Vic dropped me off at school and I decided not to wait for Jaime or Tony today. People haven't bothered me for awhile, so it wasn't a big deal. I walked inside the school and went to go find Jaime and Tony. I looked around and I couldn't find them. The bell was about to ring anyways so I just decided to go to my locker and put my bag of tomorrow's clothes in it. I'm staying the night at Vic's again and I didn't want to have to go back to my house to get clothes. I shut my locker and headed towards my first period class when I was stopped by some random girls I haven't even seen before.

"Oh, whore-devore is wearing a dress today, huh?"

"She's making it easier for guys to get in her pants." one of them smirked.

"Okay, honestly, I don't even know you guys. So fucking leave me alone." I snapped.

"Oh shit, you're pissing her off." another one laughed.

"Yeah, you are. So fuck off, cunts." I spat.

"You're such a whore."

"Okay, tell me, how am I whore?" I asked. They all sat there looking at each other for a second.

"Exactly. No answer. Because I'm not a fucking whore. So leave me the fuck alone. Okay?" I said, pushing past them.

"You're a whore for hooking up with that Vic dude. Isn't he like 20?" one of them called.

"More like 30." another laughed. I turned around and walked right up to all of them.

"Hooking up? No. He's 20, so what? I'm 18. Who even told you that anyways?" I asked.

"You're uh, little loverboy right there." she said as Tony walked past us.

I was immediately filled with rage. I couldn't believe it. Tony was the only one who knew I had feelings for Vic besides Vic and I. It had to of been him. I turned back to the girls.

"When?"

"This morning. He's telling everybody."

I ran up in front of Tony and pushed him back with all my force into the wall. I was filled with rage and anger and every angry emotion there was.

"We need to talk. Now." He looked at me and furrowed his eyebrows, but nodded. We walked over into another hall and stopped.

"Why THE FUCK, are you telling people I'm hooking up with Vic?" I yelled.

"I'm not." he said, calmly.

"Alright, who's telling them then?"

"I don't know." he lied.

"Tony, I know it was you. You are the only one who knows about Vic and I. Why the fuck would you do this to me? Why?" I felt tears falling from my face.

"Because.... I don't know." he said. I just shook my head.

"You don't even have a good reason?" I snapped.

"It's not my fault you hooked up with Ethan and all of his friends and then Vic." he said.

I looked him in the eyes. He had no regret. I lifted up my hand and slapped him as hard as I could in the face. It was definitely a 5-star.

"Fuck you Tony." I yelled, running off. I ran into the bathroom and let all of my tears fall.

This couldn't be happening. One of the only people that cared about me, or so I thought, just fucked me over. What did I do to deserve this? Why am I being tortured here? And just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse, Aubrey walked into the bathroom.

"Pfft. Pathetic. Did you fuck another boy and then get dumped? Poor baby." she said, her voice filled with false sympathy.

"Aubrey, you don't even know me. Leave me the fuck alone." I said, hovering over the counter.

"Oh, but I do know you. I know you fucked Ethan and all of his friends. I know you've been fucking that Vic kid, and probably Tony too. You're just a useless, disgusting whore."

"Fuck you. You know nothing." I spat.

"I know that you cut yourself because of me and that you've tried killing yourself many times. I know all of your pathetic secrets, Carlee. Your little boyfriend told me all about it." she said, referring to Tony.

Fuck this, fuck school, fuck her, fuck people, fuck everything. I walked out of the bathroom and walked out of the school. I walked across the street into a gorge and sat down under a tree. I pulled out my pencil sharpener and picked up a rock, forcing one of the blades out. I pulled off my cardigan and put the blade to my wrist. I dragged it across, watching all of my blood flow out. It has been a month since I've done this.. I'm back to my lowest point.. I give up. I'm nothing, just a wasted soul. I layed back and let the blood trickle down my arm and into my hand. It felt amazing, to be honest. I forgot about everything. For a little while at least. I pulled out some wipes out of my bag and cleaned up my arm. It didn't stop bleeding though, so I let it bleed out, then I cleaned it up again. I dragged the blade across a couple more times, but less deep so there would be less blood. I cleaned my whole arm up and got up from the spot I was at. I put on my cardigan and disposed of my blade.

I walked back up the gorge, across the street and back into my school. I went into the bathroom until second period started. I walked into the classroom to see Tony holding an icepack up to his face.

I took my seat and immediately regretted choosing to sit next to him earlier in the year. I didn't say a word, instead I pulled out my journal and began drawing. It was some weird, distorted figure, it was dark and had blood trickling down from its arms. Its face was blank.

It was me.

I could see Tony glancing over at it so I turned so my back was facing him and continued to draw it out. There was a rope around its neck and it was hanging from a tree.

I finished shading it all in and turned back to face the table. I took one last look at it and then scribbled some words on it. I can't be saved.

I closed the book and put it back into my bag. As I was doing that, I looked at my cardigan and saw red start to seep through.

"Shit." I muttered. I raised my hand and asked to be excused.

"What for? We're in the middle of a lesson." My teacher said.

"Um.. It's an emergency." I wasn't going to say, "Oh, I went and cut myself and let myself bleed and didn't put anything over my cuts and now it's bleeding through my cardigan."

Everyone in the class turned to me now, including Tony. I looked over at him and he was staring directly at my wrist, his eyes going wide.

"Please, can I go?" I asked. The teacher extended her index finger and brought it back to herself a couple of times, motioning for me to come over to her. I got up and made my way to her desk, sticking my arm in my backpack so people couldn't see my blood.

"Are you okay?" she asked, concern in her voice.

"Uh.. yeah, I'm fine. I just need to go to the bathroom." I said. She looked down at my arm and nodded as if she knew.. I walked out of the room and ran into the bathroom, putting pressure on my wrist with some toilet paper. I walked into the office and got a few band-aids, then returned to the bathroom. The pain was finally catching up with me now. I wiped off some more blood and put the band-aids on. I took of my cardigan and washed the blood out of it by running it under the faucet. The blood wasn't completely gone, but it was definitely less noticeable. I threw it back on and walked out of the bathroom and back into class. Everyone was staring at me once again and I could feel my breathing get heavier. I hurried and sat back into my seat and pulled out my notebook, finishing the lesson.

The bell rang for second period to be over, and honestly I didn't know what to do for lunch. I walked into the line, got my food and walked outside to a different table than the one I usually sat at with Tony and Jaime. It was my first day sitting alone this year. I quietly began eating my food when Tony approached me.

"Why?" he asked.

"Why what?"

"Why did you cut yourself again?" he asked.

"You know what? I don't have to answer anything. I have a few questions of my own."

"Why did you tell Aubrey and every other fucking person everything?" I asked.

"Why don't you just leave me the fuck alone, and stay away from me?" I spat. I flipped my tray and stood up, walking away from him. I walked back inside the school and went to the bathroom. I sat there until the bell rang for third period. I'm just praying that Jaime will still talk to me..

--

I walked into my creative writing class and took my seat next to Jaime. I pulled out my journal and flipped to the drawing I did earlier in second period and added some finishing details to it.

"Is that supposed to be you?" Jaime asked. I nodded and continued sketching and adding on to my drawing.

"Carlee.. I know what Tony did. And I know what you did because of him." he said. I looked over at him and just stared at him.

"Why do you do this to yourself?" he asked.

"Why do people hurt me?" I asked, answering his question with my own question.

"Why do people break my trust, Jaime? Why do people think it's okay to hurt others like that?" I asked. He just shook his head.

"I don't know.. I'm sorry Tony did that to you."

I just shook my head and continued drawing. I wasn't in the mood to talk anymore.

Our teacher was having us do a new project. We had to write in a journal everything that we were feeling, everything we wanted to get out of our heads. She said she wouldn't read it unless we left it for her to read and that at the end of the project she would just skim through the pages and make sure we wrote each day. She handed us all a journal and immediately I knew what I wanted to write about.

--

The rest of the day went by slowly. It was just really awkward having to have all the same classes as Tony and Jaime. And now I was really not wanting Vic to come pick me up and having to explain why I cut myself again. I also knew he wasn't going to be happy about it.. I walked up to my locker and pulled my bag of clothes out and shut it. I walked outside of the school to see Vic waiting in his car. I got in and pulled the door closed behind me.

"Hey, how was school?" he smiled.

"It was school." I said blandly.

"Oh, I see. So did you and Tony talk today?"

"Oh.. we talked alright." I said. He furrowed his eyebrows and pulled out of the school parking lot.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Sure. Why wouldn't things be?"

"Because.. you're acting weird."

"Oh. Sorry." I said.

"Do you not want to come over today or something?" he asked.

"No.. Vic. I'm just.. I didn't have the best day today, okay? But it's fine. I'm fine now."

"What happened?"

"Nothing, Vic. Can we please just not talk about me?" I asked.

"Um.. Alright." he said, sounding a little hurt.

"So how was your day?" I asked.

"It was fine. Work was boring, but I guess it's okay because I'm with you now." he smiled.

I gave him a fake smile and we just sat in silence the rest of the way to his house. He pulled into the driveway and killed the ignition on his car. I continued to look out the window, I didn't want to face him. I could feel his eyes on me. I looked at him and saw he was glancing down at my wrist.

"No.." he mumbled. "No, Carlee. Why?" I pulled off my cardigan. It was no use. He knew anyways. I got out of the car and walked up to his doorstep and waited for him to come up to the door. He did and unlocked it, letting us both in.

"Tony told everyone everything." I mumbled.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"Tony told people that I just had sex with Ethan and his friends willingly. He told them about me cutting and about me trying to kill myself. He told people that I was hooking up with you. He told them everything and more, Vic." I cried. He stopped and turned around, opening the door and slamming it. I opened the door and followed him outside as he got into his car. I ran over and jumped into the car before he could pull out.

"What are you doing Vic?"

"I'm going to fucking kill him."

Notes

so uh holy shit. things are getting pretty intense. I have a lot waiting for you guys. next chapter will be up tomorrow when I wake up. enjoy :)