I didn't want to open my eyes. Today was going to be the third worst day of my life. The first worst day was when Spencer died, the second worst day was the first anniversary of her death, and the third worst day was today: the second anniversary of her death. Two painful, miserable years gone by. The stone in my chest that replaced my heart felt especially heavy.


The memory of Spencer's death flashed into my head almost immediately, literally causing me to stumble backwards. This was the worst part. The anniversary of her death made me remember it with excruciating detail.


The guys wanted to make this a happy day; they wanted to remeber her and celebrate her life.


But I knew today wouldn't be happy. Today was going to be the worst day of my life, and it was also going to be my last.


I didn't want to remember her. I wanted to be with her. I couldn't "celebrate her life" when she was dead. It just wouldn't be fair. How could I celebrate in a world where she couldn't join the fun?


Today was the perfect day to do it. I knew the guys were going to give me all of the space I needed. They weren't going to bother me until later. Except, there was not going to be a "later" for me.


The last week has been miserable. I wished we didn't have a two week break in the tour; I would much rather be onstage because it distracts my mind.


I curled up in my bunk with a notepad and pen. I usually used this notebook to write lyrics, but today I was writing something else.


Dear Mike, I wrote. This was going to be the hardest one to write. I shook my head. Nothing was going to change my mind.


I love you. You are the best little brother ever. Hell, you are so fucking strong, it seems like you are the bigger brother. I'm so sorry to do this to you. I know it isn't fair. I know I'm being selfish. I just can't do it anymore. I really hope you understand. I think you will. You know how weak I am. I've never felt so weak in my entire life. Please just let me go and I promise you will be okay. Don't you dare follow me out. Don't you fucking dare. I'm sorry. Don't you ever think that I don't love you. I love you so much. The only problem is that I hate myself and life so much more, and I can't bear to live anymore. I love you. God damn it. By the way, don't you dare blame yourself for Spence's death. It was not your fault whatsoever. If anything, it was mine. PLEASE understand that I don't blame you at all. NOBODY blames you. Spencer doesn't blame you. And, Mike, THIS isn't your fault, either. It is my own fault that I am so weak. Tell mom and dad that I love them, and that this is not their fault either, there was nothing anyone could do, and I'm sorry I never visited them.
I love you.
Your brother, Vic.


I didn't intend to sound so angry in the letter, but I wanted him to understand. I sighed, choking back the sobs that were forming in my throat.


Dear Tony,
I'm sorry that I haven't appreciated you more. You really are the best friend that anyone could ask for. You are so selfless and caring, and I love you so much for that. I wish I was a better friend to you. I'm really sorry that I'm doing this, but I have to. Everything hurts too much. I'm tired of living, I'm tired of living but not feeling alive. I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend that I'm all right when I am not. I'm sorry. Please take care of Mikey, because I know you're the best one to do it and I trust and count on you. I love you, and I'm sorry things can't be different.
Love, Vic.


I took a shaky breath and continued.


Dear Jaime,
Himes, you are the best person to walk this planet. I am so unbelievably proud of you for picking yourself back up. You are so strong and amazing and I admire you so much. I wish that I could follow your lead, but I'm not as strong as you. I love you no matter what. I'm going to miss your jokes and laughs. Please continue to be happy, Himey. I love seeing you happy.
Love, Vic.

Three down, one to go.

To the fans of Pierce the Veil,
Words cannot describe how much I love you all. Every single one of you guys holds a special place in my heart. In fact, you guys are the reason why my heart is almost whole. Without you guys, this would have happened a lot sooner.
I know I always tell you guys to stay strong, that things will get better eventually, and I mean those words genuinely. I mean them all for you.
Unfortunately, I am not strong, myself. I can no longer set an example, and I'm sorry for that. I hope you don't see me as a hypocrite, but maybe that's what I am. I have never felt so weak, and, sadly, the things that healed me before are not enough anymore. It hurts me to say that, and I hope this doesn't hurt you too much. You are all amazing people, and I will be forever grateful for you all. Every word I have ever sang was for all of you.
i am so fucking sorry for this, but I just don't see myself getting better. You guys healed the pain, but the pain has now reached a point where it can't be resolved.
I love you all so much, and I'm sorry for being so selfish. Please don't take me as an example anymore.
Your friend, Vic Fuentes.


I wiped the tears that were pouring down my face. It hurt so much knowing that I was essentially betraying everyone, but I knew I had to do this anyway. Nothing could change my mind. I only hoped I didn't hurt them too much. I didn't want them to think that my years of advice were all lies, because they weren't! They just didn't work for me.


I toyed the heavy gun in my hands before placing the cold barrel to my temple. I intended to go out the same way as Spencer. With style.

Im sorry for breaking my promise, sweetheart, but I'll see you soon.

And, with that, I took a deep breath.


I clenched my eyes shut; why was I afraid? Because you might not see Spencer soon at all. She's in Heaven, but you can't go to Heaven if you kill yourself.


I shrugged the thought out of my mind. God was forgiving, right?


My finger lightly traced the trigger.


I unintentionally flinched as I pulled my finger back, hearing the loud bang before everything simply disappeared.


Am I the trigger to your gun? Your pretty eyes don't give me much choice...




I want to be done.

Notes

oops




sorry it's short! I'll make it up to you don't worry

i have to be away all day tomorrow so I will update tomorrow night xx