KIM'S POV.

So, when my mum first died, I was told I would have my good and bad days. And God knows, I've had my fair share of both, but unfortunately today was one of my very worst bad days I've had in a long, long time. I don't think I've ever felt so alone, so low, so heartbroken all at once in my entire life. This is the most dangerously low I've been in so long. I can't remember the last time I felt like this, and worse yet, I can't see me getting out of this slump I'm in. It's like I'm stuck here, in this hole, unable to breathe, eat, sleep. I don't feel like I'm alive. I'm living day to day with this whole act on, that I'm okay, that I'm fine and that I'm not ready for completely fucking killing myself.

I rarely text Vic, or call him for that matter - and he doesn't text or call me often either. I see him next week on their last show, which will be in San Diego. I don't even know why we haven't been speaking so much, and it scares me that I'm not even worried about it. That's just how unemotional I am. I'm just low. Dead. Yeah, that's it, dead. I feel dead. I don't see the point in living either, every living thing dies alone, right? So why should I bother?

I brought out my journal - that I only write in when I feel like I'd need to rant to my mum. I sat down on my bed, placed the journal in my lap and grabbed a pen. Guess I better just get my feelings all out.

"Dear Mum,
I don't know what to do anymore. I want you to be here, come back, please muma? I'd do anything. I need you here. I miss you more than ever... I can't feel anything. I'm numb. I have to be numb otherwise everything hurts too much. I feel so alone, all my friends, they're all doing things with their boyfriends or just always busy in general. Vic, he's away touring, so I can't be with him and I miss him, things aren't the same when we text or call each other - it's like he's hiding something from me or he's not okay about something but he won't tell me what it is. I just want to feel okay, muma. I just want to feel alive. For the first time, in a long time, I can honestly say I want to die. I can honestly say I don't want to be here, that I hate everything about myself, my life, everything, muma. I don't want to be here, I don't have anything that will keep me here for much longer, and I know that, and it scares me. I don't get how you kept such a brave face battling fucking cancer and you were in ten times more physical and emotional pain as me, yet I can hardly even take this, this stupid illness that I have. I have no motivation to do anything anymore. Work? Forget it. Friends? Nope. Eating? Nope. Sleeping? Nope. I'm alone, muma. And I just want to be with you, again. I want to be met with you. Please, let me go, let me die. I need to be with you. I need to, I need to...
I love you forever muma, and I'll be seeing you soon x"

I wrote out my feelings, my heart breaking having to admit that I'm completely broken down, that I'm the furthest thing from being okay. My tears streamed down my face at a rapid rate as I closed my journal, putting it down on the bedside table and stood up from my bed, going towards my bathroom. I opened the bathroom door and stripped myself of my clothes and turning on the tap to run myself a bath. I sat next to the bath, my head in my hands, my sobs completely taking over my body.

"Let it stop, let it stop. The pain..." I shouted, my face contorted in pain and my eyes squeezed shut. I screamed at the top of my lungs as I pulled at my once beautiful hair, which now seemed dull and lifeless to me, and pulled and pulled at it. I didn't realize the chunks I'd taken out of it until I finally opened my eyes, seeing the massive clumps of hair in my fists. I sighed, putting them in the bin and my tears seemed to stop. I looked at myself in the mirror and started crying again. Why can't I just be normal? I punched the mirror with all the force I had left in me and fell to the floor, I was so weak, I haven't eaten in days, nor have I slept. I've been living off of water and energy juice. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't help myself, I need to get out of this hell hole, Earth has never been the place for me. That, I knew for certain.

I got out my journal again, sitting it down on the bed as I wrote my final words. I then found a sticky note, writing the words 'Read Me' on it. I quickly text Vic, my family, and Taylor that I loved them, and that I was so proud of them, before quickly scurrying to the kitchen to find pills and water and then back to the bathroom. I turned off the tap and sighed. I put the plug into the bathroom sink and poured the two bottles of pills out, taking as many as I could before I ended up throwing the majority of them up, sadly.

I threw my makeup box at the mirror, seeing it crack and break into lots of tiny pieces. I took one of the biggest pieces and looked at my reflection in it. My old urges ached inside me, and I told myself it wouldn't hurt to just do one. I shrugged and placed the blade across my wrist, where old, silver scars littered them. I slid it across my wrist again and again, slowly moving up to my forearm before switching to the other arm. Still, I feel nothing. Not even a twinge of pain. I sat down in my now ready bath and I should have felt the sting of the cuts I made, but not one single cut stung me. That's how I knew I wasn't done. So I cut and cut and cut. Everywhere I could do it, really. My legs, my stomach, my hips. Blood was all around me and I felt myself slowly drifting away, into happiness, to my muma.

VIC'S POV.

I tuned out of my conversation with the guys on the car drive home, we were about ten minutes away from Taylor and Jaime's new place, so I was getting dropped off next. Twenty more minutes then I'll get to see my beautiful girl again, and boy, I could not wait. Just then, I got the sweetest text from her, it simply read. "I love you so much, Vic, and I couldn't be more proud of you."

I smiled at the text and quickly replied, I couldn't wait to see her surprised little face to know that we have the week off until the San Diego show! That's also when I'll propose to her, which is another little surprise.

Now that we'd dropped Jaime off with his woman, there was just five more agonizing minutes before I got to be reunited with mine.

Notes

Title credit: Killing You - Asking Alexandria.

I'm so so so sorry that this hasn't been updated in so long, I feel so awful about it. But I'm sad to say this chapter explains why, this is how I've been feeling recently. And I thought, what better way to let everything out than to write it in this story :) Everything I've written other than the suicide note onwards is how things have actually been for me the past few weeks. But everything from the suicide note onwards was actually in my dream last night, and it freaked me, so I decided to write it in here, too. So, anyway, my update is finally here, as are the Christmas holidays - which is unfortunately going to be a shitty time of the year for me without my mum for the first time, so expect a lot of updates!

I'm so sorry again for not updating, please forgive me. My Mike story has also been updated, and will be getting updated again after this. It's called 'True Love'.