Playlist Love

***I'm so sorry I'm so bad at updates! A new chapter will be up by the end of the month***

“Tell me pretty lies; look me in the face.”

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I sat on the ledge in front of the window in the attic. It was well past midnight and I was home alone. Mom was trying to get moved to the night shift at the hospital so they were transitioning her tonight. Rick had called at 8:30 saying he would be home late. That was five hours ago.

As for me, I was stressing out over auditions. I had yet to decide if I was going to sing the song I debuted to my friends. There were just too many bad memories associated with those lyrics; memories that I’d rather forget.

I looked down at my lap which had my hands in it. I ran a finger down the length of my left wrist. The motion tickled, but I wasn’t focused on that. I was picturing the red that I’d see too many times before. It was flowing down my wrist like a steady stream with no end in sight. It went from the base of my hand to my elbow. Slowly, smoothly.

I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts and looked out the window once more. There was a full moon out tonight, and it hung high overhead. I stared at it with a sense of wonder. I wondered what it would be like to live on the moon. Surely no problems would follow me out into the cosmos.

I brought myself out of my daydream and pushed myself off the ledge. It was too late for me to be thinking about not existing where I currently was. Plus it was getting cold. I made my way down the stairs and put the ladder back up quietly. Then I headed off to my room.

A noise from downstairs stopped me. I turned toward the source of the sound: downstairs.

“Hello?“ I called out. There was no answer.

Now I know what you’re thinking, and I promise you I’m not an idiot. I just thought that it was Mom. It was almost 2 in the morning and I thought she had come home for something during her break. That’s why I went downstairs.

I went down slowly. It was dark and in all honesty I was beginning to doubt that Mom was at the door. Still, I went down, and opened the door.

It wasn’t Mom. Instead, standing in the threshold, was Rick. Drunk off his ass Rick.

“Geez man, what the hell did you do?” I asked as I watched my stepfather wobble on his shaky legs. I grabbed him right before he hit the ground.

“Okay, let’s get you inside.” I lifted him back onto his feet and led him inside.

“This‘s a nice house kid,” he slurred. “You look too young for a nice house like this.”

“It’s your house,” I said as I led him to the couch.

“Right, I knew that.”

I shook my head. “Wait till Mom hears about this,” I mumbled.

“My mom’s not here,” he said.

“Yeah I know; I meant my-”

“Oh she’s gonna kill me!”

“Your mom’s not here,” I said slowly.

“Right,” he said calmly, “right.”

I sighed and went into the kitchen to get him some water and start on some coffee in case he needed it.

I leaned against the counter and ran a hand down my face. I couldn’t understand it. What would possess Rick to get shitfaced? He knew how much Mom hated it. Mom wasn’t unreasonable though; she knew that drinking was a stress reliever. She would sometimes have a glass of wine or two after work, but she never came home drunk out of her mind. She was responsible, and up until now I thought Rick was too.

A knock on the door took me out of my thoughts. I looked around, as if a more prepared, grown-up person would answer the door. Then I remembered my drunk-off-his-ass stepfather and I walked to the door.

“Uh, can I help you?” I asked the man standing in front of him. He had an annoyed look on his face.

“Yeah, I just drove some drunk dude here and he said he was going to pay me as soon as he got inside. Well you took him in ten minutes ago and I want my money.”

“Right,” I said with a sigh. “How much?” The man gave me the amount and I ran inside to get the cash from Rick’s wallet. It wasn’t like he was gonna remember this anyway.

“Thanks for bringing him home,” I said as I handed him the money. He simply nodded and gave me a “have a good night”.

I went back into the kitchen to get Rick’s hangover kit and brought it to him.

“Hey, wake up,” I said while hitting him on the leg. He groaned and swatted my hand away. “I don’t want to have to force you to drink this,” I said sternly. I pulled him up to a sitting position. I fed him the straw in the cup of water and stood there holding it until he drank the whole thing.

I watched him as he laid back down on the couch, his arm slung over the cushions and his face on the armrest. I debated taking him up to his room but he smelled of liquor and was already snoring. I signed and headed back to the kitchen to check on the coffee. Maybe Mom would have some when she got home. I left it in the pot and texted her, telling her that it was there if she wanted it when she got home.

I wrote for about two hours until I finally felt my mind slow down and drift off to sleep. Mom had come home some time while I was still up. By the sounds of it, she wasn’t happy. I heard her wake Rick up and yell at him; his drunken self was trying to keep up.

That night I fell asleep to the sound of my parents fighting playing in the background. I hated listening to it but hey, Mom chose to marry him.

***

I woke up at 6:30 in the morning to my mom yelling downstairs. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but her tone of voice told me that she was angry. Mom never got angry.

“How long are you going to keep this up?” I heard her ask as I approached the stairs.

“Mary I’m sorry. It won’t happen again,” Rick answered.

“You say that every time! And look, it still happens. God Rick, just get it together. What if Kellin saw you like that?”

“Hate to break it to you Mary, but I’m pretty sure Kellin is the reason why I’m in this house.”

“Yeah well I wish you weren’t.”

I cleared my throat as I walked down the last couple stairs and into the kitchen.

“Oh, hi Kellin. You want some breakfast?” Mom asked.

“Actually Lynn and I have some things to do before school so I’ll just grab something there,” I said without making eye contact with either of them.

“You sure, kid?” Rick asked.

“Yeah.” I grabbed an apple from the bowl on the counter when I felt their eyes on me. “I’m gonna get ready for school.” I felt their eyes follow me as I walked toward the stairs, but neither of them said anything. I went up and to the bathroom to get out of that awkward moment.

I took as much time upstairs as I could. I washed the events of last night out of my hair and off my skin; I cleansed my body of the fight I had just heard. I changed into new clothes that didn’t reek of disappointment, regret, and worry. By the time I was done I felt like a new man, and I wanted to hold onto that feeling for as long as I could before reality hit me with all that filth once again.

“Kellin?”

I stopped in my tracks at the foot of the stairs. Looks like reality wanted to mess me up earlier than expected.

“We need to talk tonight.” I nodded towards Mom.

“Don’t you have work though?” I asked her.

“No, I pulled my all-nighter last night so I have tonight off. It’ll give us this chance to clear some things up.”

I nodded again. “Sure, Mom.”

She smiled. “Okay, now go to school. You don’t want to keep Lynn waiting.”

I smiled shyly and went to kiss her on the cheek. Then I grabbed my keys and went to school.

***

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re really bad at that?” I looked up from the piano to see Vic standing in the doorway. I hadn’t even noticed that the door opened. “Seriously dude, take lessons or something.”

“I’m not in the mood for this,” I mumbled. I was sitting in a practice room just hitting keys with my finger. I had no idea how to play the thing, hence the reason why I was just hitting random keys.

“What bit you in the ass this morning?” I rolled my eyes.

“None of your damn business,” I snapped.

He put his hands up. “Woah, chill man. I was just messing with you.” I rolled my eyes again. “Seriously, tell me what’s up.”

“And why would I want to do that? Why, so you can make fun of me? So you can torment me more than you already do? So I can feel worse about my life than I already do? Well thanks but no thanks.”

I don’t know why I lashed out, but it felt right. All the shit I had witnessed came out towards Vic, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good to tell him off.

He stood there looking at me, shocked at first, then his face reverted back to its blank state. I sat there staring back at him. I had finally realized what I’d said and I could feel my cheeks turning pink. Oh, if only I could disappear.

“Look, I know you and I didn’t exactly start off in the best way but we have to work together so why not be civil.”

I almost scoffed. Almost. Here he was, Vic Fuentes, the man himself, telling me that I needed to be civil with him. The guy who on my first day told me to watch my back. The guy everyone in school is afraid of for some weird reason. The guy I had been told on countless occasions to stay away from. That guy.

“Why don’t you try being civil with, I don’t know, anyone.”

“Look, I don’t know what shit in your corn flakes this morning but you need to calm the fuck down.”

“Or what?!” I challenged. “What, you’ll beat me up? You’ll spread rumors about me? I’ve been through much worse than that petty shit.”

“Oh I’ll show you worse.” I hadn’t noticed before but we were standing face to face. Our noses were almost touching; I could feel his warm breath on my skin. He was breathing somewhat heavy. His eyes were angry.

I never noticed his eyes before either.

They were a beautiful shade of chocolate brown; like two pools of Hershey’s. I could stare at them all d-.

Wait, am I fantasizing about Vic?

I cleared the thought from my mind and grabbed my bag. I had to get out of there.

“Where do you think you’re going?” I ignored him as I pushed past him and walked out of the room.

I ran down the halls to the nearest bathroom. I needed to be alone; I needed to leave. Unfortunately I never made it to the bathroom. My emotions got the best of me that I ended up sitting on a bench in the atrium.

I sat there as the events of the last twelve hours replayed in my head. Watching my stepdad come home drunk, hearing the fight and possible divorce of my parents, reliving events of my past for a stupid song, and now a moment of weakness between me and Vic’s eyes. My life was falling apart right in front of me and I couldn’t save it. Everything was out of my control and it scared me.

I had no plan for it. I always assumed my parents would make it but now Mom wanted to talk to me about the future of our family no less. I always thought I’d leave the past behind me but then that song makes a reappearance and I’m forced to relive the moments no matter how many new lyrics I write.

I never thought my first crush on a boy would be on my bully, and yet there I was, hating myself for liking the big brown eyes of the guy who was about to make my life a living hell.

The way I saw it I had two options. I could either go back and try to take the path of least resistance, which would mean admitting defeat and possibly opening up to Vic about my personal life because he wouldn’t let it go.

Or I could act like I wasn’t fazed and see how reality wanted to fuck with me. Whatever ways it wanted to do so, I would suffer in silence.

I went with choice number two.

Notes