I still think you're beautiful, and I don't ever want to lose my bestfriend.
Welcome to Hell
Today was the first day of my senior year. The day I've been dreading the most since I got out of my junior year. I spent my summer alone. I didn't go out one day. My grandparents pretty much gave up on trying to help me, I'm ruined. I can't be saved. I don't even know why I haven't been able to succeed in my attempts of suicide. I've tried everything. And no matter what I do, I'm forced to be here. Something is keeping me here, something is making me go through hell every day. And for what? I have nothing. I have no friends. I am worthless, and I have no one.
I pulled away from my own thoughts and jumped into the shower. The worst part of getting ready. Having to look down at my disgusting body, my disgusting scars and fresh cuts. Everytime I get in the shower, I cry. I hate having to see my bare self. I hurried and finished my shower, desperately trying not to look at myself. I wrapped myself in a towel and plugged in my blow dryer. I blow dried and straightened my hair. I grabbed my eyeliner and applied it carefully. I blinked on my mascara with caution, trying to make myself actually look decent. And for what? To be judged, to be bullied? To probably end up crying all of it off anyways? I forced the thoughts out of my head once again and pulled on my most comfortable outfit. It consisted of just plain black leggings and a large maroon sweater. My sweater matched my hair. I pulled on some boots and I was already ready for the day. I looked at myself and felt a weird stride of confidence. That is, until I heard my phone buzz and checked it. It was a text from an unknown number. I didn't even know you could do that.
From Unknown:
Ready for your first day of hell, fatass?
Yeah. First day of hell. Right. I tried my hardest not to cry. I didn't want to already ruin my makeup. I looked at the time and it was about time for me to leave. I packed my backpack and pulled it on, I looking once more at the mirror. That weird streak of confidence I had before was now gone.
--
I pulled into hell, I mean.. school, and already I could feel people's eyes burning into me. I killed the ignition on my car and hopped out. I always came to school a little bit later so I didn't wait around in the morning by myself. I walked into the school and checked the first class on my schedule. Honors Chemistry. I walked into the room and quickly took a seat in the back, I don't even know if I sat down next to anyone or not. I was looking down at my feet the whole time, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I looked up and there was, in fact, a boy sitting next to me. He looked at me in disgust and hurried and exchanged seats. A few seconds later, I heard him and his friends laughing.
They're laughing about me. I already knew it.
I pulled out my journal and a pencil and started drawing my feelings. My drawings were very abstract. Nobody knows what they are, and I barely do. I just draw out how I feel at the moment. Sometimes it will be a picture, sometimes it will just be a bunch of scribbles. This time it was a picture, it was a picture of death. I heard the chair next to me move and looked down to see that someone had sat next to me. I looked up to see an unfamiliar face. I was sure that once he saw me though, he was sure to leave. I started to actually see him. He had deep, brown eyes, flippy brown hair and big gauges. He was definitely attractive, and once I realized that, I quickly looked away knowing that I would just embarrass myself. He cleared his throat and I knew that he was feeling uncomfortable.
"I'll just make it easier on you and leave.." I said, packing my journal back into my bag. I got up from the chair just to be stopped. He pulled me back onto my chair and I looked at him, I was definitely confused.
"No, don't leave. You're fine. I'm just.. I.." he murmured. He sighed and put his buried his head in his hands. I looked at him and studied him carefully. I have seen him before. He was very quiet though and I only occassionally saw him with somebody. He was like me and kept to himself mainly. I always saw him sitting with only one person at lunch last year, his friend Jaime.
"Are you okay?" I asked. I was mainly asking that because he wanted me to sit next to him. Maybe he has some mental illness? People usually leave themselves like that kid did to me earlier.
"Yeah, sorry," he said, lifting his head from his hands. "My name is Tony." I got really nervous, because now he was actually talking to me. The second someone talked to me, I honestly didn't know what to say. I was socially awkward to say the least.
"Hi Tony. I'm Carlee."
What? I actually said something?
"Carlee. Pretty name. I liked that drawing you were doing in your journal. What was that?" he asked. I started blushing a bit. I didn't like people seeing my drawings. They just don't understand. I pulled my journal back out and flipped through all of my drawings.
"You see, that's the same question I ask myself. I don't know." I laughed.
"Well, I like it." he replied. I felt myself blushing again. The teacher passed by us and gave us a disclosure sheet and headed back to the front of the room.
"This is our class disclosure. I'm not going to read over the rules, you can do that yourselves. You're big kids now. Read it with your parents and get it signed. Tonight. Have it in class by Wednesday or it's an automatic F. Alright?"
Parents. I sighed and felt tears forming in the back of my eyes. I started pressing my lips together, trying my hardest to hold them back. I knew this was going to be a long day.. I was about to start thinking again when Tony pulled me from my thoughts.
"Carlee, are you okay?" he asked. I turned to him, lips still pressed together and nodded.
"No you're not.. what's wrong?" I just shook my head and pressed my lips together even harder.
Everything's wrong. I screamed in my head. EVERYTHING. He grabbed my journal and turned to a blank page. He started scribbling something down for a minute and then handed it back to me.
I know what you're feeling. And if you ever need someone, I'm here. If you want you can sit with me at lunch today. I want to get to know you. You'll be okay.
Immediately I felt the tears stop trying to find their way out of my eyes. I felt something weird going on with my mouth. I was smiling. I haven't smiled in two years. I wanted to hug the shit out of him right now. So that's exactly what I did. It was an awkward kind of hug, but I did it. Fast and easy. The first hug I've had in 2 years as well.
Maybe things will be okay.
I pulled away from my own thoughts and jumped into the shower. The worst part of getting ready. Having to look down at my disgusting body, my disgusting scars and fresh cuts. Everytime I get in the shower, I cry. I hate having to see my bare self. I hurried and finished my shower, desperately trying not to look at myself. I wrapped myself in a towel and plugged in my blow dryer. I blow dried and straightened my hair. I grabbed my eyeliner and applied it carefully. I blinked on my mascara with caution, trying to make myself actually look decent. And for what? To be judged, to be bullied? To probably end up crying all of it off anyways? I forced the thoughts out of my head once again and pulled on my most comfortable outfit. It consisted of just plain black leggings and a large maroon sweater. My sweater matched my hair. I pulled on some boots and I was already ready for the day. I looked at myself and felt a weird stride of confidence. That is, until I heard my phone buzz and checked it. It was a text from an unknown number. I didn't even know you could do that.
From Unknown:
Ready for your first day of hell, fatass?
Yeah. First day of hell. Right. I tried my hardest not to cry. I didn't want to already ruin my makeup. I looked at the time and it was about time for me to leave. I packed my backpack and pulled it on, I looking once more at the mirror. That weird streak of confidence I had before was now gone.
--
I pulled into hell, I mean.. school, and already I could feel people's eyes burning into me. I killed the ignition on my car and hopped out. I always came to school a little bit later so I didn't wait around in the morning by myself. I walked into the school and checked the first class on my schedule. Honors Chemistry. I walked into the room and quickly took a seat in the back, I don't even know if I sat down next to anyone or not. I was looking down at my feet the whole time, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I looked up and there was, in fact, a boy sitting next to me. He looked at me in disgust and hurried and exchanged seats. A few seconds later, I heard him and his friends laughing.
They're laughing about me. I already knew it.
I pulled out my journal and a pencil and started drawing my feelings. My drawings were very abstract. Nobody knows what they are, and I barely do. I just draw out how I feel at the moment. Sometimes it will be a picture, sometimes it will just be a bunch of scribbles. This time it was a picture, it was a picture of death. I heard the chair next to me move and looked down to see that someone had sat next to me. I looked up to see an unfamiliar face. I was sure that once he saw me though, he was sure to leave. I started to actually see him. He had deep, brown eyes, flippy brown hair and big gauges. He was definitely attractive, and once I realized that, I quickly looked away knowing that I would just embarrass myself. He cleared his throat and I knew that he was feeling uncomfortable.
"I'll just make it easier on you and leave.." I said, packing my journal back into my bag. I got up from the chair just to be stopped. He pulled me back onto my chair and I looked at him, I was definitely confused.
"No, don't leave. You're fine. I'm just.. I.." he murmured. He sighed and put his buried his head in his hands. I looked at him and studied him carefully. I have seen him before. He was very quiet though and I only occassionally saw him with somebody. He was like me and kept to himself mainly. I always saw him sitting with only one person at lunch last year, his friend Jaime.
"Are you okay?" I asked. I was mainly asking that because he wanted me to sit next to him. Maybe he has some mental illness? People usually leave themselves like that kid did to me earlier.
"Yeah, sorry," he said, lifting his head from his hands. "My name is Tony." I got really nervous, because now he was actually talking to me. The second someone talked to me, I honestly didn't know what to say. I was socially awkward to say the least.
"Hi Tony. I'm Carlee."
What? I actually said something?
"Carlee. Pretty name. I liked that drawing you were doing in your journal. What was that?" he asked. I started blushing a bit. I didn't like people seeing my drawings. They just don't understand. I pulled my journal back out and flipped through all of my drawings.
"You see, that's the same question I ask myself. I don't know." I laughed.
"Well, I like it." he replied. I felt myself blushing again. The teacher passed by us and gave us a disclosure sheet and headed back to the front of the room.
"This is our class disclosure. I'm not going to read over the rules, you can do that yourselves. You're big kids now. Read it with your parents and get it signed. Tonight. Have it in class by Wednesday or it's an automatic F. Alright?"
Parents. I sighed and felt tears forming in the back of my eyes. I started pressing my lips together, trying my hardest to hold them back. I knew this was going to be a long day.. I was about to start thinking again when Tony pulled me from my thoughts.
"Carlee, are you okay?" he asked. I turned to him, lips still pressed together and nodded.
"No you're not.. what's wrong?" I just shook my head and pressed my lips together even harder.
Everything's wrong. I screamed in my head. EVERYTHING. He grabbed my journal and turned to a blank page. He started scribbling something down for a minute and then handed it back to me.
I know what you're feeling. And if you ever need someone, I'm here. If you want you can sit with me at lunch today. I want to get to know you. You'll be okay.
Immediately I felt the tears stop trying to find their way out of my eyes. I felt something weird going on with my mouth. I was smiling. I haven't smiled in two years. I wanted to hug the shit out of him right now. So that's exactly what I did. It was an awkward kind of hug, but I did it. Fast and easy. The first hug I've had in 2 years as well.
Maybe things will be okay.
@Moshforfuentes
haha, aw! thanks. the stories over now, but there is a sequel. :) thank you though!
2/11/14