And the next three days I spent getting to know her with the guys I felt more butterflies than I have ever felt in my entire light, all the while not thinking about anything bad that has happened. Only the good. And the future.

Maybe at night my mind would slip into the darkness, reminding me of everything that led me to this point, but I didn’t mind, because I liked where I was. Sure, the explosion in my chest that was formed when Spencer died was still there, but Charlie was now there, picking up the pieces, literally helping my heart regenerate. Although she didn’t know any of this (and I felt guilty for that fact), the past few days have been incredible with her, and I have never felt so alive.

I guess it was true; Everything new distracts the old. But I’d like to think of her as more than just a distraction. She was something new, most definitely, but she was also different. She was not just any girl; I refused to believe that just any girl could come along and fix me like the way she was fixing me without even doing so on purpose.

Selfishness rung in my ears, though; she was helping me so much without even knowing anything, so I only hoped that I was doing something for her, too.

~~

I couldn’t sleep. My brain was running wild with thoughts, making it almost impossible to go unconscious. A new thought had been forming in my head; what if I felt attracted to Charlie only because she was the first one I faced after Spencer? That idea sickened me; it also made sense, though. She was the first girl I attempted conversation with, so naturally I’d develop feelings for her. I felt guilty, as if I subconsciously piled all of my baggage on her without her even knowing it, attaching it to the first person who seemed willing to accept it. The only problem with this theory, though, was that she had no idea about this ‘baggage’, or my past. So that must mean what I felt with her was real, right? I didn’t know. I had trouble determining what was real or not. Everything was just so fucking confusing. Hence why I couldn’t sleep.

I rolled out of bed, stumbling into the kitchen to make a glass of water, aiming to refresh my over analyzing brain.

“Oh, hey,” I looked up to see Charlie herself in the kitchen, too, already sitting at the counter with a glass of her own. “What are you doing up?”

“Can’t sleep,” I muttered. “You?”

“Same here,” she said, patting the seat next to her. I sat down on the bar stool next to her, very conscious on how close we were. I could hear her breathing and smell her fresh, strawberry scented hair.

I reached over and took her glass, taking a sip of her water.

“Hey!” she giggled in a whisper.

“I’m too lazy to make my own,” I shrugged my shoulders, smirking at her as I sipped her glass.

She rolled her eyes, letting out a sigh.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“Nothing, really,” she said, smiling softly at me. The kitchen was dark, but the moonlight crept in, filling in the shadows on her face. Her grey-blue eyes swirled.

“Eres muy linda,” I whispered.

“I still don’t know what that means,” she tilted her head to the side.

I put my arm on the counter, holding myself up as I leaned closer to her. “You are very pretty,” I whispered the translation. She blushed, shyly looking away from my gaze.

“You’re not too bad yourself, Fuentes,” she said quietly. Our faces were centimeters apart… millimeters… could this be it? Did I have enough courage? Enough will?

Yes.

My lips brushed hers barely, and she inhaled in a soft gasp. I brought my hand up to gently cup the left side of her face, making her look at me in the eyes, our lips almost touching. Her eyes held multiple things, all of which I had no time to figure out before my body took over, and I pressed my lips firmly onto hers, unable to handle the tension any longer.She kissed back, so I knew it was okay.

I pulled back, staring at her face for a moment, wondering what she was thinking. She bit on her lip ever so slightly, and I took that as an invitation to kiss her again. Her arms snaked around my neck, her fingers knotting through my mess of hair. I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her close while my tongue swept her bottom lip. She opened her mouth in a breath, letting me in, and our tongues slowly tangled together.

I pulled out lips apart, planting sweet kisses on to the corner of her mouth, tracing my lips across her jaw and down to her neck. I kissed her neck softly, and she let out a light sigh when I sucked on the flesh just above her collarbone.

Charlie gently pulled on my hair, bringing my head back up to hers. She kissed my lips again, and then she lightly bit on my bottom lip. This time I let out a sigh. I didn’t know where we were going, but my legs were carrying me forward, pushing her backwards; before I knew it, I had her pinned up against the wall next to my bedroom, and my lips found her neck again. She let out a soft gasp as I explored new areas, bringing my mouth up to her ear, nibbling her lobe softly and kissing the side of her head.

“Va a ser el mío?” I breathed lowly into her ear, knowing that she didn’t understand me, but knowing that the Spanish drove her crazy. And, I wanted to say it, but I was scared to. So I said it in a way that she wouldn’t understand, testing to see if it felt right. And it did. I felt her shiver in my arms, and she wrapped her legs around my waist as our mouths collided once more. I led us in to my room, closing the door behind me. “Will you be mine?” I repeated in English in a growl next to her ear. I gently placed her down on the bed, pushing her back so I hovered over her.

“Yes,” she said breathlessly, connecting out lips again.

I smiled against her mouth, unable to contain my happiness. Yes, happiness. Four short days led me to this point I desired for two years—finally.

I softly dragged my hands down her sides. Her right knee was bent, so I hooked my arm around so my hand rested firmly on her thigh, and I was basically lying on top of her and in between her legs. My other hand ran up and down the left side of her body as my lips attacked her lower neck with more kisses, earning shivers from her.

I felt her tug at the hems of my shirt, her hands running up my bare back underneath the thin layer of cotton. She helped me peel my shirt off, my bare chest now against her.

I moved up, holding her head in between both of my hands, kissing her lips passionately. She sat up, adjusting us so we were sitting facing each other. She hugged my torso tightly and kissed my chest once before speaking.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

I looked at her, confused. What was she sorry for? “I can’t,” she said quietly. Rejection burned through my veins, but I washed the feelings out immediately, ashamed for feeling them in the first place. Something about her expression made me realize that she wanted to but couldn’t, for some reason.

“What’s wrong?” I asked sweetly, tucking a fallen piece of hair behind her ear. She looked down shyly, avoiding eye contact. “Hey,” I said softly, lifting her chin up with my hand gently.

I saw that her eyes had tears in them. “Why are you crying?” I furrowed my eyebrows, wiping away a fallen tear with my thumb. I pulled her closer so she was sitting on my lap, her head resting against my chest.

“I c-cant,” she stuttered. That’s when I realized that something was seriously wrong.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” I reassured her, whispering in her ear.

“But I w-want to, but I can’t,” she said, shaking her head.

“Why can’t you?” I asked, confusion sweeping over me.

“Th-that n-night,” she shuddered, and my body went rigid. That night. She didn’t have to say anymore; I understood. Something bad happened to her… she was… violated… and now she wasn’t ready. And I respected that, of course.

“It’s okay,” I murmured, rubbing her back gently as a few sobs filled the room. “Shh, shh,” I whispered. After a few minutes, her soft crying subsided, leaving her in sniffles.

“Of course I cry now,” she sighed, shaking her head. I looked at her seriously.

“No, Spen—” I stopped immediately, bile building up in my throat. “No, Charlie,” I corrected, relieved to see that she hadn’t noticed my slip up. “This is serious. Some sick bastard hurt you. You are allowed to get upset over it,” I said. She nodded, nuzzling her head deeper into my chest. I kissed the top of her head—yes, I may have accidentally almost said Spencer’s name, but I knew that this was Charlie, I knew that I felt something for Charlie. I didn’t want to see her as Spencer’s “replacement”; she was something new, something fresh, something different.

I held on to her for dear life as we fell asleep together, because she was something I didn’t want to lose.


~~


I woke up with the newly familiar scent of strawberry in my face, along with the texture of hair that didn’t belong to me messily fanned out on my features. I smiled, burying my face into the back of her head, enjoying the way my arms snaked around her waist like she was a teddy bear.

I leaned over her and kissed her cheek, and the corners of her mouth lifted up in her sleep. I rolled out of bed to get water from the kitchen.

I almost jumped when I saw Mike already sitting at the table. He was glaring at me.

“Uh, hey, man?” I said, furrowing my eyebrows. He continued to glare at me. “Did I do something wrong?” I asked.

“Maybe,” his eyebrow twitched.

“Dude, what is going on?”

“Charlie’s in your room, right?” he asked.

I blushed. “Uh, yeah, how do—”

“She’s a nice girl. I never knew you to be the type of man who had meaningless sex—”

“Meaningless sex? Mike! We didn’t—”

“Yes, it was meaningless. In my book, if you are dishonest with the person you are fucking, it is meaningless. I would know,” he said matter-of-factly.

“Jesus, Mike!” I hissed. “We didn’t have sex, and it would be none of your business if we did!”

“Oh,” he said. “Well, I’m just saying for future reference. Girls don’t like to find out secrets about guys after they have sex. It earns you nothing but a good slap in the face,” Mike said.

“I understand, Mike,” I said lowly, suddenly glad that Charlie had stopped us last night, even though her reasoning was different.

“Do you? So are you going to tell her about Spencer and the band?” he asked.

“Shut the fuck up Mike!” I snarled. Why did he have to bring up Spencer, when I was finally happy? Why are you so selfish, Vic? Think about Charlie’s happiness, too.

“Vic, you can’t keep this up!” Mike whisper-yelled.

“Can’t keep what up?” I asked, despite knowing what he was talking about.

“The sneaking around. You have to tell her eventually, Vic. This will go absolutely nowhere if you continue to bottle up your past,” he scolded.

I knew he was right. I just didn’t want to believe it. “It’s not fair to Charlie or Spencer!” He said. “Or you,” he added.

Tears welled up in my eyes. I’ve created a mess. I was so mad at myself. I had used Charlie. I used her for a temporary distraction, so I didn’t care about being honest, but then I soon learned that I actually liked her. I really liked her. But she actually knew nothing about me, so how could we ever have a relationship if it was built on lies? I dug myself into a deep, deep hole, and I didn’t know how I could ever climb out of it. “I know,” I said weakly.

“Then fix it, Vic,” he said.

“It’s hard, Mike! I just wanted a fresh start, you know? No more haunting pasts, no more painful memories!” I knew what I was saying was ignorant. You couldn’t just erase the past. It was the past for a reason.

“As much as you try, Vic, the past will always come back unless you face it. The more you hide it, the harder it’s going to bite you in the ass later,” he said. I knew he brought up a good point.

“It’s just hard,” I whispered weakly again.

“I know, but you have to come clean. Things will get better when you are honest,” he said sternly yet nicely. “Charlie’s a nice girl. And you seem to like her a lot. So don’t fuck it up,” he said.

I nodded. I knew he was right. Since when did Mike get so inspirational and helpful? It was like he was the older brother. I decided to talk to Charlie right away. No more secrets. The secrets were eating me alive, and I needed to let them go. Maybe if I came clean it would be easier to move on completely. She deserved to know about Spencer. I couldn’t continue disrespecting Spencer’s memory, either.

I turned around, almost running into Charlie herself. “Oh, hey,” I said casually. “Can, I, uh, talk to you?” I asked. I looked at her closely. Her bottom lip was quivering, and her eyes were watering.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked sweetly.

“Don’t act like you don’t know, Fuentes,” she spat. My eyes widened with recognition.

“You heard?” I asked in a small and cracking voice. Fuck, Vic! Don’t sound so guilty!

“Every last bit,” she said, her voice unstable but her eyes fierce.

“It’s nothing bad, Charlie, I swear,” I said too quickly, cursing at myself for stammering and sounding guilty again.

“Mhmm,” she pursed her lips. “I’m not usually closed minded, Vic, but I’ve heard enough already,” she glared at me.

“Char, it’s not what it sounds like,” I said desperately.

“No, Vic. It’s exactly what it sounds like. See ya,” she said, turning away hastily before I could hold her back.

She left abruptly, and then the hole in my chest immediately reopened.

That was when I realized that I needed Charlie in my life.

Charlie, in addition to the other guys, was the missing piece… she had been the piece that fit; the piece that was keeping me alive.

And now I just fucked everything up, because I was a selfish machine. I really had this fucking knack for losing somebody important, right when I though she could be mine. Right when I thought everything was going to be okay.

Shit.

Notes

Sorry about the time jump. I didn't have the energy nor creativity to write four days worth of activities, so just use your imagination, okay? And sorry for how fast things escalated. Actually I'm not sorry. I just really wanted to move on to the interesting stuff.