I had sobered up just a bit after the bus had started its journey to Pittsburgh. I couldn’t sleep though. So instead of laying in my bunk for the six hour drive, I pulled my laptop out from my backpack and sat down at the kitchen table with my headphones and the CD that Drew had given me. I pushed the CD into my laptop and pulled my headphones over my ears. Itunes opened up and I hit play, eager to hear the music.

The song started off slow and easy, but with a strong guitar sound rattling my bones. Goosebumps rose on my arms as the song began to progress. Something about their music was already drawing me in. They were a bit heavier than Pierce the Veil. They had a sound that sounded like Of Mice and Men, but with a guitar style similar to Tony’s – which made sense since Drew was the guitarist and his main influence was Tony.

There were no words, though. No singing. It was all instrumental. A bit of a disappointment, but still amazing. After the first song, I was hooked. The second song started and something clicked in my head. I grabbed the CD sleeve and pulled out the picture that was inside. Four members, all holding their instruments. Drew with his guitar in the center and the rest of them all around him. Another guitarist, a bassist, and their drummer.

I flipped the envelope over and finally read the band name: In Hopes of Change.

A gasp escaped my lips as my mind filled with lyrics – something that hasn’t happened to me in over a year. I quickly sat up, ripping my headphones from my ears in search of something to write on. I stumbled over to the counter and managed to find a pad of paper and a pen. I sat down, placed the headphones back over my ears, restarted to CD, and began to write out everything. All of my emotions poured out of me.

-

“Meedie,” Tony gently shook my shoulder but I refused to open my eyes. “Meedie, babe.”

I lifted my head up and opened my eyes slowly. My head was pounding and I felt horrible. I looked around to see that I had fallen asleep with my headphones on and my body slumped over the notebook I was writing on. “Did you call me babe?” I asked quietly.

Tony blushed. “Oh, I guess I did.”

I smiled widely and reached up to place a small kiss on his lips. Tony smiled against my lips.

“Why did you sleep out here?” he asked as he got up and headed over to the fridge to grab a couple water bottles. He handed one over to me.

I took a few drinks before just giving him a shrug as an answer. “I was listening to that CD that Drew gave us. It’s really good. You should give it a listen.”

I sat up from the table and handed Tony my headphones. “It’s only three songs,” I told him before kissing the top of his head. His hair was slightly damp and I figured he must have already taken a shower. “I’m going to go shower.”

I made my way over to the junk bunk and pulled my duffel bag down to pick out some clothes. In the process, my pack of birth control pills fell down and nearly smacked me right in the face. I grabbed them and figured that I would just throw them in the trash since they served no use to me anymore.

I cut my shower short after reality hit me: I had cut myself last night. I had relapsed after years and years of being clean from cutting. I got out of the shower quickly and looked to the sink where I had accidentally left the blade. But it was gone. I dug around the small bathroom, searching for the blade. I even looked on the floor to see if I had dropped it in my drunken state, but it wasn’t there. That meant only one thing: someone saw the blade and did something with it. Could it have been Tony since he had already been in the bathroom? But he would have said something, wouldn’t he?

There was a knock at the door just as I started to get dressed. “Give me a minute,” I answered back.

“Meedie, it’s Vic. Can I come in?”

I quickly finished putting on my bra and opened the door to allow Vic to come in. I was only in my bra and underwear, but Vic was like a brother to me so it really didn’t matter. He noticed my lack of clothes but didn’t say anything as he walked past me and took a seat on the closed lid of the toilet. “Is that birth control? In the trash?” he asked, looking down at the small bin beside him. “…um…Meedie, does Tony know that-“

“It’s okay, Vic. The birth control was what was giving me those cramps so I can’t take it anymore,” I explained with a laugh. “Now is there a reason you wanted to come in here while I’m half-naked?”

I picked up my deodorant and applied it before pulling a t-shirt on over my head. Just as I lifted my left leg to step into my jeans, Vic spoke up, and boy did his words catch me by surprise.

“I have your blade,” he said softly.

Instead of pushing my leg into my jeans, I allowed myself to topple over and collapse on the ground with a thud. The tears had no hesitation in meeting my cheeks. I pushed my hands up my face to cover my tears.

“Hey hey hey,” Vic said quietly as he kneeled down in front of me. I watched him from in between my fingers as he held his hands out in front of him, unsure on whether or not he should touch me. He slowly inched them closer to my hands. He pulled my arms down by the palms and examined my arms. He looked at my right arm first and let out a small “hmm” when he didn’t see anything. But as soon as his eyes made contact with my left wrist I could feel his grip loosen a bit in sadness.

“Liar…?” he read the cuts out loud. “Meedie?”

He wanted an explanation, but I didn’t even know what to say to him. He wouldn’t understand why I did it. And then he would just lecture me about how I shouldn’t do that anymore. He would feed me generic things like “everybody cares about you” and “you’re too good for that” and other things that wouldn’t make me feel any better. The only thing that could make me feel better would be Marky. But that wasn’t possible, because Marky was dead and I would never see him again.

I started to cry harder, this time not hiding my audible sobs. I didn’t care who heard me. I didn’t care if anybody found out about my relapse. It would only be a matter of time before they found out anyway.

“You don’t know what it’s like, Vic. Marky is gone. I might as well have been carted away with Marky’s body because I, too, died that day.” I cried harder. “There’s just no use anymore…” I mumbled as I continued to wipe away my tears. Vic handed me some toilet paper to wipe away the tears. I grabbed it from him and gently dabbed at my face.

“I would say that I won’t tell anybody, but Meedie…the guys deserve to know. Especially Tony.”

I nodded. He was right; Tony was practically my boyfriend, and he deserved to know about this. I slumped down further when I realized that this would hurt Tony, too. I wasn’t the only one left with the damage – I was damaging everyone around me. “Man, that was selfish of me,” I muttered.

Vic smiled a bit. “It’s okay Meedie, it’s okay to be selfish sometimes, but not like this,” he gently squeezed my hands. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it right now, but please try to let it out soon. I know that any of us will be willing to listen. Especially me. You know you’re like my little sister and I love you, right?”

I nodded and gave him a genuine smile. “Of course, Vic. I love you, too.”

He pulled he into my arms and I couldn’t help but start to cry again. I felt horrible for doing this. I didn’t know if I should blame the alcohol or if deep down I really wanted this. The feeling last night was amazing, but this feeling of pain and regret was much stronger and out-weighed that temporary feeling of control. I was out of control, and I really needed to find myself again.

“Are we in Pittsburgh yet?” I asked after a few minutes.

Vic gently pulled away from me and looked at my face, making sure that I was okay. “Yeah, we got here about an hour ago.”

I got up quickly, pulling my pants with me. I pulled them on and nearly ran out of the bathroom. I slipped on my vans that were sitting on the floor by the kitchen table were Tony was now clicking around on my laptop. He looked up and noticed the redness of my eyes.

“We’ll talk later, okay? I really need to find Drew. I-I think I know how to save me,” I said the last part more to myself, ignoring Tony’s confused expression. I reached across the table to where my notepad had been pushed to the side. I picked it up and shoved my phone into my pocket. I went to walk away, but stopped and turned my attention back to Tony who was still staring at me with confusion. I pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, allowing myself to linger a bit. “I’ll be back soon.”

Tony nodded and hesitantly let me go.

I skipped off the bus so quickly that the sunlight didn’t even bother my headache. I had my mind set – I needed to find Drew and I needed to talk to him. I wandered around the venue for a few minutes, looking around for anything that might lead me to his band. I figured they would be traveling in a cheap van, similar to what most musicians start out in. I looked around the parking lot but didn’t see anything. I groaned, and just before I was about to give up, I looked across the street and saw four guys sitting in the booth at the Taco Bell. In the parking lot was a beat-up, black van with stickers and illegible words spray painted on the door.

“Bingo,” I said to myself. I jogged across the street and walked in through the front of the store, walking straight over to the booth. Drew didn’t notice me walk in, but one of the other boys recognized me and immediately alerted the rest of the guys of my presence.

I walked straight up to them and offered my best smile. I probably looked like a mess – my eyes puffy from crying, and not to mention that they were free of makeup. My hair was a tangled, semi-damp mess and my cheeks would probably be rather rosy from the heat and the jog over.

“Hey Meedie,” Drew said excitedly as I approached. “Getting some breakfast?” he asked.

I shook my head. “No, actually, I was looking for you guys. Can I sit down?”

The guys all froze, nearly choking on their food. One of them finally let out a slow nod and I grabbed a chair from the table behind me and pulled it up to the end of the table. I slapped my notebook down on the table and all of the boys stared at me in confusion. “Um…” I said awkwardly. I wanted to introduce myself to the other guys, but I felt like it might be stupid for me to tell them my name. I shrugged and decided to do it anyway. “I’ve already met Drew, but uh, hi. I’m Meedie.”

The three other guys all smiled widely and finally gave me their introductions. I could somewhat recognize them from the picture, but it seemed to be a little out-dated since their hair seemed a bit longer than it did in the picture.

“I’m Alex,” the guy on my left announced. He held his hand out to me and I shook it firmly.

“Bass, right?” I asked. He gave me an excited nod.

“I’m Reid,” the guy near the window on my right side said.

“Drums,” I said with a nod.

“Logan,” the last guy said with a slight nod.

“Guitar,” I stated as I shook his hand.

“So what’s up, Meedie?” Drew asked. I could tell that he was trying to act casual and also act like we knew each other in order to impress the rest of the guys, but I pushed that aside and focused on the main reason I was there.

“I listened to your CD, and let me just say…wow. You guys are amazing.”

They all seemed to relax a bit and smile, some of them letting small comments slip from their mouths about how honored they were.

“I um…also noticed you don’t have any vocals, and I mean, I don’t know if you wanted to keep it that way or what…but last night I was thinking about my brother a lot and…well…I don’t know what I’m trying to say, really. But something in your music really spoke to me and so…this happened.” I pulled open my notebook and pushed it toward the center of the table.

The boys all stared at the notebook. The pages were covered in words, scribbles, arrows, some doodles, and most of all – my thoughts. I had spilled everything into that notebook the night before. The lyrics were pouring out of me, and I was taking a huge chance my really throwing myself out there to these guys. Drew scanned over the lyrics just a bit before they turned the pages.

“Holy shit,” Reid said. “There’s a lot.”

“I don’t know if you guys were looking for a singer or something, but, I would really be interested in jamming with you guys and maybe trying to put these lyrics to some of the music you have?” I closed my eyes, afraid that maybe they would turn me down because they didn’t want a singer or something.

Before any of them couple reply, the doors flew open behind us and all of their heads turned.

“I love Taco Bell!” Jack exclaimed throwing his hands in the air and then moved them down in a bowing motion toward the menu.

I rolled my eyes at the scene. Leave it to the guys in All Time Low to ruin a serious moment. Alex looked over and did a double take, realizing that it was me sitting at the table.

“Meedie!” he exclaimed happily as he marched over to me. He bent down to give me strong hug. “How are you feeling after being the designated drinker last night?”

I chuckled lightly. “I’m golden, Gaskarth. You know I can handle my liquor.” I internally cringed at my words and thought back to the word engraved on my wrist. The lies were just flowing from my mouth. First lying to Tony about being happy and now lying about this. Even if this was a small lie – a lie was still a lie.

“Still the best DD we’ve ever assigned,” Jack chimed in, appearing at Alex’s side. “Who are these dudes?” Jack asked, nodding toward the four boys sitting at the booth beside me.

“Oh! These guys are in a band. They’ve been following us to every date to hand out their demos,” I explained. “We were just talking business.”

“Oh yeah! You’re the band traveling around in that swagged out black van, right?” Alex asked, subtly pointing to the direction of the parking lot.

“Yeah, that’s us,” Drew said happily. “We call it the porker because that things a fucking gas-hog.”

“Oh, I get it! Hog, like pig! Porker! That’s funny,” Jack said with a laugh. “I like you guys.”

“Yeah, that’s classic,” Alex agreed. “So what kind of business are we talking here?”

“Well we,”I motioned to myself and the four boys beside me, “were talking about their music. Top secret stuff, boys. Sorry.”

“Alright fine,” Alex pouted. “I see how it is. And to think that I considered you a friend.” He put an expression of mock-hurt on his face and crossed his hands over his chest.

“We’ll leave you to your secret meeting. I’m hungry anyway,” Jack said, turning his attention back to the menu. “Come on, dude.” He gently nudged Alex’s crossed arms and he released them, turning to follow Jack back toward the register where the worker was waiting to take their order.

“Okay, so where were we?” I asked as I turned around. I turned around the see the four guys all huddled together, their bodies leaning over the table and their arms all draped over each other’s shoulders. They looked like an athletic team thinking up a game plan while on time out.

They pulled apart after a couple minutes and Reid cleared his throat. Instead of speaking up, he nudged Drew, who gladly turned his gaze over to me.

“Well, we are in fact looking for a singer. We had one, but he bailed on us because he didn’t want to travel around to spread the demo. So we booted him out of the band because he obviously wasn’t as serious about this are we are,” Drew rambled just a bit. “But anyway, we would love to play with you sometime. Maybe see if we can work something out here. We don’t really know if a female voice is what we are looking for, but your voice is stellar, and we think it could mesh well with our music.”

“So, all in all,” Reid spoke up. “Fuck yeah, Meedie! We take you up on your offer to jam.”

I smiled widely and pulled out my phone. “Okay, let me get your guys’ numbers and social networking info.”

The each plugged their numbers into my phone and went onto twitter and instagram and had me follow their person accounts and then the band’s account. I looked at their number of followers, noticing that they already had a decent following going on.

I decided that I should probably get back to the bus, and even though I wanted to leave my notebook with the guys so they could look over my lyrics, I decided to take it with me just in case they decided to steal it and run off to wherever they were from. It was harsh possibility, but I still didn’t really know these guys and didn’t want to take any chances.

When I got back onto the bus, Vic was sitting next to Tony with his hand on his shoulder. Tony was still sitting in front of my laptop, but it was pushed away from him a bit. Tony’s face was buried in his hands.

Vic turned around when he heard the door shut behind me. He looked at me, but quickly averted his eyes and looked to the floor and then over to Tony and then slowly over to my wrist. He told Tony. Vic said something in Tony’s ear and Tony gave him a slight nod in response before Vic got up and left the bus entirely. This was it. It was time to tell Tony that I had relapsed. This wasn’t going to be easy, and I was afraid of how he was going to react.

I took a seat next to Tony, right where Vic had been sitting. Without a word I gently laid my left wrist on the table with my right hand covering the marks. “Tony…” I said softly. “I was thinking about Marky. About a promise he made to me and a promise I made to him. And I just kind of…I didn’t handle it well.”

Tony placed his hand over my right one and gently pulled it away. I felt his body slump a bit lower in the seat as sadness washed over him at the sight of my welted and scabbed cuts. The letters were outlined in pink from the tenderness of the skin and the freshness of the cuts, making the word stand out against my tattooed wrist. “He promised me he wouldn’t do it anymore, and as long as he kept his promise, I told him that I would keep mine. But he didn’t keep my promise…so…I didn’t…I couldn’t…”

I couldn’t form any more words so I just stopped talking entirely and waited for Tony to say something or do something.

“Do you regret it?” he asked softly.

I sighed and furrowed my eyebrows. I wasn’t expecting that to be the first thing to come from his mouth. I was expecting more of a lecture. I was expecting him to tell me how much I meant to everybody and that I should never do it again. But instead he asked me this.

“More than anything,” I mumbled.

He gently lifted my wrist and placed a gentle kiss onto the tender skin. I couldn’t stand to look at the tears that were slowly emerging from the corners of his eyes while he squeezed them shut. I turned my head and looked at the opposite side of the bus and cringed at the slight sting of his lips against the cuts.

“We can get through this,” he said softly. “I know it has already been a year, but over time things will get easier. The pain will never leave though. When my dad died I was a wreck, and I still get torn up over it, but that’s okay. That’s normal – it’s human. The pain will resurface when we’re least expecting it to, but after a while it’s easier to cope. It will get easier. Don’t let your anger take over your feelings of mourning, because that’s when things like this happen.”

I let out a heavy sigh, my heart was breaking all over again. I hated talking about this – it made everything too real. “I guess a part of me still doesn’t believe that he’s really gone,” I admitted. “And the other part of me knows it and just wishes that I could be with him again.”

“What do you mean?” Tony turned to look at me. He used his left hand to gently pull my chin to the side, making me face him. “Meedie, you have so much to live for. Millions of lives look up to you every day and appreciate everything you do. I know that Marky was everything to you, but please Meedie…I-I need you…here with me.”

“Tony…I’ve never felt so incomplete. My second half is missing from my life. My baby brother…it just doesn’t make sense…he was all I had…”

“That’s not true,” he said sternly. “You have me, and Vic, and Mike, and Jaime, and Alex, and Jack, and millions of fans and hundreds of other musicians who all care about you. I know we might not add up to Marky’s importance in your life, but we’re in a pretty close second. And we’re all still here.”

“Stop,” I said quietly as I shook my head. The shaking made the tears wiggle out from underneath my closed eyelids. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore, okay? I’m sorry I did it. I won’t do it again. What do you want me to say?”

“You don’t need to say anything. I just need you to feel what I’m saying to you. Do you understand?”

I nodded; I knew exactly what Tony was saying to me, I just couldn’t feel it yet. I knew that I had all of these people all around me, but I couldn’t feel that same feeling like life was complete without Marky being one of those people around me. It didn’t feel fair to feel complete without him. “It’ll never feel the same, though.”

“I know that,” Tony said. “You find a new feeling; one that still remembers Marky, but allows you to feel complete with what you have.”

I didn’t say anything back to him. I just stood up, gave him a slight smile to let him know that I heard him and walked back over to my bunk. I shut the curtain as I laid down and tried my hardest to just close my eyes and sleep. But it wasn’t going to come that quickly. My mind was racing and my heart was pounding, but this time it wasn’t just because of Marky, it was because of Tony and the things that he had said to me. He said that he needed me here. The desperation that was in his voice was clear – the longing in his facial expression was eating away at me. He really did need me. He was suffering from Marky’s death, too, and together, we could help find a new feeling of completeness.

I heard Tony climb up into his bunk, but he never pulled the curtain back. It was his way of inviting me to climb in. For a minute I almost thought about ignoring the invitation, but there was no way that I could because I needed Tony, too. With him things made a little bit more sense. He made me pick and pry at the darkest corners of my mind; he made me talk about Marky and because of this I was slowly starting to feel a bit more at ease with the subject. It was still painful, but with Tony, it was bearable.

It was the alcohol that brought out my anger. It confused my feelings of coping and mourning for anger and remorse. I thought the drinking was helping me to numb the pain, but it was only making things worse. I looked down at my wrist and sighed. It was true – Marky did lie in a way, but can I really blame him for that? He was lost and he gave in to the confusion in his brain and body, just like I had done when I decided to pick up that blade again. It wasn’t entirely his fault. We all have our weak moments, and his was just more powerful than most.

I climbed out of my bunk and paused for a moment. Tony was lying on his side with his back facing the open curtain. I could tell that he was still awake by the way he would shift around just a bit and then let out a soft sigh. I used Mike’s bunk as a step to get up into Tony’s bunk. I pulled the curtain shut and pushed myself up against Tony’s back. My legs matched his as my chest was pushed firmly up against him. I wrapped my left arm around his torso and pulled him into me, officially leaving no open space between us. I propped myself up on my right elbow for just a moment so I could see his face.

He turned his body just a bit so he could look up at me. I bent down and placed a solid kiss onto his lips. My mouth tingled as I felt him kissing me back and sent a comforting shiver down my spine. “I need you, too, Tony,” I mumbled against his lips.

I pulled away and went back to spooning him. I felt his body relax and after a few minutes he was asleep. I still couldn’t sleep though. I was enjoying the feeling of Tony’s body against mine too much to sleep through the moment. My stomach suddenly tingled as butterflies slowly lifted away my problems, leaving me feeling weightless and elated when I realized that Tony was practically my boyfriend already. We had already admitted to liking each other, we had agreed on being committed, and we already had this unwritten law that permitted us to tell each other everything. Even though I hadn’t said it out loud, or really accepted the title, Tony was my boyfriend. And there was no reason for me to deny it any longer.

I pulled out my cell phone and decided that the best way to let Tony know that I wanted to be his girlfriend was to let everybody know. I lifted my camera up and took a picture of my face nuzzled into the back of Tony’s neck – his hair slightly hiding the smile on my lips. I lifted it up and took another picture of our bodies pushed up against each other. I felt cliché and cheesy and maybe even a bit too explicit, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted everybody to know that I had finally accepted the fact that Tony and I meant a lot to each other.

I quickly stitched the two pictures together and added a filter to them to make them lighter in contrast and typed out a quick caption. I decided that the best way to do this would be with Pierce the Veil lyrics.

Without you there is no me. @tonyperry

I posted the picture, making sure to link it to twitter beforehand, and then watched as the likes came rolling in. I closed out of the app and slid my phone under Tony’s pillow before nuzzling my face into his hair. I just laid there for a few minutes, enjoying the sound of Tony’s snores until they eventually turned into a lullaby and my eyes could no longer remain open.

Notes

Sorry it took so long to update this. Let me know what you think about Meedie joining forces with these guys? What about Tony's words to Meedie? And yay! Meedie has finally agreed to be with Tony! Let me know what you think! Any predictions?

This is my favorite story to write, and I am so happy that you all love it so much. Thank you for your comments and support. I love you all so much! xoxo.

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