maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
you're torturing me with a beautiful face
A week passed and he didn't told me a thing about anything serious. I could smell that he knew, but I wasn't sure, I'm not sure about anything. I was afraid of what he was thinking about it, I was afraid of how he'd react when he find out about me, because soon or later he'd find out about everything, I was afraid he'd leave me because I'm a fucking freak. I felt like an idiot for crying that day at Jaime's, if that day I wouldn't break down like that, all this would never happened. I know he'll find out soon or later, but I want to postpone that date as much as possible, so we could have more time together, because, like, obviously he'll leave me when he find out about everything. Also, I was kinda afraid of the fact that he didn't tried anything sexual with me yet, he's known as the Pierce The Veil guy who fuck all the chicks he can, and he had me there and didn't do a thing, maybe he was cheating on me. But it was better, because the thing I was afraid of all that was that he'll be disgusted about my scars all over my body, and obviously, the fatness of all of it. Who'd like a girl with scars?
I was my lunch break, Mike told me that he might go to the shop to spend a little time with me, due he had a lot of work with the band and we didn't hang out a lot. I was hopefully waiting for him when my phone buzzed. It was a text message that said ''Janice cutted and she's in the hospital, everybody's there''. My lungs got closed and I started to cry hysterically, trying to breath between violent sobs and the nervous attack I was having. What? What happened? What did she do this time? Why did she do that? What was so bad about her life that triggered her? Suddenly, all my old thoughts came back. It's been a while I didn't see my high-school friends, since I moved to the other side of town when I finished school, especially to avoid this, Janice trying to seek attention and getting it. That message was unnecessary. I didn't wanted to know. Like, if it were me insted of her nobody would give a single flying fuck. Since I'm with Mike my cutting frequency decreased (I didn't fully stopped, but it was a beggining) and now I'm going back again. Eight years and dozens of suicide attempts and nobody gave a shit about me, and now she was just in the hospital and everybody lost their minds. Because, well, I am a worthless piece of shit. Because everybody loves her, and they all hate me, I'm a selfish attention seeker bitch, why would they like me? Because she's pretty and skinny and innocent and cool and good and I'm no more that a bitch. I want all the attention for myself. I leaned my back against a wall and let myself slowly slide, until I was sitting on the floor, my arms wrapping my knees and my head buried in the gap that my body and my legs formed, crying harder than I never did. I should kill myself. I mean, look at yourself, Gina, you're a wreck and nobody cares, and when Mike find out about you he's gonna feel so disgusted and embarrassed, you should save that part. You just want attention, you induce your eating disorder, you cut yourself, you're not sick or anything like that, you're just a stupid attention seeker, nobody cares about you, so, what difference does it makes if you're dead or alive? Mike deserves a lot more that you, a mentally stable hot chick, you're just wasting his time, nobody wants you here.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door open, and Mike asking for me. He reached to the back part of the shop, where we spend our free time, and saw my state. I raiced my head, so I could see him, his reaction, even though I didn't wanted to know how he'd react. He was just there, staring at me, with a sad but angry look in his eyes. He approached me, without saying a word, took a sit next to me and hugged me tightly. I felt happy and safe, but angry about myself for showing me like that to him. After a good 10 minutes or so like that I calmed down, so he whispered to my ear, without stop holding me ''what happened, doll?''. I gave him a weak smile ''ah, nothing''. My answer was mechanical, I didn't think about anything, my voice came out by itself, I didn't even know how I said that, but I did, and I felt like an idiot because it was obvious that something happened and I didn't even knew what I pretended with that answer.
''Oh, don't fuck with me, Gina, that happened?'' he said, loudly, and it was more than obvious that he was starting getting angry. ''Fine, Janice she cutted and she's in the hospital, I just got a text from one of my high-school friends telling me that''. He gave me a confused look. ''You know, Janice, the girl who went to high-school with me, the one that I told you about that day, the perfect girl...'' He made a noise that made me think that he remembered her, he looked dissapointed, but he grabbed my hand ''I see, come on, let's talk somewhere else''. He got up and helped me to do the same. I did what he wanted but when I was up I noticed the clock on the wall, my break ended in 5 minutes. ''Let's go'' he said, but I didn't move. ''Mike, I have 5 minutes left, we have no time''. He looked at me, not liking what I've just said ''oh, come on, you can't work like this, we need to talk, they're not gonna say anything to you''. I nodded. He guided me to the door and walked to a little park around the corner. We sitted on a bench and he asked what was on my mind. I started crying again, but this time, he didn't even touched me. I buried my face in my hands, embarrassed. I cried even harder. He placed a hand on my back and started drawing circles ''calm down, doll''. I started talking quickly, about how everybody loved her and I'm a worthless piece of shit, without caring what he could think about it. I finished my story with a very low ''I hate myself''. I collapsed, resting my head on Mike's lap, and he started rubbing his fingers on my hair.
''Listen, you're much more beautiful than her-'' I cutted him violently ''oh, how do you know?''
''No, listen, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And it doesn't matter that I don't know her, because all the things she did, she did them for attention, and-'' I cutted him off again ''and what about me? I just wanted to be loved and they told me she was sick and I was just trying to seek attention''. You could hear Mike breaking down, his eyes were glassy, but he always remained calmed and tried not to cry, different than me, I was crying my eyes out.
''No, doll, you didn't. You didn't showed your arm to anyone, didn't you? You didn't walked through the hallways telling how broken you were, didn't you? You didn't said anyone to love you, didn't you?'' I shook my head. ''You're strong. You're stronger than her, and that's what makes you better than her, and I respect you a lot for that''. I gave him a weak smile, but I still didn't believe what he was saying. I'm not stronger, I'm just an stupid attention bitch hated by everyone, and she's a lot better because she's sick and everybody loves her because of it. I tried to avoid the subject by saying ''oh, God, look at the time, they're gonna kill me''. He just held me tight ''They're not gonna say a thing, relax'', but I wanted to leave, I was already 15 minutes late, and I hate being this late. I was stressed, but I couldn't come back in that state, I was still crying a little, my whole face was red and my eyes were sunken.
''I have to go too, but stay a little more and calm down. You're strong and you're not an attention seeker. And if you are, I don't care, I love you and I'm gonna help you through this. You gotta trust me. I love you, Gina, I love you.'' I smiled. He gently grabbed my chin and leaded my face close to his, to press a little sweet kiss on my lips. With a quick more I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into the tightest hug I could give.
He told me that he wanted to see me the next day so we can properly talk about everything. I nodded and we went back to the shop, where he kissed me goodbye. I entered the shop waiting for people screaming at me, but I just found Lisa, my co-worker, not pissed or anything, she seemed to understand, so when she saw me she just asked if I was okay, and after I said yes she grabbed her purse and left. I was surprised but okay with it.
The rest of the day at the shop ended normally, without many customers and me trying to control my thoughts, so I could avoid other nervous and crying attacks. But when I came home, I put my piyamas on and reached to my beloved wood box with my razors inside. I grabbed a new one, I sat on the bed and just pressed hard on my left arm. My skin separated slowly as the metal touched it. I loved that feeling. I traced ten more deep cuts in my skin, thinking about everthing I thought that afternoon. I spotted my pijama pants with blood, as well as the floor. I headed to the bathroom and I pulled out from small white cabinet things to bandage my arm, rutine that I knew very well, and I knew it had good results. It was around six but I didn't care, I was extremely tired and dried of crying so much, so I just slipped into bed and falled asleep, hoping to get rid of my thoughts.
I was my lunch break, Mike told me that he might go to the shop to spend a little time with me, due he had a lot of work with the band and we didn't hang out a lot. I was hopefully waiting for him when my phone buzzed. It was a text message that said ''Janice cutted and she's in the hospital, everybody's there''. My lungs got closed and I started to cry hysterically, trying to breath between violent sobs and the nervous attack I was having. What? What happened? What did she do this time? Why did she do that? What was so bad about her life that triggered her? Suddenly, all my old thoughts came back. It's been a while I didn't see my high-school friends, since I moved to the other side of town when I finished school, especially to avoid this, Janice trying to seek attention and getting it. That message was unnecessary. I didn't wanted to know. Like, if it were me insted of her nobody would give a single flying fuck. Since I'm with Mike my cutting frequency decreased (I didn't fully stopped, but it was a beggining) and now I'm going back again. Eight years and dozens of suicide attempts and nobody gave a shit about me, and now she was just in the hospital and everybody lost their minds. Because, well, I am a worthless piece of shit. Because everybody loves her, and they all hate me, I'm a selfish attention seeker bitch, why would they like me? Because she's pretty and skinny and innocent and cool and good and I'm no more that a bitch. I want all the attention for myself. I leaned my back against a wall and let myself slowly slide, until I was sitting on the floor, my arms wrapping my knees and my head buried in the gap that my body and my legs formed, crying harder than I never did. I should kill myself. I mean, look at yourself, Gina, you're a wreck and nobody cares, and when Mike find out about you he's gonna feel so disgusted and embarrassed, you should save that part. You just want attention, you induce your eating disorder, you cut yourself, you're not sick or anything like that, you're just a stupid attention seeker, nobody cares about you, so, what difference does it makes if you're dead or alive? Mike deserves a lot more that you, a mentally stable hot chick, you're just wasting his time, nobody wants you here.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door open, and Mike asking for me. He reached to the back part of the shop, where we spend our free time, and saw my state. I raiced my head, so I could see him, his reaction, even though I didn't wanted to know how he'd react. He was just there, staring at me, with a sad but angry look in his eyes. He approached me, without saying a word, took a sit next to me and hugged me tightly. I felt happy and safe, but angry about myself for showing me like that to him. After a good 10 minutes or so like that I calmed down, so he whispered to my ear, without stop holding me ''what happened, doll?''. I gave him a weak smile ''ah, nothing''. My answer was mechanical, I didn't think about anything, my voice came out by itself, I didn't even know how I said that, but I did, and I felt like an idiot because it was obvious that something happened and I didn't even knew what I pretended with that answer.
''Oh, don't fuck with me, Gina, that happened?'' he said, loudly, and it was more than obvious that he was starting getting angry. ''Fine, Janice she cutted and she's in the hospital, I just got a text from one of my high-school friends telling me that''. He gave me a confused look. ''You know, Janice, the girl who went to high-school with me, the one that I told you about that day, the perfect girl...'' He made a noise that made me think that he remembered her, he looked dissapointed, but he grabbed my hand ''I see, come on, let's talk somewhere else''. He got up and helped me to do the same. I did what he wanted but when I was up I noticed the clock on the wall, my break ended in 5 minutes. ''Let's go'' he said, but I didn't move. ''Mike, I have 5 minutes left, we have no time''. He looked at me, not liking what I've just said ''oh, come on, you can't work like this, we need to talk, they're not gonna say anything to you''. I nodded. He guided me to the door and walked to a little park around the corner. We sitted on a bench and he asked what was on my mind. I started crying again, but this time, he didn't even touched me. I buried my face in my hands, embarrassed. I cried even harder. He placed a hand on my back and started drawing circles ''calm down, doll''. I started talking quickly, about how everybody loved her and I'm a worthless piece of shit, without caring what he could think about it. I finished my story with a very low ''I hate myself''. I collapsed, resting my head on Mike's lap, and he started rubbing his fingers on my hair.
''Listen, you're much more beautiful than her-'' I cutted him violently ''oh, how do you know?''
''No, listen, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. And it doesn't matter that I don't know her, because all the things she did, she did them for attention, and-'' I cutted him off again ''and what about me? I just wanted to be loved and they told me she was sick and I was just trying to seek attention''. You could hear Mike breaking down, his eyes were glassy, but he always remained calmed and tried not to cry, different than me, I was crying my eyes out.
''No, doll, you didn't. You didn't showed your arm to anyone, didn't you? You didn't walked through the hallways telling how broken you were, didn't you? You didn't said anyone to love you, didn't you?'' I shook my head. ''You're strong. You're stronger than her, and that's what makes you better than her, and I respect you a lot for that''. I gave him a weak smile, but I still didn't believe what he was saying. I'm not stronger, I'm just an stupid attention bitch hated by everyone, and she's a lot better because she's sick and everybody loves her because of it. I tried to avoid the subject by saying ''oh, God, look at the time, they're gonna kill me''. He just held me tight ''They're not gonna say a thing, relax'', but I wanted to leave, I was already 15 minutes late, and I hate being this late. I was stressed, but I couldn't come back in that state, I was still crying a little, my whole face was red and my eyes were sunken.
''I have to go too, but stay a little more and calm down. You're strong and you're not an attention seeker. And if you are, I don't care, I love you and I'm gonna help you through this. You gotta trust me. I love you, Gina, I love you.'' I smiled. He gently grabbed my chin and leaded my face close to his, to press a little sweet kiss on my lips. With a quick more I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him into the tightest hug I could give.
He told me that he wanted to see me the next day so we can properly talk about everything. I nodded and we went back to the shop, where he kissed me goodbye. I entered the shop waiting for people screaming at me, but I just found Lisa, my co-worker, not pissed or anything, she seemed to understand, so when she saw me she just asked if I was okay, and after I said yes she grabbed her purse and left. I was surprised but okay with it.
The rest of the day at the shop ended normally, without many customers and me trying to control my thoughts, so I could avoid other nervous and crying attacks. But when I came home, I put my piyamas on and reached to my beloved wood box with my razors inside. I grabbed a new one, I sat on the bed and just pressed hard on my left arm. My skin separated slowly as the metal touched it. I loved that feeling. I traced ten more deep cuts in my skin, thinking about everthing I thought that afternoon. I spotted my pijama pants with blood, as well as the floor. I headed to the bathroom and I pulled out from small white cabinet things to bandage my arm, rutine that I knew very well, and I knew it had good results. It was around six but I didn't care, I was extremely tired and dried of crying so much, so I just slipped into bed and falled asleep, hoping to get rid of my thoughts.
Notes
Alright, so, I'm still without internet, this is a shit, sorry :c I'll try to update as soon as possible. Fuck the internet company.well, thank you very much for reading, and don't be a ghost reader and comment (I don't know why, but I love the term ''ghost reader''), thank you, I love you, guys <3
8/13/13