When You Can't Sleep at Night
8
"We're in!" Jaime exclaimed, grinning like a fool.
I felt my heart beat faster, this was really happening. I was in a band with Vic and Mike and Jaime. I couldn't help but also worry at the same time. I was sure that Vic knew who I was. What if he told Mike? Would he hate me? Would he avoid me?
"Is something wrong Tone?" Jaime asked, "You don't seem excited..."
"No, I'm fine!" I said, smiling at him, "I just needed a minute to let it all sink in. I can't believe we actually made it!"
Should I tell Jaime what's going on? Or should I leave it until I figure out exactly what's going on myself? I quickly decided on the latter; for all I know, they might not care about our past.
"We're meeting Vic and Mike, that's his brother's name, at their apartment in an hour to go over some stuff," Jaime said, he seemed so excited. I couldn't really blame him though, this is some exciting shit.
"What about Trigger?" I asked, hesitantly.
"We were going to quit anyways..." Jaime said, "They'll find out eventually."
I couldn't help but laugh at that. He has a point though, we were going to quit... But I also felt guilty about just leaving these guys because something better came along. Even though Trigger was basically doomed anyways, but that doesn't change the fact that I'd known these guys since high school.
"Tony," Jaime said, sensing my distress, "We'll tell them about it when we get home tonight. We'll probably have to find somewhere else to live though... But that's not a big deal."
"Yeah," I agreed, "You're right."
That's one of the things I loved about Jaime, he's always optimistic. Which is good for someone like me, someone who is pessimistic. I can't help but wonder how I ended up like this. I used to be happy, I used to be optimistic. But, somewhere along the way, I lost that part of me. Whenever I try to think about a time I was happy, it all seems like a haze. The memories are there, they're just hard to replay, details were fuzzy, like opening your eyes underwater. You can still see, but it's not all there. My last clear memory is the memory of my first cut;
~
"Oh Tony," I recalled the voice from my dream saying, "You're pathetic. You can't feel emotion anymore. That is pathetic. Man up and deal with your emotions."
I stood, quivering over the tub. My nightmare devil was right, I can't feel anything anymore. I've been numb for months, and I can't help but feel bad for it. Even when my aunt died, I felt nothing. All I did was watch Austin lose it over his mother's grave. I fell to my knees, desperate to feel anything. I picked up my disposable razor and smashed it against the wall. It broke into many pieces, leaving each individual razor laying on the ground. I picked one of them up, and did the unthinkable.
I pressed it into my skin and pulled.
~
"Tony? TONY?" Jaime snapped his fingers, "You there man?"
"Oh, what? Yeah," I stammered, still hanging on the memory, "What did you say?"
"I said, we have to go soon to get to Vic's on time."
"Oh," I responded, sheepishly, "Let's go then."
I felt my heart beat faster, this was really happening. I was in a band with Vic and Mike and Jaime. I couldn't help but also worry at the same time. I was sure that Vic knew who I was. What if he told Mike? Would he hate me? Would he avoid me?
"Is something wrong Tone?" Jaime asked, "You don't seem excited..."
"No, I'm fine!" I said, smiling at him, "I just needed a minute to let it all sink in. I can't believe we actually made it!"
Should I tell Jaime what's going on? Or should I leave it until I figure out exactly what's going on myself? I quickly decided on the latter; for all I know, they might not care about our past.
"We're meeting Vic and Mike, that's his brother's name, at their apartment in an hour to go over some stuff," Jaime said, he seemed so excited. I couldn't really blame him though, this is some exciting shit.
"What about Trigger?" I asked, hesitantly.
"We were going to quit anyways..." Jaime said, "They'll find out eventually."
I couldn't help but laugh at that. He has a point though, we were going to quit... But I also felt guilty about just leaving these guys because something better came along. Even though Trigger was basically doomed anyways, but that doesn't change the fact that I'd known these guys since high school.
"Tony," Jaime said, sensing my distress, "We'll tell them about it when we get home tonight. We'll probably have to find somewhere else to live though... But that's not a big deal."
"Yeah," I agreed, "You're right."
That's one of the things I loved about Jaime, he's always optimistic. Which is good for someone like me, someone who is pessimistic. I can't help but wonder how I ended up like this. I used to be happy, I used to be optimistic. But, somewhere along the way, I lost that part of me. Whenever I try to think about a time I was happy, it all seems like a haze. The memories are there, they're just hard to replay, details were fuzzy, like opening your eyes underwater. You can still see, but it's not all there. My last clear memory is the memory of my first cut;
~
"Oh Tony," I recalled the voice from my dream saying, "You're pathetic. You can't feel emotion anymore. That is pathetic. Man up and deal with your emotions."
I stood, quivering over the tub. My nightmare devil was right, I can't feel anything anymore. I've been numb for months, and I can't help but feel bad for it. Even when my aunt died, I felt nothing. All I did was watch Austin lose it over his mother's grave. I fell to my knees, desperate to feel anything. I picked up my disposable razor and smashed it against the wall. It broke into many pieces, leaving each individual razor laying on the ground. I picked one of them up, and did the unthinkable.
I pressed it into my skin and pulled.
~
"Tony? TONY?" Jaime snapped his fingers, "You there man?"
"Oh, what? Yeah," I stammered, still hanging on the memory, "What did you say?"
"I said, we have to go soon to get to Vic's on time."
"Oh," I responded, sheepishly, "Let's go then."
Hehe keep reading it gets better
9/5/13