thinking that Tony was a bad person; Tony had been a perfect companion to Tris. He had loved her with everything, he had never touched her (without her permission, of course) and he had always treated her with love, respect, and genuineness. Tony was determined to make Vic believe this—he was afraid that he was going to lose his new acquaintance before they even became friends, and, honestly, Tony didn’t think he would be able to handle that kind of rejection.

“Oh,” Vic said in another small voice, ashamed for thinking poorly of Tony before he even heard his story. He was just defensive of girls; that was all. “Why don’t you know where she is?” Vic asked curiously.

“She left me. Randomly. She left me, and she said she’s never coming back. She said that she cared for me, but she didn’t love me. Even though I loved her more than my own life. Even though I gave her everything. She still didn’t love me,” Tony rambled, breaking down again. This time, Vic felt angered by this mystery girl. Why would she lead Tony on just to ditch him in the end?

“I’m so sorry, Tone,” Vic said, wrapping him in a comforting hug.

At this, Tony cried even harder. Tris used to call him Tone. Well, a lot of people did, but something about the way Tris said it made him shiver in happiness. But, now, the nickname made him shiver in pain. He also cried at the comfort he was receiving from Vic—Tony didn’t realize how much he needed a friend until he actually got one.

Tony pulled away, his cries dying down to sniffles. He wiped his face with the back of his sleeves, feeling silly for being a grown man crying on the shoulder on another grown man.

“We all breakdown, Tony,” Vic reminded Tony as if he could read his mind. “It’s just as long as we have someone to pick us back up,” Vic said, implying that he would help Tony stand up on his own two feet again.

Notes