It's been an entire week since Kellin left, an entire week since Asking Alexandria starting touring with us. Tell you what, it's been one hell of a week as well. That is what I can remember from this past week. We've spent most of our time high or drunk, yes that includes my uncles. Tiredness was beginning to creep up on me, I was getting run down and to make things even worse, I was losing my voice.

"Hii baby!!" I called as my grandmother and my daughter popped up on the screen.

"Mommy!!" my little girl smiled.

"¿Cómo está Madre?" I asked, as my little girl ran into the background. (How's she doing madre?)

"Ella te extraña mucho, cuando estás de vuelta?" (she misses you so much, when are you back?)

"6 meses tal vez un poco más, ¿cómo está el abuelo llevando?" She didn't know much English, but I knew my spanish so it was easy for us to talk. (6 months maybe a little more, how's grandpa holding up?)

"no tan bien Adriana, usted mismo?" I was about to reply, when she spoke again. "Me pondré en contacto con usted pronto, la casa de Dylan. Te quiero, te faltan" With that she ended the Skype call. I wiped my eyes as I closed my laptop. I should never of left them, they needed me and here I was half way round the world. I got up walking back into the living area.

"Abuelita isn't holding up well." I sighed, sitting myself next to Jaime. I missed them all so much back in America. My daughter looked so well. My Uncle Vic handed me another glass of salt water to gargle. I hated doing this so much but it had to be done.

♠ ♠ ♠

We weren't performing tonight so we all decided to have a quiet night in with a small detox to fix ourselves ready for tomorrows show. Mu family were in the back of the bus and I was in the front, led on the couch watching some rubbish documentary on the television. My head was lifted up and put back down. I glanced up too see James had now joined me.

"What's wrong?" he questioned.

"I miss home" I sighed, turning onto my back to face him. After a while of just laying there, I sat up. I wanted to get up and move but I also didn't feel like it. I had hit rock bottom tonight. I was thinking about way too much. I felt the tears starting to spring up. That was enough to make me jump up and run to the bathroom. I turned the shower on and the taps, before letting my cries escape. My head in my hands as the tears flowed. I fumbled around in the bottom cupboard, just below the sink.

I found what I was looking for. Looking inside the box, I saw the shiny metal blink at me. Picking it up I held in between two fingers. I promised, but I couldn't hold onto these feelings any more. I missed home, I missed my daughter, I missed dad, I missed mom. I miss everything.

Nothing ever felt right lately, walking around plastering that damn smile on my face to make believe I was truly happy when inside I was screaming in pain. No-one had even noticed I had started skipping meals, nobody noticed anything. I wasn't good enough any more. They didn't care. My family hates me, my friends hate me and I just wanted to feel somewhat normal again. I wanted to be able to feel again.

Holding the blade up to my wrist, I closed my eyes and dragged it across my skin. A smile forming. Ah, this is what it was like to feel again. I did it again. I was hurting myself and everyone around me, therefore I needed to cause more pain to feel better. I wanted to end my sad pathetic life, I wanted to end it all. I couldn't handle myself any more.

I opened my eyes looking down at my arm. I began to panic. I didn't want to do so many, I threw the blade back in the box. Putting it back in its place. I grabbed a towel wrapping my arm in it. I opened the door slightly, asking James to come help me. He stopped when he saw my arm wrapped in the towel, he quickly came in closing the door.

"Not this again, Ads you're better than this." he said in a soothing voice. I just stared blankly at him. "Let's clean you up beautiful." He started cleaning the cuts on my arm, the tears came around again. I tried to hold them back but it was no use. I was beginning to break. I was losing my own self control. My walls were coming down.

"What did I do?" I muttered, loud enough for him to hear.

"Nothing. You did nothing." he spoke softly, wrapping my arm up in some form of bandage. Once done, he stood up making me stand up with him. He wrapped his arms round me, hugging me in a tight but comforting way. I held onto his shirt as my tears fell harder. His grip on me began tighter as my body shook.

♠ ♠ ♠

I woke up in the middle of the night, bumping into another person. This wasn't my bunk. I looked to see James sleeping soundly by my side. I didn't remember coming into his bunk. That was until I looked down at my arm, he told everyone I wasn't feeling well and he brought me to bed.

I looked down at the sleeping boy, my heart did a tiny flutter. I was questioning myself. I surely didn't feel a thing towards James? With a sigh, I managed to climb over me and get out. My feet landing with a soft thud on the floor. "Jadriana is so happening..."

"Fucking hell Ben, don't do that!" I whisper shouted at him. I saw his eyes dart to my arm, then back up to my face. I knew what he was thinking, I gave him a small smile before walking past him and laying on the couch.

"Self destruction isn't the way forward..." he began.

"Ben, I love you and everything but not tonight. Please?" he nodded before going back to his bunk. I felt bad because all he wanted to do was help and I just pushed him away. After a short while I got up and put some food on too cook because I was feeling a bit hungry. I'd only end up bringing it back up but it made sense to make it look like I was eating. While the food cooked, I sat myself back on the sofa, right in the corner and brought my knees up to my chest.

I didn't know what else to do, I didn't want to wake anyone so sitting here on my own with nothing but sound of the engine keeping me company. I was too lost in my own mind, I didn't notice my food was burning. That was until James came running through. He put the fire out and sat beside me. My tear stained face turning to face him. I just shook my head at him, I'm not sure why but I didn't know what else to do at this moment in time. I haven't felt this low in a long while.

This is all began when Kellin officially left me on my own. I didn't understand it, I wouldn't go as far to say I was in love with him but there was something about him that kept me with him, kept me loving him. The other part of me, wanted something different.

"You're daydreaming." I shook my head and blinked.

"Sorry, I do that a lot. Can I try someth--" I was cut off by him kissing me. My hand automatically went to back of his head, pulling him even closer to me. I let go of him, breaking the kiss. I couldn't help but smile at him as our faces were still just inches apart. I felt my eyes becoming heavy, I felt his lips on my forehead. "Goodnight Ads."

"Goodnight" I muttered as my eyes closed on their own accord.

♠ ♠ ♠

My eyes began to flutter open, the face of my Uncle Mike was close to my own. He was pushing my hair away from my face. He had a concerned look on his face. I was wearing a long sleeved jumper which I knew I wasn't wearing when I went to bed. "Morning sweetie..." he whispered.

"I don't want to wake up yet." I muttered turning over and closing my eyes again. I was still beyond tired and I just wanted to sleep this tour away right now so I could go home and be with the rest of my family. After a few minutes, I decided I couldn't get back to sleep and sat up. Everyone was sat looking at me. Oli came at me, pulling me into a tight hug. "Please keep fighting..." he whispered.

What?

"If you ever need someone to talk to, any one of us will listen." Tino added. I gave them all questioning looks. Then I locked eyes with James. He looked guilty. He had told them. I knew he had. But that's a good thing right?

No, that was the first thing ever.

"Break down the walls sweetheart." Uncle Jaime spoke up next.

Breaking down the walls I put up, meaning letting people in, which means getting hurt

I refuse to get hurt any more by the people I love and the people I thought loved me.

I refuse.

Notes

this is really so bad and I really hate it but it's just more of a filler to give you more of an insight into her mind. This chapter also is a lot of my thoughts at the moment so I'm sorry if it brings any of you down but I needed a way to let them out and it just seemed to fit perfectly.

- vickyptv