Everything New Distracts The Old

I felt warm when I woke up. Warm and relaxed. Happy.

“Hey,” Charlie murmured sleepily, rolling closer to me. Her head snuggled into my chest and she breathed in.

“Hi,” I replied, tightening my arms around her as a response.

“Hi,” she whispered. I chuckled and ran my fingers through her hair.

I pulled away so I could look her in her eyes and gently stroked her cheek. “Hi,” I grinned. She smiled shyly and turned her head into my hand. I leaned forward and kissed her softly. “Charlie,” I sighed.

“Vic.”

“I…” I started quietly. I bit my lip and closed my eyes, leaning forward and resting my forehead on hers. I sighed again. I wanted to say it, I wanted to say it so badly, but I couldn’t get the words out. I knew that I loved her, but why couldn’t I say it?

“Hm?”

I sighed yet again. The words were at the tip of my tongue but I just couldn’t get them out—not yet, at least. And I couldn’t get them out not because I didn’t genuinely believe that the words were true, though. The feeling in my chest every time I was near her, every time I felt her so close to me, was indescribable. My chest physically hurt when I wasn’t with her but also when I was with her, but not in a bad way—it was because I cared about her more than myself. I loved her to death, but I didn’t know how to tell her. I was… afraid.

“I… I’m afraid,” I whispered hoarsely. Charlie pulled away and I opened my eyes, seeing her eyebrows furrowed.

“Of what, Vic?” she frowned a little.

“Losing you,” I murmured.

“I’m not going anywhere, Vic,” she said with a gentle smile. “Unless you want me to,” she added.

“I won’t want you to go anywhere unless you want to,” I countered easily.

“Then I think we are okay,” she smiled again with reassurance in her tone. I nodded and sighed in relief, squeezing my arms around her. I love you, I though, wishing it was easy to say to her considering how true it was, simultaneously wishing I wasn’t so damn afraid of that fact.

“We are okay,” I repeated in a low whisper, closing my eyes and kissing her. “I adore you, you know that, right?” I grinned, tickling her sides. She giggled softly and smiled back.

“As I adore you, Fuentes.”

I chuckled and went to kiss her again, pausing when I hear my phone beep. “Eh,” I shrugged my shoulders, going in to kiss her anyway. “Can we just stay here all day?” I asked hopefully.

“I wish,” she said. “You have band responsibilities, mister,” she reminded me. I groaned and nodded, rolling over to my phone.

“That’s probably my brother, then,” I said, snatching it from the side table and rolling back to Charlie when I went to look at it. “He’s probably lost somewhere,” I chuckled, remembering how he had started to hook up with Zoe and we left them both behind.

I glanced at my phone and frowned, though—it was a number I didn’t recognize. “What is it?” she asked.

“I don’t recognize the number,” I said. I slid open the message and unlocked my phone. My eyes widened and I rolled out of bed. Wildly, I put clothes on my bottom half and scooped up Charlie’s from the floor and tossed them at her. “Get dressed. We have to fucking go,” I rushed, my hands shaking anxiously.

“What? What is it?” she asked frantically as she threw her clothes on, all the while staring at me with wide and wondering eyes. When we both were fully dressed I picked her apartment keys off of the floor and handed them to her. I scooped my car keys up and grabbed her hand, yanking her out of her apartment and almost sprinting down the stairs and out to my car. “Vic!” she yelled when we got to my car. I unlocked it and hastily climbed in side. When she was settled in the passenger seat—barely—I started the car and reversed immediately, tossing my phone into her lap.

“Read it,” I managed to choke out, my words choppy as the heart beat in my throat inhibited some syllables to pass.

“Hi, Vic, it’s Chloe. I just wanted to say thank you for an amazing day yesterday. You’re so kind and generous and amazing to your fans, and I admire you for that. I also took your advice… I slept on it. I really thought it would work, too. I’m so sorry, but I just felt the need to tell this to you, because you’re the only person who has ever cared ever, even back when you had no idea who I was. So thank you for that. I’m sorry that I can’t take your advice, though. I thought about it a lot and… I’m sorry. Goodbye.”

I clenched my eyes shut as even Charlie’s voice shook as she read the message. I floored the gas pedal, nearing Chloe’s house and my heart thumping agonizingly in my chest, my entire body shaking from the tremors.

“Oh, God,” she whispered. I blinked and nodded.

“Text her,” I ordered. “It doesn’t matter what, just pretend to be me. Respond to her, fast, maybe it will stall her,” I said, knowing that Charlie would understand—and she did. She nodded urgently and started to type away. She sent a few short messages first, probably to gain Chloe’s attention—I knew this because I heard the sound of typing and then the swooshing of the message being sent. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” I cursed. Finally, I arrived at Chloe’s house, hoping that the sound of my car engine wouldn't startle her into acting faster. “Stay here,” I told Charlie, and she nodded.

I collapsed out of the car. Scurrying up, I sprinted into the house. The door was open, as if she was just waiting for someone to walk in, waiting for someone to save her even though she felt like no one would. I knew the feeling. “Chloe!” I yelled into the house. I didn’t know where her room was, but I followed the sound of loud music up the stairs and down the hall.

I barged through the door, not knowing what I’d find but expecting the worse.

She was in the middle of her room, and I gasped—she was under the ceiling fan yet her feet were still firmly planted on the chair she was standing on. The belt was tied around her neck and I gulped, inching forward while I cursed to god for letting a wonderful and beautiful girl like her for wanting to do something like this, for feeling like this was necessary and unavoidable.

“Chloe,” I whispered. Her eyes shot up to mine and she mouthed the word “no”. She also mouthed the words “I’m sorry”.

But was she really sorry? Was she really fucking sorry? Did she really fucking care? She couldn’t be sorry if she was going to do it anyway. If she was going to kick away the damn chair, she couldn’t be sorry.

Or was she just sorry that I had to see it? Sorry that we were in this situation even though she wanted it to be this way.

“I’m sorry,” she had mouthed. She had mouthed it to me, and all I saw were her lips moving apologetically. I tried to avoid her eyes because I knew what I’d find—I’d find that she wasn’t really sorry. I’d find relief.

She found relief in the gun pointing at her forehead. She was sorry I had to watch, but not sorry that she lunged forward to her own death.

If Spencer were truly sorry she wouldn’t have done it.

“There’s another way!” I screamed as loud as possible. Chloe stared at me tiredly closed her eyes, shaking her head as if doing so would eliminate my presence here, so she could do what she wanted without a guilty conscious.

I couldn’t just stand there, this time. As Chloe went to kick away the chair, I darted forward. I collided with her body just as the chair was swept away, and I used all of my strength to lift her up just enough to relive the tension of the belt around her neck. I felt physically sick, as I was the only thing keeping her neck from snapping.

“Please,” I cried, looking up at Chloe. She stared down at me sadly and shook her head. She knew I wouldn’t be able to hold her up much longer—how was I supposed to keep the belt from tightening around her neck and get her down at the same time? I only had so much strength. “Please!”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, but I looked at her eyes and saw that they meant it this time. She lifted her right arm and eased off the belt from around her neck. The moment she did so I collapsed to the floor with her in my arms. She wasn’t even crying.

“I’m sorry,” she croaked.

“It’s okay, Chloe. I’m here, I promise,” I whispered.

“I hate promises,” she murmured. I nodded in agreement but didn’t say anything.

After a few minutes of catching our breath, she scuffled away from me and crawled to the far edge of her room. She tucked her knees into her chest and her eyes were trained on the ceiling fan that wobbled from the recent forces that were imposed on it.

“Chloe,” I said quietly. Her eyes flicked from the ceiling fan to me and then to the ground beside her. “It’s okay, Chloe…” I said, beginning to walk over to her.

“No. Please don’t,” she shook her head. “Don’t say it’s okay. Stay away from me, please.” Her voice sounded different—last night she had been so bubbly and sweet, today she sounded like a robot. Even when she was upset a little last night, I had talked to her and she seemed fine since then. Where did I fuck up?

“Chloe,” my voice strained.

She shook her head. She wouldn’t even look at me. “I know how it feels, Chloe,” I said slowly. “I know how… ashamed you must feel right now. This time is always the worst… right after… but I don’t want you to feel that way, okay? Please don’t feel that way,” I said gently, inching closer to her. Chloe looked up and her bottom lip quivered.

“I’m sorry,” she sobbed, her shoulders shaking. “I didn’t mean for that to happen!”

“Sh, it’s okay,” I cooed. I sat against the wall next to her, careful not to touch her because I didn’t want to scare her off again.

“It’s not,” she whimpered. “I didn’t want you to see that… I didn’t want you to have to do that. You at least deserved a goodbye because you’ve been great to me but I didn’t want you to come!” she said. Then, her voice escalated. She turned to me, angry. “Why did you come?” she screamed. “You weren’t supposed to! Why did you do that?” she shouted through tears. “It was going to be a perfect ending!”

I swallowed the pit in my throat. I knew how she felt here, too—she was angry. Angry she had failed, angry that people cared when she didn’t want them to care anymore. I remember feeling the exact same way after waking up in the hospital after shooting myself in the head.

So I let Chloe hit my arm and cry, because I knew how she felt and I knew she needed to get it out. Once her energy had wavered and her cries became whimpers, I turned to her and opened my arms for her. She was hesitant at first, a new wave of embarrassment creeping into her cheeks, but I didn’t let her feel that way. I leaned forward and pulled her into a strong and comforting hug. I was determined to keep those shameful thoughts from creeping up into her head.

“You’re too young to want an ending already,” I said gently while I hugged her. My heart was still racing. She sniffled but didn’t say anything.

“I’m sor—”

“Don’t apologize,” I hushed her. “Don’t say sorry, you don’t owe anyone an apology.”

“I fucked up.”

“We all do,” I said. “But now you have another chance,” I squeezed her gently. “Just like I did. And now you’ll see that things will get better, like I said. I promise you Chloe, they will. And I hate promises, too, but I promise you.” She nodded and sniffed.

“Th-thank you.”

I shook my head. “Chloe,” I began nervously. She looked up at me, her face shy and slightly fearful. “Where are your parents?” I asked.

“Business trip,” she answered. I nodded. She hadn’t talked about her parents at all yesterday—I didn’t know if that was a bad thing or not. I couldn’t read her face at all.

“Do you trust me?” she nodded. “Can I take you back to my house?” she nodded again. I could see in her eyes that she didn’t want to be alone. I wasn’t about to leave her alone, anyway. “You’re sister should—” I paused, seeing her face fall at the mention of her sister. “What is it?”

“I feel horrible,” she started to cry again. “I didn’t even think of her, of how she would f-feel,” she sobbed. I grimaced and rubbed her back.

“I did the same thing, Chloe. I tried to pretend that the people I loved and I knew loved me—like my brother—weren’t good enough. I know it’s hard, but it will be okay.”

“No, no,” she shook her head. “Please don’t tell her.” I gave her a disapproving look. “Please.”

“I won’t, but you need to talk to her about how you feel,” I said.

“I will,” she nodded.

“Alright,” I stood up, bringing her up with me. “Let’s pack you a bag,” I said. She nodded and grabbed a backpack, stuffing clothes and toiletries into it. I swung the bag over my shoulder and with a heavy heart, grabbed her hand and walked with her down stairs. She started to cry again. “Please don’t cry…”

“I’m sorry,” she shook her head and wiped her face. “It’s just… it’s just… I don’t deserve—”

“Don’t say that.”

“I just…” she sighed and shook her head. “Thank you. Thank you for saving me so many times,” she said, hugging me. “I’ve wanted to say that for, like, five years,” she sniffled, laughing nervously with a hint of embarrassment in her cheeks.

“Aw, Chloe,” I breathed. I didn’t know what to say to that—I never knew how to respond to that, when fans said that our music has saved their lives. It was breathtaking to hear.

“It’s true. You’re my idol and I won’t lie and say I am not star struck right now,” she said honestly. I laughed at her bluntness and held her hand again, continuing down the stairs. I had forgotten about Charlie who I saw was sitting tensely in the passenger seat, where I had told her to stay, but looking like she was milliseconds away from ejecting herself from the seat. Then, Charlie and I made eye contact and she visibly relaxed, sighing in relief.

“I like your girlfriend,” Chloe chimed. My chest fluttered—Charlie and I were together but I never really called her my girlfriend before. I guess that was what we were—although labels meant nothing to me.

“Thank you. I do too,” I smiled. “Hey, y’know, if you see any hate online, help us out a little,” I nudged her playfully. She smiled and nodded, giving me a thumbs up.

I opened the back seat of the car for her, helping her inside before going around to the driver’s side. I glanced apologetically at Charlie but she seemed fine—relieved, but fine. I stroked her arm lovingly for a moment before focusing on driving home. No words were shared in the short trip, but it was fine. Chloe was gazing out the window—thinking—while I focused on the roads. Charlie sat thoughtfully next to me, biting her lip slightly and her forehead slightly creased so I wondered what she was thinking about.

“Here!” I said, parking the car in the driveway.

“I’ll go ahead,” Charlie said sweetly, and I kissed her cheek as she exited the car. She walked into the house, probably to talk to the other guys that apparently slept over last night. I smiled at Chloe and got out with her, holding her bag and her hand that was shaking. She seemed anxious, but not afraid.

“Chloe! Vic!” Jaime cheered when we entered the house. He engulfed both of us into a huge hug, squeezing us tightly.

“H-Hi,” Chloe murmured. Jaime ruffled her hair and grinned.

“Chloe’s going to stay here for at least tonight, okay? Her parents are away, so,” I informed them, only giving them information that they needed to know. Chloe smiled thankfully at me.

“Well you’re in luck, Chloe,” Tony appeared. He had his storm-trooper helmet under his arm. He walked up to her and placed it over her head, causing her to giggle. “You’re just in time for the Star Wars marathon,” he said, grabbing her hand and dragging her away. Tony shot me a backwards glance and a wave, and I smiled thankfully at him—he knew I was going to need a few minutes, now that the shock of what had happened was beginning to ware off.

“Vic,” Charlie said gently. She was the only one nearby—Jaime had wandered away and Mike was on his way home with Zoe.

“Hey,” I replied breathlessly, running my fingers through my hair. My hands were shaking.

“Do you need a moment?” she asked as I could feel my emotions start to spike inside of me. My hands continued to shake and my body tingled and my brain throbbed. Tears were threatening my vision and I felt sick.

“Yeah,” I nodded, blinking. “Thank you,” I whispered. Charlie smiled weakly and kissed my cheek before letting me go. I stayed in the hallway quiet for probably twenty minutes, alone, just thinking, my mind racing so fast I couldn’t move. My heart ached from the events of this morning. I couldn’t get it out of my head.

“Fuck,” I growled. I rushed down the hall to my music room, nearly diving inside as my feelings started to intensify.

A young girl like her who was just barely seventeen wanted to die. I bit my lip—hard—as I tried to process that in my head. She had barely lived, yet! Of course, I couldn’t and wouldn’t undermine what she was feeling, but I wish she could see how bright of a future she had.

I wanted to keep her from making the same mistakes as me.

The room wasn’t sound proof—Mike talked through it to me all the time—but I let out a scream anyway. I was nearly twice Chloe’s age, but she had thoughts just like mine—or, rather, thoughts just like mine from six months ago, when I simply didn’t see the point.

Too young!

“It’s not fair!” I shouted, my throat scratching and everyone in the house probably startled by my yells but I didn’t care. I didn’t care! I clenched my eyes shut and squatted for a second, gripping my hair and ducking my head. I screamed again and then I jumped up, lunging at something—anything.

My hands came in contact with a wall, luckily it wasn’t one covered with fan letters because I would regret destroying them. I pulled my hands back and started to punch the wall. I needed to get this out—this frustration. I wasn’t frustrated with Chloe, though. I was frustrated with the fucking world, for treating her so bad. I yanked at my hair again and cried out. My hands gripped the top of my swivel chair, and I ripped it around and behind me, it crashing into another wall. I growled at myself and my hands were shaking. A tiny, rational voice in my brain was saying not to destruct this room—my guitars, my equipment, fan letters and fan gifts. Luckily, that voice was just loud enough to prevent me from tearing this place apart. I growled again and slammed myself back into the wall and slid down it, ignoring the pain in my back and sinking into the ground. I buried my face into my hands and clawed at my skin in exasperation.

“Fuck,” I sighed roughly and tilted my head back, so it was against the wall and I was staring at the ceiling. I took a calming, deep breath and exhaled slowly, calming myself down. I felt tears streaming down my face, but I wasn’t crying hard. They were just left over emotions spilling out.

I sat quietly by myself for a while, trying not to think too much. I heard a knock on the door and looked over at it. When I didn’t answer, it started to creep open. I closed my eyes because I was feeling that same feeling Chloe was feeling earlier—ashamed.

Charlie sat down next to me and turned to face me, brushing her hand across and around my face. She found one of my hands with her other one, holding it gently.

“Chloe’s asleep. Tony bored her with Star Wars. She didn’t hear,” she whispered quietly. I nodded and gnawed on my lip, my eyes blinking rapidly to try and get the tears out of my vision. Charlie’s fingers traced my face and brushed over my lips, telling me to stop. After a moment I released my lip from between my teeth and sighed. Charlie didn’t say anything; instead, she lifter her arms up and pulled me in for a hug—no words were necessary. I tiredly rested my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes. I didn’t have to apologize for exploding because the only person it hurt was myself—only physically, too, because it felt good to let go like that for a moment.

“I just can’t fathom it anymore,” I sighed after a few more quiet minutes.

“I know, I’m sorry,” she said softly, rubbing my back.

“You know, so many fans are like this,” I said quietly, thinking. “A lot of them hurt themselves, and it’s like I can feel their pain, too. I wish I could show them that it gets better. That even if everything is bad there are tiny moments of good worth living for,” I said, glancing at Charlie significantly—she was my “good” in the midst of all of the “bad”. She was what made it worth to hang on for, her and my brother and my band, without them I’d be dead. “You just have to hold on for the good parts to come around, and be open eyed so you don’t miss them when they do. I wish I could help them more,” I said. “I owe so much to them…” I shook my head regretfully.

“You can’t save everyone, Vic,” she said gently.

“I know,” I said, nodding. But then I tightened my fists with determination—determined to take care of feelings that belonged to someone other than myself. I genuinely cared about Chloe, too, and I wasn’t about to let something bad happen to her, for her and her sister’s sake. “But I’ll save her.”

Notes

I was going to kill Chloe

I didn’t want to deal with the storm that would’ve caused, heck no.

So, uh, yeah! Enjoy :)
What do you think about everything? I feel like there's a billion things going on, and i have plans to add another thing to those billion of things soon, so sorry if it seems like it's too much. But I have to add the other thing so I can resolve every thing so this can end, not that I want it to end but You know what I mean I think

Okay see ya next time :)

PS. Check out my new story, "We Can Run", it's a Jaime one with 2 chapter out--I'm working on the third! Yay