When Miles Break Hearts
Panic
JULIE'S POV
Curling up in bed next to Tom, I lay my head against my propped up pillows as he picked something for us to watch. Settling with House, we relaxed and enjoyed the hot chocolate's he had made.
Putting down my empty cup, I noticed that I had a message. Picking it up, I tilted it away from Tom and unlocked it. I clicked on the 2 new messages and tried to act casual as I read them.
From: Tony
I looked into it and the group is tomorrow (so, Friday) and it starts at 6. I don't want to force you, but I care about you. Jaime's worried too.
From: Tony
I'm sorry if I'm being pushy, I'm just scared. Please reply? I'm not try to boss you about, I swear. I just need you to be okay.
Gulping, I locked my phone and placed it back on the bedside table. Exhaling deeply, I rearranged my pillows and tried to forget about the messages. I forced my attention on the TV and began to catch up on the episode.
'Oh my god,' laughed Tom, 'how gay is that pink shirt? Who knew House was a homo,' he chuckled.
'Tom!' I shouted, whacking him in the stomach with my hand.
'What?' he said, 'it's not my fault he likes the D. What a faggot.'
I wanted to punch him. I wanted to stand up and walk out. 'You're a fucking arse,' I hissed, climbing out of bed and grabbing my phone.
'Where are you going?'
'I'm sleeping on the couch.'
Taking the spare duvet from the cupboard, I put one of the cushions at the top of the biggest couch and lay myself down, throwing the covers over myself after. I kicked my feet to flatten it out before tucking in the sides. Pulling out my phone, I decided to reply to Tony.
To: Tony
You've got no need to be worried, I'm not your problem anymore. Story worrying, please.
Locking my phone, I reached my arm back and turned off the small lamp that was on the table beside the couch. I switched it off, and wriggled back into the warmth of the covers. The street lights were giving the room a slightly orange tint and I could only hear the odd car racing past outside and the TV in the other room.
From: Tony
What do you mean 'I'm not your problem anymore'? You were never a problem.
To: Tony
We're not dating anymore. You're not responsible for me. You don't need to watch out for me 24/7, and don't pretend that caring for me didn't annoy you all those years ago.
From: Tony
It didn't annoy me, not at all. Just because we're not dating doesn't mean that I can't still have feelings, Julie. I can't erase my feelings.
To: Tony
I don't get it! I can't do this!
Sending the message, I began to whimper. I was being a bitch to Tony, but I couldn't handle it. I wanted to love him again, but he'd break my heart.
From: Tony
Can't do what? Look, if I've been too pushy, I apologise.
To: Tony
No, you haven't. Sorry I'm being a bitch. I just, I can't go through it again. I can't let you go again, it hurt too much.
From: Tony
Then finish your degree and come with me. We're staying in San Diego to record our new album anyway.
To: Tony
I don't know. I need to go to sleep.
From: Tony
I'm picking you up at 6 tomorrow, better prepare an excuse. Sleep tight, bitch.
To: Tony
Night, arsehole!
Smiling through the tears, I felt a warmth as I remembered all the nights me and Tony would insult each other for a laugh. We'd go all 'sassy' on one another and end up laughing about it hysterically. My best memories involved him - ever single one.
'I'm going out with Kate from work, she's picking me up at 6,' I said bluntly to Tom as he buttered a roll.
'Fine, when will you be back?'
'I'm not sure.'
Placing my dirty plate in the sink, I went through to the bedroom to get dressed. I entered the room and stripped down, thinking it would be best if I started from scratch.
I put on a knitted navy jumper before dancing my way into some skinny jeans and slipping on my maroon leather converse. I applied some winged eyeliner before adding a rustic silver bracelet that Tony had bought me to my left wrist. It had various charms on it - a ballet shoe, a star, a love heart, a backpack, a globe and a rose.
'There's a car outside, think it's Kate!' Shouted Tom from the other room. Grabbing my satchel, I stuffed my purse and phone in it before fleeing the house. I walked down the path, trying to act normal, and slid into Tony's black car.
'Choose what you wanna listen to,' he said, gesturing towards the glove compartment. Looking through the pile of CD's, I smiled as I seen a Pierce The Veil one. 'Ugh, really?' he smiled, watching me put it in.
'Yep,' I grinned, turning my head away and looking out the window.
The drive was silent, but not awkward. I allowed my head to bob in time to the music and I noticed Tony's fingers playing the wheel like it was covered in guitar strings. The song finished and the car fell silent for a few seconds before Kissing In Cars began.
I couldn't bring myself to press 'skip', and he had suddenly tensed up, knuckled white as he grasped the steering wheel. I listened intently to the lyrics as the filled the otherwise silent car, my mind falling back to the night I was with Tony when he was writing them.
The song ended, concluding our journey. Turning off the ignition, we sat and stared at the building for a minute before getting out the car.
Tony put his hand on the small of back and kept it there as we entered the community centre. Walking into a room with around 12 people inside, I stepped forward to the man with the badge on and introduced myself. He was quite small and had a little bit of a beer belly.
'Hi,' I said, 'I'm new here.'
'Oh, hello. My name is Gordon, I'm the group leader for Friday nights. There's no need to fill anything out, just come when you feel ready. What's your name?'
'Julie,' I said, releaved that it was not compulsary for me to come.
'Ah, welcome! Your boyfriend here will need to wait outside with the rest of the family and friends I'm afraid.'
'Um,' I turned to Tony who was blushing like crazy. He stuck his tongue out at me before exiting the hall, turning right to where I remembered a row of seats to be.
TONY'S POV
Taking a seat on the blue chair, I stared down at the floor as I tried stop myself from blushing for any longer. Out the corner of my eye, I noticed an old man sitting next to me, his foot tapping the floor at great speed.
'You okay?' I asked, lifting my head.
'It's my son's first time in there, I want to be with him. He's got bad anxiety.'
'He'll be okay,' I nodded, 'they're really friendly in there.'
'How do you know? Have you been in?'
'I use to go in with a friend, when they allowed it.'
'Oh,' he said, his head falling.
I looked at the walls surrouding me, reading every single poster on top of the horrid grey/blue background. 'Stop smoking!' seemed to be the most common theme throughout the vast collection of posters, the second being 'Cancer: Ge Yourself Checked'.
Twiddling my thumbs, I sat hunched over as I waited for the endless hour to pass. To my surprise, around 15 minutes later, bodies were flowing out of the small room. Julie grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight, and pulled me out of the building.
'Why couldn't they let you come in? Am I being stupid? That was horrible. I can't do that alone again. I can't go back. What if we say I'm deaf? Or, like, suddenly blind? I can't do it. Ugh, I hat-'
'Breathe,' I said soothingly, taking her other hand and pulling her close to me. 'You're still here, right?'
'Right.'
'Then you're fine,' I whispered against her forehead before kissing it gently. Pulling away, I let my eyes meet hers and she stared at me, eyes not daring to move.
She stepped off the pavement, pulling me along. We went back to the car and clambered in, turning to each other straight after and letting our eyes fall upon each other again. We both leaned in, heads slightly tilted, and paused as I could feel her breathe on my skin. My eyes were now fixed on her lips, the lips that I kissed a million times before. The lips that made me feel okay, that lifted me off the ground.
As I thought about the moment, it occured to me that she wasn't mine. You're not a cheater, don't be a douche. Realising that the one person in the whole world who had the ability to make me feel better couldn't do so because of some idiot she was dating, I began to panic.
JULIE'S POV
Without warning, Tony flew back and swore under his breathe. He slammed his fist against the steering wheel, still murmuring. Grabbing it with both hands, he lay over it and let his head rest on the top. He was panting and his hands were shaking slightly.
Before I could say anything, he was taking off his seatbelt and was climbing out of the car. I watched, stunned, as he slammed the door and stormed to the edge of the carpark and to a tree. I couldn't see him well, but the street lights gave off enough of a glow that I could make him out. He had his hands over his head, and was pacing back and fourth. I began to get scared as I watched him do the exact same thing over and over again. I watched as he kicked the trunk of the tree, punching it straight after. I'd never seen such rage from him.
He stopped fighting the tree and stood still. From what I could tell, he was wiping away tears. Minutes later, he came back to the car - eyes red, knuckles bleeding - and pulled out of the parking space with saying a word.
'Since I left,' he began, finally explaining himself, 'I kept getting panic attacks. I couldn't tell the guys, our dream was coming true, y'know? I had to ride it out. Anyway, they keep getting worse. I don't know how to stop them and it makes me angry.'
'Really angry,' I added, brushing my finger across the spot just below his bleeding fist.
'Yeah, I'm sorry. I wish you never had to see that.' He took a deep breathe, 'Please don't tell anyone?'
'Fine, but talk to me before you try and fight a tree again, okay?'
He smiled a little, 'Right.'
I laced my pinky with his, making sure I didn't turn the steering wheel as I did so. 'It's a promise,' I whispered, as though it was a secret.
Curling up in bed next to Tom, I lay my head against my propped up pillows as he picked something for us to watch. Settling with House, we relaxed and enjoyed the hot chocolate's he had made.
Putting down my empty cup, I noticed that I had a message. Picking it up, I tilted it away from Tom and unlocked it. I clicked on the 2 new messages and tried to act casual as I read them.
From: Tony
I looked into it and the group is tomorrow (so, Friday) and it starts at 6. I don't want to force you, but I care about you. Jaime's worried too.
From: Tony
I'm sorry if I'm being pushy, I'm just scared. Please reply? I'm not try to boss you about, I swear. I just need you to be okay.
Gulping, I locked my phone and placed it back on the bedside table. Exhaling deeply, I rearranged my pillows and tried to forget about the messages. I forced my attention on the TV and began to catch up on the episode.
'Oh my god,' laughed Tom, 'how gay is that pink shirt? Who knew House was a homo,' he chuckled.
'Tom!' I shouted, whacking him in the stomach with my hand.
'What?' he said, 'it's not my fault he likes the D. What a faggot.'
I wanted to punch him. I wanted to stand up and walk out. 'You're a fucking arse,' I hissed, climbing out of bed and grabbing my phone.
'Where are you going?'
'I'm sleeping on the couch.'
Taking the spare duvet from the cupboard, I put one of the cushions at the top of the biggest couch and lay myself down, throwing the covers over myself after. I kicked my feet to flatten it out before tucking in the sides. Pulling out my phone, I decided to reply to Tony.
To: Tony
You've got no need to be worried, I'm not your problem anymore. Story worrying, please.
Locking my phone, I reached my arm back and turned off the small lamp that was on the table beside the couch. I switched it off, and wriggled back into the warmth of the covers. The street lights were giving the room a slightly orange tint and I could only hear the odd car racing past outside and the TV in the other room.
From: Tony
What do you mean 'I'm not your problem anymore'? You were never a problem.
To: Tony
We're not dating anymore. You're not responsible for me. You don't need to watch out for me 24/7, and don't pretend that caring for me didn't annoy you all those years ago.
From: Tony
It didn't annoy me, not at all. Just because we're not dating doesn't mean that I can't still have feelings, Julie. I can't erase my feelings.
To: Tony
I don't get it! I can't do this!
Sending the message, I began to whimper. I was being a bitch to Tony, but I couldn't handle it. I wanted to love him again, but he'd break my heart.
From: Tony
Can't do what? Look, if I've been too pushy, I apologise.
To: Tony
No, you haven't. Sorry I'm being a bitch. I just, I can't go through it again. I can't let you go again, it hurt too much.
From: Tony
Then finish your degree and come with me. We're staying in San Diego to record our new album anyway.
To: Tony
I don't know. I need to go to sleep.
From: Tony
I'm picking you up at 6 tomorrow, better prepare an excuse. Sleep tight, bitch.
To: Tony
Night, arsehole!
Smiling through the tears, I felt a warmth as I remembered all the nights me and Tony would insult each other for a laugh. We'd go all 'sassy' on one another and end up laughing about it hysterically. My best memories involved him - ever single one.
'I'm going out with Kate from work, she's picking me up at 6,' I said bluntly to Tom as he buttered a roll.
'Fine, when will you be back?'
'I'm not sure.'
Placing my dirty plate in the sink, I went through to the bedroom to get dressed. I entered the room and stripped down, thinking it would be best if I started from scratch.
I put on a knitted navy jumper before dancing my way into some skinny jeans and slipping on my maroon leather converse. I applied some winged eyeliner before adding a rustic silver bracelet that Tony had bought me to my left wrist. It had various charms on it - a ballet shoe, a star, a love heart, a backpack, a globe and a rose.
'There's a car outside, think it's Kate!' Shouted Tom from the other room. Grabbing my satchel, I stuffed my purse and phone in it before fleeing the house. I walked down the path, trying to act normal, and slid into Tony's black car.
'Choose what you wanna listen to,' he said, gesturing towards the glove compartment. Looking through the pile of CD's, I smiled as I seen a Pierce The Veil one. 'Ugh, really?' he smiled, watching me put it in.
'Yep,' I grinned, turning my head away and looking out the window.
The drive was silent, but not awkward. I allowed my head to bob in time to the music and I noticed Tony's fingers playing the wheel like it was covered in guitar strings. The song finished and the car fell silent for a few seconds before Kissing In Cars began.
I couldn't bring myself to press 'skip', and he had suddenly tensed up, knuckled white as he grasped the steering wheel. I listened intently to the lyrics as the filled the otherwise silent car, my mind falling back to the night I was with Tony when he was writing them.
The song ended, concluding our journey. Turning off the ignition, we sat and stared at the building for a minute before getting out the car.
Tony put his hand on the small of back and kept it there as we entered the community centre. Walking into a room with around 12 people inside, I stepped forward to the man with the badge on and introduced myself. He was quite small and had a little bit of a beer belly.
'Hi,' I said, 'I'm new here.'
'Oh, hello. My name is Gordon, I'm the group leader for Friday nights. There's no need to fill anything out, just come when you feel ready. What's your name?'
'Julie,' I said, releaved that it was not compulsary for me to come.
'Ah, welcome! Your boyfriend here will need to wait outside with the rest of the family and friends I'm afraid.'
'Um,' I turned to Tony who was blushing like crazy. He stuck his tongue out at me before exiting the hall, turning right to where I remembered a row of seats to be.
TONY'S POV
Taking a seat on the blue chair, I stared down at the floor as I tried stop myself from blushing for any longer. Out the corner of my eye, I noticed an old man sitting next to me, his foot tapping the floor at great speed.
'You okay?' I asked, lifting my head.
'It's my son's first time in there, I want to be with him. He's got bad anxiety.'
'He'll be okay,' I nodded, 'they're really friendly in there.'
'How do you know? Have you been in?'
'I use to go in with a friend, when they allowed it.'
'Oh,' he said, his head falling.
I looked at the walls surrouding me, reading every single poster on top of the horrid grey/blue background. 'Stop smoking!' seemed to be the most common theme throughout the vast collection of posters, the second being 'Cancer: Ge Yourself Checked'.
Twiddling my thumbs, I sat hunched over as I waited for the endless hour to pass. To my surprise, around 15 minutes later, bodies were flowing out of the small room. Julie grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight, and pulled me out of the building.
'Why couldn't they let you come in? Am I being stupid? That was horrible. I can't do that alone again. I can't go back. What if we say I'm deaf? Or, like, suddenly blind? I can't do it. Ugh, I hat-'
'Breathe,' I said soothingly, taking her other hand and pulling her close to me. 'You're still here, right?'
'Right.'
'Then you're fine,' I whispered against her forehead before kissing it gently. Pulling away, I let my eyes meet hers and she stared at me, eyes not daring to move.
She stepped off the pavement, pulling me along. We went back to the car and clambered in, turning to each other straight after and letting our eyes fall upon each other again. We both leaned in, heads slightly tilted, and paused as I could feel her breathe on my skin. My eyes were now fixed on her lips, the lips that I kissed a million times before. The lips that made me feel okay, that lifted me off the ground.
As I thought about the moment, it occured to me that she wasn't mine. You're not a cheater, don't be a douche. Realising that the one person in the whole world who had the ability to make me feel better couldn't do so because of some idiot she was dating, I began to panic.
JULIE'S POV
Without warning, Tony flew back and swore under his breathe. He slammed his fist against the steering wheel, still murmuring. Grabbing it with both hands, he lay over it and let his head rest on the top. He was panting and his hands were shaking slightly.
Before I could say anything, he was taking off his seatbelt and was climbing out of the car. I watched, stunned, as he slammed the door and stormed to the edge of the carpark and to a tree. I couldn't see him well, but the street lights gave off enough of a glow that I could make him out. He had his hands over his head, and was pacing back and fourth. I began to get scared as I watched him do the exact same thing over and over again. I watched as he kicked the trunk of the tree, punching it straight after. I'd never seen such rage from him.
He stopped fighting the tree and stood still. From what I could tell, he was wiping away tears. Minutes later, he came back to the car - eyes red, knuckles bleeding - and pulled out of the parking space with saying a word.
'Since I left,' he began, finally explaining himself, 'I kept getting panic attacks. I couldn't tell the guys, our dream was coming true, y'know? I had to ride it out. Anyway, they keep getting worse. I don't know how to stop them and it makes me angry.'
'Really angry,' I added, brushing my finger across the spot just below his bleeding fist.
'Yeah, I'm sorry. I wish you never had to see that.' He took a deep breathe, 'Please don't tell anyone?'
'Fine, but talk to me before you try and fight a tree again, okay?'
He smiled a little, 'Right.'
I laced my pinky with his, making sure I didn't turn the steering wheel as I did so. 'It's a promise,' I whispered, as though it was a secret.
Notes
hellodid you like this chapter? tell me your thoughts below, I like to hear what you think.. predictions etc etc.
I hope you guys are doing well.
I'm having a shit weekend.
A really crap one.
OCD sucks. Anxiety sucks. Self harm sucks.
I love you guys so much! Hope summer's going well for you all<3
8/1/13