August 15th, 2012

“Cammy this is probably the weirdest thing that you've ever made me do.” I whined as two girls continued to work on my hair and makeup.

“It'll be fine. Just pretend that you're in a bathing suit.” She laughed. I glanced over at her, rolling my eyes at how much she was enjoying the pampering she was getting.

“I can't pretend when I know it's not.” I said, pulling the silk robe I was wearing tighter over my chest.

“You girls almost ready?” Jason, Cammy’s boss and the photographer for this shoot, asked.

“They're good to go.” The girl that was doing my hair said as she sprayed some hairspray onto my hair one last time to set the curls.

“Alright, Jacelynn, I want you to watch Cam. I know you're nervous about this but just watch what she does, it'll come naturally.” Jason told me.

I nodded and watched, my arms crossed over my chest, as Cammy posed, smiling for the camera. How was so so comfortable with this? It didn't even phase her. After a half and hour they were done and they brought the pictures up on the monitor. Curious, I went over and looked at them.

“How are you so fucking flawless?” I asked, laughing lightly.

“Comfortable, not flawless.” She said. “I do this all the time, remember? Now get up there.”

“Can I have some wine first?” I asked with a nervous laugh. Cammy smiled and nodded the handed me a glass of white wine which I quickly downed.

Cammy gave me one last pep talk and finally convinced me to get in front of the camera while she was on the phone. After a few awkward minutes I finally relaxed and actually started to have fun. A half an hour Jason had Cammy join me to do some photos together like we had at the last shoot. She came over grinning and handed me a glass of wine. We laughed while we drank and posed. When we were finished we put our robes on and went over to the monitor to look at the pictures.

“Damn Jacie, you look hot.” Cammy laughed.

“Oh shut up.” I said, elbowing her playfully.

“You really are a natural at this Jacelynn.” Jason said as he clicked through the pictures. “Have you ever considered modeling full time?” He asked. I shook my head quickly.

“No, no I'm more comfortable behind the camera.” I said.

“She's a band photographer.” Cammy told him.

“Really?” He said, sounding surprised.

“Why do I feel like I just walked into a porn set?” I whipped around and my eyes went wide when I saw Mike and the rest of the guys walking in the room.

“Uh, what are they doing here?” I asked Cammy.

“Oh, uh, I asked them to bring by food.” She said innocently. I glared at her and pulled my robe tightly around my waist and tied the belt.

“Damn Jacie, you actually look like a girl.” Vic laughed. I turned around and glared at him.

“I always look like a girl.” I said.

“I think he means like a girly girl.” Jaime said, trying not to laugh. “You know, heels, makeup, and your hair done instead of skater shoes, snap backs, and messy hair.”

“Who knew you were secretly a lingerie model when you're not on tour with us.” Mike said as he looked at the screen.

“Okay, all of you, out.” I said as I grabbed Mike and turned him around.

“No, they're fine.” Cammy said. “We’ll just go change real quick.”

“We’ll have the next set of clothes out for you girls when you get back.” Jason said. “Just try to be quick I have another shoot to get to after this one.”

Cammy gave him a thumbs up and dragged me over to the changing room.

“Why did you bring them here?” I asked her through the wall as I stripped down.

“I told you. I asked Vic to bring food, I didn't think he was going to bring all of them.” She laughed.

“They haven't seen me in over a month, of course they're all gonna come, you know that.” I snapped. I pulled my shirt over my head and slipped my shorts on over the bra and underwear that I had worn for the shoot.

“Okay, fine. I knew.” She said as she opened the door. “But they've been back for like a week now, and you're still avoiding Tony.”

“I’m aware.” I said as I shoved my foot into my shoe and tied it. “And now, I'm probably going to avoiding him until the start of the next tour.”

“Why? Because he kissed you and then I brought him here?” She asked.

“No.” I snapped. “Because you brought him here and he saw me in some fancy bra and underwear, and I can never love that down.”

“Oh stop being a baby.” Cammy laughed as she grabbed my hand and forced me to stand up. “You're fully clothed now, so we're gonna go have lunch with them, or dinner now actually since it's almost six thirty, and you're gonna act like nothing happened, and you're gonna be happy to see your boys.”

I rolled my eyes as she dragged me back out of the changing room. We headed back out to the room we were shooting in and Cammy told the guys to follow her to the lounge. We all sat down and started eating silently. I could feel everyone staring at me and I sighed.

“What?” I asked, leaning back on the couch.

“I'm sorry, seeing you all girly looking with all that makeup on is just freaking me out a bit.” Vic laughed.

“I think she looks hot.” Mike said, earning a glare from me.

“Alright, you guys are being weird, I'm leaving.” I said as I got up.

“Oh come on Jacie, we’re just fucking around with you.” Vic said, still laughing a bit.

“Nope, I'm done. I'll see you at home Cam.” I said as I left the room.

I headed back to the changing room but Jason stopped me.

“You leaving?” He asked.

“Yeah, I'm not feeling that great.” I told him.

“Alright, well you can keep the clothes from today if you want. And if you ever feel like doing another shoot just have Cammy let me know and we'll set it up.” He said. “I'll have Cammy bring over the prints for you when they're done just like last time

“Uh, thanks.” I said as I grabbed my bag off a chair and and headed outside.

When I got outside I ran to my car and drove straight back to my apartment. When I got to my building I headed straight upstairs, unlocked the door and went right to my room. I really didn't know what else to do so I just started cleaning. About twenty minutes later I heard the front door open but I ignored it, figuring that it was just Cammy. There was a knock on the door and I sighed as I tossed a shirt into the hamper across the room.

“What do you want Cammy?” I snapped as I pulled the sheets off my bed, throwing them in the hamper too.

“I'm not Cammy.” I looked up and saw Tony standing in the doorway.

“Okay, well the question is the same, what do you want?” I asked. I grabbed new sheets out of my closet and started to put them on the bed.

“I came to check on you.” He said as he grabbed the other side of the sheet and helped me put it on. “You got really pissed off out of nowhere so I figured I'd see what was going on.”

I shook my head and sat down in front of my vanity. I grabbed a packet of makeup remover wipes and started taking all of this stupid makeup off.

“Nothing is going on.” I said. “I'm just tired and I'm a little pissed that Cammy thought it was okay to have you all show up.”

“If it makes you feel any better none of us had any idea what you guys were doing.” He said with a slight laugh as he sat on the end of my bed.

“That's not the point.” I said as I tried desperately to get all of the mascara and eyeliner off. “Fuck.” I cursed. “This is why I don't wear fucking makeup.”

I went into the bathroom and washed my face quickly then headed back into my room, fighting to pull a brush through my hair.

“You're gonna rip all your hair out.” Tony laughed as he watched me struggle.

I just rolled my eyes and sat down at the end of my bed as I continued to fight with my hair. I felt his hand on mine and I froze.

“Let me see it.” He said.

I hesitated but put the brush in his hands. He moved so that he was sitting behind me and carefully pulled the brush through my hair, gently working through any knots he hit.

“You know, we've been back for a week now.” He said.

“I know.” I said quietly. “I've been busy with Cam and helping my grandmother, who is dating now apparently, which is really weird because she's like eighty, and with-”

“Avoiding me?” He asked, laughing lightly. I sighed and nodded.

“To a certain extent.” I admitted. “It's more that I've been avoiding having to talk to you, rather than actually avoiding you altogether.”

“Yeah, kinda figured as much when you wouldn't answer me unless it was in the group message.” He said as he stopped brushing my hair. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail and kept my back to him.

“Yeah well you know I suck at talking about things. And I knew that you were gonna want to talk about it so I've been putting it off.” I said.

“We’re gonna have to talk about it eventually.” He told me.

“Well for now can we talk about something else?” I asked

“Like what, the fact that we caught you modeling?” He laughed. I turned around and glared at him.

“Definitely not.” I said.

“Why not, it looked like you were actually having fun doing it.” He said.

“Because I'm not talking about the fact that all four of my male best friends saw me in nothing but lingerie and a skimpy ass robe.” I sighed as I laid back on the bed.

“If it makes you feel better, you looked great.” He laughed.

“That doesn't help, that makes it worse.” I whined, covering my face with my hands.

“Okay fine, you looked terrible.” He joked. I glared at him and smacked his arm.

“Would you shut up?” I said, trying to sound serious but failing. He laughed again and moved so that his arms were resting on the bed on either side of my head.

“Why are you freaking out so much right now?” He asked, moving a stray piece of hair behind my ear. I swallowed hard and shook my head.

“I'm not.”

“You are though.” He said softly. “What's wrong?”

“Right now? You.” I said. He raised an eyebrow at me.

“Me?” I nodded and took a deep breath.

“You're way too close.” I told him.

“It's never been a problem before.” He said, laughing a bit.

“Yeah well, that was before we kissed.” I said, biting the inside of my cheek as I picked at the nail polish on my fingers.

“Why’s it so different now?” He asked. I just shook my head and tried to look away but he stopped me, placing his hand gently on the side of my face. “Why is it so different now?” He said again, a bit slower this time.

“Because.” I said, taking a deep breath. “I'm trying really hard right now to not kiss you and you're making it difficult.”

“So stop.” He said, his face now only inches from mine. I bit my lip and shook my head a bit.

“I can't. You're my best friend. It's a bad idea.” I told him

“That didn't stop you before.”

“I was drunk before.”

“You were sober at the airport.”

“You kissed me. Not the other way around.”

“You didn't stop me.”

“I should have.”

“Are you gonna stop me if I kiss you now?” He asked.

“I should.” I said, my voice shaking a bit as he leaned in closer.

“But you won't. Will you?” He said, his lips just barely brushing mine.

I shook my head and he closed what little distance there was between our lips. I wrapped my arms around his neck almost immediately, pulling him down on top of me. He put one hand on the back of my neck, deepening the kiss, while the other rested on my hip.

“Jacie?” Cammy called as the front door opened and closed. I immediately stopped kissing Tony and sighed. Of course she chose now to come home.

“Ignore her.” He said softly and then kissed me again. I shook my head and pushed him away.

“Door isn't locked, actually, it's wide open.” I said as I sat up.

“Jacie, you here?” Cammy asked as she walked down the hall.

“Yeah, I'm in my room.” I said.

“Good,” she said as she stood in the doorway. “We’re going to the bar, go get ready.”

“And if I don't want to go to the bar?” I asked.

“Tony, tell her she's going to the bar since she actually listens to you.” She said.

“I guess you're going to the bar.” He laughed. I glared at him then rolled my eyes.

“Fine. Both of your get out so I can change.” I said

“Make sure you at least try to look nice, I got you a date.” Cammy said, sounding proud of herself. I rolled my eyes and kicked both her and Tony out so I could change

~*~

“Hey, our Victoria's Secret model has arrived.” Mike said as we walked up to the bar. I shot him a glare as I ordered two tequila shots. “Starting the night off with tequila? Damn.”

“Keep calling me a Victoria's Secret model and it's gonna be all I drink the entire night.” I said as the bartender slid my drinks over to me. I took both shots quickly and then turned to Cammy. “So, who is this supposed date with?” I asked her, sounding rather unenthusiastic.

“You could at least try to sound excited.” She said.

“I would, but I distinctly remember telling you like six months ago that I'm done dating, and I'm especially done with blind dates.” I said.

“Yeah well, that was six months ago.” She said waving me off. “Anyways, you remember that blonde that we did a shoot with a few weeks ago?” I nodded. “Well she asked me to set you guys up. She's right over there.” She told me, pointing to a booth directly across the bar from us. I looked over where she was pointing and saw the girl from the shoot who smiled and waved at me.

“Have I ever told you that I hate you sometimes?” I asked Cammy. She just laughed and shook her head.

“You love me, now get over there.” She said, pushing me away.

Despite not wanting to, I went over and sat down with the girl, who informed me her name was Amber. Trying to hold a conversation with her was forced and awkward to say the least. We had almost nothing in common other than the fact that we're both interested in girl. But even then, she was strictly a lesbian and I wasn't. Not even close.

When I told her I was a band photographer she tried talking to me about music, but even that was awkward. All she wanted to talk about was mainstream pop and I was hopelessly confused. I didn't know any of the artists or songs she was talking about. That wasn't my scene. I listened to classic rock and alternative music, the closest I got to what she listened to was pop-punk like Blink, Mayday Parade, and of course Tonight Alive because I was friends with Jenna.

The longer I sat with her, the conversations became more forced and awkward. After an hour I had ordered an entire bottle of tequila and had drank almost half of it to myself.

Somehow though, this girl didn't even notice that I was interested. She just kept talking and flirting. At one point she had her hand dangerously high on my thigh as she kissed her way down from my lips to my neck. I looked across the bar and saw Cammy giving me a thumbs up and a huge smile plastered on her face. I rolled my eyes and looked away.

I was ridiculously drunk, I had a beautiful girl throwing herself at me, I should be having a great time. I wasn't though. Despite what my body was telling me, I didn't want her, that was the alcohol talking. Her lips didn't feel right on mine, her touch wasn't right. I didn't want her, or any girl. I wanted Tony. I wanted to feel his lips on mine again, the way his touch made my skin feel like it was on fire.

I got up suddenly and went back over to the bar, leaving the girl stunned and confused by me suddenly leaving.

“So, how's the date going?” Cammy asked eagerly.

“Horrible.” I said as I looked at the group and realized that Tony was nowhere to be found. “Where’d Tony go?” I asked.

“Honestly, I don't know.” Cammy said.

“He got really pissed and left.” Vic said. I sighed inwardly and turned to Mike.

“Come smoke a butt with me?” I asked.

He nodded and headed outside with me. Mike handed me a cigarette and I leaned against the wall as I lit it.

“So, your date with blondie is going so bad that you're smoking?” Mike asked, laughing a bit. I rolled my eyes and nodded.

“I don't even know how to talk to her.” I said. “She's like the total opposite of me. She's talking about makeup and mainstream pop music and trying to gossip with me about people I don't even know.”

“Well from where we were sitting it was looking a lot like opposites attract.” He said. I shook my head and took a long drag.

“Not in the least.” I said as I blew the smoke out. “I don't think I've ever been so uninterested in someone who was throwing themselves at me like that. Even with half a bottle of tequila in my system.”

“Well shit.” He laughed. “Who's got your attention so much that you're passing up a hot blonde model?”

“What? No one.” I said quickly.

“Liar.” He said. “Is it a girl?” He asked. I shook my head and took another drag. “Oh my god you're actually into a guy?” He practically yelled. “Are you sick? This is like a miracle.” He asked, putting his hand on my forehead like he was checking for a fever.

“Get your hands off my face.” I said, pushing his hands away.

“Who is it?” He asked.

“No one.” I said again.

“Do I know him?”

“No.” I snapped

“Is it me?” He asked with a playful smirk.

“Fuck off.” I laughed, smacking his arm playfully.

“Come on Jacie, just tell me.” He begged.

“I can't.” I sighed.

“Why not?” I just shrugged and took another drag off my cigarette.

“Because, I'm just… I don't know, I'm confused as fuck right now.”

“Why, because you've been a lesbian for the past five years?” He asked. I sighed and shook my head.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I'm not a lesbian.” I asked

“I know.” He laughed. “I just love how pissed you get when I say that.”

“You're an ass.” I laughed, flicking the ash off my cigarette. We stood there for a minute, neither of us speaking as we both finished our cigarettes. “You have any idea where Tony went?” I asked, breaking the silence.

“No, I can call him for you though.” He offered. I shook my head and put my cigarette out in the ash tray.

“It's fine. I think I'm gonna head back to my place though.” I said.

“You taking a cab?” He asked. I nodded. “Need someone to bring you your car later? Vic will probably be sober enough to drive by the time we leave.”

“No, I drove here with Cammy so I wouldn't have to worry about my car.” I told him. “Just let everyone know that I left for me?”

“Will do Jacie.” He said before he headed back inside.

I caught a cab and went back to my apartment. I unlocked the door and went straight to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of tequila off the top of the fridge, then went to the living room. I took a sip from the bottle and turned on the light, choking on the tequila when I saw Tony passed out on my couch.

I sighed and shook my head then walked over to him. I grabbed the bottle of whiskey that was on the coffee table then put the cap on it and brought it back in the kitchen.

“The hell are you doing here?” Tony asked as I walked back into the living room to shut the lights off.

“It's my apartment.” I said, leaning on the wall.

“Thought you supposed to be on a date.” He said harshly.

“I was, and it sucked.” I told him. He just laughed and shook his head.

“Yeah, looked like you were having a real horrible time with that girl feeling you up.” He said.

“Actually it was pretty fucking bad, you would know but apparently you left to come here and drink all of my whiskey.” I said.

“Sorry I didn't really feel like watching you shove your tongue down some chick’s throat.” He said sarcastically. I frowned and bit the inside of my lip.

“Look if you're just gonna be a dick then you can get the fuck out of my apartment. Go stay with one of the guys or something. I'm not really in the mood to deal with you being a jealous asshole right now.” I snapped.

“Well maybe if you weren't trying to fuck with my head-”

“How am I fucking with your head?” I yelled.

“You fucking kissed me Jace, then I kissed you and you made it clear that you weren't going to stop me. Then half an hour later you're kissing some chick you just fucking met, right in front of me!” He yelled back.

“I did not kiss her.” I said, trying to contain my anger as I took a few steps forward to put the tequila bottle down on the coffee table. “I wanted nothing to do with her. I didn't kiss her back, I didn't touch her, I didn't do anything, except have a horrible time with a beautiful girl because all I could think about was that she wasn't you!”

“You could have just told her you weren't interested. You didn't have to sit there letting her hang all over you.” He snapped.

“And then done what?” I asked. “Huh? Ditch her and go home when I was so drunk I could barely see straight? Be rude and just leave her sitting alone while I went and hung out with everyone else? Ditch her and leave with you?”

“Well you seem to have gotten home just fine now.” He said. I glared at him and shook my head.

“Yeah because I stopped drinking and sobered up.” I snapped. “Unlike you who apparently thought it was okay to come here, drink my fucking liquor cabinet pretty much dry, and turn into an asshole and start yelling at me in my own fucking home.”

He didn't say anything after that. He just stared at his hands that were clasped tightly together resting on his legs. I went down the hall to the linen closet and grabbed and blanket and pillow from it and then went back to the living room. I threw them on the couch next to him and grabbed the tequila bottle off the coffee table.

“You can sleep here, but only because you're too wasted to drive. I'm going to bed, I suggest you do the same and don't even try talking to me until you're sober and done being a fucking asshole.” I said harshly as I turned to leave the room.

“You know I wouldn't be being an ass if you could just make up your damn mind and figure out what you want.” He called after me. I sighed and shook my head but kept walking.

“Keep talking and I'll have you sleep in the hall and I won't stop anyone if they try to kick you out.” I called back to him and then slammed my bedroom door shut.

I kicked my heel off and took off my pants and shirt as I walked over to my dresser. I grabbed a pair of sweatpants and an oversized shirt and put them on quickly before crawling into bed, turning Grey’s Anatomy on and cracking open my bottle of tequila.

I sat through three episodes, drinking and barely paying attention, then decided to go to sleep before I went any further on the show without paying attention. I put the cap on the tequila and set it on the nightstand and turned off the tv and the overhead light. As I climbed back into bed and got comfortable there was a knock at the door. I sighed but ignored it and tried to sleep until there was another knock.

“Fuck off, I'm sleeping.” I groaned, covering my head with my pillow as the door opened. The bed shifted as someone, who i assumed could only be Tony since I hadn't hear Cammy come in yet, laid down next to me. He moved the pillow from on top of my head and wrapped his arms around my waist, burying his face in the back on my neck.

“What do you want?” I asked, my words slightly slurred.

“I'm sorry.” He said quietly against my neck. I took a deep breath and sighed as I shook my head.

“I'm still not talking to you.” I mumbled.

“You're talking to me right now.” He laughed. I rolled onto my back and glared at him.

“I'll make you go back to the couch.” I warned.

“No you won't.” He said, pushing the stray hairs that had fallen onto my face behind my ear.

“Yes I will.” I said. He smiled and shook his head.

“You won't.” He said. I sighed and rolled my eyes as I moved back onto my side.

“Fine. You're right.” I said, grabbing his hand and intertwining my fingers with his, pulling his arms tighter around me. “Only because I don't like sleeping alone. I'm still mad at you though.” I told him.

“I know.” He said. We laid there in silence for a few minutes before he spoke again. “Jace?” He asked.

“Hm?”

“What do you want?” He asked. “From this. Us, I mean.” I sighed and rolled back over so I was facing him.

“I don't know. I don't even know what this is other than a big confusing mess.” I said honestly. “What do you want?”

“I don't want to fight with you.” He sighed. “Overall, I don't know either. But what do know, is that right now I'm laying next to a beautiful girl, who happens to be my best friend, and all I can think about is kissing her again.”

“Something tells me that won't help the situation very much.” I said, laughing lightly.

“Probably not.” He laughed, his thumb gently stroking my cheek. “That's not stopping me from thinking about it though.”

“Well do something to stop thinking about it then.” I told him.

As soon as I finished my sentence his lips met mine. Despite everything inside me screaming to stop him, I didn't. Instead I pulled him on top of me, my hands on the back of his neck deepening the kiss. In this moment, I didn't care that that he was my friend and that friends don't kiss. All I could think about was how his lips felt on mine and his hands under my shirt on my bare skin.

He kissed his way down to my neck while grinding slowly against my hips. I moaned and pulled his face back to mine, kissing him hungrily. He kept grinding against me and dug his nails into my back. I arched my back, pressing myself against him more as I tangled my hands in his hair. His hands traveled down my back and grabbed the bottom of my shirt. He broke the kiss momentarily as he pulled my shirt over my head. I caught the shocked look on his face and felt my cheeks heat up when I remembered that I wasn't wearing a bra.

He tossed my shirt aside after his moment of shock, and went back to kissing my neck. As he kissed his way down my neck to my chest, his fingers lightly brushed over my pant line. I bit my lip and tried to slow my breathing but my heart was practically beating out of my chest at this point. His hand made its way under both my sweatpants and underwear as his lips found mine again. Suddenly I grabbed his hand and stopped kissing him. He pulled away and looked at me somewhat confused.

“We can't do this.” I said, breathing heavily as I moved out from underneath him. “It's just going to make things more confusing.”

He sighed but nodded and got up. He grabbed my shirt off the floor and tossed it to me. I sat up and put it on quickly. Tony just stood there and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

“I'm just gonna gonna go sleep on the couch.” He said after a minute. I nodded and watched as he left the room then fell back against the pillows. What the fuck were we doing?

Notes