Selfish, selfish, selfish. That was what I was—I couldn’t help it.

I recognized that it wouldn’t be fair for Charlie if she stayed here with me, yet I wanted to do everything in my power to keep her. And that made me selfish.

I hurt Charlie, and I hated myself for it. I hurt her, but I still liked her a lot. I still wanted her to stay with me, despite how risky it was for her own happiness—I could break again at any moment. But now I was about to use my best friend’s story in order to convince her to stay. I couldn’t get any more selfish than that.

I had walked to the cemetery, so Charlie drove us both back to my house; I was still too pathetically unstable to drive. Silence clouded the air—it was like a vacuum, creating an almost overwhelming sense of emptiness. Not only did I feel selfish, but I also felt guilty. I wanted nothing more than to dry the tears that were welling up in her eyes, but I knew that wouldn’t exactly help the situation.

She drove with a placid look on her face, staring straight ahead. I studied her face carefully, looking to see if her jaw was clenched to indicate anger, or if a lump moved down her neck to indicate that she was swallowing back sobs, but I could detect nothing. Only silent tears and a calm visage.

“Vic, how is talking to your friends going to do anything?” she suddenly asked.

I bit my lip. I felt anxious and awkward. What were we going to do? I had no clue how to bring up the topic with Jaime, and now I all of a sudden wished that I could take everything back. I needed to talk to Jaime alone, I think. I needed to see how he did it. I didn’t even know what I needed. Everything in my mind was so fucked up.

“There’s more I have to tell you,” I said, finally figuring out something. I didn’t know why I was so desperate to keep her—because she makes you happy, and you are selfish.

“What do you mean?” she asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

“There’s a lot more to the story than me just losing a girl I loved,” I said, cringing at my choice of words, but understanding that it was the truth.

“Oh?”

“I’m sorry. I’m making no sense. But I just think Jaime can explain how he did it,” I half-explained. Yeah, that was right. I needed Jaime to talk about his relationship with Spencer to Charlie, which could hopefully prove to us that it was possible, being together.

“Did what?” She asked, a hint of annoyance in her tone. I sighed.

“Move on,” I said lowly. She nodded, her facial expression slightly confused, but she didn’t ask again. I was delusional to her. I was delusional to myself.

We walked into the house silently, a fresh coat of awkwardness covering us.

“Hey,” Mike nodded at our entrance, giving us a significant look.

“Is Jaime here?” I asked lowly, my voice barely a croak. A sad look struck his face. We didn’t exactly separate on good terms.

Charlie quickly left the house, a soft cry slipping out before she closed the door. My insides twisted and shattered, and my brain turned into mush. I turned to Mike, anger and hurt firing through my veins. I needed someone to blame.

“Look what you’ve done!” I screamed.

“What the fuck, Vic?” Mike stepped back in alarm.

“You did this!” I yelled again.

“No I didn’t!” Mike protested, his facial expression contorting like he had just been slapped.

Deep down, I knew this was not his fault. It was mine. All mine. But madness layered over my rational thoughts, and I needed to lash out. It was horrible and selfish of me to lash out at my own brother, but I did it nonetheless.

“Yes, this is your fault!” I growled. “You just had to get all into my damn business, didn’t you?” I spat.

“I’m just trying to help you, for God’s sake, Vic! I didn’t know she was listening!” He raised his voice back.

“You’ve done everything but help me, you ignorant fuck! If you had kept your big mouth closed she would not be gone right now!” I yelled. I gritted my teeth, words I didn’t mean and didn’t want to say slipping past my lips: “If you had been a better look out Spencer would not be gone right now,” I said lowly. The heat in my body could not be put out—I knew I crossed a line, but I couldn’t find anything inside of me that cared. I was a monster.

Mike stepped back again, tears immediately dripping down his face.

“You don’t think that I think that every single fucking day of my life, Vic?” he hissed, hurt evident in his voice. “You don’t think I feel guilty for everything? I know that, already! I know that I fucked up, okay? I shouldn’t have gotten us in that situation! I should have protected you better, and I’m sorry! Okay? I’m fucking sorry!” He screamed, tears pouring out of his eyes.

My eyes widened, and I stumbled back. I shook my head. “N-no,” I whispered. “Oh, my God, no,” I said, my own tears dripping pathetically from my eyes. “No, Mike. I didn’t mean any of that. None of this is your fault, I swear,” I cried, hoping he would believe me. I had lost myself completely for a minute, and I hated myself for that. Why would I say that to my own brother? My own brother who has always been there for me? I was the only one to blame.

“It’s true, though,” he said, his lips tightened in a line, like he was holding something back.

I dropped to my knees in desperation, burying my face into my hands. “This is all so fucked up,” I moaned. “I’m sorry, Mike,” I cried. “I don’t believe anything I said,” I said, but Mike gave me a doubtful expression.

“I’m serious Mike!” I screamed. “I'm sorry!” I yelled again, trying to brand the words into his head. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

“I meant what I said, but I didn’t mean to direct them to you!” I explained. “It’s all me! I meant it all for me, I just blamed the wrong person,” I mumbled almost incoherently. “Please don’t feel guilty, Mikey, please!” I cried, staring up at him with hopeful eyes.

He stared down back at me, his eyes searching, and then he slowly dropped down to my level. “I do blame myself sometimes, Vic, I’m not going to lie,” he whispered.

“Don’t,” I said firmly.

“I can’t help it, Vic. Every night I see it happen. I relive it, probably as much as you. I relive it, and I always try to change what happens in my head. I always try to do something different, but it doesn’t work. Each time I relive it, it always ends the same way and I just—” he stopped talking suddenly, sobs overtaking his body. I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds. I felt like my insides were lead, sinking down in my body, weighing me down. I had no idea that Mike actually felt these things—and my words just pushed him over the edge. God damn it, why didn’t I know that he was hurting terribly, too? Why didn’t I realize that he blamed himself? I would have never said those things to him if I had known that they would have triggered this. I just made everything worse. I ruined everything…

“No, Mike, it’s not your fault,” I said, pulling him into a hug. “It’s not your fault. None of it is,” I said, meaning these words with every little thing inside of me. He nodded against my shoulder, sighed, and then stood up.

He closed his eyes, and then he opened his mouth to speak.

“Holy shit, guys!” all of a sudden Jaime came barreling in, almost slipping on the hard wood.

“What is it?” I asked in alarm. Jaime halted for a moment, squinted his eyes at me and Mike, but then he shook his head and moved on.

“The news,” he said almost breathlessly. We all raced over to the living room—this seemed urgent—and turned on the news. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I had been so caught up in things with Charlie that I had forgotten completely about the trial.

“Innocent,” I hissed, tears stinging my eyes again. We had turned on the news just in time to see the results. And Carlos was innocent. My Spencer was not going to get the justice she deserved. I felt like I was going to be sick.

I felt an arm wrap around me—then two arms. Mike and Jaime were sitting on either side of me, holding on to my shaking body.

“How?” I choked out. They both shook their heads.

I stared at the television, watching as Carlos was lead out of the courthouse. A smirk rested on his face as he proudly walked down the marble steps… I closed my eyes. I couldn’t see this.

“Holy fuck!” Mike yelled, and I opened my eyes hastily. Carlos no longer had a smirk on his face, and he was no longer walking with pride down the marble steps. He was lying on them, a pull of blood around his body, brains scattered across the steps…

The news reporters went ballistic. His verdict was Innocent, but Carlos was guilty. And whoever shot him in the forehead knew exactly what he deserved.

I stood up, walking to the door.

“Where are you going?” they asked.

“I need to visit Spencer.”

I was snapped back into reality when I felt a warm body embrace me. “I’m sorry,” Mike whispered. “I’m sorry, too,” I said back.

“Er, where did Charlie go?” I asked, looking around.

“You zoned out for a minute, dude. She’s talking to Himes. He wandered in and decided to take matters into his own hands,” he said.

“Oh,” I said lowly. I’ve never zoned out like that before—I must have looked idiotic. “How did Jaime know—”

“He just did,” Mike interrupted. “He came in and they just started talking. It’s the right thing, Vic, don’t worry,” he added. I nodded, yawning.

“Why don’t you take a nap or something?” Mike suggested. A nap would be nice…

“Okay,” I said, feeling rather numb. Mike draped an arm around my shoulder, leading me to my room. I immediately found the comfort of my mattress and fuzzy blankets, curling up with the scent of freshly washed linens.

“It’s okay, Vic,” Mike said. I closed my eyes and nodded, feeling him kiss my forehead before I fell asleep completely.

The day’s events had drained me intensely; I didn’t even have a dream. Or a nightmare. I just woke up, everything being foggy and blurry.

My eyes soon adjusted, and I found Charlie looking at me—not in a creepy way, but in a concerned way.

“Hey,” I said, sitting up.

“Hi,” she said, sitting down next to me. I waited for her to talk—what was I supposed to say? “Jaime told me everything,” she said, and some indistinguishable emotion quickly flashed across her face.

“Oh,” I said lowly, unsure as to what to say next. I just decided to let her do the talking.

“I think it’s really good that you had me talk to him, Vic. I understand how you feel a lot more, now,” she said carefully. I looked at her, but for some reason, she wasn’t really looking at me. She was avoiding my gaze, which could only mean one thing.

I bit my lip anxiously, wondering what she had thought about it all.

“I learned something, Vic,” she said.

“What’s that?”

“Jaime said that he got over Spencer eventually, but that it was very difficult,” she began. “But he also said that he had to do it alone,” she said quietly.

Pain struck through me immediately, as if someone had ripped out my battered heart. I don’t want to do this alone…

She reached out and touched the side of my face with her hand softly, forcing me to look up at her. I didn’t realize that I was looking down.

“It’s possible, Vic. But it’s hard, too. Jaime lost Spencer, but she was still alive. She was still around. You lost her in a more permanent, terrible way,” she said gently. There were many things I liked about Charlie, and one of those things was her fierce ability to tell me the truth exactly how it was—no sugar coating. I appreciated that a lot, no matter how much the truth hurt. “But I still think if you try, you can get over it,” she said hopefully, smiling softly.

I smiled weakly at her. “I’m not as strong as Jaime, though. He got over everything by himself, but I don’t think I can do that,” I said lowly—stop being selfish, Vic.

“You can’t rely on me, or any other girl, for that matter. You have to find happiness yourself, Vic. You can’t give your already broken heart away, hoping that someone can fix it. It doesn’t work like that. I wish it did, because I want to help you, but it just doesn’t. You have to rely on yourself for happiness, because people are unreliable,” she said. “People will always let you down, and I can’t even guarantee that I won’t. It’s just human nature, I think, which is why you have to learn to take care of yourself,” she frowned slightly at her words, which were so true it almost hurt. If people didn’t let you down on purpose, they let you down by accident—like by dying. “This is a really bad philosophy, Vic, by the way. I’ll tell you right now that this kind of thinking leaves people lonely and sad. But I’ve lived with this my entire life, believing that people are let downs and afraid of getting close to people just in case something bad happened—because bad things happen, a lot.

“I guess it’s true that life won’t have meaning if you don’t share it with others. But if you are this broken, you have to find peace with yourself before you find peace with other people. You and I have something in common, Vic: we both live in a tragic world. And I think relying on your own self is a good choice for people like us who have so much tragedy in their lives,” she said, looking down after her mini speech. Everything she said was accurate. Depressing, maybe a little pessimistic, but accurate. Tragic people live pessimistically because they only know pessimistic things.

“You’re right,” I said, looking down again. “It sucks, but you’re right. I have to deal with this shit on my own before I can be happy with other people,” I said. She nodded, although her eyes looked torn.

“Charlie, I have to tell you something else,” I whispered.

“What is it?” she asked softly, holding my cheek with her hand again.

“I tried this already,” I started. “I tried to be okay without another girl. I filtered my feelings through my music and leaned on my band mates and best friends and brothers for support. I literally tried to find happiness on my own, already,” I said, unsure as to why this thought never occurred to me before.

She stared at me, waiting for me to continue.

“I tried this already,” I repeated. “And it led me to…” I stopped talking, shaking my head in shame.

“Led you to…?” she probed, furrowing her eyebrows.

“Suicide,” I barely whispered, my voice completely broken. Her eyes went wide in horror. I hung my head low, ashamed for admitting my weakest point to her. She grabbed my arm carefully, gently rubbing her thumb over my single cut that still hadn’t healed from four days prior.

“Vic…” she said, her voice cracking, as well.

“Remember the day I met you? When you woke up in the hospital?” I asked. She nodded.

“Remember the bandage on my head? You asked about it, and I said I tripped and bumped my head,” I said. Recognition slowly started to creep on her face. “But I lied,” I said, sighing. “I tried to shoot myself,” I couldn’t believe the words that were coming from my mouth.

“Vic…” she repeated, her voice distraught. “I flinched, though, which was why I didn’t die,” I said. “I was so weak that I couldn't even kill myself properly,” I said, gritting my teeth at the thought.

I heard her breathing hitch, and I felt her hands caress my face, forcing my jaw to relax. “I’m not going to let that happen again, Vic,” she said firmly, looking me dead in the eyes. “I promise to never break this promise,” she whispered. She wrapped her arms around my neck and held on to me tightly. I pulled her closer by wrapping my arms around her waist, squeezing her.

“Everything you said was right, but I don’t think it’s possible for me. Please don’t leave me,” I cried into her neck, feeling like I was telling the absolute truth, but also feeling incredibly selfish.

“I won’t leave you, Vic,” she whispered, giving me a tight squeeze.

“Thank you,” I whispered hoarsely. I just knew this girl would be the one to save me from myself. Guilt pounded in my head—this result probably wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t told her about my attempted suicide. I still couldn’t believe that I had pulled that card, despite it being entirely truthful. I hoped that she wasn’t staying because she felt like she had to. I wanted her here, I knew she could help me, but a small voice in my head whispered that she needed a person, too. Her little speech was a heavy indicator that she has been alone too much in her life, and I hoped that I could fill that void for her.

“You do,” she whispered back—I must have spoken my thoughts out loud. “You do.”

Notes

A lot of dialogue, a lot of overthinking. Oops. Sorry if it's boring/too heavy.

What do you think, though? I was going to make her leave him, but I decided I wanted them to stay together, especially because there's something else I want to turn my attention to. I'll give you a hint. It involves Tony. And it will happen in the next chapter. I PROMISE.

However, I have dreaded Hell Week this week. (Soccer camp) from 9 am to 3 pm all week, so unfortunately updates will not be often. Hopefully this is satisfying enough for now, because it will probably be twenty-four hours before i can get another one in! Sowwy <3

Thanks for the comments, guys, it means a lot (Sorry I haven't gotten back to you all individually, but I see u) <33