Close Both My Eyes

I'm falling in love with my best friend.

Jaime. My best friend. My friend.

I'm not, no, this isn't supposed to be happening. This isn't right. No.

Why? Why now? Why the hell and I seeing Jaime in a different light now? Even after all these years of being friends.

Why not three years ago when Jaime had feelings for me? Why now, all of a sudden. This makes no sense. It's driving me insane.

What changed? Jaime is still the same Jaime he's always been.

Well, except now he's taken. He has Jessica. And I shouldn't have these feelings. It's not okay.

"Rowan!! Earth to Rowan!! Hey!"

Snapping back into reality I looked up, meeting Mike's eyes as he stared curiously down at me.

"We're going to head over to the pool table. You wanna join us?"

I looked back towards the bar and down at the nearly empty glass of alcohol that sat in front of me.

"No thanks," I said, "I'm good here. Go have fun." He smiled crookedly at me, lingering a moment before nodding his head and wandering to the other side of the room where Vic and Tony waited at the pool table.

Grabbing the glass of whiskey in my hand I swirled it around as I stared at the liquid that was left. My mind was racing, it wouldn't stop. Thoughts of Jaime wouldn't leave me alone.

None of this made any sense to me. I didn't ask for this, for these feelings. I don't want them. It was so sudden; it seemed like one moment Jaime was still my best friend, and now I was looking at him in an entirely different light.

Or maybe it wasn't so sudden; I didn't really know anymore. All I know is that I don't want this. And I needed it to go away.

With that I downed the remaining liquor in one gulp before ordering another...and another...and another.

At some point a man, Justin I think, joined me at the bar, chatting incessantly in my ear. His company wasn't originally wanted or needed, but as time went on, as more drinks were consumed, I found myself joining in on the conversation.

I needed the distraction, and speaking to him was only helping the alcohol do it's job.

I was desperate to make the thoughts go away, to go back to thinking of Jaime as my friend and nothing more.

So desperate that I left the bar to head back to the hotel with Justin in tow...