“Hey, are you Sam?” A long finger was pointed right up in my face. I backed away slowly and stared at the man who had his finger still stretched out in my direction. He took a seat across from me.

"Who wants to know?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. His long, tattooed arms crossed his chest as he leaned back in his seat a bit. I looked over to see if there were any other tables available under the catering tent, but they were all full and I didn't see anyone else I recognized.

"I'm Austin," he said with a toothy grin.“Carlile,” he clarified. His raspy voice had me intrigued, but his body language was throwing me off. He seemed confident, yet shy about certain things. "And you're that Sam girl that the Pierce the Veil guys haven’t shut up about for the last two weeks. Well, that Vic hasn’t shut up about.” He smiled at his own correction but placed a hand loosely over his mouth as he did. I wanted to pull his hand away.

"Yeah, I'm Sam," I said while turning my attention back down to the food in front of me. It was an interesting combination of foods: pasta, dry chicken, beans, and a bag of chips. I picked a scoop of beans up with my spoon and watched them as I spilled them back into the slop on my plate. I dropped my spoon, letting it land sloppily across my plate. I wasn't hungry anymore.

"Wanna go get some real food? How about sushi, do you like sushi?"

I blinked a bit before looking at the watch on my left hand. I could probably afford to disappear for an hour to eat. It was nearing the end of the night and things were running pretty smoothly. Austin had me intrigued, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to get to know him more.

"Sushi's good," I replied with a shrug and a smile. "You're paying," I said with a slight head nod toward him.

"Of course," he said as he placed a hand over his chest.

I followed Austin through the venue until we eventually were over by the buses.

"So is this your first year working warped?" Austin asked as we were weaving through the buses to get to the back entrance of the venue.

I laughed a bit. "No," I said. "I used to work with warped back when I was eighteen and then stopped when I turned twenty-four. I just started working here again last summer."

"Oh damn, so you're a warped veteran," Austin laughed a bit. "How old are you then?"

"I'm twenty-eight," I laughed. "I know I'm old."

"Yeah you are!" Austin laughed and threw his hand over his mouth as he did. "I'm sorry, you're not that old. I'm just messing with you. You look like you're maybe twenty-two."

"Oh, well thank you," I replied. “How old are you?”

“I’m twenty-five,” he said proudly. “You don’t happen to go for younger guys, do you?” he asked with a smirk and raised eyebrows.

At first I thought that he was kidding, but the way he looked at me told me that he was really coming on to me. “Well that all depends,” I shrugged. “Do you happen to go for older women?”

Austin rolled his lips together, catching his bottom lip between his teeth as his mouth slightly opened for a smile. “I guess you’ll just have to see about that,” he said before turning his gaze forward.

-

Austin pressed his body firmly against mine as his lips hungrily enveloped my own. He shoved me up against the wall as his hands roamed my body. I kept my arms around his neck with my hands laced together behind his head so he couldn’t get a hold of them. He moved his neck down so he was kissing my neck. He picked me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried us onto the bus and set us down on the couch.

Instead of letting him remove my clothes, I began to remove my own so he would do the same for himself. I couldn’t risk my hands coming in contact with his bare skin. Austin was a charmer, and it didn’t take too much for me to give in to his flirtatious comments and sexy smile. I wasn’t normally like this – I didn’t sleep around, but today was an off day. I still hadn’t shared myself since him.

I tried not to think about him as Austin dipped his hips down, immediately hitting a spot deep inside me that I had forgot even existed. I kept one hand underneath my body, and my other gripping at the couch cushion beside me as Austin’s hips expertly brought pleasure to my body. I bucked my hips up, rolling them to meet each of his thrusts.

“Fuck, Sam, you’re so sexy,” Austin growled as he pulled me up on the couch so I was straddling him. He placed his hands on my hips and I gripped onto the frame of the couch that was behind Austin’s head. My chest was near his face, and he took advantage of this by pulling my left nipple into his mouth as I took over the situation.

His hips quickly joined in on the motion, thrusting up to meet my hips at a much rougher impact than I could manage. He moved quickly, and I hated how everything reminded me too much of a one-night stand. I knew it was horrible of me to hook up with Austin after only knowing him for a few hours, and I was already feeling guilty, and I hadn’t even climaxed yet.

I was slowly starting to get turned off as Austin seemed to be enjoying himself more and more as the moment went on. I wanted to stop – this was all wrong. I shouldn’t have ever accepted Austin’s flirtatious comments. I should have turned him down and made sure that he knew that I wasn’t interested in a relationship.

But this wasn’t a relationship, so what was the big deal? I felt like I was cheating, even though I technically wasn’t even in a relationship, I still felt wrong doing this. I wasn’t a hook-up kind of girl; I was a relationship kind of girl.

Austin reached up and began to rub my center when he noticed that I wasn’t as close as he was. The feeling was annoying at first and I wasn’t enjoying it because I was too fed up in my guilt, but I slowly allowed myself to enjoy the situation. It was already happening – there was no use in forcing myself to not enjoy the pleasure. I began moaning loudly as Austin continued to pleasure me immensely. I felt my stomach tighten and burn as Austin hit his hips hard with mine a few more times. The tension released and I shuddered against Austin as he continued to move. He pulled out of me quickly, and for a moment I didn’t know if I should suck him off, or let him finish on my stomach.

I decided to quickly get down on my knees and take him into my mouth to avoid the mess of the alternative option. He finished into my mouth, and I swallowed quickly. But I couldn’t swallow my guilt along with it.

“Thanks, Sam,” Austin said after we had gotten dressed. He stood at the top of the bus stairs and leaned against the door-frame as I walked down the steps.

Thanks? I scoffed at his comment as I walked away, feeling his eyes staring through me as I walked away. Did he seriously thank me for that?

That’s when it was too much to handle. My hands were shaking and the tears swelled over the brim of my eyes, pouring down onto my face like a rainfall. That was not what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to be a piece of meat – I wanted to be appreciated.

It was nearing night-time now. I had turned off my radio hours ago, which would probably get me in a lot of trouble later on, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be radioed in while I was out with Austin, but now I was regretting that decision. I should have left my radio on so I could have used it as an excuse to get out of there before things went too far. But at the time, I wanted to go that far. I wanted to have sex, but now I knew that I didn’t want sex with Austin. I wanted to have sex with him. It had been four years since I was with him; he was the one I was craving.

I was a crying mess, wandering around the bus lot with nothing but my thoughts and my shadow for company. People were starting to hang out around the buses now that the venue was closing. It was a Sunday, June Thirtieth to be exact, and our next show wasn’t until July third, Wednesday. We were currently in Denver, Colorado and our next show was fifteen hours away in Indianapolis, Indiana. In other words, nobody was in a rush to leave since we had at least forty-eight hours before we needed to arrive at the next venue.

I was dodging contact with anybody I knew – walking the long way around the buses instead of cutting through and risking coming in contact with someone while they were exiting or entering their bus. I didn’t want to go back to the crew’s bus because I knew that everybody would question me and I would most likely get in trouble for ignoring my radio all day. I wouldn’t get fired over something like this, but I would get in trouble for sure since it was very out of character for me to be so unprofessional. In more way than one.

I decided that I wanted company. I needed somebody to just sit with me while I cried and maybe blubbered on about nothing that made sense. I knew just the person. I pulled out my phone and immediately dialed his number.

I waited through each of the rings, but there was no answer. I sighed and pushed my phone away.

“Samia!” I turned my head at the sound of my full name, knowing exactly who it was because only a few people called me by it – those people usually being warped veterans that I have known since I first started here.

I turned around and smiled widely at Jack Barakat who was holding his arms up in the air while excitedly walking over to me. He carefully wrapped his arms around me in a strong hug while I kept mine firmly planted at my sides.

“How are you?” he asked happily. He pulled away to look at me, and I tried to move my head, but he caught my chin with his left hand and slowly examined the tear tracks on my cheeks. His face fell. I hated to see such a happy person look so sad. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing, Jack-o,” I said happily. I sniffled a bit and gave him a large smile. “Just thinking about the past.”

“I have something that can make you forget all about it,” he said with a wink. He disappeared for a moment and then returned holding a bottle of what used to be my favorite liquor of choice: Cherry-Spiced Rum. I imagined the feeling of it burning down my throat. The dark liquor running through my veins as my mouth tasted of cherries and something stronger. No. I had to stop thinking like that. There was a reason I stopped drinking. Horrible things happened when I drank, and I vowed to myself that they wouldn’t happen ever again.

“It’s all for youuuuu,” Jack said, his words were taunting me as he held the bottle, slightly shaking it from side to side in front of me. He set the bottle down on the ground and took a step away from it. “I’ll just leave that there for you. I have to head out, though. Have fun!” he gave me a wink before turning away quickly.

Surely I couldn’t just leave this full bottle of liquor here, right? No, Samia, do not touch the bottle. It’s been four years since you’ve drank. Remember what happened the last time you got drunk. Never again. You promised. Never again.

I shook my head from side to side and stared down at my scarred hands. The scars were never going to fade. They were welted and gray against my tan skin – clearly visible even at a quick glance.

Those are there because of your drinking.

I looked down at the bottle and then back down at my hands. I’ll just…pick it up to put it somewhere safer. Yeah, that’s right. I reached down and as soon as my hands clasped around the handle, I knew that it was glued to that spot and there was no letting go. I hungrily unscrewed the cap and pulled the bottle up to my lips. I hesitated just for a moment. I closed my eyes shut as tight as I could, almost to the point where I felt like my eyelashes were going to snap from the creasing.

I took in a deep breath, exhaled, and pulled the bottle vertical. I chugged the bottle in a deathly manner – alcohol was not made to be chugged like water for a reason, and that reason was alcohol poisoning or death. Hopefully for me it would be death.

-

I knocked on the bus door harder. I could hear the music coming from inside – I knew that they were in there. They were always in their bus partying with each other. They didn’t spend too much of their time out and about after hours, and that was another reason why I loved these guys so much. They were like a family, and this bus was their home. They were all a bunch of family-oriented guys – always spending time with each other at home; even on party nights.

“Vic!” I shouted loudly. I heard the music turn down a bit. “Vic! It’s Samiaaaaaaaa, openthe-door!” I was slurring and acting ridiculous. I hated the way I acted while I was drunk. It was like I was aware of my actions and totally conscious of everything around me. I knew what was right and what was wrong, but I never bothered to stop myself from acting like a fool. No matter how hard I tried, the alcohol swayed my decisions and altered everything.

The door opened and Vic stood there holding a red cup in his hands. The smile on his face faded when he saw me standing there. Well, trying to stand there. Vic knew that I didn’t drink. He didn’t know why, and it was better that way, but he still knew that it was something that I firmly believed was better off for me. I could only imagine what was going through his mind at the sight of me standing on his bus steps with an empty bottle of Rum stuck in my right hand and my eyes red and swollen from my crying. My hair was greasy from the sweat that my sex with Austin had produced and my clothes were dirty from wandering around the dirt lot for hours.

I wanted Vic to say something, but he didn’t. He studied over my features and gave me a worried look. I was about to open my mouth to say something, but I felt my head growing heavier and heavier. It began to weigh me down. My vision began to blotch – black circles were covering Vic’s face and my ears muted over just a bit. I felt myself falling backwards, my foot missing the step when I tried to balance myself.

I was expecting to hit the ground, or roll down the small bus steps, but Vic reached out, dropping his red cup as his left hand wrapped around the wrist to the hand that was still holding onto the liquor bottle, and his right hand clutched onto my left hand. Our palms touched and he tightened his hand around mine. I immediately woke up from my blacking out and let out the loudest scream I could muster. My high-pitched screamed disturbed the night and I even heard a few birds fly away from the trees around us, startled and ruffling their feathers.

Flashbacks were fighting their way into my brain – cars passing, lights flashing, glass, tires screeching…his screams…

“Samia!” Vic called out as he quickly pulled me into his arms so I would stop falling backward. We fell in the other direction instead – we landed inside of his bus as I continued to scream. I stopped for a moment and took a deep breath before trying to scream again, but all that came out were whimpers and breathless sobs.

I ripped my hand away from his and scurried away from him, crawling back until I was up against the driver’s seat of the bus. I cowered away even more, hiding myself away from him and everyone else. I ducked below the dashboard and curled up beside the gas pedals of the bus. I looked up and saw the steering wheel staring right at me. My hands burned as more flashbacks were attacking me.

I crawled out from there and went over to the passenger’s side inside, cowering away and pulling my knees to my chest. The liquor bottle was still attached to my palm, but my empty hand felt violated and was burning – the fresh was crawling – from Vic’s touch. My body began to violently shake.

“Don’t worry, babyyyy,” I slurred. “Igotthis,” I said all too quickly. I shook my head, mixing the alcohol together in my brain, forming an entirely new mixed drink that seemed to intoxicate my motor skills even more. I stuck the keys into the ignition and turned the car on, immediately rolling down the windows for some fresh air.

“I trust you, baby-girl,” he smiled widely. He spit out the window and groaned. “I hate drinking.”

“Me, too,” I admitted with a sigh. We resorted to drinking far too much.

“Let’s never drink again, okay?”

I laughed at his words. He was just drunk and saying stupid shit. There was no way we could give up drinking.

I began to pull away from the party, immediately sobering up just enough to be able to drive. I pulled onto the freeway and began barreling down the slow lane. We only lived two exits away, so there was no use in trying to get over to the fast lane. The faster I went, the faster I could get there to get off the main road and get away from the risk of getting yet another DUI.

“I’m serious,” he said with a slight smile, but his eyes were very serious. “Let’s stop. We obviously have a problem.”

“I know.”

“Then promise me,” he said. “Promise me that after today, we will go get help and never drink like this again.”

“I promise,” I said.

“What’s wrong with her?” Tony asked in a hushed tone. I could hear them talking only a few feet away from me. They were all clearly intoxicated. How come everybody but me knew how to control their drinking?

You promised, Samia. You shouldn’t be drinking at all.

“I don’t know,” Vic said in a whisper. “I think…I think she’s drunk.”

“Drunk? No, she doesn’t drink,” Jaime said.

Vic sighed. “She’s more than drunk. She’s wasted. She’s holding an empty bottle of Rum.”

“Why was she screaming?” Mike asked.

Vic was silent for a moment and I was curious to hear how he was going to respond. The other guys knew that I had a problem with my hands, but none of them knew how bad it was. Vic didn’t even know…until now, at least. But nobody knew why.

“I…I grabbed her hand,” Vic said lowly.

Jaime let out a frustrated sigh and somebody let out a gasp – I think it was Tony. My hand was still burning, and hearing them talk about my hands made it sting even more. No, it didn’t literally burn, but in my mind – the pain of the contact was unbearable. My hands were poison – bad things have happened in their grip.

I didn’t even really know why I was such a mess. There was no way it was just because I had slept with Austin. But that seemed to be what triggered all of this. It was my past. My past always haunted me. It was buried deeper now, but the triggers were still there – waiting for me to uncover them. And today, having sex with Austin, was just a trigger to the flooding flashbacks that would shoot through my brain. I would much rather it be a bullet at this point.

I slowly crawled out of the space that I was hiding it while I wiped the tears away from my eyes. I pushed my hair back, hoping it wasn’t as bad as I was imagining it was. The bottle was still in my right hand and I just couldn’t get myself to let go of it. I felt attached to this bottle – like it was directly connected to my past somehow. And that if I let it go, I was letting him go, too.

“Sam?” Vic asked quietly. “It’s okay, come on over,” he cooed. I felt like a scared puppy that he was trying to call over to him. I curled up at his feet, pulling my knees back up to my chest. I felt so little – not only physically but also mentally. I was so far beneath them. I was twenty-eight years old and still acting like a drunken teenage girl.

Vic reached down and I immediately backed myself up a good two feet at the fight of his hands. My palm burned again and I looked away quickly.

“I’m sorry, Sam, I didn’t mean to grab your hand,” Vic said sweetly. I knew that he didn’t mean to startle me, but it was still the most ridiculous thing to hear. Of course he meant to grab my hand, because it was a normal thing to do, but I just wasn’t normal.

I nodded anyway and Vic sat down beside me, careful not to let out arms touch.

“Are you okay?” Tony asked quietly. He shifted around a bit and fumbled with the hat on his head. “I mean like…did something happen?”

I held up the bottle and sat it on top of knees, displaying for all of them to see. “Life happened,” I said calmly. “And liquor.”

My voice was raspy. I didn’t even recognize it anymore. My throat was supposed to be burning from the amount of alcohol I had consumed – that I knew for sure. But I didn’t feel a thing. I felt like I could keep drinking. I almost wanted to call out ‘get me another bottle!’ but I bit my tongue instead.

“Sam, you’re bleeding!” Mike nearly shouted as he pointed at my face. I felt the blood trickling from the corner of my mouth.

I bit my tongue too hard. Guess I couldn’t feel my tongue, either.

“Let’s get you to the bathroom,” Vic said quickly. He stood up and gently reached out to grab onto my arm and help me up, but I jumped away from him.

“I-I can do it,” I said softly. I didn’t want him to touch me. It was nothing against Vic, it was just my initial reaction since his hand had touched mine. I was afraid that my poison was going to infect him and if I touched him anymore he would drop dead.

I followed Vic into the bathroom and he shut the door behind us. I looked into the mirror. I was even worse than I thought. My roots were greasy and the tips of my hair were frizzy and tangled. My eyes were drooping from the alcohol. My eyelids were swollen from crying so much. I was surprised I could even see from how swollen and droopy they were. The redness had consumed my entire face because of the alcohol and the crying. Black was smudged all along my bottom lash-line. Remnants of makeup could even be seen near my chin – flecks of my mascara had been carried by the stream of my tears.

“Let go of the bottle,” Vic said. He tugged on the bottle a bit, but I gently slid it away from him on the counter. It screeched against the counter-top. I was too weak to lift the glass anymore. “Sam…let go. It’s empty, there’s nothing left there.”

He was right, there was nothing left there. I stared at the bottle for a long while. My past was empty now. All of the people that were in it were gone. But that was all my fault. They either wanted nothing to do with me or were…

“Please,” Vic whispered. “Samia, let go of the bottle.”

I sighed and released the bottle. Vic moved his hand out to grab it from me, and my stupid instincts caused my hand to jerk away quickly, knocking the glass bottle off of the counter. I froze as the glass shattered against the ground.

The glass of the windshield blew out, causing my eardrums to burst at the sudden sound. I let out a shriek, but I couldn’t hear anything but pain. I felt like I was hearing pain as my body spun wildly. My hands went in front of my face to block the impact of the glass, my palms were out and I could feel the shards digging into my skin as the screaming slowly started to tune its way back into my eardrums.

The sound of glass shattering and crunching was all I could hear through the screaming that was slowly consuming my senses. The shards were still flying toward my face, but my hands blocked the majority of the piercing shards, only a few managed to poke their way into the flesh of my face.

The screaming stopped and I was now alone – swirling through the air. I clutched onto the steering wheel tighter, hoping that maybe the movement would stop. I screamed out in pain as the steering wheel pushed the glass further into my palms. The swirling soon stopped as my head flew forward and my forehead cracked against the steering wheel and then nothing. No noise. No pain. No thoughts. Just nothing.

Notes

Sorry it took me a while to update this.
What do you guys think about this? What about Samia's flashbacks? What about her hook-up with Austin? I love to hear your thoughts / predictions / opinions / reactions!

AND WOW HOLY POOP YOU GUYS! Only one chapter and already 44 subscribers! WTF WOW. You're all so amazing. I'm glad you like this already because I really love this story. I've never written anything like it before. :)

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