I'm Crying Underwater So You Don't Hear The Sound
Bittersweet ~prologue~
This was a joke. Everything was a joke. My whole life was a joke. My existance was a joke— No, it is a joke. Who would love me? Who would ever really love me apart from my mother and father— heck what am I talking about? They probably hate me after finding out what their precious little girl has turned into, they're probably convinced that I'm some sort of monster.
I don't blame them for thinking that. I've convinced myself that I'm a monster. Nothing will ever be right for me will it? Nothing, ever. I wouldn't blame them if they didn't want anything to do with me I mean for Christ's sake I've literally murdered them with all I've done, they also knew though, they were always suspicious since the beginning but they just didn't care enough to notice.
I just wanted someone to care. Fuck them noticing what was wrong, just care for me.. I just wanted somebody to sit with me at 3 o'clock in the morning while I cried and hold me, hold me and not question the moment, hold me and be there for me. I wanted somebody to actually accept me for once. I wanted somebody who would feel the same way I felt about them, I needed somebody who understood me.
I lay in the road, my hair sprawled out across the gravel and my left cheek in contact with the cold surface. It sent chills through me. Those chills branched out in my veins and carried my blood to my still beating heart but maybe it would stop beating. Maybe a car would come by not seeing me and end my life. I slowly let my legs slide down straight and pulled my arms over my abdomen. My left wrist stared at me with such guilt, I tilted it over slightly, enough to see that my blood had stained through the four ply gauze which wrapped around it tightly. A shaky sigh scarpered out, through my lungs and up my throat. Heavy weights pulled down my eyelids, my eyes stung from the tears I had been crying earlier, the tears that were still falling down my cheek and peering out from the corners of my eyes.
Sometimes I thought to myself, Why am I this way? Why was made this way? Those questions were constant throughout my life. Everyday, a blanket of emptiness would wrap me up and take me away. A swarm of bees would find itself in my head and numb me. I could literally feel the paranoia on my shoulder, like a dead conscience gone bad. The darkness threw itself over me like a blanket, it was cold underneath it.
It took me a long while to realise that monsters don't actually sleep in your bed, but they do sleep in your head. They consume you, and control you. Why couldn't my frosted mini wheats sit on my shoulder and talk to me while at school, not these dead consciences. J K Rowling said, "Thoughts could leave deeper scarring than almost anything else." And she's right, she's so fucking right. I'm the girl who has the darkest thoughts no one, especially my parents ever thought they would have.
I just wanted to escape, I needed to escape — I could escape! I'm 18, I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. Nobody's going stop me. I let out a groan. I don't know why, or what that groan meant. I think I was frustrated. I'm not sure.
I — I give up.
You know that feeling when you're surrounded by so many people yet you're so alone? Yeah.. me too.
I don't blame them for thinking that. I've convinced myself that I'm a monster. Nothing will ever be right for me will it? Nothing, ever. I wouldn't blame them if they didn't want anything to do with me I mean for Christ's sake I've literally murdered them with all I've done, they also knew though, they were always suspicious since the beginning but they just didn't care enough to notice.
I just wanted someone to care. Fuck them noticing what was wrong, just care for me.. I just wanted somebody to sit with me at 3 o'clock in the morning while I cried and hold me, hold me and not question the moment, hold me and be there for me. I wanted somebody to actually accept me for once. I wanted somebody who would feel the same way I felt about them, I needed somebody who understood me.
I lay in the road, my hair sprawled out across the gravel and my left cheek in contact with the cold surface. It sent chills through me. Those chills branched out in my veins and carried my blood to my still beating heart but maybe it would stop beating. Maybe a car would come by not seeing me and end my life. I slowly let my legs slide down straight and pulled my arms over my abdomen. My left wrist stared at me with such guilt, I tilted it over slightly, enough to see that my blood had stained through the four ply gauze which wrapped around it tightly. A shaky sigh scarpered out, through my lungs and up my throat. Heavy weights pulled down my eyelids, my eyes stung from the tears I had been crying earlier, the tears that were still falling down my cheek and peering out from the corners of my eyes.
Sometimes I thought to myself, Why am I this way? Why was made this way? Those questions were constant throughout my life. Everyday, a blanket of emptiness would wrap me up and take me away. A swarm of bees would find itself in my head and numb me. I could literally feel the paranoia on my shoulder, like a dead conscience gone bad. The darkness threw itself over me like a blanket, it was cold underneath it.
It took me a long while to realise that monsters don't actually sleep in your bed, but they do sleep in your head. They consume you, and control you. Why couldn't my frosted mini wheats sit on my shoulder and talk to me while at school, not these dead consciences. J K Rowling said, "Thoughts could leave deeper scarring than almost anything else." And she's right, she's so fucking right. I'm the girl who has the darkest thoughts no one, especially my parents ever thought they would have.
I just wanted to escape, I needed to escape — I could escape! I'm 18, I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. Nobody's going stop me. I let out a groan. I don't know why, or what that groan meant. I think I was frustrated. I'm not sure.
I — I give up.
You know that feeling when you're surrounded by so many people yet you're so alone? Yeah.. me too.
6/20/13