The house is eerily peaceful.

The air is thick. If silence was visible, this silence would be thick, black, opaque and heavy—like a ton of bricks.

The clock on the wall ticks by, seemingly more noisily than usual, reminding me of all the time I'm wasting being miserable—and also reminding me that I couldn't stop being miserable even if I tried.

And trust me, I've tried.

"I'm all set" my mom's small voice sounds from the doorway of the kitchen. I shift my gaze from my entwined hands that are resting on top of the small round table in the kitchen and look at her. She looks small, like a frightened child, she looks almost lost amongst the decor of the house she's lived in her whole adult life.

I smile weakly at her, doing my best to be strong, simply because I know that's what she needs from me.

She has her suitcase in her hand, it looks like it's way too heavy for her to carry but she holds onto it like it's her last lifeline. I notice she's wearing my dad's glasses; I find this odd considering my mom doesn't need glasses and I know for a fact that she would never be able to see anything clearly out of them. — Oh mom.

"Vic?" She says, I then realize I've been staring at her—observing her this whole time and haven't reciprocated.

"Uh, yeah..." I reply because thats all that stumbles out my mouth

"I'm ready to go. You're driving me to the airport, remember?" She looks at me warily, concern lining her face even more than stress has lined it in the past weeks.

"Yeah, yeah, of course I remember" I smile and jump up over enthusiastically and I want to kick myself for being such a terrible actor—I'm making the fact I'm pretending to be okay way too obvious.

"If you're not up to it I can call a cab, I don't mind" she makes a terrible attempt at smiling and my heart constricts for her.

"No I'm up for it" I smile as genuinely as I can, but I've never been good at faking a smile. I'm as transparent as glass. She doesn't look convinced but she doesn't say anything else.

---

"You got everything?" I ask, she nods without hesitation. I hug her tightly, never wanting to let go. When we eventually pull back from the hug her eyes are glossy.

"You have that look on your face" she laughs a small laugh

"What look?"

"Like you're terrified" she replies touching my bicep affectionately "It's okay, Vicky. You're a big boy now" and then she does the most uncool thing ever and ruffles my hair. I want to scowl at her but I know that the last thing I care for right now is my hair so I let it slide.

"Mom" I grab her hand "You're going to be okay, aren't you?" I search her eyes for well anything, anything that gives me a slight clue of how she feels right now, but I see nothing. Maybe I'm not looking hard enough...

"I'll be just fine. Stop worrying. I'll call you when I land and every weekend okay" her smile is weak.

That word sums up my whole life lately—weak.

"Okay, I still don't want you to go though" I murmur feeling a little selfish. All you do is think of yourself, fuck sake Vic!

"It's only temporary. Sure it's a very long vacation, but I'll be back before you know it" she reaches out and caresses my cheek, tears threatening to spill from her swollen, sunken in eyes, making her voice sound strained and unnaturally broken. "There's just too many memories here, Victor. I feel like if I don't get out now I'm going to go crazy, the walls whisper so many memories to me. I'm an old soul filled with nostalgia and also empty from heartache. I need a vacation, just to come to terms with how my life is going to be from now on, it's changed so fast and my brain is still playing catch up" the world's biggest lump forms in my throat, I understand one hundred percent where she is coming from. It's a slap in the face just walking around in San Diego because my dad loved everything about it and everything is just a cold memory. That's the most painful part—everything is just a memory, and soon it will become a faded distant memory that has become distorted because my brain can't quite recall it perfectly. I don't want that to happen.

I don't want to forget, I never want to forget.

"I understand. Just let me know how you are and if you need anything, anything at all, I'll be on the first plane there" I say seriously, meaning every single word.

"Ever the hero" she whispers "You're allowed to break too, Victor" she kisses my cheek and holds me in a motherly embrace for a few seconds before saying a short goodbye and walking in the opposite direction from me, wiping the tears away as she walked.

---

"Get up. I need you to go to the liquor store" Mike kicks me, not viciously but it still hurts.

"What?" I say opening one eye. — embarrassingly, once I had dropped my mom off at the airport I had come home and cried. Crying is an exhausting process and I somehow ended up falling asleep.

You're allowed to break too, Victor.

My moms words vibrate through my head—am I? Am I allowed to break?

"We're throwing a party" he says with a grin as if there is so much to be happy about right now. For some reason his happiness angers me.

"We?" I question, still with only one eye open.

"Yes. Me, Tony and Jaime" he grins wider "You can either join or sit and be miserable in your room. Either way it's happening." He shrugs and I feel this extremely big urge to wipe his stupid grin off of his face. How can he cope so well with all of this? Why isn't he suffering like I am?

You should be glad he's happy and not constantly distraught like you — the rational part of my brain reminds me.

I'm such a Selfish Machine.

"Why can't you go get the liquor, why have I got to go?" I sound like a whiny ten year old.

"Because Tony and Hime are helping me make this place party worthy, so while we do that you can go get some alcohol" he pats my head and walks away, ensuring I can't argue—well I could argue but it would be an argument with myself or the air because he's not even within earshot anymore—I groan and roll out of bed, stretching my limbs—ah!

"Mom has been gone for four and half hours and Mike already has an agenda to turn the house upside down, great" I mutter to myself, looking for my vans.

---

Thump thump thump thump!

The music is at an ear splitting volume, the floor is vibrating underneath my feet and I can feel the bass pounding in my chest. It reminds me of all the gigs we've done and along with that memory comes a whole new wave of emptiness. I knock back a shot of Jameson as the feeling inhabits me, slowly travelling through my veins really digging it's nails into me; making me numb and hollow.

A girl stumbles and falls backwards into me, I instinctively hold my hands out in front of me, stopping her from going any further and protecting myself from being slammed into.

"Take it easy" I laugh and the girl spins round, wobbling

"Sooorry" she slurs and then giggles "Hey you're cute" she smiles drunkenly, her head lolling from side to side as if she has no control over its movements.

"Uh..." I reply, not really sure what to say. She just giggles for a few minutes and I wish I could feel that weightless happiness, but alcohol just amplifies how awful I feel, making it even more intense—yeah like I need that.

"You were iiin a bannnd" she slurs, her eyes half closed. I just shook my head, not wanting to think about that.

Mike comes and puts his arm around my shoulders "Little baby brotherrrr" he's really drunk "Enjoy yourself for fuck sake" he smiles lazily, the alcohol clearly affecting how efficient his movements are. The urge to punch the smile off of his face returns and its holding hands with guilt—I shouldn't think like that—I shake my head, ridding myself of the negative thoughts. "Some chick was just asking for you by the way" he manages to say before well and truly passing out on me whilst we are both stood up. He's really heavy but I manage to drag him over to the couch and lay him down (onto his side in case he pukes in his sleep, I don't want him to choke on his vomit)

"Vic!" A familiar voice shouts my name over the deafening music. I spin round, matching the familiar voice to a familiar and beautiful face. Hazel.

"Hazel!" I shout back and give her a shy hug

"I'm here to rescue your ass" she smiles cheekily

"There's nothing wrong with my ass. However my brain is a little fuzzy" I reply jokingly

"Ah, that will be the Jameson. That stuff slowly turns your brain to mush" she points to the the empty bottle of Jameson in my hand. I laugh and put the bottle on the table, along with my confidence.

Fall Out Boy 'Dance Dance' begins to blast from the speakers. Yes I love this song.

"Dance with me" she yells over the intro and grabs both my hands in an attempt to drag me to the 'dancefloor' which is basically the whole living room (Mike removed literally all the furniture from the living room for this party) I shake my head with a laugh.

"I don't dance" I dismissively reply. I swear I see danger and that same flash of excitement I saw in the coffee shop flash in her eyes, but the lighting is very low, I could be wrong.

"Come on, please? You've ignored my texts for days you owe me!" She pulls on my hands again, encouraging me to move. She's right, I haven't seen her since we were at the coffee shop together (which was five days ago) and she's text me a few times and I haven't replied to any of her texts. I just haven't felt like communicating since the funeral. I invited her here tonight because I feel terrible and I know being around her cheers me up.

Such a Selfish Machine.

Somehow she manages to convince me to dance. She moves to the music with easy grace, swaying her hips slightly with a huge smile on her face. Somehow seeing her happy makes me happy.

She looks beautiful, a simple black dress clings to her at the waist, it ends just above the knee and she's complimented it with some burgundy heels and accessories, her hair is curled and her full bangs have grown out a little and shes pushed them to the side, they ever so slightly hide her right eye. No make up on either. She looks better than anyone else here.

"You look beautiful" I blurt. She cants her head to the side and smirks.

"You're really cute when you're accidentally honest"

I don't even know what happens next, everything just slips slowly away and I feel a pull towards her, like we're magnetic.

I find my lips entwined with hers, my hands snake around her waist as I lose myself in the kiss. My tongue enters her mouth at its own accord and her tongue slowly works with mine, deepening the kiss. Her hands are in my hair and I swear she smiles mid-kiss but I'm too lost to be certain of anything.

Someone whistles and it snaps me out of this trance and brings me back to earth—slightly tongue tied. Lots of pairs of eyes are on us and people are smiling, Jaime gives me an admiring nod. Hazel blushes whilst giggling at how we have assembled an audience. I try to gather my scattered thoughts.

"Wow." I finally manage to say "And you say Jameson turns people's brains to mush" I smile wide. Genuinely wide.