Are We Losing, or Beginning?

I put my elbows on the counters and leaned into my arms with a huff. It was the middle of summer, and here I was stuck inside a sticky pizza parlor, making minimum wage, although I couldn’t complain about the tips. Livin’ the life.

Business was pretty slow. The place I worked at wasn’t exactly in the best spot. Since it was summer, most people hung out around the beach, but this place, called Lenny’s, was a good thirty minutes away from the coast. There were plenty of other pizza places people could go to that were more convenient from the beach. Friday and Saturday nights were pretty busy, though.

But tonight was just a Monday. We usually got three customers total on Mondays; it was a complete drag. I doodled imaginary drawings with my fingertip on top of the counter.

I looked up when there was a quick ring, indicating that someone had walked into the shop. I smiled at the person walking in—on Tuesday’s my mom was one of the three people to come through.

“Hey mama,” I unslouched myself and walked around the counter, giving her a hug.

“How’s it going tonight?” she asked, rubbing my back. I shrugged my shoulders.

“Slow, as usual.”

“Do you have plans for after work? What time do you get off?”

“Ten,” I said. “And no, I don’t.” My mom gave me that sympathetic look, the kind that made me feel guilty for not having anything to do. I’d rather force myself into human interaction than face that look she gives me.

“I don’t understand why you don’t call Casey, honey. You’ve done nothing all summer. I’m worried about you.”

“I’ve done things! I run everyday, I work a lot, and I’ve been writing a lot too. That’s what I want to do with my time. I’m fine,” I said.

“But what about Casey?”

“Mom,” I groaned.

“Clearly something happened. Her mom has called me a few times worried, too. What’s going on?”

“She’s just a bitch, okay?!” I exclaimed, exasperated. My mom’s eyes widened. We sat down at a table together. I sighed, resting my head on the table.

“What happened? I'm sure it’s fixable, you girls always have fights that blow over—”

“Not this time, mom.”

“You say that every time,” she reminded me gently.

“I know. But this time she crossed a line and I don’t need that toxicity in my life,” I said, leaning back in my chair and crossing my arms over my chest.

“Well, can I at least know what happened?”

I sighed. “She was just really harsh about the whole warped tour thing,” I said.

“But she got to go with you?”

“Yeah, well she was mad about my accidental three extra days,” I said. “And she said some nasty stuff that you don’t need to hear. And I’m not going to forgive her for that right now because I’m sick of being walked all over,” I said, determined.

“Aw, honey, I’m sorry to hear that,” she frowned.

“Yeah, well,” I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s over. It’s fine. Whatever.” Her frown deepened.

“I always knew she was a little too immature sometimes,” she chimed.

“Mom!” I laughed, shaking my head. I sighed again. “Anyway. Want some pizza or anything?” I asked. She shook her head.

“No, I ate with your father earlier.”

“Oh, okay. Where is he anyway?”

“He left for New York about an hour ago.” I nodded.

“Alright, well…” I looked around the shop. It was nearing nine o’clock which meant me and my coworker, Samantha, had to start closing. “I guess I should get back to it,” I said.

“Okay sweetie, I’ll see you when you get home?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okay. Walk safely. Or do you want me to come get you?”

“Nah, it’s just a mile. I’ll be fine,” I said. Since my accident, I haven’t driven once. I either let my mom drive me somewhere if we needed to go somewhere far, or I walked. Work was only a mile away from my house, and even though it passed through some weird streets, it wasn’t that bad of a walk. Especially because it gave me nice time to listen to music and enjoy the night weather. I loved San Diego but the daytime could get a little brutal. I loved summer nights so much. Sometimes I wished I had someone to share them with, but I really was okay on my own.

Samantha and I held light conversation once my mom left and we started closing. “Do you need to leave early again, Sam?” I asked, just out of thoughtfulness because she had a curfew to be home by but a boyfriend to see so of course I was going to help her out a bit.

“No, I’m good, but thanks Savi,” she said, spraying the glass that separated us from customers with Windex to clean.

“Okay!” I said. We didn’t talk that much more. Usually by the end of the night I was pretty quiet—exhausted and not having any words to say anyway. I thought quietly to myself as I did my part in closing the shop. I felt my phone buzz in my back pocket but my hands were wet from doing dishes. I smiled, though, hoping and figuring that it was Vic. We didn’t talk a lot but he always managed to send me a message everyday, which made me really happy. I was afraid and almost expecting him to forget about me for the entire summer. Not in a bad way, even, just because I know they’re busy and he’d get caught up in band responsibilities. It made me happy that I crossed his mind amongst his hectic days enough to keep in touch. I was also afraid that as more time passed in the summer I would lose my feelings for him. To my surprise, though, I have actually started to like him more. He was super sweet and funny and I felt like he genuinely cared about me. If anything, I knew we were all friends at the very least and that made me happy enough.

“Have a nice night Savannah!” Sam said. “Are you sure you don’t want a ride home?” she asked worriedly. I smiled and shook my head.

“No, thank you, it’s a nice night, I like walking. I appreciate it though,” I said. She nodded, smiled, and waved again before zipping out of the parking lot to head home.

The air was warm. It made me feel a little happy. It also sent an ache through my chest because it was the perfect “holding hand” weather, if that was even a thing. I shook the thought out of my head and sighed, putting in my headphones and turning on my music.

I quietly hummed along as I walked back. I was feeling a little down so I walked extra slow so I didn’t have to be home so soon.

The whole thing about not letting other people dictate your happiness and that you should just be okay with yourself was absolute bullshit in my opinion. Being lonely fucking sucked and it didn’t help anyone mentally. I couldn’t be okay on my own because when I was on my own, thoughts ate me alive. I needed people.

Vic’s message to me today was just simply asking how I was doing. I didn’t text him back because I didn’t know what to say and I knew he’d probe if I simply said “good.” I hated covering up how I truly felt. I hated a lot of things.

I hated that my best friend wasn’t a nice person, I hated that I didn’t have anyone else to hang out with because all of my other high school friends stopped talking to me when I got depressed at the end of junior year (my fault though because I shut them out). I hated that I worked in a stupid pizza shop barely making above minimum wage. I hated that I wasn’t even moving out for college. I hated my career path—a marketing major—because all I wanted to do was write books but of course that wasn’t a rational career choice. I hated how cloudy my head was—no, I hated how cloudy the world seemed around me. I felt so disconnected from it. I hated how I felt like just a spectator in everything I did, like I wasn’t an actual participating member of society, just someone passively floating by. I hated the feeling I was experiencing—the sinking feeling. Also the feeling of wanting to punch and destroy something. I wanted to destroy something so badly. I hated that the first thing that popped into my head at the thought of destruction was myself. I hated that that wasn’t a possibility. I hated that I wanted it but I knew if I let myself have it I would hate myself a lot more.

I sighed heavily and ran my fingers through my hair. My eyes were burning, tears building up. I just wanted someone to lay with for a while and let me be upset but be understanding about it.

I looked down at my phone. It was already eleven o’clock at night—I had two texts from my mom asking where I was, worried. I texted her back an apology and said I was still walking around because I was on the phone. With that, I bit on my lip and hovered over Vic’s name. What would he be doing right now? Was he at a party? Was he driving to the next tour date? Could he be asleep already? If I called, would he even pick up?

I didn’t know what was getting into me but for some reason I had the courage to press the call button. My heart pounded the entire time it rang. To my surprise, he answered pretty quickly.

“Savannah!” he cheered excitedly into the phone. I couldn’t tell if he was intoxicated or just simply excited that I called.

“Hey, Vic,” I said. I didn’t realize how sad I had let myself feel tonight until I spoke out loud.

“Woah, Savi, you don’t sound too good. Are you okay?” he asked. I couldn’t hear any voices around him but there was a consistent heavy rumbling noise, like the sound of a bus on a highway. They were probably on the road.

“Um,” I bit my lip and sighed a little. What was I doing? “I don’t know why I called.” I felt a little stupid. “I’m just feeling really… just sort of sad… and I didn’t know who else to talk to,” I said lowly. I pulled the phone away from my face a little so I could cry without him hearing.

“Aw, Savannah… I’m glad you called then,” he said easily. He definitely was sober, his voice even and soothing. “What’s wrong babe?” he asked. I was feeling so bad now that I didn’t even react to the ‘babe.’

I bit my lip again. A hot tear slipped down my cheek. “I, uh, I just didn’t have that good of a day,” I started quietly—or week, for the matter. “Nothing specifically is wrong. I’m just a lil’ down,” I shrugged my shoulders as if he’d be able to see. I felt a little embarrassed now that we were on the phone talking. It wasn’t like he’d be able to do anything to help, and even if he were here, why would he?

“I wish I was there or you were here, Savi, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well,” he said sadly.

“Er—it’s okay, um, I’m sorry for bothering—”

“Hey don’t even go there! You can call me anytime you need to talk, and the only reason I wouldn’t answer would be because I’m busy playing a show or something like that. I’m happy you called because I want to be there for you even when we’re not together,” he said gently. I smiled a little.

“Thanks, Vic. I guess I just feel kind of lame because I have no one else here that I feel comfortable enough with to talk to… I dunno,” I said weakly. I got back to my house and walked in quietly. Mom was watching TV on the couch and I waved to her a little, showing her that I was on the phone. She smiled and gave me a thumbs up. I jogged up to my room quickly and locked my door.

“I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to talk to me though. You’re not lame whatsoever. And guess what? We don’t have a show tomorrow so we can talk all night if you want or need to,” he said. I grinned a little and blushed, glad he couldn’t see that. I walked over to my window and opened it up, the warm air rushing in. I had a roof outside of my window so I climbed out and sat on the shingles. I did this a lot when I was feeling off. Mostly every night I sat out here for at least twenty minutes.

“Thanks Vic, that really means a lot,” I said quietly.

“Of course Savi. So tell me, what’s buggin’ ya?” he asked.

“I think I really just needed to hear a friendly voice,” I said.

“Oh… is Casey being nasty again?”

“No, no, we just haven’t talked all summer. I really only talk to my mom and the people I work with… not the same as a friend…” I said.

“Oh, I see,” he said. “Lonely…” he added quietly. I bit my lip. I didn’t want him to feel bad or guilty for that. It was just the honest truth.

“But it’s okay,” I rushed in. “Um, what’s up with you?” I asked.

“Nothing much, we’re actually almost in Massachusetts!” he said excitedly.

“Oh awesome! How was yours today?” I asked.

“It was killer. We’ve never played in Canada before. Toronto was awesome. We’re so tired though. We’ve never traveled to so many different cities in such a short period time before! I’m dead.”

“Oh gosh, I didn’t even realize! How many hours ahead are you from the west coast right now?” I asked guiltily.

“Oh, um… it’s like two-thirty in the morning…so I’m like three hours ahead of ya,” he said. “But don’t worry about it, babe, I’ve been up to keep Himes company while he drives and plus I’m all pumped up. We were just in freakin’ Canada!” he exclaimed.

I smiled. “Okay, if you say so… Canada, eh?” He laughed loudly. “Crazy tour life you got there,” I said with another smile, looking into the night sky. I traced my fingertip along the rough edges of the shingles as I sat on the roof. I was already feeling a lot better, more at peace. “I bet it’s awesome though, your dreams coming true and stuff.”

“Yeah,” he said thoughtfully. “I wouldn’t trade it for the world. We’ve met some cool people along the way, too. Like this guy named Adam Elmakias, he’s a photographer but also a really nice dude. He took some sick shots of us this tour. And the other bands are great. And also this cute girl I met at the beginning of the summer, she’s really awesome and definitely made the summer even better than it already was,” he said, his voice sly at the end as he flirted. I giggled a little.

“You’re too much,” I grinned. He chuckled.

We casually talked on the phone for another hour or so, which was nice because I didn’t have to think too much. This was what I needed—an actual conversation with someone I could consider a real friend. He asked me about what I have been up to in my free time and at first I thought I would sound pathetic—because I have literally done nothing but sleep, run, work, and write all summer. He seemed genuinely interested in the fact that I was writing, though, and asked a lot of questions. It made me feel like I was actually productive all summer instead of just laying around.

He yawned, making me yawn too. “You feeling okay, Savi?” he asked, his voice sleepy yet concerned.

“Yes, I am. Thanks Vic,” I said. I climbed back into my room, closing my window.

“Good. Hang in there okay?”

“I will,” I said. I slipped into my bed, curling up with Jeffry the Unicorn and Cact-guy. “I’ll let you go, then,” I said.

“Sleep well, Savannah,” he said gently. I smiled.

“You too,” I murmured. The moment we hung up my phone slipped out of my fingertips, landing next to me on the mattress. My eyes fell quickly, but as I started to fall asleep, my smile didn’t.

Notes