These Stars Defy Love

Sometimes I knew it was coming. Other times I had no idea and I found myself in fits of hysteria without any clue. Sometimes it was mania, sometimes it was depression. And every time, I couldn't control it. This was one of those times where it creeped up on me and jumped out without so much as a small hint it was on the way. And now I was sitting on the floor of the shower, completely clothed, bawling and rocking back and forth trying to breathe, which was proving to be harder than it had ever been in my life. I couldn't calm myself down. I couldn't think rationally. My whole life was a disaster. I was a waste of space. I was making all the wrong decisions. I was falling in love again. And he was going to hurt me, just like everyone else. As the cold water poured over me I tried to bring myself back to reality. I tried to calm myself down. Nothing was working. I barely felt myself push the shower curtain to the side and dig through my things. I was hardly there. I became detached in moments like this. I didn't start to come back to myself until I felt the blade slide down my arm. The moment I felt the warm blood run along my skin with the cold water I could feel my body again. So I slid again. Anything to bring myself back. Anything to make me feel my body was still a part of reality. I slid the blade down my arm a third time and became aware of the sobs that were ripping themselves from my throat. I was crying uncontrollably. Ten seconds later there was a banging on the door. I tried to stop crying so they'd go away, but I couldn't.

"Everly? Are you alright?" I glanced down at my wrists. I had cut deeper than I had intended too. That happens when you can't feel your body. That happens when you can't tell if you are even still real. "Everly. Please answer me." He sounded panicked. He was scared. I was doing this to him. I tried to wipe the blood away but it just kept pouring out. "Everly open the fucking door!" No. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't see me like this. He'd leave. He was going to leave. I pressed against the cuts, trying to stop the bleeding. "Goddammit." I heard him swearing to himself as he shook the handle. "Mike, fucking help me!" I pulled myself into a tiny ball and tried to disappear into the floor. I wanted to melt and go down the drain with the water and my blood.

"Just move." Tony kicked the door open without even hesitating. I turned my back to them and tried to hide my arms, but the blood just kept pouring down the drain.

"Holy shit." Jamie said from the doorway.

They were all standing there. They were all witnessing my breakdown. I wanted to die even more than I did 10 minutes ago. Before I could say anything or stop anyone Vic was in the shower with me. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my arms, pressing down. "Someone call 911."

"NO! NO! You can't! Please don't. It's not that bad. I've done worse and been fine. Please stop. No." They all shifted nervously for a moment.

"Everly let me see." Mike was going to compare them to last time. I knew he was. And I knew he'd see they were worse. But I knew how far I could push myself. I had been doing this for 8 years. I looked up at him and then glanced over at Tony and Jamie and curled myself into a ball again. I heard Mike whisper and the two of them left the room. Vic peeled the towel away from my arm and I felt his body fall as he looked at my arms. He wrapped them back up and I pressed my body against his. He wrapped the arm around me that wasn't holding the towel.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry." I sobbed against his chest and he kissed my forehead, all while shushing me and trying to calm me down. He was soaking wet. He was scared. He ruined a towel. He was sitting on the floor of a shower in his clothes, holding someone who was more of a mess than a girl. Mike reached over and turned off the shower. I couldn't look at him. I told him I'd never do this again. What was I thinking.

"Everly you have to calm down. If you can't calm down we're calling an ambulance." I looked up at him, terrified.

"Mike, please don't. They'll admit me. Please don't let them take me. Please!" Vic wrapped both arms around me and held me tightly.

"Just calm down Eves. If you calm down we won't have to call anyone." He said it so gently as he hugged me, I started to breathe a little more normally.

"Mike please don't be mad at me. Please." Mike shook his head and wiped tears from my face.
"I could never be mad at you Evee. You're okay."

"Why the fuck am I falling apart?" I whimpered into Vic's chest.

The three of us sat there on the bathroom floor for I don't know how long. When the bleeding stopped all the way Vic stood up and picked me up and started towards my room. "I don't want to be in there." He looked down at me and turned towards his room. He kicked the door shut behind him and set me down on the bed. I could hear Mike and Tony and Jamie talking in the hall.

"Shh. Just ignore it. Nobody is mad at you. You're okay." He peeled my soaked clothes off of me and wrapped me in a towel and then found a big tshirt. He slid it over my head and helped me lay down before he changed out of his own soaking clothes. He crawled into bed next to me and wrapped me up in his arms and held me close to him. I buried my face in his chest and tried to stop the tears from falling from my eyes.

"I'm sorry im getting your shirt wet again." He actually laughed as I said it.

"Stop Everly.You're okay.You don't have to be sorry for anything."

"Do you hate me? Are you mad at me?" I paused and pulled away from his chest to look at him.

"Are you scared of me?" He pushed me back onto his chest and played with my hair as he held me.

"No baby. I could never feel any of those things." I felt myself start to fall asleep and tried to fight it. "Shh. You need to let yourself sleep. You need to calm down."

"I'm so sorry."

I fell asleep crying on his chest. When I woke up it was dark outside, and I could hear the four of them whispering in the hall. I didn't want to move. I wanted to hide forever. But I couldn't. I had to say something. I had to explain. I needed them to know I wasn't crazy. I sat up and regretted everything immediately. I was so dizzy. I slowly crawled out of bed and pulled on some shorts I found on the floor. I stood up slowly and grabbed the handle of the door. I took a deep breath before turning it, and heard them all go silent. I opened the door and stepped out of the room. They were all standing right outside the door. Nobody said anything, they just stood there staring at me. Eventually Vic took a step towards me and hugged me. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up... we were... well we were talking about what to do." I pulled away from Vic and looked at all of them.

"Listen. I know this is going to be damn near impossible for all of you, but can you maybe try to not treat me any different?" Tony nodded and said he'd try. Jamie just looked at me like I was broken. I couldn't take my eyes away from Mike though. He had to be so angry. I told him I'd never do this again. I wanted to talk to him so bad, but I didn't want Vic to let go of me. And I was still so tired. "Um... I want a milkshake..." Mike walked into his room and grabbed something off of his dresser. He walked back out and handed me a vanilla shake. I burst into tears. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm a fucking mess. I'm such a fucking mess and ive done this enough times that you knew what I'd want when it was over. I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry." I was sobbing again. Harder than I had been in the shower. Vic wrapped his arms around me and led me down the stairs and into the living room.

The five of us sat down and after two hours of crying and talking about everything, explaining that this was far from being the first time this had happened, but that I had been doing so much better in the past year and a half, I finally felt somewhat pulled back together. They all agreed to try to treat me the same, and I agreed to go and find one of them if I started to feel like that again. The four of them devised a plan to ensure I would always be able to reach one of them. I looked around the room and wiped the last of my tears away. "I'm really sorry I put you all through that. But you don't know how much it means to me that you guys are taking care of me the way you are right now. Up until Mike I never had anyone that cared this much, and now I have all of you... it makes me feel like I'm going to be okay."

"Of course we're taking care of you Evee. We love you." Jamie smiled at me and that warm sweet smile made my body start to relax.

"And you don't have to apologize to us. We're sorry we didn't realize you were struggling." Tony wrapped his arm around me and hugged me tightly. I yawned and rubbed my eyes slowly.

"I think maybe it's time for bed. It's been a long night." Mike glanced up at the clock as he stood up and stretched. "I'll see you in the morning, alright Everly?" I nodded at him and he headed up the stairs, Jamie and Tony trailing behind him. I pulled my legs up to my chest and shifted my body to look at Vic. He was watching me, just like he had been since he found me on the shower floor.

"I'm sorry."

"Eves. You have to stop saying that. You can't help it. We just need to figure something out. Find some other outlet. It'll be okay... Do you want to go to bed?" I shook my head, but then yawned and peeked over at him.

"Sort of... but not really. Can I sleep with you tonight? I don't want to be alone."

"Of course you can Eve. But let's not pretend you don't sleep with me most nights." He chuckled and then stood up, helping me off the couch. We headed up the stairs and into his room and quickly curled up in bed together. He played with my hair and I tucked my head into it's perfect spot on his chest. I couldn't believe how safe I felt when he held me. I nuzzled him softly and then looked up at him. He kissed my forehead and pulled me closer. "Go to sleep babe." I gave him a small smile and tucked my head into its spot.

"I know this is probably a terrible time to say this, but I think I'm falling in love with you Victor Fuentes." I felt his breathing speed up slightly as I fell asleep on his chest.

***

The next morning I woke with Vic's arms still around me. As I rolled away slightly, I felt him slowly wake up and stretch. "Good morning sleepyhead." I smiled up at him and he tucked my hair behind my ear and kissed my nose.

"How long have you been awake?"

"I just woke up, so not long at all." I rolled away from him and stretched out, yawning loudly. I sat up and grabbed my phone from the night stand. It was still early, 8am. I glanced over at him. "Sorry I woke you up."

"You don't have to be sorry at all babe. I was probably waking up anyways." He smiled at me and sat up too. "Listen Everly. I did a lot of thinking last night after you fell asleep. And I know I promised we wouldn't treat you any different, and I'm gonna keep that promise. But I don't think you should be left alone right now. So I think we're gonna cancel the mini tour. It's just five shows, and we're going to all the locations again during the actual tour. It's a week though and I really feel like we need to be here for you." I shook my head vigorously.

"No. You can't do that. You have fans that need those shows. You can't disappoint them. And you've all been so excited, it's been forever since you've been on tour. Please, please don't cancel. I'm begging you." He looked at me with the little squint he did when he was watching me, and I felt like I was being examined. I wanted to wrap my arms around myself and hide, but I knew that would just push him further towards canceling.

"Okay..." he started slowly and continued to squint at me. "Well the only other option is for you to come with us." I tilted my head at him. I still hadn't started a job, I'd been living on graduation money. So I wouldn't need to get work off. I didn't have anyone here to stick around for, and the boys hadn't let me get a pet yet. It could be fun. And it would keep me distracted.

"Alright. I'll come.

Notes

Okay. That's sort of the end of the set up for the story. I hope you're enjoying the story so far. I'm super excited to keep going!