He loved me? He… loved me? Austin Carlile loved me?

How could he?
Look at you. He couldn’t possibly love you.
He’s going to toss you aside just like Nick and his friends did.
He could never love you.

When Austin pulled away from me I had tears in my eyes. Based on the expression on Austin’s face I knew he thought they were tears of happiness. I looked behind him at Alan and the others. The expression on Alan’s face told me that he knew what was coming next; there was sadness behind his smile.

“No you don’t,” I whispered as I looked back at Austin. Slowly his expression turned to one of confusion.

“What?” He questioned with bewilderment.

“You don’t love me. How could you?” I told him softly. My brown eyes searched his and I found nothing but confusion. “Look at me Austin,” I instructed. His confusion grew.

“Saint I am looking at you,” he replied and rubbed my cheek with his thumb. I found myself getting angry.

“Look at me Austin!” I yelled and pushed him away. I stood up and took off the shirt I was wearing, exposing my bandaged body. With little to no regard for how much pain I was causing myself I took off the bandages, exposing what I had done to myself. I followed with my jeans and those bandages a second later.

“Saint you don’t have to…” Alan started to say but trailed off when I looked at him with what I assumed was a deranged expression.

“Look. At. Me. Do you still love me Austin?” It took him a while but eventually he did look at me. His eyes scanned over every cut and scar. He took in the dried blood and the fresh blood that was seeping from cuts I had reopened. He took in the bruises from what Nick and his friends had done to me. He took in every flaw down to the tiniest detail.

“Saint… I…” he struggled to say.

He’s finding it hard to even look at you.
And here you thought he might actually love you.
We’re the only ones who will ever love you.

I clamped my hands over my ears and clenched my eyes shut. The torment in my head grew louder and louder and I couldn’t shut it up. I was aware that Aaron was trying to talk to me but I couldn’t hear him over my mind. I began to yell for the voices to shut up but they just got louder. I wasn’t aware that I was clawing at my skin until I was being restrained. And then… the voices stopped.

“I’ve got you,” Austin whispered as he held me. I sought to find any hint of a lie in his eyes but before I could decide if he was being truthful or not I was engulfed by darkness.

---

I wasn’t sure where I was, what time it was, or how long I had been out. I sat up slowly but pain still shot through my body. When I glanced around the room I was in to find that I didn’t recognize it, I began to panic. The only thought that crossed my mind was Nick had gotten to me again. Feeling the need to flee I threw the blanket off my sore body and as quickly as I could left the room.

“Saint are you okay?” I turned around quickly to find Dave standing behind me with a towel wrapped around his waist and water dripping from his hair. He looked worried. I stood at the top of the stairs and stared at him with wide, scared eyes. “Saint you’re okay. I’m going to walk over to you okay?” I was surprised by the way Dave was approaching the current situation but I was grateful for it.

“Okay,” I replied hesitantly. I watched every slow, cautious step he took. When he was only a foot away from me. I placed a shaky hand on his arm. I was testing whether he was real or if my mind was playing games. When I could clearly confirm that he was real I threw myself at him and buried my face in chest. It was wet from the water dripping from his hair but I didn’t care.

“You’re okay Saint. I promise,” Dave murmured as he carefully wrapped his arms around me and ran his fingers through my hair. “How about I go get dressed and then we can go downstairs and I make us something to eat?” He suggested. I nodded and took a couple steps back.

“Where am I?” I asked before he disappeared back into what I assumed was a bedroom. Dave turned around and offered me a kind smile.

“My house.” The answer was simple and the only one he gave. I thought I would be unsettled by being in the house of someone I barely knew, but I wasn’t. I almost felt at home. But not at home enough to wonder around. I stayed at the top of the stairs and waited for Dave to come back; I didn’t have to wait long. Silently I followed Dave down the stairs and into the kitchen.

I watched from the island as Dave rummaged through his fridge and cupboards. From what he gathered it looked like he was planning to make breakfast. My gaze shifted to the large window above the sink; it was dark. Next I glanced at the microwave; it was 11:30 at night.

“So where exactly do you live?” I asked slowly and tapped on the marble island.

“Dallas,” Dave replied. I looked up at him with a surprised expression. How the hell did I get to Dallas? “You’ve been out for nearly two weeks,” he started to explain, “after you fainted on Austin you just didn’t wake up. They planned to take you back to your place and have Alan stay with you, but their tour got extended to take place in Europe. So, I offered to let you stay here so you weren’t alone.”

“Sooo you’re babysitting me?” I questioned.

“Think of it more as me trying to get to know you better,” he chuckled. I nodded and pursed my lips. I had to admit that I would much rather be at Dave’s than home by myself. My house felt too large at the moment. “Do you like pancakes or waffles?”

“Both.”

“A girl after my heart I see.” I couldn’t help but let out a halfhearted chuckle.

“Even if I was, you wouldn’t want me to have it.” I hadn’t meant to say what I was thinking out loud but I couldn’t take it back now. In my peripheral vision I saw Dave coming toward me. When I looked up at him he wiped pancake batter on my nose.

“I think I, and anyone else for that matter, would be honored if you had my heart,” Dave said with a smile. While I knew he was just trying to cheer me up, I appreciated him saying it. Wiping the pancake batter off my nose I returned the favor by wiping it on his cheek.

That was how the kitchen ended up covered in pancake batter, flour, and eggs.

“I guess we should clean up the mess you made huh?” I questioned as I munched on a piece of bacon.

“The mess I made? You mean the mess you made?” He countered.

“You started it. If you hadn’t wiped batter on my nose none of this would’ve happened,” I pointed out. Dave opened his mouth to counter back then closed it.

“Good point. It can wait till we’re done eating though.” That was fine with me. I wasn’t really in the mood to clean. I just wanted to enjoy breakfast at midnight and not have a care in the world. Except I had plenty of cares. Most of them revolved around a certain tall man with brown eyes and a body covered in tattoos.

“You should call him.” I looked up over at Dave with a confused expression. “Austin. You should call him. I’m sure he’d like to hear from you and know you’re okay.”

“He doesn’t care. I don’t blame him either; I mean I did have a mental breakdown in front of him then went comatose in his arms.”

“He’s been asking about you since they dropped you off.” While the news surprised me, I didn’t believe it. “Just think about it okay? And if you don’t want to call him at least call Alan. He’s been worried sick too.”

The rest of breakfast was filled comfortable silence. Every now and then I would glance over at Dave; and each time I looked at him he seemed to be in deep thought. I took the opportunity to really look at him. He was an attractive man. There seemed to be a smile on the corner of his lips at all times which complemented him well. He had a welcoming atmosphere about him.

“Ready to get this disaster cleaned up?” His sudden question made me jump. I quickly realized that I had been openly staring at him but he didn’t say anything or seem awkward about it. I nodded and quickly gathered our plates so I could have a bit of breathing room for a while.

---

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Dave asked as we flopped down on the couch simultaneously.

“It’s two o’clock in the morning,” I informed him but I wasn’t opposed to the idea of watching a movie. I had gotten so much involuntary sleep that I wasn’t all that tired.

“So? Pick one out and I’ll make popcorn.” I watched Dave go back into the kitchen then got up and knelt down in front of the movie case beside the TV. He had large collection of movies but nothing caught my eye.

I settled for closing my eyes and randomly picking a movie. The Time Traveler's Wife. I arched an eyebrow at the case then shrugged. It worked for me. Not knowing how to set up his DVD player, I set the movie on the coffee table and sat back down.

I waited for Dave to come back but he never did. I ventured to the kitchen but he wasn’t there. I furrowed my eyebrows then shrugged. Maybe he was in the bathroom or something. Going up the stairs I went into the room I had woken up in. Dave’s suggestion to call Alan kept nagging at me

I rummaged through my bags until I found my phone. It was nearly dead but I had enough battery to talk with Alan for a short time. The phone rang twice before I was greeted with an excited and relieved hello.

“Saint I’ve been so worried about you!” Alan told me. Although I couldn’t see him I knew he had a look for relief on his face. “How are you?”

“I’m okay. I woke up about three hours ago. Dave has been very accommodating,” I informed him with a small smile. “How are things going in Europe?”

“Awesome! We’re in Munich right now. The crowds have been crazy and all the fans have been amazing as always. Everyone wants to say hello so I’m going to FaceTime you.” Before I could protest Alan hung up and a second later I was getting a FaceTime call. I sighed heavily then answered.

“There she is!” Tino said excitedly when the call connected.

“You’re looking good Saint,” Aaron told me with a relieved smile.

“She always looks good,” Phil chuckled.

“I don’t know, toward the end there she looked like shit,” Alan joked. But it was probably true. I wasn't doing too well the last time I saw everyone.

“Hey guys,” I replied and found myself giving them a genuine smile. I noticed Austin wasn’t among the group but I was trying to not let it bother me.

“Who are you guys talking to?” The moment I heard his voice my heart started to race. I didn't want to see him.

“Saint. Come say hi,” Aaron told him. I was nearly in a full blown panic. But Dave came to my rescue.

“Hey sorry about that, I had to take a call,” Dave explained from the doorway. He glanced at my phone then mouthed ‘who are you talking to?’

“Dave!” Alan yelled. Chuckling, Dave came into the room and sat down beside me on the bed. I moved closer to him so he could be in the picture as well. “You better be taking care of my girl,” Alan warned.

“Of course I am Alan,” Dave replied and put his arm around my shoulder. I leaned into him and rested my head on his shoulder. I noticed Austin in the background but I tried to ignore him.

“We’re going to go watch a movie so I’ll talk to you later Alan.” I was more than ready for the call to be over.

“You better! But in all seriousness, I’m glad to see you up and about,” Alan said with a smile and made a kissy face at me.

“Bye Saint,” Austin with a soft smile and waved slightly. I tried to return the smile as best I could then quickly hung up.

“Are you okay?” Dave asked and kissed the top of my head. I shrugged and sighed. I didn’t really feel anything at the moment; I was just meh. “If you’re up for it I have something that might help take your mind off things.”

“Sure.” I followed Dave into his bedroom and waited awkwardly on his bed while he went into his bathroom to grab whatever he planned to share with me. When he came back out with a mirror, a straw, and small bag of white powder I looked at him with a wary expression.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you don’t do too much or anything,” Dave promised as he set everything down on his bedside table. I had never done drugs other than the ones prescribed by my doctors. But I trusted Dave and I needed something to take my mind off things.

I watched as Dave used the straw to scoop some of the powder onto the mirror. Next he grabbed a card from the bedside table and used it to crush the powder more and then divide it into three lines. I watched as he placed the straw to his right nostril and inhaled one of the lines; the second line followed a moment later in his left nostril.

“If you don’t want to do this you don’t have to,” Dave told me with a earnest smile as he held the straw out to me. I contemplated it for a moment then took the straw. Moving my hair to one side, I placed to straw up to my left nostril and quickly inhaled the powder.

The burning sensation of my nose caused my eyes to water and the foul taste made me gag. Dave rubbed my back and handed me a bottle of water. “Drink some of this and then we’ll lay down for a while.”

“Why do we have to lay down?” I asked in between a gag.

“You have to let it drain out of your nostrils into your system. The roof your mouth and throat will probably end up numb but that’s normal,” he explained. I replaced the cap on the bottle then laid down beside Dave.

I tried to keep from gagging as the coke drained. It tasted horrible but I couldn’t deny that the subtle rush I was getting helped. “Thank you.” I wasn’t sure why I was thanking Dave, but it felt necessary.

“Anytime,” Dave replied. We laid beside each other in silence while the coke numbed our mouths and coursed through our bloodstream. “Ready to go watch some chick flicks?” He asked after a while.

“Always.” I was up for doing anything. The rush wasn’t extreme, but it was enough for me to want to get up and do something. That was a feeling I hadn’t had in a long time. I looked back at the mirror that was still on the bedside table as we got up and smirked. Maybe staying with Dave wasn’t such a bad thing after all.

Notes

Hey guys! It's been a while but I'm back and better than ever. Why you ask? Because I have the talented Miss Lady co-authoring with me. If you aren't familiar with her work then I suggest you read Hearts Exposed; it's brilliant.

Anywhoooo, here's chapter twelve and both Miss Lady and I hope you enjoy it. There are plenty more to come and we hope you enjoy those as well.

Much love,
perpetual xx