"Jaime, what are you doing here?" I muttered softly, playing with the hem of his t-shirt that adorned my body.

A smile was present on his face, but it lacked its usual luster. "I wondered where that shirt went," he responded, dodging my question; his voice was small and sad, missing the joyful quality that was always laced within his words.

"Jaime - " I started, my tone scolding yet weak as I pressed for him to get to the point.

He mindlessly tossed his hands in the air, his head dropping as if he felt defeated, and I felt the stone facade I had built around my heart begin to crack, slowly breaking apart piece by piece.

"I just, you left, Ro. And it was all my fault. You wouldn't answer my calls, and I, I didn't know what else to do. I needed to make sure that you're okay."

"Oh yeah, Jaime, I'm just lovely," I barked, eyeing him condescendingly. I was trying, with all my might, to keep my walls up. It was the only way I would be able to make it through without breaking down.

He bowed his head once more, shoving both hands into the front pockets of his jeans.

"I know you're mad at me. You have every right to be. I shouldn't have said the things I did; it was none of my business." His voice cracked as if he would break into tears at any moment. "I am so, so sorry, Rowan. I overreacted, and I hate myself for it. I just, I know you're angry and I'm the last person you want to see right now, but I needed you to know how angry I am with myself, and how sorry I am."

"You think I'm mad at you?" I questioned, still trying to digest his rambling statement. "Wow, Jaime, you must not know me at all."

He raised an eyebrow at me, cocking his head to the side out of utter confusion.

"Jaime, I'm not mad at you; I never was mad at you. What you said hurt me, Jaime; it hurt more than I ever thought words could"

"Ro-"

"It's not easy to be degraded by the person you care about most in this world, Jaime. That's why I left. I couldn't stand to be there when my own best friend was disgusted with me."

He looked at me, really looked at me for the first time since he stepped through the door. He looked more broken than I had ever seen him; he didn't look like the Jaime I knew and loved, and as the tears began their slow descent down my cheeks, the walls around my heart gave way, leaving the gates open with nothing to guard my emotions.

He took a step toward me, but I backed up, not able to handle the closeness.

"Rowan, I'm not, I could never be, you don't disgust me. You never could. You're my best friend; I love you more than you know. I don't know why I got so upset. I just, that was so unlike you."

"I'm an adult," I started, "I can make my own decisions, Jaime. And yes, it was a poor decision, I know that, but you yelling at me was the last thing I needed."

He nodded understandingly. "I know it was. You're right; you didn't deserve it. And I, I don't know what else to do to make this okay. I know it's not okay, but Rowan, you're my best friend. And I can't lose you."

It felt as if someone had driven a stake right through my heart. You're my best friend. He has spoken those words time and time again, but this time was different. This time they were the worst four words I've ever heard, four words I never wanted to hear again. Because I didn't want to be Jaime's best friend anymore; I want to be more than that.

"Jaime," I mumbled, looking at him with teary eyes, "I just, I can't do this right now; it's late. Can you just, go please?" He looked so broken and frail, as if he was a projection of my heart.

"Okay, Ro, I'll leave, but I, are we good? Will we be okay?"

I scoffed. "No, Jaime. We're not fucking okay." His eyes widened, and through the darkness I could practically see them filling with tears.

"We're, I know I screwed up Rowan, but I, this can't ruin our friendship. Please, Rowan..."

"You just don't get it, Jaime, do you?" I practically whispered.

"Get what?" His response was quick, fast.

"You, never mind," I said, shaking my head as I turned away from him, trying to leave him behind.

"Rowan, would you fucking stop!" His hand latched onto my shoulder, forcefully yet gentle all at once. "You can't just close yourself off from me or none of this is going to get fixed." The anger within his eyes began to dissolve, only restarting the fire within myself as I gazed deeply into them. "Tell me. What is it that I don't get?"

"You don't get that I don't want to be your fucking friend anymore, Jaime!" I yelled loudly, my voice echoing throughout the small living room, surely waking Sydney, if she had even been asleep at all.

His face fell, his hand dropping from it's place on my shoulder, and I watched as he swallowed hard, his adam's apple bobbing dramatically.

"I don't just want to be your friend, Jaime. I want to be more than your friend."

He stepped away from me, creating several feet of distance between us, and I watched as a dozen different emotions paraded across his face, making him almost impossible to read.

On the outside I kept my composure, waiting patiently for him to speak, but on the inside my body was in knots, the fear of rejection making a home in my veins, burning me alive. I shouldn't have told him, I never intended to, at least, not like this. It just slipped out, and now more than ever I wished I could turn back time.

"You what?" He finally croaked out as if the gravity of my words had finally sunk in.

I looked up at him, my heart aching, and now I was the one who had some explaining to do.

"Jaime, I know this is a shitty way to say this, and I don't know what happened, I just, one day I woke up and I realized that I loved you, and -"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" His voice rang out roughly, causing me to flinch, and for the second time in a week I saw a side of my best friend that I had never knew existed. "You love me. You fucking love me, Rowan? Are you being serious right now?"

"Hime-"

"No! Why now, Rowan? Why now when I'm finally fucking happy and in love with someone else?! Why not three years ago when I finally had the nerve to confess my feelings for you, feelings that I had been hiding for years, and you turned me down and left me sitting there like a fucking idiot?!"

The tears streamed from my eyes as if a faucet had been turned on inside my head. The look of despair on his face matched that of my heart, and I couldn't keep my composure any longer.

"I know, Jaime, and I'm sorry, but," I paused, sniffling, trying to find the right words that might turn this entire situation around. "You can't decide when you love someone; it doesn't work that way, Jaime..."

He started for the door quickly, and I found myself following after him, reaching out and trying with all my might to stop him from walking out on me, even though only moments ago I would've given anything for him to leave.

As he felt my fingers brush against the colorful lighthouse etched into his forearm, he stopped, keeping his back to me, his head falling as it shook back and forth.

"Jaime," I prodded one final time in a last ditch effort to get any response from him.

"Rowan, stop," he muttered, not bothering to face me. "Now I'm the one who can't do this." And with that he threw the door open, stepping out into the hallway and slamming the door shut behind him.

A sob wracked my body, and I instinctively wrapped my arms around my body as the realization of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had wanted more from Jaime, more than just a best friend.

But I would've rather had Jaime as a best friend than not at all.