Do you think you'd love me back?
Fast times at claremont high
Flash back to 14 years of age
I locked myself in the bathroom, my heart was racing and hot tears were streaming down my face like rain, I sat with my back against the wall with my knees brought up to my chest, I rested against the door and wrapped my arms around my legs. I wiped my eyes and blinked a few times before making my way up and towards the mirror, I hated everything I saw about myself, there's not a single thing that I liked, I looked down at my arms and ran my fingers over my healing cuts, I turned the water on for the shower and tore off my clothes and got straight in, the hot water ran down my face and I ran my hands through my hair sighing in relief, I sunk down against the wall with my knees raised. I bumped the wall with my fist and my razor fell down, I broke it in half and took a blade out of it, I moved my body lower so my lower back wasn't against anything, I took a deep breath and let out a few cries before pressing the blade to my skin. 1, 2, 3 maybe let it be? 4, 5, 6 this is nothing you cannot fix 7, 8, 9 it's time to erase everything inside. I'm not beautiful, no one will ever love me I thought, I didn't realize how far down I had gone and how bad they were, there was blood running everywhere, I rinsed off the blood and stood up; finally having my shower. When I got out of the shower my thigh had swelled up, it was all red and puffy not to forget tender, I dried myself off and wrapped a towel around my body, I walked out with the blade in my hand, I shut my bedroom door behind me and dried myself off, I put on a pair of grey sweat pants and a black hoodie, I picked my phone up and crawled in bed.
-next morning-
I rolled over slamming my alarm clock for it to shut up, once it did I laid in bed for a few more minutes before getting up for school, I scruffed up my hair, applied winged eyeliner and some mascara before putting on my school uniform with some pantyhose underneath to make my cuts less visible, I grabbed my bag and headed to the bathroom where I brushed my teeth and left for my bus.
It was period three and I was sitting outside my class away from everyone else, I put my ear buds in and turned u the acoustic version of Rise Against - Swing life away, I quietly sang along with the words until a shadow cast upon my light, I looked up and my gaze met with Taylor's and Georgia's, I took my ear buds out and stared at them.
"You're pathetic!" Taylor spat, Georgia stood there laughing making little rude comments while Taylor did her daily job and insulted me making me feel like shit "... no wonder why your dad left 'coz he had you!" She scoffed, I set the guitar down threw my bag over my shoulder and stormed off "aw little miss perfect can't handle the truth!" She laughed, I clenched my fists and turned around to face her, I threw my bag off my shoulder and ran at her, I tackled her skimpy body then sat on her hips repeatedly punching her in the face.
"I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT!" I screamed, I got up off of her kicked her in the side and spat in her face, I grabbed my bag and ran off to C block toilets, I locked myself in a cubical and cried. I sat on the toilet with the lid down crying in my hands for the rest of that class, when the bell went for period 4, I wiped my eyes and headed out to the mirror, I screamed at the top of my lungs and punched my reflection shattering it to a thousand pieces. I turned around and saw some girls watching me, I pushed past them and headed to science, I kept my head down with my arms swinging freely, I made my way to science at took a seat by myself, I heard my name being called I slowly lifted my head up and smiled back at Jordan.
"It's Ashley right?" I nodded "is this seat taken?" I shook my head and opened the seat for him, "you're wearing stockings today" he laughed grabbing his books out of his back, I let out a small laugh and put my head back down and grabbed out my books and paper to draw on, for the first half of class I listened to music and kept drawing, I twitched in my seat and scratched my thigh, wincing at the pain; I grabbed onto it through my stockings to try and control the bleeding. I removed my hand from underneath my skirt and looked at my hand in horror, I began to tense up and my steady paced breathing turned to hyperventilating, this can't be happening... not here
"Holey shit!" Jordan yelled "Are you okay?" I just nodded and packed my things dropping them a few times in the process, I ran out of class and stopped once I was outside, I held onto the staircase railing trying to control my breathing, I felt a hand places on my back I spun around and saw Jordan giving me a sympathetic smile.
"You're okay" he whispered and pulled me into a hug rubbing circles in my back soothingly as I cried my heart out on his uniform.
And that's how I met Jordan Stewart.
I sighed and wiped my eyes at the memory, I carefully got up to see if any of them were back yet but they weren't, I went to the kitchen to make me some lunch I was craving salami so that's what I ate, I sat on the couch chewing away at the roll of salami.
"Fuck!" I screamed dropping my salami and clutching on to my stomach, I felt a pool of liquid form beneath me, shit shit shit, I tried to stand up but I fell to my knees, my breathing was fast and shallow, I screamed at the top of my lungs at the pain, I had one hand clutching my stomach and the other holding me up; I slipped my phone out of my pocket and rang his number, it rang 7 times before going to voice mail, I called him three more times but I got the same response. I called Mike and he picked up a few rings after,
"Mike! Where's Tony?" I screamed into the phone
"In a design meeting with Vic and Jaime, why?"
"Design for fucking what?" I spat "my water just broke and I can't handle the pain" I whimpered
"Guitar picks, um um I'm on my way ok beautiful?" He stammered,
Mike arrived in a half an hour, I was lying on the floor screaming clutching onto my stomach, the contractions have already begun, Mike swooped me up in his arms and gently placed me in the passenger seat and ran to the other side; he never once let go of my hand unless he had to change the gear stick.
-
"Okay one more push, your baby is almost here" the doctor told me, I squeezed onto Tony's hand and the other one on the rail, I pushed as hard as I could and let out a loud scream, I felt like heaven, the room filled with a child's screams then it lessened to almost a nothing, my eyes fluttered shut and it all went black... I heard my name being called and my body being shaken, but I stayed unresponsive.
-3 years later-
I rolled out of bed and made my way to the kitchen rubbing my eyes and yawning, I could hear the Dora on t.v, I laughed and opened the fridge and pulled out the milk, then to the pantry and got some cereal and a bowl.
“Baby girl, you hungry?” I asked Cara-Lee as I walked into the lounge, where Mike was on the ground playing ponies with her, I shook my head and picked up Mike's phone from the couch, I snapped a photo and put it on instagram playing with my neice @RachEverson
“very cute guys” I laughed and knelt down besides Cara-Lee “are you hungry princess”
“No mama, unky Mike feed me” she looked up at Mike and smiled then continued brushing her ponies hair,
“Okay princess, I'm going to steal uncle Mike from you for a little bit okay?” I kissed the side of her head and led Mike towards the kitchen where I made me a bowl of fruit loops, “you know she's better when she's with you than she is with Tony” I looked up at Mike smiling at him,
“She'll adapt to him one day,” Mike came over and rubbed my arm comfortingly, “and maybe... her...” I sighed and continued eating my breakfast letting Mike go back to my daughter.
I put my bowl in the sink and rinsed it then headed down to the bathroom having a shower, I tore off my clothes and stepped in, as I was washing my hair I could hear Mike blowing raspberries on Cara-Lee's stomach, once out of the shower I put on some clean clothes and walked over to my dresser, I opened my draws and pulled out a little box which held Tony's engagement ring and promise ring in it. I sighed and put the promise ring on my ring finger but on my right hand, I sprayed myself with impulse grabbed my bag and headed Cara-Lee's room.
“You look beautiful” I smiled, I walked over to her and picked her up I kissed her nose and she kissed mine back, “you look just like daddy when you do that” I laughed,
“Am I seeing him today?” She pouted,
“Yes you are” I placed her on my hip and put some of her favourite toys in her bag which Mike carried to the car, I placed Cara-Lee in the car seat and pulled out one of her barbies for her to play with while we headed to Tony's new place, I dropped Mike off at his brothers on the way, Cara-Lee almost cried when he left, she always hated it when he left, she really loved him, when she first started to learn how to talk she called him dad... it was heart breaking.
We pulled into his driveway, I turned off the radio and walked over to Cara-Lee, I pulled her out of her car seat and stuck her on top of the boot while I grabbed her bag, I walked over to her and placed her on my hip,
“Darling you'll be okay” I whispered to her and rang the door bell, Suzie opened the door and scoffed at me then smiled at MY princess “I need to see Tony” I muttered, she opened the door wider so we could walk in, I set Cara-Lee down in her step brothers room, I watched her and Liam play barbies, well she played with barbies and he played with his action figures, he was only one year younger than Cara-Lee.
I felt a muscular hand on my shoulder, I turned around and faced Tony, I took my glasses off and looked at him with sad eyes, I shot him a weak smile and he did the same. He looked down at his feet and opened his mouth and was about to say something but he didn't, instead he grabbed my right hand and brought it up to his face, once I realized that he noticed the promise ring I snatched it out from his grip,
“I'll be back to pick her up at six, unless you want to drop her off later” I said
“I'll drop her off at six,” he gave me a quick and awkward hug and greeted Cara-Lee “hello my gorgeous girl!” He cheered
“Hi dada” she mumbled crashing her dolls together, I laughed and walked over to her,
“Good bye beautiful” I pulled her into a hug and kissed her head she hugged me back but no kiss “no kiss for mama?” I pouted, she gave me the do I have to? Look I laughed and nodded, she reluctantly kissed my head, I pushed myself up off my legs and walked over to Liam “nice seeing you lil guy” I laughed and ruffled his hair before placing my hand on Tony's shoulder and leaving.
As I got into the car I put on pierce the veils album a flair for the dramatic, I sang along to chemical kids and mechanical brides, I looked at the time it was only 10AM, I still had an hour to kill before work so I went to Vic's house to see him and Jaime whom I hadn't seen in a very long time.
I ran out of the car not locking it and ran straight into the house “JAIME! VIC! MIKE!” I yelled, still no reply, I searched the whole inside of the house to find it empty, “fuck” I muttered to myself, I ran out to the backyard and saw Jaime and Vic lying on the ground pointing up at the sky, “Vic? Jaime?” I asked as I slowly took steps towards them, as I got closer I saw their eyes were all red and puffy and they were laughing so hard that no sound was coming out.
“Really Mike?” I laughed as I looked around for him, I found him around a corner of the house laughing, “Mike did you get them stoned!” I laughed lightly punching his arm,
“They've been like that for hours, I didn't even give them that much,” He managed between laughs,
“Did you have any?” I asked, he shook his head, “you're a little shit, now they can't make me happy before I head to wok” I pouted, storming off over to Vic and Jaime, I stood over their light and they started crying like children so I moved back out of the way, I tried to talk to them but they just shushed me, I looked over to Mike and flipped him off.
“How was it?” He asked motioning for me to come inside,
“Suzie was a bitch, as usual, Cara-Lee didn't really acknowledge Tony she just started playing with Liam and Tony noticed me wearing the promise ring” I laughed, Mike sighed and handed me a beer,
“I don't get it” he mumbled, taking a seat opposite me,
“Don't get what?” I asked nervously
“You have his baby and not even a year later he leaves because it's too stressful and then goes and haves a baby?” Mike started to get angry “yous didn't even to get married yet” I sighed and let the tears build up in my eyes, I stood up and wiped them away underneath my glasses.
“I best get going, bye Mike” I hugged him quickly and kissed his head since I could reach it because he was sitting down fore quickly leaving the house and heading to work.
I locked myself in the bathroom, my heart was racing and hot tears were streaming down my face like rain, I sat with my back against the wall with my knees brought up to my chest, I rested against the door and wrapped my arms around my legs. I wiped my eyes and blinked a few times before making my way up and towards the mirror, I hated everything I saw about myself, there's not a single thing that I liked, I looked down at my arms and ran my fingers over my healing cuts, I turned the water on for the shower and tore off my clothes and got straight in, the hot water ran down my face and I ran my hands through my hair sighing in relief, I sunk down against the wall with my knees raised. I bumped the wall with my fist and my razor fell down, I broke it in half and took a blade out of it, I moved my body lower so my lower back wasn't against anything, I took a deep breath and let out a few cries before pressing the blade to my skin. 1, 2, 3 maybe let it be? 4, 5, 6 this is nothing you cannot fix 7, 8, 9 it's time to erase everything inside. I'm not beautiful, no one will ever love me I thought, I didn't realize how far down I had gone and how bad they were, there was blood running everywhere, I rinsed off the blood and stood up; finally having my shower. When I got out of the shower my thigh had swelled up, it was all red and puffy not to forget tender, I dried myself off and wrapped a towel around my body, I walked out with the blade in my hand, I shut my bedroom door behind me and dried myself off, I put on a pair of grey sweat pants and a black hoodie, I picked my phone up and crawled in bed.
-next morning-
I rolled over slamming my alarm clock for it to shut up, once it did I laid in bed for a few more minutes before getting up for school, I scruffed up my hair, applied winged eyeliner and some mascara before putting on my school uniform with some pantyhose underneath to make my cuts less visible, I grabbed my bag and headed to the bathroom where I brushed my teeth and left for my bus.
It was period three and I was sitting outside my class away from everyone else, I put my ear buds in and turned u the acoustic version of Rise Against - Swing life away, I quietly sang along with the words until a shadow cast upon my light, I looked up and my gaze met with Taylor's and Georgia's, I took my ear buds out and stared at them.
"You're pathetic!" Taylor spat, Georgia stood there laughing making little rude comments while Taylor did her daily job and insulted me making me feel like shit "... no wonder why your dad left 'coz he had you!" She scoffed, I set the guitar down threw my bag over my shoulder and stormed off "aw little miss perfect can't handle the truth!" She laughed, I clenched my fists and turned around to face her, I threw my bag off my shoulder and ran at her, I tackled her skimpy body then sat on her hips repeatedly punching her in the face.
"I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT!" I screamed, I got up off of her kicked her in the side and spat in her face, I grabbed my bag and ran off to C block toilets, I locked myself in a cubical and cried. I sat on the toilet with the lid down crying in my hands for the rest of that class, when the bell went for period 4, I wiped my eyes and headed out to the mirror, I screamed at the top of my lungs and punched my reflection shattering it to a thousand pieces. I turned around and saw some girls watching me, I pushed past them and headed to science, I kept my head down with my arms swinging freely, I made my way to science at took a seat by myself, I heard my name being called I slowly lifted my head up and smiled back at Jordan.
"It's Ashley right?" I nodded "is this seat taken?" I shook my head and opened the seat for him, "you're wearing stockings today" he laughed grabbing his books out of his back, I let out a small laugh and put my head back down and grabbed out my books and paper to draw on, for the first half of class I listened to music and kept drawing, I twitched in my seat and scratched my thigh, wincing at the pain; I grabbed onto it through my stockings to try and control the bleeding. I removed my hand from underneath my skirt and looked at my hand in horror, I began to tense up and my steady paced breathing turned to hyperventilating, this can't be happening... not here
"Holey shit!" Jordan yelled "Are you okay?" I just nodded and packed my things dropping them a few times in the process, I ran out of class and stopped once I was outside, I held onto the staircase railing trying to control my breathing, I felt a hand places on my back I spun around and saw Jordan giving me a sympathetic smile.
"You're okay" he whispered and pulled me into a hug rubbing circles in my back soothingly as I cried my heart out on his uniform.
And that's how I met Jordan Stewart.
I sighed and wiped my eyes at the memory, I carefully got up to see if any of them were back yet but they weren't, I went to the kitchen to make me some lunch I was craving salami so that's what I ate, I sat on the couch chewing away at the roll of salami.
"Fuck!" I screamed dropping my salami and clutching on to my stomach, I felt a pool of liquid form beneath me, shit shit shit, I tried to stand up but I fell to my knees, my breathing was fast and shallow, I screamed at the top of my lungs at the pain, I had one hand clutching my stomach and the other holding me up; I slipped my phone out of my pocket and rang his number, it rang 7 times before going to voice mail, I called him three more times but I got the same response. I called Mike and he picked up a few rings after,
"Mike! Where's Tony?" I screamed into the phone
"In a design meeting with Vic and Jaime, why?"
"Design for fucking what?" I spat "my water just broke and I can't handle the pain" I whimpered
"Guitar picks, um um I'm on my way ok beautiful?" He stammered,
Mike arrived in a half an hour, I was lying on the floor screaming clutching onto my stomach, the contractions have already begun, Mike swooped me up in his arms and gently placed me in the passenger seat and ran to the other side; he never once let go of my hand unless he had to change the gear stick.
-
"Okay one more push, your baby is almost here" the doctor told me, I squeezed onto Tony's hand and the other one on the rail, I pushed as hard as I could and let out a loud scream, I felt like heaven, the room filled with a child's screams then it lessened to almost a nothing, my eyes fluttered shut and it all went black... I heard my name being called and my body being shaken, but I stayed unresponsive.
-3 years later-
I rolled out of bed and made my way to the kitchen rubbing my eyes and yawning, I could hear the Dora on t.v, I laughed and opened the fridge and pulled out the milk, then to the pantry and got some cereal and a bowl.
“Baby girl, you hungry?” I asked Cara-Lee as I walked into the lounge, where Mike was on the ground playing ponies with her, I shook my head and picked up Mike's phone from the couch, I snapped a photo and put it on instagram playing with my neice @RachEverson
“very cute guys” I laughed and knelt down besides Cara-Lee “are you hungry princess”
“No mama, unky Mike feed me” she looked up at Mike and smiled then continued brushing her ponies hair,
“Okay princess, I'm going to steal uncle Mike from you for a little bit okay?” I kissed the side of her head and led Mike towards the kitchen where I made me a bowl of fruit loops, “you know she's better when she's with you than she is with Tony” I looked up at Mike smiling at him,
“She'll adapt to him one day,” Mike came over and rubbed my arm comfortingly, “and maybe... her...” I sighed and continued eating my breakfast letting Mike go back to my daughter.
I put my bowl in the sink and rinsed it then headed down to the bathroom having a shower, I tore off my clothes and stepped in, as I was washing my hair I could hear Mike blowing raspberries on Cara-Lee's stomach, once out of the shower I put on some clean clothes and walked over to my dresser, I opened my draws and pulled out a little box which held Tony's engagement ring and promise ring in it. I sighed and put the promise ring on my ring finger but on my right hand, I sprayed myself with impulse grabbed my bag and headed Cara-Lee's room.
“You look beautiful” I smiled, I walked over to her and picked her up I kissed her nose and she kissed mine back, “you look just like daddy when you do that” I laughed,
“Am I seeing him today?” She pouted,
“Yes you are” I placed her on my hip and put some of her favourite toys in her bag which Mike carried to the car, I placed Cara-Lee in the car seat and pulled out one of her barbies for her to play with while we headed to Tony's new place, I dropped Mike off at his brothers on the way, Cara-Lee almost cried when he left, she always hated it when he left, she really loved him, when she first started to learn how to talk she called him dad... it was heart breaking.
We pulled into his driveway, I turned off the radio and walked over to Cara-Lee, I pulled her out of her car seat and stuck her on top of the boot while I grabbed her bag, I walked over to her and placed her on my hip,
“Darling you'll be okay” I whispered to her and rang the door bell, Suzie opened the door and scoffed at me then smiled at MY princess “I need to see Tony” I muttered, she opened the door wider so we could walk in, I set Cara-Lee down in her step brothers room, I watched her and Liam play barbies, well she played with barbies and he played with his action figures, he was only one year younger than Cara-Lee.
I felt a muscular hand on my shoulder, I turned around and faced Tony, I took my glasses off and looked at him with sad eyes, I shot him a weak smile and he did the same. He looked down at his feet and opened his mouth and was about to say something but he didn't, instead he grabbed my right hand and brought it up to his face, once I realized that he noticed the promise ring I snatched it out from his grip,
“I'll be back to pick her up at six, unless you want to drop her off later” I said
“I'll drop her off at six,” he gave me a quick and awkward hug and greeted Cara-Lee “hello my gorgeous girl!” He cheered
“Hi dada” she mumbled crashing her dolls together, I laughed and walked over to her,
“Good bye beautiful” I pulled her into a hug and kissed her head she hugged me back but no kiss “no kiss for mama?” I pouted, she gave me the do I have to? Look I laughed and nodded, she reluctantly kissed my head, I pushed myself up off my legs and walked over to Liam “nice seeing you lil guy” I laughed and ruffled his hair before placing my hand on Tony's shoulder and leaving.
As I got into the car I put on pierce the veils album a flair for the dramatic, I sang along to chemical kids and mechanical brides, I looked at the time it was only 10AM, I still had an hour to kill before work so I went to Vic's house to see him and Jaime whom I hadn't seen in a very long time.
I ran out of the car not locking it and ran straight into the house “JAIME! VIC! MIKE!” I yelled, still no reply, I searched the whole inside of the house to find it empty, “fuck” I muttered to myself, I ran out to the backyard and saw Jaime and Vic lying on the ground pointing up at the sky, “Vic? Jaime?” I asked as I slowly took steps towards them, as I got closer I saw their eyes were all red and puffy and they were laughing so hard that no sound was coming out.
“Really Mike?” I laughed as I looked around for him, I found him around a corner of the house laughing, “Mike did you get them stoned!” I laughed lightly punching his arm,
“They've been like that for hours, I didn't even give them that much,” He managed between laughs,
“Did you have any?” I asked, he shook his head, “you're a little shit, now they can't make me happy before I head to wok” I pouted, storming off over to Vic and Jaime, I stood over their light and they started crying like children so I moved back out of the way, I tried to talk to them but they just shushed me, I looked over to Mike and flipped him off.
“How was it?” He asked motioning for me to come inside,
“Suzie was a bitch, as usual, Cara-Lee didn't really acknowledge Tony she just started playing with Liam and Tony noticed me wearing the promise ring” I laughed, Mike sighed and handed me a beer,
“I don't get it” he mumbled, taking a seat opposite me,
“Don't get what?” I asked nervously
“You have his baby and not even a year later he leaves because it's too stressful and then goes and haves a baby?” Mike started to get angry “yous didn't even to get married yet” I sighed and let the tears build up in my eyes, I stood up and wiped them away underneath my glasses.
“I best get going, bye Mike” I hugged him quickly and kissed his head since I could reach it because he was sitting down fore quickly leaving the house and heading to work.
Notes
Had my last day at cads(community alcohol drug services) today, finally after 15+ weeks of going there.IT’S OVER.
So uh, here enjoy :/
COMMENT PLEASE COMMENT
I seriously want to kill tony, he is such an asshole it's ridiculous. I wish Rachel and Tony stayed together and I hate Suzie she is just a hoe bag.
2/22/14