After laying in bed for a few more hours, wrapped up in Jaime and the blankets, I nudge him for him to let me go. “I’m not letting go.”

Smiling at his reply I pull a bit more. “Hime, it’s 12. Everyone is home and I smell food, we are getting up.” I get up from the bed and walk to the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth, and figure out what to do with the mess of my hair. Realizing that I’m actually hungry, I look at my body seeing I’ve gained a little bit of weight, my ribs no longer so prominent. I finish washing my face and look up, seeing Jaime through the mirror.

“Have I ever told you how good you look in the morning?” I smile at his question and pull my hair up in a bun.

“Yes, you actually have basically every time I’ve stayed the night. You all have. i thought you were just being nice.” I look at myself still in Jaimes shirt, oversized sweats and no makeup on. In my opinion I look horrible. Noticing the expression on my face Jaime walks over and wraps his arms around my waist, kisses my shoulder then pulls away so we can go downstairs for food.

First one to see us is Tony, giving a wink to Jaime, “You guys are official right? We need know if we can give you shit about being a couple or give Jaime shit for being an idiot.”

“You can always give him shit for being an idiot, Tone. But yea, we’re official and no we did not have sex last night if you were wondering ‘cause I know that would be the question after the first night we stay together like that, plus if we had you would’ve heard us” Changing the subject quickly, “What’s for lunch?”

“Pizza, with a side of Jaime,” Mike jokes while handing me a slice of the pizza, earning a laugh from us all and an embarrassed look on my face.

With a grin Tony remarks, “No, he’s going to be her dessert later.”

“God guys, could we not talk about this please?” I’m undeniably blushing now, the red spreading down my neck.

Vic turns serious, “Well, we could talk about something that we haven’t completely talked about.” The rest of the guys stop laughing as soon as they realize that Vic’s talking about what had happened on the night of my breakdown.

“I’d rather talk about my sex life.” I place my half eaten slice of pizza onto the counter, having lost my appetite. Blankly staring down at my hands in my lap, I address the subject. “If you guys have questions you can ask. You already know what happened when I came here so,” I trail off, opening the subject. I'm going to have to face it sooner or later.

“When did you start cutting?” Mike blatantly asks.

Looking up I reply, “Beginning of junior year, sort of. It wasn’t much, nothing deep, not very often. My thoughts just got worse, it became something I turned to.” I sit down on the table before continuing. “I was terrified of losing the only person I had so I hid it. I couldn’t be alone, it wouldn’t have turned out good and I would have never met any of you. Well, besides Hime since I already knew him and he was always the only one I had.”

Tony leaned against the wall, never looking us as if to not face the reality of it. Nothing being said until I hear Vics voice, “Why’d you start though? I understand why the other night, but what made it begin in the first place?”

I know it’s hurting Jaime to hear that he wasn’t there for me when he thought he was. I’m not going to allow him to think thats how it was. Even though it’s hurting him, he comes and sits by my side on the table, placing an arm around my waist. “Uhm, all throughout school I felt like shit. School was never a great place for me and no one got that until I met Jaime. When he came around I began to feel okay again, but then these bitches decided to give me shit every time we were in the locker room changing for gym, every fucking day. That was freshmen year and Jaime knew all about it, there wasn’t really anything that we could do about it though.

“Shit like that just kept coming, it was like there was no escape besides two things, but my mind always wandered to cutting.Girls kept trying to be friends with me to get to Hime, which I do not blame him for this at all, or they’d pretend to be my friend so they could do shit to me, so every time I let someone in they just used me then left. I don’t know, after awhile I realized I truly only had Jaime, I hardly even had dad since my mom had left and he started going out and all of it scared me.”

My boyfriends arm tightens around me as he listens, I’m not sure who this is hurting more. I can’t begin like that and refuse to finish it, so I continue, “I started to realize that no one else wanted me and with that I began to question if Jaime actually wanted me around or if he felt like he was obligated to stay with me. He started having girlfriends and they always said that they wanted me around me, I knew they’d say it so Jaime wouldn’t leave them so I would sit at home at the dark. Yea so I got jealous, didn’t think anything of it besides that these people were stealing my best friend from me.

“It was like that until the end of sophomore year when I actually started to get noticed, which ended like a month after junior year started. Jaime was busy with school shit and friends and once everyone stopped paying attention to me again I went back to laying in my bedroom in the dark when I wasn’t at school or doing homework. I guess my thoughts got worse and wouldn’t leave the thought of cutting, so I found something and did it. It was barely even there, basically a scratch, nothing to cause scarring.”

I have no idea how I remember this, I shouldn’t even be telling them. “So is that all?” Tony asks, still refusing to look up.

“Not really, uh, I didn’t leave it at just one. It would always be multiple everytime I did it. Junior year ended with Jaime turning some of his attention back to me, making me less alone. I didn’t spend every night alone anymore. Even though I questioned it I stayed his friend. He’s known the most about me since we met. I kept things away from him, from everyone, but I thought it was the right thing. I didn’t want to be left, but yea the cutting got worse and more frequent even though I wasn’t alone. The thoughts just didn’t stop so I let it take over which led to thinking about... But by the end of senior year I basically had Jaime to myself, besides the 3 of you and the girl he was with.”

“How didn’t we notice, we’ve seen you in bikinis. I’ve never noticed a single scar like that.” Mike’s stated. It had just hit me that I’ve told them basically everything about me.

“I guess I got good at hiding it. I always wore shorts with my bikinis. But when I got close to you guys I was pretty much never alone, my mind was always preoccupied. It was mostly at night when I couldn't sleep and I was alone and it never ends at night but I still tried to not do it. It's still in my head a lot at night. I can't always tell if I'm awake and my mind is just racing or if I fell asleep and dreamed it. I’m just weak and I give in sometimes. Also why I’m oblivious to some of the shit I feel. I’m scared to feel it so I try to ignore it.” Jaime grabs my hand that I didn’t realize was running over where I have scars. “And now you know basically everything. I’m pathetic but yea. I’d really like to stop talking about it.”

Notes

so i don't know when I'll have the next chapter up, this week is going to be busy cause of 4th of july and I'm still wrting but I'm going to try to have one up on the 3rd if I can
let me know if it's turning to crap or whatever
but yea thank you guys for reading it

title credit goes to Pierce the Veil