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I Can Change Your Life

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It was awkward when Tony first got off the stage. I stood at the side, waiting for them to finish, and as soon as they were, Tony walked straight up to me, shaking his sweaty hair away from his face and removing his guitar from around his shoulders. We started to walk back to the dressing room after putting his guitar away. Walking beside him was awkward until I felt his hand meet my elbow. He fingers traced their way down my arm until they met the palm of my hand. He pushed his fingers through mine, lacing them together and squeezing tightly. I couldn’t help but feel relieved and like everything was going to be okay.

The boys took their showers in the dressing room while I sat on the couch, sipping my whiskey and coke and waiting for them to all leave so Tony and I could have the room to us to talk things through. Tony sat next to me on the couch, our thighs touching slightly, but our bodies not exactly comfortable. I was sure that everybody could feel the tension between us, and I felt horrible for that. I never wanted to make this tour complicated, but it seemed like my life was nothing but a giant, complicated mess that seemed to burden innocent bystanders.

Tony was the last to shower, and while he was in there, the guys all said their goodbyes and wished me luck.

The heard the water shut off and I instantly grew nervous and felt like I could cry. I reached into my pocket, pulling out my muscle relaxers that the doctor had prescribed to me and popped two of them in my mouth to let me loosen up a bit more. I finished the last sip of my drink and switched to water since I had taken those pills.

“Hey,” Tony said softly as he walked out of the bathroom, shirtless. He was shaking a towel over his hair, his muscles showing in his arms. I admired his body for a second longer, noticing how his happy trail was slightly visible over his tattoos. I had never noticed that before.

“I just wanted to start by saying that this is all a huge misunderstanding, and I’m just going to explain the entire situation to you, okay? And I want you to wait until I’m done explaining everything.”

Tony nodded slowly and took a seat next to me and turned his body sideways to face me. I did the same, but kept my gaze on his tattoos, forehead…anything but his eyes. I explained the night to him. I told him how confused I had been feeling about all of this, explained how Mike kissed me, and how I stopped him before things got too far.

“It wasn’t fair of me to do that to him, and to you. I think I always kind of knew how much you meant to me but I just needed to see if my sexuality was changing completely or if it was just you in general. Because Jaime basically told me that the heart wants what the heart wants, no matter the gender. And I just needed to take his theory to the test,” I explained.

I finally looked up to meet his eyes. They were full of hurt, understanding, and passion.

“What were the test results?” he asked.

“Well, my heart wants you. And it sure as hell doesn’t want anyone else.”

Tony let a smile crack through his serious façade. He smiled widely and reached his arms out to pull me into a tight embrace. He pulled me into his lap and I allowed myself to curl up into his bare chest. The feeling of his warm skin against me sent comfort and happiness coursing throughout me. I had never felt so appreciated in anybody’s arms before. Sure, I used to cuddle with Lindsay, but she was always so cold and I felt like our bodies didn’t fit like mine did with Tony. Tony’s arms fit around my body like they were made to be there, and I felt so perfectly molded into his chest like a puzzle piece. I was complete with Tony. I’d never felt so whole, not since Marky and I had started the band.

“Meedie?” Tony asked as he pressed his lips into my hair.

“Mm?” I replied, keeping my face pressed against his chest.

“I care about you a lot. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did because I guess we’re not technically together, and when it happened we weren’t sure about what we were, so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but for some reason it just hurt me so bad. I felt like I had been cheated on, and to be honest, I wasn’t even that mad at you, I was just confused as hell and left the bus because I knew that I was probably going to start a fight over something that’s not so bad. I just…I care about you so much and the thought of you being with someone else killed me.”

“I wouldn’t want to be with anyone but you, Tony.”

“When?” he asked.

“When, what?”

“When do you want to be with me? When do we make this official?”

I was afraid of that question, because I really didn’t know. I felt like we should go out on a date or something, but dating was usually to try and get to know the person, where as I already knew Tony. I had known Tony just as long as Vic and Mike had. I wanted Tony to be mine, but was I really ready for a relationship? Was Tony even ready for a relationship? I felt like we still had so much going on in our heads. I felt like it wouldn’t be smart to jump into a relationship.

“I-I don’t know, Tony… I feel like we’re practically already in a relationship. Let’s just…not worry about that right now,” I said softly. His grip loosened just a bit, and I could feel his sadness. “I feel like putting a label on it might jinx it. Can’t we just keep what we have for now?”

“Yeah,” Tony said softly. “I guess so. But our conversation earlier still applies right? We’re not going to see or hook up with any other people, right?”

“Only you, Tony Perry.”

Tony smiled widely and pressed his lips against mine, still smiling. I couldn’t help but mimic his actions against his mouth. I smiled so big, and I don’t even know why but I felt this overwhelming sense of happiness – like everything was perfect. And nothing in the world mattered. Not my confusion, not my misdirection in my career, not my losses, not my future, nothing but Tony and the way I felt while I was in his arms mattered.

His tongue gently hit my bottom lip, and I opened my mouth just enough for our tongues to meet in a slow, sensual rhythm. He kept his arms wrapped around me while my hands gripped either side of his face, just along his jawline. I slowly pushed my hands back so they were holding onto the back of his head, keeping his lips against mine and our bodies pressed together. He slowly began to lean back onto the couch, and I followed his actions, lying down on top of him.

We continued lying there, making out, and holding each other for a good fifteen minutes before we finally pulled apart around the same time. I pressed my forehead against his and stared right into his big, brown eyes.

“Do you ever think about how this started?” Tony asked softly.

“What do you mean?” I asked softly.

Tony continued to stare right into my eyes as he spoke. “Do you ever try to figure out exactly when you knew you had feelings for me? Because whenever I look back, I can’t imagine that there was a time where I wasn’t attracted to you.”

“Really?”

Tony sighed and the feeling of his breath against my lips sent shivers down my spine. He noticed my reaction and laughed just a bit while his hands gently began to trace my curves. “Well yeah, Meedie. You’re absolutely gorgeous. I haven’t met anybody who would disagree with that. I feel like a part of me always wished that I had a chance with you. I’m sure I’m not the only who feels that way, too.”

I blushed at his words. I never thought about that before. I never really cared if the guys in the bands were attracted to me or anything. Sure I would get hit on a lot, but I never thought anything of it. I always just assumed it was because I was a lesbian and everybody wanted to be able to turn me straight, like Mike. I had never actually thought that they were that attracted to me.

“I don’t know when I started having feelings for you Tony. My head is still in such a flurry about all of this. The only thing I do know is that I have feelings for you now, and that’s all that matters.”

Tony smiled and kissed my lips once, very softly, before I sat up and straightened my clothes out. Tony sat up and walked across the room to grab his backpack that was full of his clothes and things. He put it on his back and I went to grab my purse. He laced our fingers together and we walked out of the dressing room. “Long way?” Tony asked with a smile as we exited the room.

“Of course,” I replied with the same smile. I loved that Tony and I each shared such a huge admiration for our fans. The other guys did as well, but Tony and I were the ones who were always out and about – meeting fans as much as possible and going out of our way to give them the chance to meet us. Because we had each gone through so much in our lives – Tony with his father’s passing and slight depression in high school, and me with…well…everything, the fans were able to relate to us the most.

Since the show had been over for an hour or so, the venue was empty and the only people walking around were other band members, venue security, and the workers that were cleaning up. We headed toward the front door, and as soon as we did, a few kids noticed us and immediately whipped out their phones and rushed over to us, some of them already taking pictures or filming us. Tony squeezed my hand tighter as they approached. He released my hand so we could sign some autographs and take pictures. Most of the fans wanted me and Tony to be in the pictures together with them. I was pretty sure they wanted us to be together in the pictures because they were still unsure of whether Tony and I were dating or not since we still hadn’t really cleared the air with that.

“Are you guys dating?”

“Tony, kiss her!”

“Can I take a picture of you guys kissing?”

“Meedie I thought you liked girls!”

The fans continued screaming out at us, and the crowd was beginning to grow. I didn’t know what to do. I felt Tony’s fingers lace with my own again. He leaned over placed his lips beside my ear.

“Ready to go?” he asked. I nodded once and then looked back up at the fans, as did he. “Sorry guys, we have to get back to the bus.”

The fans groaned and continued begging for pictures and autographs and throwing random questions at us. The security walked out of the building to get the kids to leave since it was after hours while Tony and I peacefully walked down the corner of the building with our laced fingers swinging lightly between us.

“Hey! Meedie! Tony!”

I turned around and saw a guy running after us. He was wearing a backpack and carrying a stack of CDs in white, paper sleeves. He looked awfully familiar – I was pretty certain that I had seen him at the other tour dates. He was obviously trying to give his demo out, and I figured that I would take one and give it a listen. It was only fair. I could remember that it was like being in his shoes when I was first starting out with Marky.

“Hey,” Tony said with a smile. “I think I’ve seen you out here handing out CDs before.”

“Yeah, my band mates and I have been following your guys’ tour dates and handing out CDs at every show and trying to land a few gigs in between stops and stuff. It’s been a blast,” he rambled a bit before handing me a CD. “Will you guys please give it a listen? I just want your honest feedback, is all.”

“Of course,” I replied while giving him a huge smile.

“And I just have to say…Tony, you are my idol. My drummer will kill me if he finds out that I’m totally being a crazy fan, but I can’t help it, man. You are my favorite guitarist ever and I hope that someday I can jam with you.”

I watched Tony’s grin stretch from ear to ear. He shook the guys hand and continued to smile with all of his teeth showing and the corners of his eyes crinkling. “Thank you so much. That’s amazing to hear. And who know? Maybe someday we’ll be opening up for you or something,” Tony said.

“I don’t think so. Probably the other way around. But either way, just to be talking to you right now is an honor enough. And Meedie, you’re my number one crush.” The guy blushed immensely and then apologized for saying it. “I’m so sorry if that’s awkward, oh my god, I’m totally blowing this right now.”

“No, that’s actually great that you said that,” Tony said as he turned to look at me. “I was just telling her earlier about how I still haven’t met someone who doesn’t think she’s attractive.”

“Exactly! Every person I’ve ever talked to has been the same way,” the guy replied. He pushed his bangs away from his face and scratched the side of his neck.

“What’s your name, man?” Tony asked.

“Drew,” he replied with a large smile.

“Thanks Drew,” Tony said. “We’ll give your CD a listen and let you know what we think at the next show.”

“Thank you guys so much. And sorry for taking up so much of your time,” Drew said as he slowly began to take a step backward.

“No way, don’t apologize,” I said with a smile. “It was great meeting you, Drew.”

He smiled widely and said goodbye before turning to disappear behind the building where he had come from earlier. Tony and I turned back around and began walking back toward the bus.

“I told you that you have an impact on them,” I said finally.

“Huh?”

“A while ago you asked me about what it was like to know I’ve changed lives. And I told you that you changed lives, too, but you didn’t believe that you as an individual could have done it. Well, what’s it like, Tony? To know you’ve changed a life?”

“It’s fucking incredible,” Tony replied without any hesitation. “That kid was great, and I really hope his CD doesn’t suck.” Tony let out a relaxed laugh and I joined in on the laughter.

I looked down at the white envelope in my hands, trying to make out the words scribbled over the CD, but failed since it was too dark outside. We walked onto the bus, and as soon as we did everything grew quiet. The guys all stared over at us. Tony lifted our laced hands into the air, showing it off proudly as the guys all replied with clapping and cheering.

“We’re so glad you guys were able to work it out!” Jaime cheered as he sauntered over to us, holding an entire bottle of Jack in his left hand. “Now we’re off to party on All Time Low’s bus until it’s time for bus call! You guys wanna join?”

Tony smiled widely. “Hell yeah,” he smiled. “I love those dudes.”

I agreed as well, but frowned a bit when I realized that I hadn’t even been socializing with any of the other bands on this tour. It was such a shame because this was probably the best tour that I could ever tag along on: The Spring Fever tour, a tour made up of four bands touring together simply because we all get along so well. For a split second I wondered that if things were different, if Marky was still here…would our band be on this tour, too? I quickly pushed the thought out of my mind and focused on the idea of getting to spend time with one of my long-time best friends, Alex Gaskarth.

I thought back to the night that I had jumped out on stage on the first day of the tour and surprised everybody by singing along. Alex missed the set that night since they were in the dressing room getting ready to perform after Pierce the Veil, and he was the first person to tweet me the next day, asking if it was real. I never responded, and I never went to talk to him about it.

“Are you okay?” Tony asked, noticing how I had been quiet for the past ten minutes while we were all getting ready to head over to ATL’s party. He buttoned his fresh pair of pants, wiggling his hips a bit to get them on right.

“Yeah,” I said with a frown as I pulled my shirt on over my head. “I was just thinking about how I pushed everyone away after Marky…”

“Oh,” Tony replied softly. There wasn’t much else that he could say. I knew that he understood, because he did the same thing. “Don’t worry, tonight we can slowly ease back into the partying and socializing.”

“Okay. I’m excited to talk to Alex. I haven’t talked to him in ages,” I said with a nostalgic smile and content sigh. “You know, All Time Low was the first band that Meadows ever toured with.”

“Really?” Tony asked with a large grin. “I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah. We opened up for them on a small US tour. After that we just kind of blew up. It’s sad to think that we weren’t around for very long. Marky had a five-year rule. That we had to be in the band, touring, and writing music for at least five consecutive years. We were only five months shy of our fifth year…”

“Ready to go, guys?” Vic peeked his head from around the corner and grinned widely when he saw that we were ready to go. “You guys are matching,” Vic laughed as he pointed at the two of us. I looked down at my maroon pants and black, cut-off t-shirt before looking over to Tony who was wearing a maroon, cut-off t-shirt with black jeans. We were opposites of each other.

“Oh my god,” I laughed as I continued to look between us.

“How did we not notice this when we were getting ready right next to each other?” Tony asked through his laughter.

“Aw,” Jaime chimed in, joining Vic’s side. “You guys coordinated. That’s cute.”

“Even their shoes!” Vic exclaimed, looking down at our black shoes. We were both wearing all-black Vans. The only different in our outfits was that I had cuffed the bottoms of my pants just a bit so they weren’t so long.

“Party!” Mike chanted from the front of the bus. “I want to party!”

We all laughed before heading out of the bus. As we walked down the steps, I jumped onto Vic’s back, wrapping my arms around his middle. His hands flew back as a reaction, grabbing onto my legs. Vic laughed a bit, but didn’t protest. As he stepped down the final step, I felt Tony’s hand connect with my behind in a loud slap. I let out a slight shriek in response.

“Tony!” I exclaimed as he laughed and ran toward the front of our little group. “Hands off the merchandise!” I called after him.

“Yeah, Tony, save that for later when you’re both drunk and vulnerable,” Jaime chimed in.

“Too bad she’s not wearing lipstick tonight, Tone,” Vic added in.

I blushed and we all began to laugh hysterically as Mike and Jaime began to chant “Lipstick on my dick” like Tony had done the other night when he was drunk.

“Did I hear that correctly?” Alex’s voice piped up as he pushed open their bus door just as we approached. “Could Meedie be attending this party?”

“Alex!” I squealed and I struggled to get off of Vic’s back. I ran up the steps and wrapped my arms around his middle as his arms wrapped around my shoulders. He squeezed me tight, and when we pulled apart, he kept an arm draped around my shoulders.

“Hey Alex,” Vic greeted.

“Hey man,” Alex nodded. “Hey guys,” he nodded toward everybody else.

“Party!” Mike whined. “I want to party!”

Alex smiled widely. “Good! Because let me tell you…this is already a crazy fucking party,” Alex said through a laugh. We turned around and stepped onto the bus. Alex’s arm was still draped over my shoulders. The music was loud and the talking was even louder. Once the people came into view, I could see what Alex was talking about – every single band and crew member had somehow shoved themselves onto this bus. Jack, All Time Low’s guitarist, was standing on the table with his shirt tied up so his entire stomach was showing. Zack, All Time Low’s bassist, was challenging people to arm-wrestling matches on the kitchen counter, and there was more that I couldn’t see. Alcohol was everywhere, and it was the only thing that I could really smell.

“Hey!” Alex screamed over the talking, laughter and music. “I need your attention! Everybody!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALEX HAS SOMETHING TO SAY!” Jack shrieked to the bus. The music was turned down, the talking quieted, and everybody turned toward me and Alex. Jaime, Tony, Vic, Mike, and a few other members of PTV’s crew had slowly made their way onto the bus, piling in just behind where Alex and I were standing.

“Ladies and Gentlewomen,” Alex began with a smirk. “I have the news we have all been waiting for. Tonight’s DD is the lovely Meedie MontClair!”

The entire bus screamed and applauded. I couldn’t help but gulp. You see, DD isn’t what it usually stands for in All Time Low’s vocabulary. DD stands for “designated drinker” and whoever is appointed designated drinker of the evening gets extremely wasted, and you cannot turn down being DD. That means that every time somebody is doing shots, the DD has to join in no matter what. If somebody doesn’t want the rest of their drink, the DD has to finish it. If somebody makes the DD a drink, they have to drink it. No exceptions unless you’re passed out or dead. If you get really bad, you can opt to bitch out, but that’s not a good idea. The last person to bitch out ended up tied on top of the tour bus naked the next morning.

As soon as the party started back up, I was being handed two red cups, one for each hand, and a shot was placed down on the counter in front of me by Alex. I bent over, picking the shot up with my mouth and tilting it back, swallowing the contents with no hands before leaning back over and gently dropping the glass back onto the counter. Alex and the small group of people that were around me cheered after I finished. I immediately took a drink of the cup in my left hand: jack and coke. And then my right hand: some awful mixed drink that tasted like a mixture of beer and water. But I had no choice – I was DD and I had to drink it. I had been DD several times before, and to this day I was still the legend. I have never bitched out, never thrown up, and never passed out while DD.

I felt a hand rest on the small of my back after I had made my way to the back of the bus to greet the fellows from Mayday Parade. I looked behind me to see Tony standing there with a red cup in his right hand.

“Tony!” they all greeted him happily, raising their drinks to say hello.

“I’ve come to steal the DD,” Tony announced. “Hope that’s okay with you guys.”

“Of course!” Derek, the lead singer of Mayday Parade, agreed. “She promised me shots later though, so just don’t bitch out or anything!”

“You obviously don’t know much about me,” I laughed. “Five times DD, never bitched out or lost. This time will be no different.”

The guys all cheered while Tony guided me back toward the front of the bus to where there were two shots waiting for us in the long, double shot glasses. “Jack let me use some of his fireball,” Tony announced proudly as he handed me one of the glasses after he set down his red cup.

“I love fireball,” I said happily as I held onto the glass. “I’m surprised Jack let you have some. He’s protective of his fireball.”

“I know,” Tony laughed. “I just told him it was for you and he agreed. Everybody loves you, Meedie.” Tony chuckled a bit.

“What’s not to love?” I joked while I flipped my hair over my shoulder and struck a small pose.

“That’s what I’m sayin’,” Tony agreed with a smile before he reached he arm out and hooked it around mine. Our arms tangled and holding our shot glasses up to our mouths. “You’re fucking incredible,” Tony muttered while still looking down at his drink. We lifted our arms up together while craning our hands down to meet the glasses. We gulped down the shots.

The second my glass met the counter with a clank, I could feel the effects amplifying my slight buzz. “You’re fucking irresistible,” I replied to Tony’s comment. I pushed my body forcefully up against his, our lips meeting quickly. His left hand grabbed onto my right leg, pulling it up so my knee was at his waist. He supported it by gripping onto my thigh while his right hand was placed firmly on my ass. Our lips moved together frantically and sloppily. My fingers were tugging at the ends of his hair while our bodies remained pushed tightly up against the counter.

“Holy fuck!” Alex shouted loudly from behind us.

“Sex!” Jack shouted loudly.

Our kissing slowed down when we realized that we were in public. Tony laughed into the kiss and we pulled away. He continued to hold onto me, though, and I continued to gently play with his hair. I stared at him for a little bit before kissing his lips once more. Tony smiled into the kiss and pulled away, still smiling widely. I pulled myself away from him and turned around, but kept my body tightly against his. He wrapped his arms around me and rested his thumbs in the front pockets of my jeans. I completely leaned into him while Alex placed a drink into my hands.

“So tell me,” Jack said from the other side of the small kitchen area. “Now that you’ve had the best of both worlds – which sex is better?”

I laughed a bit and took a large gulp of my drink, enjoying the nicely made mixed drink. And also enjoying the fact that everybody was giving me a small break on the shots and drinking.

“Well, they are pretty different. I don’t think it’s fair to compare them,” I replied, honestly. Although sex with Tony was quite amazing, I did have to admit that I had been given some pretty mind-blowing orgasms from oral sex. The sex was quite different – oral stimulation vs. penetration just didn’t seem like a fair fight.

“Okay, I get that,” Jack nodded. “But still.”

“Well, I am yet to see what Tony can do with his tongue. So I’ll let you know on that,” I replied with a wink while lifting my cup up to my lips.

I felt Tony laughing behind me while Alex and Jack yelled out of shock. Their eyes were open wide and their jaws hanging as they cried out in shock.

“I can’t believe she just said that!” Jack cried out while practically in tears.

“This, Jack, is why I fucking love this woman right here,” Alex said while pointing at me.

I felt Tony lean down so his lips were right beside my ear. “How much longer before I can prove myself to you?” he whispered with a low voice. I felt goosebumps rising across my body at the sound of his voice. I mentally cursed mother nature for making me be on my period when all I wanted to do was fuck Tony.

I pulled his head down just a bit so I could place my lips beside his ear. “Be patient,” I said softly. I took this moment to gently bite on the side of his ear, just above his diamond stud.

“I bet that means Meedie can do some pretty crazy shit with her mouth then, right?” Jack asked after Tony and I had returned to our normal positions.

Tony laughed a little bit. “Oh yeah,” he replied. I could hear that smile in his voice. “You have no fucking idea.”

“Lipstick on my dick!” Jaime shouted, coming up to us.

“Oh my god,” Tony blushed and laughed. “Was I really that bad? Did I really say it that much?”

“Yeah, you announced it to the entire bar and then wouldn’t stop saying it on the way to the bus,” Vic chimed in, suddenly appearing in our little circle of conversation.

“Is it weird for you guys?” Jack asked. “Knowing that they probably fuck when you’re right there on the bus?”

Alex cringed a bit. “I’m happy for my dudes when they get laid, but I couldn’t deal with hearing the sex or knowing that it’s happening where I’m living. We don’t usually bring girlfriends on our bus like that. And if we do, we have a no sex rule.”

Vic furrowed his eyebrows a bit. I stared at him and Jaime, curious to see how they felt.

“I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it. I mean, we’ve never heard them having sex or anything. And they’ve only shared a bunk a couple of times.”

“I’ve heard them,” Jaime announced with a smile. “Yeah, it was loud.”

“On the bus?” Vic asked with wide eyes and a slight laugh.

“No,” Jaime shook his head. “At the hotel on the night that Tony had a breakdown and Meedie staid the night in his room. They weren’t exactly quiet. Banging around on the walls and shit.”

“We weren’t on any walls!” I replied quickly, feeling a bit embarrassed, but not too much at the same time. It’s not like anybody here hadn’t had sex before, so it wasn’t that big of a deal to talk about.

“Yes we were,” Tony corrected me. “It was when I had my hand on your neck and my other hand-“

“That is definitely enough of that,” I interjected quickly, cutting Tony off.

“Woah shit!” Alex nearly screamed out. I loved how he made everything less awkward by being so loud and dramatic.

“Hand on her neck?” Jack asked with wide eyes. “That sounds interesting,” he began to zone out, thinking about what Tony had said.

“I had no idea you were so kinky,” Vic laughed as he scrunched his nose up a bit.

“It was all Tony,” I said, putting my hands up a bit.

“Oh, don’t act like you didn’t like it,” Tony commented with a laugh.

I took a drink and shrugged. “I never said that I didn’t like it.”

Before anybody could reply, Derek emerged from the back of the bus and pulled me over for a round of shots.

“White girl wasted!” Jack screeched as we downed the shots.

-

I slipped away from the party and stumbled across the parking lot and let myself back onto PTV’s bus. I wanted to call it my bus, but it wasn’t mine. I was just here. But why? Why was I even here? I had no purpose on this tour. My only purpose was to be there with Tony and occasionally sing with the guys. But that wasn’t enough of a reason for me.

I hiccupped as I pushed my way through the back of the bus and into the back room, taking a seat by the window that I had spent a lot of my nights at during the first few dates of this tour. The bus wasn’t moving though, so it was only a good distraction for a few minutes before my mind began to drown me in memories.

I was no longer feeling nostalgic like I was earlier; I was outright angry. I was angry at Marky for leaving me. I was mad at him for going back on his promise to get clean. He promised me that he would do it for me and for the fans.

“Marky! You can’t fucking do this shit anymore!” I shouted as I locked the bathroom door behind me with his baggie in my hands. I looked down at the powder that had consumed my brother, wanting nothing more than to destroy every ounce of it in the world. I flipped the bag over and dumped all of it into the toilet in a hurry. I quickly flushed it, and when Marky heard the sound of the toilet he thrust his body against the door and barged in, immediately tackling me from behind.

“Miranda you don’t understand!” he screamed. “You just don’t fucking get it.”

I tossed the bag into the trash. Marky pushed me out of the way, quickly diving after the bag. He pulled it from the trash and licked his finger before tracing it around the inside of the bag, hoping to pick up any residue before pressing it to his tongue over and over again. I didn’t stop him – there wasn’t enough in the bag to do anything to him.

He slumped down on the ground, letting the baggie fall from his hands as he pushed his palms against his forehead roughly. His skin was covered in a thin layer of sweat, his hands slightly shaking as he rubbed around his face. The tears were falling from his eyes harshly and colliding with his bare chest. He screamed out in what sounded like pain. I knew that he hadn’t had a fix for a couple of days and that he had to be hurting.

“No more, Marky,” I said softly while I rubbed my own tears away. “Promise me. Promise me you’ll stop.”

“I don’t know if I can make that promise, Miranda. It hurts so fucking bad,” he sobbed. “I hate it.”

“So stop, Markus. Don’t do this to the fans. Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to yourself.” He nodded, but didn’t say anything in return. “Remember that promise I made to you? About cutting myself? I promised you that I would stop. I promised you that I would stop doing it to you and to myself. If I was able to keep that promise, you can keep this one. It’ll be our promise to each other. In fact, if you break your promise, Marky, I’m breaking mine.”

“Meedie…” he groaned.

I quickly ripped open the bathroom drawer and pulled out any razor I could find. I expertly ripped the blade from the face of it and held it over my wrist. “Promise me, Marky!” I screamed.

He looked up at me but quickly looked away. “You wouldn’t…” he said softly.

I pushed the blade down so it was just barely touching my skin. The cold metal sent a comforting shiver down my spine. “Markus, you better make a fucking decision,” I hissed. I knew that it wasn’t fair for me to use this against him, but if it was the only thing that would get him to stop, I would do it.

“Miranda! Stop it!” he yelled through the tears that were falling harder now. Spit flew from his mouth as he cried, his lips contorted in a frown as he sobbed. “Fucking stop!”

I pushed down harder, trying not to wince at the feeling of the blade adding tension to the skin. All I had to do was move left or right and the skin would break in an instant. “Promise me, dammit!”

“I promise! I promise!” he blurted out quickly. “I fucking promise to stop, now put that down!”

The tears were streaming from my eyes when I came back from my flashback. I was standing in the bathroom, holding a blade to my wrist just as I had a little over a year ago. I hovered over the scars and tattoos on my arm. The scars were nothing but faded welts hidden under my sleeve of tattoos. Nobody would notice them unless you were really looking closely. The blade was hovering over the top of my left wrist, right where Marky’s name was tattooed on my wrist. “Markus” was written in a swirly script, the swirls traveling up my arm and blending into the floral piece that was on my forearm, covering my scars.

“He didn’t keep his promise,” I muttered to myself. The realization struck me harder than I would have liked. The pain shot through my body mixed with the anger that I was feeling. He promised me that he wasn’t going to do it again. He promised me that he would stop. And we had linked our promises together. I told him that if he didn’t keep his promise, I wasn’t going to keep mine.

It wasn’t fair of me to think like that. When I linked our promises I had no intention of actually following through with breaking my promise. But I never imagined that Marky would die from breaking his promise. I guess that either way I had to do this: Marky broke his promise and Marky was dead. Did my promise even count anymore? I promised him that I wouldn’t do this again, but if he didn’t exist anymore, did that void my promise?

I was free. No promises holding me back. Nothing holding me back.

I pushed down, feeling the tension, but no skin broken just yet. I savored the moment. I savored the feeling of the blade against my skin. I pushed down a bit harder before slowly dragging my hand to the right, pulling the blade right across Marky’s name on my wrist. I watched the tattooed skin split open and soon be covered in red.

I savored the feeling of the blade against my skin. The feeling was euphoric. The pain mixed with the pleasure made my eyes shut and my head tilt back. This feeling was better than any promise I could have ever kept.

I wondered if Marky had felt this way when he brought his nose back to the line. Did he savor the moment? Was the sight of the powder enough for him to completely ignore the promise? I wondered if it was as amazing as he remembered. Did he at least enjoy himself before it all happened?

It shouldn’t have mattered because he lied. He promised me and he lied. The anger took me over again, the feeling of release fading as my thoughts brought me back to the pain in my heart.

I lifted the blade up and this time, instead of making another line, I carved what Marky really was into my skin, over his name. I flicked the blade across my wrist, biting onto the tip of my tongue out of both concentration and pain. I tossed the blade into the sink before turning on the faucet to clear the blood before it stained. I didn’t place my wrist under just yet. I watched the droplets hit the water and swirl down the drain for a while until the bleeding nearly stopped. I placed my wrist under the sink and ignored the stinging sensation that the water created. The water was running clear when I finally turned off the faucet.

I stared down at the name that was once on my wrist. The letters were contorted, raw, and mangled. Mixed with the word that I had traced into my skin.

“Liar,” I mumbled the word out loud, staring down at the precise, angry lines that were welted and red.

The ink was ripped and his name was hard to read now, but I didn’t care. I didn’t want his name on my wrist anymore. I didn’t want to think about Marky anymore. I pulled a Love Before Glory sweatshirt on over my head before going pee and then heading back over to the party. I was the DD, and I was going to be missed if I was gone for too long.

I walked back onto the bus and everybody cheered at my presence. I did three rounds of shots in about two minutes. My vision was blurred and hazy and my body was hot from the alcohol and the sweatshirt.

“Hey,” Tony said with a dopey, alcohol-induced happiness written across his face. “Where did you disappear to?”

“I got cold so I grabbed a sweatshirt.”

“You could have just used one of Alex’s. You didn’t have to leave me entirely,” Tony pouted a bit, but it never reached his eyes.

I chuckled a bit before sipping on the drink that had been placed into my hand by somebody. “I had lady business to attend to,” I explained before kissing the tip of his nose. “But I’m here now.”

“Good,” Tony smiled happily and wrapped his arms around my waist, slowly rocking us back and forth as he hugged me tightly. I smiled against his shirt. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me, too,” I said with a smile.

I frowned at the irony of the situation. I wasn’t glad to be there. Not just with Tony, but alive. I wasn’t happy with being alive. I didn’t want to be there.

Look who’s the liar now, I thought.

Notes

I'm sorry if this was hard for anyone to read. I've been feeling pretty down lately, and that's why most of my stories have been becoming rather depressing.

Also, I'm sorry for not putting any "trigger warning" alert before clicking on this chapter. I don't like to spoil the moment because I want to elicit emotions and not have you expect anything that happens. Plus, this entire story is a bit of a trigger warning. Most of my stories are. Maybe I should put something about that in the description? I don't know. I know that this story is difficult for a lot of people to read because of its content, and I apologize for that. This story is my baby, and I spent a lot of time trying to add as much real and painful conflict to it as I can.

What do you think about Meedie's actions? What about Tony and Meedie's talks? What about that Drew kid? He's going to be coming back and we'll be seeing a lot of him.

Again, I am sorry if this was hard for anyone. And I am always here to talk to if you need it. Enjoy! xoxox. (also sorry it's so long. I didn't want to split the chapter)

Comments

About 5 hours cause my phone would start to die and then I would get into my movie to lol

@taylorlovesptv
I've missed your comments! I remember you commenting. I'm glad you're back on here. I've been MIA from my stories for a while :/ But I just updated! I hope you like it and will read the sequel when I announce it :D

eliseypoo eliseypoo
6/19/15

@Mike'sArmy
How long did it take you to read all of it? haha. Thank you for reading and commenting! :D I hope you liked it and will stick around for the sequel :)

eliseypoo eliseypoo
6/19/15

So I started reading this today. I've read all of it today lol. I love it and I'm excited to see what's next. I honestly think that meedie and Tony were ment to be. There for a minute I thought she was pregnant because of throwing up.

literally so in love with this story, I think I started reading it like a year ago and I haven't been on here in like a year and I immediately started reading this story again and I can't wait until you update like I'm so in love with the idea of Tony and meedie and I just want them to get back together :D

taylorlovesptv taylorlovesptv
6/14/15