The next morning I took a long, hot shower and cleared myself of my drunken memories from the night before. I washed over every inch of my body over and over again. I shaved my legs, armpits, everything, until I felt like I was nicely groomed. Once out of the shower, I actually decided to try and do something with my hair instead of letting it dry in its natural waves. I blow-dried it, straightened it, and made two small braids – one beside each one of my ears. I pulled them back behind my head and secured them with a small rubber-band. I did my make up as I usually did: minimal. Just a winged liner and mascara. My skin was clear, and my eyebrows were thick, so I never had to worry about them. And even if I had to, I just would never care to.

I packed up my things very quickly and headed toward the door of my hotel room. I could hear the boys leaving their own room, and as I took a step the pain between my legs reminded me of what had happened. No matter how much I wanted to ignore it, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t ignore that fact that Tony Perry and I had tried to have sex – did it even count as sex if neither of us even finished? Did it count as sex even though we only did it for a few minutes?

Nerves rushed through me when I realized that I was going to have to face Tony and pretend like nothing had happened. I would have to face Tony and the other guys and try my hardest to not be awkward or different. Because I felt different, and I already couldn’t remember how I would usually act around the guys.

I pushed open the door with my backpack on my back and my duffel bag in my left hand. I pulled the door shut behind me and looked down the hallway. I was hoping that Tony maybe wouldn’t be out there yet, but there he was, standing with his back to me and his attention turned toward Mike who was holding the hotel room door open for Jaime and Vic. I began to walk down the hall, taking a deep breath as I did so.

I suddenly felt stupid for doing my hair.

“Goodmorning 32D!” Mike called down the hall.

I muttered a fuck to myself as Tony turned around to follow Mike’s gaze over to me. I kept my eyes on the ground as I walked up to them, standing right beside Tony as I joined the guys.

“Hi,” I grumbled very silently. I could feel Tony’s eyes looking over my body. He studied my ripped jeans, cheetah print vans and black plunging v-neck.

Jaime walked out and let out a whistle as he saw me. “Damn, Meedie, you look hot. What’s the occasion?”

I rolled my eyes. “What, I can’t dress like a girl just because I like girls?” I let out a small laugh to try and cover-up my agitated tone.

“No, no, by all means, dress like this more often,” Jaime laughed and looked down at the ground as he pulled his rolling suitcase beside him.

Mike called after Vic, and once Vic finally left the room, we all headed down the hall to meet up with the rest of the crew in the lobby downstairs.

“We’re not all going to fit in the elevator with our bags,” Vic said as he shoved himself into the elevator with Mike and Jaime. Their rolling suitcases took up a majority of the space.

“That’s okay,” Tony said. “We’ll take the next one.”

“Do you want us to wait for you in the lobby?” Vic asked as his hand hovered over the button to the first floor.

Tony shook his head. “Nah, just start loading up and we’ll meet you out front.”

Vic nodded and hit the button. As soon as the doors started to close, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my sunglasses to cover my eyes, hoping that they might give me a little more confidence and make me feel less awkward. I didn’t want to talk about last night. But I also didn’t want to ignore that fact that it had happened.

“You look nice,” Tony said softly after hitting the button for the elevator.

“Thanks,” I replied quietly. I kept my head high and my gaze straight ahead. I couldn’t let Tony know that he had an effect on me. I couldn’t let myself know that Tony was able to make me weak in the knees and nervous.

Silence fell over us for the next three minutes while we waited for the elevator to come back up. The ding sounded and we took a step forward as the doors opened. We stepped inside and Tony hit the button for the first floor.

“I like your hair,” Tony said once the doors went to close.

I bit my lip very subtly before mumbling a thank you once again. Things grew painfully quiet and I couldn’t help but feel extremely awkward. Tony kept sneaking glances at me from the side, but I didn’t acknowledge them, I continued to stare forward while chewing on the inside of my cheek to keep myself calm.

I wanted so badly to break the silence. I wanted so badly to say something, to try and understand what the fuck was going on, but there were no words that I could say. Nothing could make the situation better. But I felt like everything could just dig it down deeper and deeper. Nothing could make the situation worse, because I didn’t feel like anything was wrong, just different. Confusing.

We reached the first floor and just as the doors started to open, Tony reached up and pressed the button to close the doors.

“What?” I asked, turning to look at him through my sunglasses.

“Can you take off your sunglasses?”

“No.”

Tony sighed and looked down while running his hand through his hair. “We’re going to have to talk about it sooner or later.”

I shrugged and bit my lip. “Okay,” I said simply, hoping that if I remained short with him he would just give up and let it be. Why can’t anything with Tony Perry just happen and be left alone?

I reached past Tony and pressed the button to open the doors before stepping out. Tony waited a second before following after me, a groan and few angry words escaping his lips before we reached the front doors of the hotel.

I brought my stuff up onto the bus with me and saw everybody all settled in. Vic was sitting on the couch with Casey, Mike was sitting in the back room getting ready to play a video game while Jaime sat on the couch beside him with his headphones in and his attention on his phone. Mike looked down the hall and saw me walk toward the bunks. I shoved my backpack onto my bed and took my duffel bag into the back where Mike was.

I sat down in between him and Jaime and picked up a controller. “I’m gonna kick your ass,” I said casually as I logged into the xbox.

Mike laughed and started up Call of Duty. We picked our guns and the game started. Since we were on the same team, we decided that the person who had the least amount of kills would have to buy the other person drinks later that night. I decided that I was going to go try-hard with a shotgun and ended up getting 24 kills. Mike got 22.

“Rematch,” Mike yelled, “I demand a rematch!”

“Nope!” I laughed and dropped my controller onto the floor. “You’re going to get me drunk tonight. I hope your wallet is prepared.”

Mike groaned and dropped his own controller. “You fucking suck,” he mumbled as he pulled his phone out of his pocket. He opened up a game and immediately was sucked into it.

I got bored after sitting there and decided that I would go see what Vic was doing. I walked into the front lounge where Vic was sitting on the couch with his laptop in front of him. He was typing away, clicking between different programs and bobbing his head to whatever was playing through his headphones. He seemed completely engulfed in what he was doing so I decided not to bother him. I walked back over to the bunks to see Tony sitting in his bunk with the curtain open.

His bunk was across from mine and a level higher. I was lucky enough to get a middle bunk so I didn’t have to sleep on the floor or up too high. I knew that I was going to be drunk a lot during the tour, and the middle bunk was the easiest to get into while intoxicated. I sat down at the edge of my bunk and looked up to see Tony looking at me.

“What?” I asked with a small smile.

“I’m bored,” he said with a pout.

“Yeah, me too.”

I laid back down into my bunk and kept the curtain open. I turned onto my side and looked up at Tony. I had no choice but to talk to him. What else was I going to do? Sit here by myself and just stare at the top of my bunk while Tony did the same exact thing across the way? It was stupid, and as much as I didn’t want to talk to Tony because of how strange I felt, it would be dumb to not talk to him.

Tony and I were very similar – we couldn’t just sit on our phones or on a laptop and get completely engulfed in the technology. We both liked human interaction and to spend time with life, not the internet.

“What does it feel like?” he asked. “To know you’ve changed lives?”

His question confused me. “You should know, you’ve changed lives, too.”

“Yeah, but not me directly. The band has changed lives. But you, alone, have changed lives. Doesn’t it feel weird?”

I shrugged. “I guess it’s almost like it’s not real life, you know? Like, these kids tell me that I inspire them or have saved their lives, but I just don’t know how. Like, what makes me so special?”

“You’re strong, that’s what,” Tony answered my hypothetical question as if it was the most obvious answer in the world. “You also write amazing lyrics that are really personal and deep. Not a lot of musicians do that anymore.”

“You guys do,” I said.

“Yeah, but you have so much more to write. Your life is so different and can relate to so many more people.”

I nodded. He was right – I had so many things happen to me in my life that usually don’t happen to the same person. Depression, drunk father, lousy mom, abusive step-dad, family deaths, drug addictions, drinking problems, confusion in sexuality…the list could go on forever.

“What was your life like when you were a kid?” he asked.

“Well, it was pretty much just me and Marky through it all,” I shrugged. “That’s why we were so close. I pretty much raised him. I even taught him how to read.”

“Wow,” Tony said silently. “Where was your mom?”

“Out, always. Our dad was a drunk and left us after Marky was born. My mom turned to drugs and just always left us alone so she could go out and get high. She would always bring random guys home. But then she got a boyfriend and he used to beat the shit out of me. I never let him hit Marky, though.”

Tony stared at me in wonder. When I told people this they would usually pity me and tell me how sorry they are and try to tell me that everything is okay now, and all this bullshit, but Tony just let me talk. He just listened, and he seemed fascinated by it all.

“When did you start to self-harm?” he asked very quietly, almost as if he shouldn’t even be asking me.

“I think I was around thirteen. I did it for a year, but Marky was old enough to notice when it got really bad. And I stopped for him. Because he said he couldn’t live…he couldn’t live without me…” I couldn’t talk about it anymore. The memories were too deep, too real, and the fact that Marky wasn’t living anymore provoked the memories and the temptations to cut again. I hadn’t cut in years. At least ten years, because Marky always made sure to keep me safe and made sure that I didn’t relapse again.

But where was I to make sure he didn’t relapse when he was trying to get clean? I was sitting in a bar with a random girl. I was wallowing in my heartbreak and not paying attention to the one thing that mattered the most to me. My only blood-related family left and I couldn’t return the favor he had given to me. I couldn’t give him the protection he gave me.

“Marky was a great kid, Meedie. You raised him well,” Tony said. He continued to stare at me. I tried my hardest to not let my tears get the best of me, but I knew that I would regret holding it in later. I just hated crying in front of people. I was sick and tired of being sad and other people knowing. I just wanted them to think that I was okay; I didn’t want anybody to worry about me.

“I was depressed in high school,” Tony admitted. “I was such a quiet, lonely kid. My dad died with I was ten, so that was pretty rough. But I had my grandpa there for me, but I just cut myself off from people.”

“Why?”

He stopped to think for a minute. “I don’t know. I guess I was just insecure and afraid.” He shrugged. “What were you like in high school?”

I laughed a bit as I thought back to my high school days. I spent them with Vic and Mike, mostly, but for the most part I was just crazy. “I liked to party a lot. Vic and Mike know. I would drink a lot, smoke anything that was handed to me…I was nuts. But I was a lot of fun. I used to do piercings from Vic’s garage. It was so funny when his mom found out. She was pissed.”

“You did what?” Tony laughed.

“I used to charge people to do their piercings. It was awesome. It was my job all through high school, until Vivian came home early from work one day and caught us in the garage. Mike used to get my clients and Vic would handle the money and go buy the piercings and needles. It was legit.”

Tony and I shared a long moment of laughter. I was laughing at the memories and Tony was laughing at the entire scenario. He said he couldn’t imagine what Vivian would do about it and we laughed even harder as I told him about how angry she got.

“I wasn’t allowed back over there for a month. She grounded me from their house,” I said with a laugh.

“Why don’t you have any piercings then?” he asked once our laughing had calmed down.

“I used to have a lot, but they got annoying so I took them out and stuck to tattoos. My septum isn’t closed up though; I could probably still shove some jewelry through it.”

“Do it!” Tony exclaimed.

“Really? I think I have a ring with me,” I said as I thought about it. I didn’t have a lot of jewelry aside from some plugs and rings, and I kept everything in the same bag, so if I still had a septum ring it would be with all of my other jewelry.

Tony jumped down from his bunk and took a seat at the edge of mine. I pulled my backpack closer to me and began to dig through the pockets until I found my small bag of jewelry. I searched around, and sure enough there was a black horseshoe ring floating around the bottom. I pulled it out and held it up.

“I’ve got to clean it off first, come with me to the bathroom,” I said as I slipped out of the bunk.

“What are you guys doing?” Mike asked from the couch. He was playing video games again while Jaime had fallen asleep sitting up on the other end of the couch.

“Remember my septum piercing?” I held up the small piece of jewelry between my thumb and index finger to show Mike.

“Yeah? Are you going to re-pierce it?” Mike asked, getting excited. I could see that he was remembering our high school days.

“It never closed up,” I said as I finished cleaning it under the hot water in the sink. Tony and Mike shoved themselves into the bathroom behind me, watching me through the mirror as I stuck my fingers up my nose and shoved the hoop through the middle. It hurt just a bit since I hadn’t put the septum in for so long, but I was still able to get it through.

“Fuck,” I said as tears came to my eyes. “It’s going to be sore later.” I finished screwing on the ball on the end and ran my fingers under the water before looking at myself in the mirror.

“Damn,” Tony said in shock. “That looks awesome.”

“Motherfuckin’ Mad Meedie is back!” Mike said with a huge smile.

“Mad Meedie?” Tony asked, looking skeptically between us in the mirror.

“No,” Mike laughed. “You forgot the motherfuckin’ part.”

“Motherfuckin’ Mad Meedie?” Tony asked.

“Oh my god, stop!” I said through the laughter I couldn’t contain. I held onto the sink as I began to laugh harder and harder. “No, not again,” I said as I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t understand.” Poor Tony was so confused as Mike and I continued to laugh.

“That was her name at parties and shit. We used to do piercings and shit, and one day some stoner was like damn, you’re motherfuckin’ mad, Meedie after she pierced his eyebrow. The guy started telling everybody about her, but he never called her just Meedie, it was always Motherfuckin’ Mad Meedie. The name stuck and everybody used to call her that,” Mike explained. “Man, those were good times. You really were fucking mad. Everybody wanted to party with you, dude.”

“I wish I knew you guys in high school,” Tony said with a smile. “Especially you, Meedie. You sounded like fun.”

“She was fucking crazy fun! Man, one time she got so drunk that she went skinny dipping in her probation officer’s backyard in the middle of the fucking day. Oh my god, it was so funny. I got it all on video, too. I still have it somewhere.”

“Oh my god, I swear that never happened,” I said as I looked to Tony out of embarrassment.

Mike shook his head and laughed. “No, no, no. You just don’t remember. Trust me, it happened. Your probation got extended because of it, remember?”

I blushed. “Fucking hell. I hated that prick,” I laughed to myself.

“Why were you on probation in the first place? How old were you?” Tony asked with shock in his eyes but a large, amused smile on his face.

I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face. “Marky did a lot of acid at a party, and I was drunk and I think I did some acid, too, and the cops ended up showing up at the party and Marky almost got busted for being so fucking blitzed, so I ran up to the cop and punched him in the face.”

“No, you weren’t on acid!” Mike corrected. “You didn’t do acid until our senior year, and this happened in sophomore year. You were on something crazy. Fuck, what was it? Oh, shit. It was speed. You snorted a line of speed, remember? It was right after you got your septum done and your piercing bled for an hour straight after, but you were so fucked up that you left the blood on your face the whole night.”

I started to laugh like crazy. “I told you I tried anything that was put in front of me,” I shrugged as I explained myself a bit to Tony.

“That cop must have thought you were insane. Some skinny, white girl all wasted and cracked out running up to him with blood all over her face and then just WHAM! Punching him in the face.”

“It took three cops to take me down,” I admitted proudly.

“Don’t forget the two Tasers,” Mike nodded along.

“Holy shit, you really are motherfuckin’ mad, Meedie,” Tony laughed.

“Oh my god, here we go!” I laughed as I exited the bathroom with the boys following.

“Show Vic, I bet it’s the first thing he’ll say,” Mike said. “Watch this,” he nudged Tony as he pushed me in front of him.

I casually walked into the front lounge were Jaime and Vic were both looking at something on Vic’s laptop.

“Hey, Vic,” I said as a casual greeting.

He looked up really quick and said a quick “hey” before looking down to his laptop again. In less than a second’s time he snapped his head back up and looked right at my septum piercing.

“Motherfuckin’ mad Meedie is back?!” he nearly screamed in excitement.

Tony immediately began to crack up after seeing that what we had said about me was the real deal. Vic closed his laptop and set it down on the couch so he could stand up out of his excitement.

“Remember that one time you bit that dude’s arm at that party in LA? I swear you were going to fucking bite it off.”

“What?” Jaime laughed.

“He had to get thirteen stitches,” Mike laughed.

I rolled my eyes and groaned as the boys continued to talk about my high school days. The entire time a smile never left my face. It was the first time I was able to talk about memories that involved Marky without feeling sad. These good memories where Marky was alive and well and I was happy elicited a whole new provocation of emotions, emotions that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

-

I sat at a table in the back of the bar as Mike brought me another drink. He stuck to our bet, and had been buying me my drinks all night long. Needless to say, I was wasted. But, yet again, nothing new there.

Everything was swarming my mind, and the rest of the guys were all a bit uneasy as well. We were in the same bar that we came to every time we were in Florida.

Florida was where Marky died. The parking lot of this bar was where Marky had overdosed. Marky was dead. And I was still sitting in this fucking bar, drinking myself away.

Vic, Jaime, and Mike were pretty much themselves. They were still upset about everything, and I knew that they were still thinking about Marky, but they were mostly focusing on me – making sure that I was okay.

I sipped on my drink at the table while a girl sat beside me; her hand was rubbing my thigh, as we flirted back and forth. I wanted to forget about everything that was wrong. I wanted to pretend that everything was normal. That touring was great, and I still knew who I was. But Tony Perry’s stares from across the bar weren’t letting me forget that I had no fucking idea what I was doing with my life.

I didn’t stare at Tony, but I could feel him staring at me. And although he thought I didn’t notice, I did. I counted every shot he took and every girl he turned away from him. But I continued to let this red head hang all over me. Her hair was long and soft. Her skin was white like snow, and her eyeliner was thick and lightly smudged from the course of the night. She was attractive, and she was attracted to me. But something felt off. It took a couple hours of talking with this girl – who’s name I didn’t care to have – before we finally decided to step outside. I took her hand and led her through the crowded bar.

Mike hollered after me when he saw me leaving the bar with her. “Let me join in!” Mike called after us. I flipped him off and continued out of the bar, ignoring his comment about wanting to at least watch us.

We walked around the bar until we were behind it where a couch sat. Three guys sat there with needles and I froze.

“Can you guys get out of here?” The red head asked as she held onto my arm. She nodded in my direction and the guys got the hint before taking off.

I sat down beside her the disgusting, old couch. I was too drunk to care about how long this thing had been here or how many other people might have fucked on it. All that mattered was that I was drunk and I needed to forget about everything. I needed to forget about Tony Perry, especially. I needed to know that I was still a lesbian. I needed to know that my life wasn’t completely out of order. My sexual orientation was one of the only things I ever had figured out in my entire life – it was one of the only things that really made me feel normal. Well, as normal as I could get.

Everything was wrong. Her lips were too sweet. Her skin was too smooth. Her hands were too gentle. And her body was too light.

But I continued on, regardless. Kissing and biting and sucking and touching. But it didn’t feel right, it didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel the pull in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t feel the burning in the back of my throat. I didn’t feel the desire between my legs.

But, she was hot. She was so hot. Sexy, even. This was my type of girl. But maybe…maybe girl wasn’t my type at all.

-

I got a text from Vic telling me that they were ready to go while I was still with the red head. I told them that I would find a ride home or call a cab so they wouldn't wait for me. I really wanted to leave, but it wouldn't be fair to the girl I was with.

We sat on that couch for another hour after we had finished fooling around. She smoked a cigarette and I finished off my last drink. She kept asking me about touring and music and my band, but I tried my best to shut her out. Once my drink was finished I walked her back inside the bar, kissed her lips, and then walked down the street.

It took me twenty minutes to walk to the hotel we always stayed at in Florida. I tried to think for those twenty minutes. I tried to think really hard about myself. But everything ended up the same. I was confused. That was the best way to describe it. I was confused with everything in my life. Nothing made sense to me anymore.

Who did I used to be? Meedie MontClair, lesbian lead singer of the post-hardcore band, Meadows.

Who was I now? I had no idea.

I walked off the elevator and immediately heard screaming coming from inside a room along with familiar voices from inside the hall. I turned the corner and saw Vic, Jaime, and Mike standing outside of one of their rooms all gathered by the shut door. They continued to call into it. More yelling along with loud thuds sounded from inside.

"What's going on?" I asked as I approached the guys. They all looked frazzled and worried.

"It's Tony," Vic said. "He's not handling Florida very well."

My heart sank and the tears welled up in my eyes. I knew exactly what he meant. "I think I could talk to him," I said quietly.

"I don't know if you want to try and go in there, he's a wreck," Jaime said silently.

I ignored him and used Jaime's key card to unlock the door. Before pushing it open all the way, I peeked my head in just a bit to see where Tony was. I could hear him breathing heavily from the other side of the room.

"You guys can go, I've got this," I said in a whisper. "Here, Jaime, here's the key to my room in case I'm in here a while." I handed Jaime my key card and slipped into the room, setting the dead bolt in place behind me.

I walked around the bathroom and over to where the beds were. Everything was a mess. The hangers were torn from the closet, towels tossed around the floor, the shower curtain was half ripped off, chairs were flipped, the dresser was crooked and one of the beds was stripped entirely of its bedding.

Tony had his arms out against the window as he looked down at the floor. His hot breath created a fog on the window as he continued to pant and catch his breath. I silently made my way over to him. I stepped on a hanger and Tony turned his head quickly at the sound.

As soon as he saw me, his eyes lit up with anger and pain. So much pain. And I knew that look, because I felt the same pain every day of my life.

"He was my best friend, you know?" he yelled as he hit the window with his fist in a slow, steady rhythm. "He was like a brother to me, too."

I remained silent. There was nothing I could say. Tony had kept this in for so long. He never tried to talk about Marky's death, and I knew it would catch up to him one day. Today was the day. And whether I was ready or not, it was time to talk about what we had found on our tour bus a year ago to date.

"He was doing so fucking good. He was going to be himself again. I helped him so much when he was sick." Tony bowed his head and sniffled just a bit. "He would come to me, you know, because he didn’t want you to worry about him. He was embarrassed. He was ashamed. He told me you raised him better than who he had turned out to be."

I took a seat on the bare mattress. I couldn't stand anymore. My head was spinning and my vision was blurred by tears. I never knew that Marky had said those things. I never even noticed that Tony and Marky were so close. Where was I during this all? How did I not notice?

"It's not fair!" He screamed through clenched teeth. He turned around and wiped his hands across the desk, knocking everything off it. The phone hit the floor and the beeping sound of the phone falling from the receiver faintly filled the room.

"I fucking knew it. The second he told me he was going back on the bus I fucking knew. But I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to think that he was just going to bed. I wanted to put my faith in him because he had been doing so good. If only I would have offered to go with him."

I was breathing heavier now. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. I wanted to tell Tony that he wasn't the only one who felt that way. I should have been there, too, to keep an eye out for him. I should have made sure he was safe.

"It only took twenty minutes for it to happen. I waited twenty minutes before I went to find him. Twenty fucking minutes and he was already dead."

I let out an audible sob. I couldn't keep them in anymore.

"And where were you?" Tony turned to me with anger in his expression and venom in his words.
I stood up when Tony came closer to me.

"Where were you, huh?" he yelled at me this time. He walked up to me quickly and I continued to back up until I was pressed up against the wall. He placed his hands on my shoulder and shoved me harder into the wall. "Where were you?! Answer me god damnit!" he screamed into my face.

"I fucked up! Okay? I was being selfish!" I finally said it out loud. "I was sitting in the back of the bar trying to drown my own fucking feelings when I should have been looking out for Marky. I should have never let him go on tour. We should have postponed everything and waited for him to get completely clean. But I was too fucking weak to give in. Marky wanted to tour and I shouldn't have let him. But I was too afraid of him being mad at me and hating me for calling the tour off. I was being selfish and it's all my fault he's dead. You think I don't know that? Because I do. I was the only person he had and I wasn't there the one time he needed me the most. I fucking let him die. I fucked up."

Tony pushed me into the wall even harder, using the force of his body this time with his lips pressed into a hard line. He gently pulled back and pushed me into the wall again. His actions didn’t hurt, and they weren't threatening, though. I knew that he wouldn't hurt me.

"None of this would be happening if I would have just been there," I said quietly. "Marky would still be here. My life wouldn't be a mess. The band would still be together. And this," -I motioned between the two of us- "wouldn't be happening."

Tony let go of me after that and took a step back before bowing his head. He wiped the tears off of his face and let out a couple more sniffles as he finally relaxed. "The only good thing that came after Marky's death has been this," Tony finally said as he motioned between us just as I had done moments before. "I'm glad this," -he motioned between us yet again- "happened."

"How could anything good come with a death like that? That’s my brother, Tony. My fucking brother is dead and you think that something good could come of it? Fuck you,” I spat. I could feel the blood sprinting through my veins as my body shook with anger.

“Why can’t you ever accept anything that might make you happy?” Tony grunted as he threw his hands up. “Everything with you is always so negative. Yes, your brother is dead, Meedie. It’s been a year and we’re all hurting. You. Are. Not. The. Only. One. You need to fucking realize that it’s okay to show that you’re weak sometimes. You’re fucking human.

“But you know what else? Humans can feel happiness, too. Even when things turn to shit. Not everything is bad just because something bad happens. It’s going to take time to get over Marky’s death, obviously, but by shutting yourself off to the whole fucking world and drowning yourself in memories and alcohol and random women and fake smiles and all this bullshit, why don’t you actually try? Just fucking try. Marky wouldn’t want you to be like this. He hated seeing you depressed like this, and you know it. Just fucking try for him. Try for us…for me.”

My rage was still coursing through my body. Every muscle told me to hit Tony. To slap him right across the face. But my mind told me that he was right, and to just calm the fuck down and listen to what he had to say. Because he was right. About all of it.

Tony came closer to me, much gentler this time, before he placed his right hand on my cheek. He pushed my hair back and very gently kissed the corner of my mouth, just barely hitting my lips with the corners of his.

I felt the pull in the pit of my stomach. The heat in my throat. And the roughness of his touch against my cheek. And it felt right.

Notes

Meedie's Outfit

I spent a lot of time on this chapter. And, this sounds kind of insane, but I wanted the party between Meedie and Tony to be powerful when she finally voiced her sadness, so I actually sat in my room and pretended to be Meedie and let everything fly from my mouth to make it more real, and I ended up crying when I did it. So yeah. There's that. hahaha.

Thank you so much for the support on this story. More should be coming tomorrow, hopefully.

This is part one, so the next chapter is going to continue on directly after this.

xoxoxoxo