I lifted the bottle of whiskey into the air after I finished taking three, large gulps. “Another night I’m not going to remember!” I cheered through the bus full of people. Everybody shouted with me in excitement, celebrating the first night of Pierce the Veil’s tour.

I wasn’t sure why I was on this tour – I had no official title. No band, so I wasn’t performing. No payroll, so I didn’t actually have a job. No family, so I didn’t actually have a person that I was supporting. I was just here. They just brought me with them just because they felt like they should. Just because I had nobody in my life now that Marky had been gone for almost a year.

“I can make it one to remember,” Mike whispered into my ear as he put his arm over my shoulders.

I lifted his arm off of me. “Only in your dreams, Mikey,” I said as I laughed at his ever-lasting attempts to be the one lucky guy to turn me straight, even just for a night.

“Can’t dreams ever come true?” he mumbled more to himself than any one in particular.

The bottle continued to pass around the people in the bus, and after everyone had taken their share of it, Tony got up and put it on the counter to add to our collection of other empty liquor bottles. It was the first night and three were already gone. At this rate, we were all going to be broke from the amount of alcohol we were going to need to support the entire crew’s drinking habits.

Everything was fun…for a while. I started to fade out of reality and sat back in the corner of the bus with my thoughts wrapped around me like a restraint.

Marky was dead.

Marky died.

My brother died.

My brother was dead.

I was the one who introduced Marky to the lifestyle. What kind of big sister was I? I never knew that cocaine would get involved, and I never knew that Marky would be vulnerable enough to take his nose to the line. I should have stopped it as soon as I saw it though. As soon as he hit his first line, I should have shut it down. But I watched from the back of the bus instead as Jacoby and Luke, my previous bassist and drummer, egged him on. I watched from the back of the bus as my brother started his cocaine addiction. I watched from the back of the bus as my brother took the first step to his own death.

I heard the door open to the back room of the bus and my head shot up. I quickly wiped to tears away from my eyes as I turned my attention away from the window, away from the life that was bustling by in such a blur. I saw Tony heading over to the duffel bags to find something. For a second I didn’t think he noticed me sitting there, so I turned my attention back to the window and tried to escape from my thoughts by focusing on the fuzzy, yellow lines of the freeway.

I heard Tony let out a breath from beside me and he looked out the window, too. We hadn’t spoken much since we had found Marky, and that was okay. Knowing Tony, he would want to try and talk about what happened. He was so gentle and kind – he would try to tell me that there was nothing I could do and we all loved him, and that I wasn’t the only one hurting. Because it was true. Marky was just as much their brother as he was mine. We had all known each other for so long, and Marky had grown to be favored in the music scene because of his years of experience as a roadie and guitar technician – his death effected everybody. People I didn’t even know.

But I didn’t want to talk about it – I already knew everything he was going to say about it. They all said the same thing to me. Told me they were sorry, offered to help out with money, dedicated songs to him, dedicated charities to him, fans sent me mail everyday containing pictures of them with Marky or letters to me about how they were so sorry for my loss, and how everybody was hurting, too.

“It’s crazy how fast life passes by from in the bus,” Tony said quietly. I looked up at him to see him staring out the window and focusing on the yellow lines just as I was. “…too fast,” he mumbled before awkwardly turning away and leaving the room.

I continued to stare out the window and try not to feel sorry for myself. I tried not to succumb to the feeling of only being here because they were worried about me. I tried to make them not worry about me, I really did. But I was just the heartbroken, former influential rock star with no family, a horrible drinking problem, and a broken world.

-

Hangovers didn’t affect me anymore – they were a daily occurrence. They didn’t phase me one bit. I would pop a few ibuprofens, drink a water bottle, and be on with my day. What did I even do here? The boys would be busy constantly with interviews, photoshoots, meet and greets – you get the point. And I would tag along on my good days and be there for moral support. But too many people knew who I was and knew about Marky, and all they ever wanted to do was stick me behind the camera and shove a microphone into my hands as they asked me how my life was, how I felt, and whether or not I was going to even sing again. The answer to every question was simple: I don’t know.

I would usually spend my days wandering around the cities we stopped in, drinking, or sleeping in my bunk. I never checked my email anymore. I deleted my twitter app. The band website sat, untouched, since the day Marky died. Instagram, tumblr, snapchat...every way for fans to be in touch with my life had been cut off. I couldn’t stand the comments and the memories those networks held. All memories of Marky and his love of the band.

“Meeeediiieeeee,” Mike sang into my bunk. He pulled the curtain back just a bit and I looked over to him with smeared makeup and knotted hair.

He looked over my body. I had slept in my underwear and a camisole tank top because it was hot in my bunk. I knew that he was trying to take in the view while he had the chance, because no matter how desperate or heartbroken I got, I would never resort to sleeping with a man, specifically Mike.

“Okay, fine, we have time for a quick sesh before we need to get started,” Mike said as he began to climb into my bunk. He lay down next to me, but didn’t dare touch me. “You were in my dream last night.”

“That’s awesome,” I replied with a yawn. I was waiting for the ibuprofen to help with the throbbing in my head, but so far, no such luck. It was one of those days where the only cure to a hangover was to start drinking.

“Don’t you want to know what it was about?” Mike asked. “I can show you if you’d like.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

“Do you ever give up?” I laughed.

“Nope,” he said with a smile.

I pushed him out of my bunk and stuck my head out. “And stay out!” I said after him with a smile.

“Mike!” Vic’s voice immediately boomed from the front area of the bus. “Leave Meedie alone!”

Mike gave me a pout for getting him in trouble with his big brother and put his face inches away from mine. “Fuck you,” he laughed before pecking his lips to mine. “HAH! I GOT YOU! SNEAK ATTACK!” He stood up quickly and laughed. “DID YOU LIKE IT?”

“Mike, one kiss from a guy isn’t going to magically make me want dick, especially yours.”

Seconds after I said that, Jaime rolled out of his bunk from above mine and crashed onto Mike’s body. Jaime was laughing uncontrollably.

“Mike,” he paused to laugh, “you just try so hard and she always turns you down. But you still try!” He said through a fit of hysterics.

“You guys are mean,” Mike said before pushing Jaime off of him. He walked out of the bunk area and to the front of the bus.

Jaime got up while still laughing a bit to himself. “Good morning, by the way,” he said through his dimply smile.

I smiled back to him before pulling on some shorts and sitting at the edge of my bunk. My headache was finally going away, and I almost felt refreshed. Like I could actually try to face the world today. I looked up when I heard somebody else enter the bunks. Tony walked in from the back with nothing but a pair of pants on. The bottoms of his pants were rolled up a few times to make them into what I liked to call “manpris” insead of capris. His tattoos were shining lightly from the shower he had just taken and his hair was still dripping. He shook his head, letting the water fly around.

“Ugh, Tony Perry,” I groaned as the water sprayed all over my face.

Tony turned around to laugh a little bit, which was hardly a laugh at all. He was also so quiet, and his laugh usually just consisted of a large, toothy smile that crinkled the corner of his eyes and a couple audible breaths that came out in the rhythm of a laugh.

“You don’t have to say my last name like that, you know,” he said as he dug through his suitcase. “I’m pretty sure we’re on a first name basis by now.”

“I like the sound of it. You should just hyphenate it so everybody had to call you Tony Perry, because it sounds so cool.”

Tony shook his head as he pulled a sleeveless shirt over his head. He put some deodorant on and then a single spray of cologne in the middle of his chest. He had to be the only person I have ever toured with to actually care enough to put some cologne on. The area filled of Tony’s sent. I watched him as he sat down at the edge of my bunk to slip on his shoes. His back muscles shifted lightly under his shirt. I rolled back into my bunk to avert my eyes.

“What are you doing?” Tony asked. He still sat at the edge of my bunk. He turned to look at me from over his shoulder. “You should probably try to get the shower before someone else beats you to it.”

“Are you trying to say that I stink?” I asked, playfully. I kept my body turned away from him and my eyes on the wall. I felt weird staring at Tony as he got ready. Almost like I was invading his privacy.

Tony let out a small chuckle and shook his head. He got up without another word and left the area.

-

I followed the guys into the building where they were going to be interviewed. First they took a few pictures together, and I tried my best to remain hidden from the cameras. Since my band had gotten famous so quickly, and vanished just as quick, the media was trying so hard to get a hold of us to try and understand the extent of the story. We tried to keep the full story of Marky’s overdose away from the spotlight. They knew that it was an overdose, but we couldn’t explain the details. The boys and I agreed to keep the scene to ourselves. It wasn’t something that needed to be shared. Nobody needed to know that he had overdosed and then drown in his own vomit. Nobody needed to know that because we had let him out of our sights, he had died. Nobody needed to know that because I wasn’t looking out for him, he developed this drug addiction. Nobody needed to know that…

A hand on my shoulder pulled me away from my thoughts before I got buried in them. Tony walked passed me, taking his hand off of my shoulder as Vic, Mike, and Jaime passed by to head over to where the interview was going to take place. I followed behind them and went into the room.

“Meedie!” The interviewer exclaimed with happiness. “Meedie MontClair, what an honor.” She shook my hand forcefully with a large smile on her face.

The boys all stopped what they were doing to watch the situation. They were so protective over me and my feelings. But I was thankful for that. I was a tough girl, but enough was enough and I couldn’t handle any more questions about my brother, or the whereabouts of my band, or what the other band members were doing, or about my love life, or about any of it.

“Hi,” I said slowly.

She pushed her brown hair away from her shoulders and pushed her glasses up on her nose. “Will you be joining us today for the interview?” she asked with her brown eyes sparkling. She flashed me a charming smile, and I almost felt bad for thinking about saying no. “Strictly about Pierce the Veil,” she added quietly so the guys wouldn’t hear.

“What?” I asked, confused.

She looked at the boys from over her shoulder and then turned back over to me. “I promise not to bring anything up. I’ve seen how you react when other’s try to talk to you about things. I promise to only focus on Pierce the Veil. You’ll just be there for an outsider’s opinion on the tour. You don’t even have to sit there the entire time if you don’t want to,” she said as she placed her hand on my bicep and gently squeezed it. Her actions were flirty, and I was picking up on that, but I knew that she was probably just doing it to try and get me to agree to the interview. “I’m going to be honest with you. I just barely got this job. It’s something I’ve wanted to do my entire life, and this is my one chance to guarantee my spot on the show.”

I could see the passion in her eyes, and the sincerity in her words. This was her calling, it was what she wanted, and by landing an interview with me, she would have the dream of her lifetime.

I was about to say yes, but I stopped. This interview was not for me, and it was not intended to be about me. This was for Pierce the Veil. Even if I was in the interview as support for their tour, the interview would really be about me getting behind a camera. I had no right to take that from the boys after all of their hard work. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

“Listen, um…” I stopped when I realized I didn’t know her name.

“Abby,” she said with a smile.

“Abby, I want to say yes, but I…I just can’t. Not now. I’m not ready to get behind a camera just yet. I hope that you’ll understand. And these boys are fabulous and if you just be real with them, they will give you the best interview you could imagine.”

Disappointment tainted her beautiful eyes, but she still smiled. “That’s okay,” she said softly. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pen and a business card. “Here’s my card. I’ll write my cell number on the back.”

She leaned down to use her thigh as a surface to write down her cell phone number. When she bent down, I could see the boys still watching from behind us. A smirk was playing on Mike’s lips as he realized that the girl was giving me her number. Jaime was shaking his head with a smile while Vic chuckled to himself. Tony just stared. He stared at Abby as she wrote down her number. He looked up at me but only for a quick second before turning around and trying to focus his attention on something else. I wondered what his problem was.

Abby stood up and handed me the card. “Call me when you’re ready for that interview,” she said with a smile. “Or if you need some company when you come back through town.”

She bit her lip and then turned to walk over to the guys and lead them to where they would be doing the interview.

After the interview, it was time for the guys to head over to sound check. I was dragged along, once again, but tonight Vic asked me to help the crew set up because I was the only person he trusted with the technical stuff. I agreed right away. I just wanted a purpose on this tour. I wanted to feel like I was there because they needed me, and not because I was the one who needed them.

“No, no, no,” I said to the guy who was hooking up the microphone’s. “That one goes over there. This one goes here,” I corrected as I placed Vic’s mic on the right stand.

“Check, check,” the guy said into Jaime’s microphone before getting a thumb’s up from the guy at the sound booth in the back.

I lifted one hand to clip the microphone into place while I adjusted the height with my other hand. “Check, check,” I said into the microphone.

I got a thumb’s up before the man left the booth entirely. My hand lingered on the microphone as I stared into the empty arena. It had been almost a year since I had been on stage. A year since I had sang into a microphone. A year since I had quite doing what I loved. I missed it. I missed it more than anything. Well, almost anything.

I looked to my left, where Marky would usually stand when we performed. I stared for a long time, almost hoping that he would appear if I waited long enough. I was silently praying to myself, asking God to let me see his spirit or something. Anything to see him when he was healthy again. Anything to get the image of his sweaty, vomit-covered body out of my head. But nothing happened.

I closed my eyes as the tears slowly fell down my face. I tried to imagine that I was on stage in front of my fans once again. Tears continued to fall down my face, and I sang the only song that seemed to be reeling through my head these days. It was one of my favorites from Blink-182, probably one of everybody’s favorites whether you liked Blink or not.

I opened my mouth and began to sing into the microphone. I skipped the first verse and went straight to the part that had been stuck in my head. The part that Marky would always sing when we covered the song.

“Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight…”

My voice broke off as I repeated the last line a few more times. I could hear my own sobs ringing throughout the empty arena as I tried to pull away from the microphone. I put my hand over my mouth to silence myself. I stood on stage, away from the microphone as I continued to try and calm my tears.

I thought about Marky and how much I missed him. I wondered if he was in pain when he died. I hoped that he had overdosed before his airway could be blocked by his vomit. I hoped that he didn’t suffer in his bunk. But most of all, I just wished that he was still there with me. I wished that I could go back in time and stop all of this from happening. We should have never dragged him out on tour when we knew that he was struggling to get clean. We should have forced him to take a break on focus on his health. We should have forced him.

I opened my eyes, expecting to see an empty arena staring back at me, but instead there stood Tony Perry, standing in the middle of the arena with his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the stage. When he saw that I had noticed him he walked toward the stage. He effortless jumped up on the barricade that was a few feet away from the end of the stage and then stepped onto the stage. Without any hesitation he pulled me into his arms and engulfed me in a hug. He used his left hand to push my head down onto his shoulder as his right arm wrapped around me tightly.

I tried not to cry into his shoulder. I wanted to explain to him that I was perfectly fine, but the truth was that I was not perfectly fine. I was not okay, and I didn’t think I would ever be okay.

“He’s gone…” I cried out into his shoulder. “Marky is gone.”

It all hit me. I knew that my brother was dead. I knew that there was no bringing him back, but in that moment I realized that he was just…gone. There was no more Markus Edmund MontClair. There was no more Meedie and Marky. There was no more Marky playing guitar. There was no more Marky singing with me on stage. There was no more Marky living in my apartment. There was no more Marky to call. There was no more Marky to look after. There was no more Marky. He was gone, and for the rest of my life, he would be gone. He would never fall in love again. He would never get married. He would never get to have children. He would never get to watch them grow up. He would never even get to grow up, himself. He still had so many years ahead of him. Twenty-four was too young to die. Hell, no matter how old he could have been, he was too young. It wasn’t his time. It shouldn’t have been his time.

I could feel my tears soaking Tony’s shoulder, and I pulled away from him, forcing myself to stop crying.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “I don’t know what got into me.”

I wanted to play it off like everything was okay. I didn’t want Tony Perry to worry about me. I didn’t want anybody to worry about me. I was tough, and I had to make them all believe that I was still tough, even when my brother was gone and I had nothing left.

Tony didn’t say anything. He just stared at me as I tried to wipe my tears, but my hands were soaked in them and all I was doing was smearing them around even more.

“Here,” Tony said as he lifted the bottom of his shirt up. He placed his thumb under his shirt and gently dabbed away my tears. He wiped under my eyes to wipe away my running makeup, but was still careful enough to not take any more of it off. He pulled away to look at me and make sure that he had cleaned me up enough. He let his shirt fall back into place with another wet spot visible near the hem.

He continued to look at me before lifting his right hand and gently cupping the left side of my face while pushing the hair from my face away with him thumb. He gently tucked it behind my ear before looking into my eyes. “There,” he said with a small smile. He kept his hand on the side of my face, and I couldn’t help but feel better while under his touch.

“Thank you, Tony Perry,” I said while looking down.

He pulled my hair back a little bit with my hand and gently touched my gauged ear.

“Hey, are these mine?” he asked while looking at them a bit more closely.

I laughed a little bit and then turned my head away from him. “Maybe,” I laughed.

Tony shook his head and dropped his hand from the side of my face as he looked down at the ground with a wide smile. He always looked down to hide his smile, almost like he was somewhat embarrassed of it. I wanted to tell him to stop doing that, but instead I just watched him as he kicked his foot at nothing on the ground.

“I guess I better go find the guys,” Tony said after lifting his head back up.

“Yeah, I’ll go with you.” I followed him off of the side of the stage and out of the venue.

“Should we go the long way?” he asked, looking at the main entrance to the building. Fans were already lined up outside even though there was still close to four hours before the show started. I felt nervous about seeing the fans, but I knew that Tony wanted to, and I wasn’t going to hold him back from seeing his fans.

“I’ll be your body guard,” I said as I headed toward the doors. I pushed on the glass door and entered the sun. The fans began to scream when they noticed me step out. I held the door open and waited for Tony to come after me. As soon as Tony was visible, they screamed even louder. There were a few people standing beside us, not really in line, but they didn’t approach us. They stood up quickly and just stared at us in awe. The reactions of the fans never ceased to amaze me. I felt like a normal person, but all of these people looked up to us. They loved us no matter what. They loved us even though they didn’t personally know us. We changed the lives of so many people that we didn’t even know. I looked into the crowd as we walked past the line. I noticed one girl standing beside a few of her friends wearing one of my band’s shirts. We were all on the front of the shirt, with me dead center and our band name, Meadows, written across the top in a swirly script.

I saw Marky’s face on the shirt, and it sent a pain through my chest. Tony gently rested his hand on my shoulder when he saw what I was looking at. He continued to talk to the people beside us and didn’t turn to look at me when he held onto me. He was just doing it as a reassurance that I was okay, and that these fans were looking up to us.

I sniffled a bit as a tear fell from my eye. I stared at the fan who just stared right back at me. I continued to stare at Marky’s face on the shirt. It was an old shirt from when we were first getting starting, and it was only sold at a few of our first shows before it sold out. We never re-printed it. I hardly ever saw the shirts anymore – so few people had them. I looked into her eyes and she had tears daring to fall.

I bit my lip and said, “I like your shirt.” The people around were watching, taking pictures, screaming, and recording me. I felt awkward standing there with everybody staring at me. I felt a connection to this fan. I felt like I knew her, and I could feel her pain, because I knew she felt mine. I reached over the small rope that separated me from the line and pulled her into a hug. Tony was right by my side, making sure that I was okay, but let his hand fall from my shoulder to let me hug this girl.

“My brother, too,” was all she said in my ear. “My big brother.”

I held onto her harder than I thought I could ever hold anybody. I squeezed her until I couldn’t breathe, until my arms couldn’t go any tighter. I pulled away from her and looked into her eyes. I wondered if they looked the same as mine – empty, lost, and sad.

I looked down at her shirt again, this time her bracelets caught my attention, and that’s when I saw them. The cuts that were just barely healing. The bracelets were put there in an attempt to hide them, but even then her pain couldn’t be hidden behind the name of her favorite bands. I looked down at my own wrists, where the scars were still visible even after years and years of stopping the horrible habit. I gently grabbed her hand and placed them over the bumps on my arm.

“These shouldn’t be hidden,” I said softly. “Wear your scars-“

“-to remind them of the soldier you are,” she finished the lyrics off perfectly. Hearing her quote one of my most personal songs I had ever written really hit something deep within me. “I know. I’m working on it,” she said quietly.

“Thank you,” I said just as quietly. “What’s your name?” I asked.

“Eve,” she replied.

“Enjoy the show, Eve. I’ll always remember you,” I studied her features. I memorized her lost, brown eyes. Her fringed, short, blonde hair, and the freckle on the corner of her bottom lip. I memorized her height, and I memorized the scars on her wrist.

“Let’s go,” Tony said into my ear. I nodded and then we started to walk away. Tony kept his hand placed on my shoulder. As we walked down the line, and more people saw us, they continued to call our names and scream after us.

“ARE YOU GUYS DATING?” one girl shouted over to us. I turned around to walk backwards and Tony slowed down while smiling from over his shoulder.

“Nah, honey, I bat for the other team,” I said while putting a peace sign up to my mouth before placing my tongue between my fingers. I turned around quickly and continued to walk back towards the buses.

-

I watched them perform from the side of the stage, right beside Tony. It was amazing to watch them perform, and no matter how many times I had seen them live, it was still such a thrill. I felt like a fan again when I watched them perform. I also felt like a proud mother watching as her children reached their dreams. And I also felt like I belonged on the stage again. It was such a rush, and the emotions helped to balance my mood out perfectly.

The band started to play “Hold on ‘Till May” and as the song progressed, and got closer to the part Lindsay Stamey sang on the record, I could hear chanting coming from the crowd. It continued to get louder and louder, until I finally could make out what they were saying.

“Mee-die, mee-die, mee-die,” they chanted out my name.

Jaime looked confused as he continued to play, unsure of what to do about it. Vic looked sad because he had to ignore their requests as they continued to play. Mike continued to engulf himself in the beat, and Tony stared at me as he played.

We met eyes and panic washed over me. He wanted me to come out on stage. He wanted me to sing to all of these people after almost a year of not being on stage. I knew all of the words from singing it so many times, but I was afraid that as soon as I was to step onto that stage I would freeze. Or worse, break down and cry. But in that moment it didn’t matter. All I could think about was how disappointed the fans would be if I didn’t get out on that stage. And how awkward it would be for Vic once the song was over. What would he tell them? Oh sorry, she’s too emotionally damaged to step on stage.

I flashed Tony a smile before walking to the back and demanding a microphone was tuned to the same volume as Vic’s. They handed me the back-up they had waiting for him just as Vic sang the first word to the part that I would sing while on tour with them.

I turned the mic on and immediately took over from backstage as I rushed my way out to the stage. Vic stopped singing, and looked over to the side of the stage, confused. Tony, Jaime, and Mike all stared as I ran out onto stage.

“If you were me, you'd do the same
'Cause I can't take anymore
I'll draw the shades and close the door
Everything's not alright and I would rather…”

I remained on the stage after singing to enjoy my time with the guys. Vic pressed his head against mine and looked into my eyes as he played his guitar. He mouthed, “good job,” before turning away from me. I turned around to see Tony standing beside me. He smiled widely and bit his bottom lip as he continued to strum his guitar with his back bent backwards just a bit.

When the song ended, the crowd continued to chant my name. Vic bowed down to me and took his hat off before tipping it in my direction. I blushed at the attention and wanted nothing more than to be back on that stage again.

“Meedie MontClair is back,” I said into the microphone before turning to leave the stage as the crowd screamed louder than before.

They decided to jump right into the next song, but before Tony could strum his guitar he ran over to me from the side of the stage and grabbed onto my arm. He pulled me towards him and kissed my cheek very quickly before running back out onto the stage.

I stood there, confused, for the whole rest of the song. It was so out of character for Tony Perry to do something like that, especially with me. We’d never been particularly close like I was with Mike or Vic, or even Jaime. But for some reason, I felt like after what happened with Marky, he was the only one that I was close with. He was the only one who really understood me.

And in that moment I realized that Tony Perry had changed my life twice now. First with Lindsay, his ex-girlfriend. If it weren’t for him, I would have never met Lindsay and discovered my sexuality.

The second time was in that moment when he kissed my cheek. For the first time in a long time, I saw someone who believed in me. Someone who wanted me to be myself again. Someone who wanted me to get through my mess of a life. Someone who was going to change my life in so many ways that I wouldn’t even be prepared for.

Notes

A pretty long chapter for you guys to get this story started. Thanks for the support already! :)

I'm really excited for this story :)

xoxoxo