The next morning I woke up to a sudden pain in my abdomen. I wanted to ignore it and assume that it was just normal cramps from my period, but as soon as another wave of pain hit, followed by the severe nausea, I knew that it was something different. I began to take in deep breaths through clenched teeth as I tried to calm myself down and ease the pain, but it wasn’t helping. I felt like a knife had been lodged into my stomach and was ripping at my uterus. It wasn’t right. The pain was too intense.

“Tony!” I nearly screamed when another cramp twisted at my insides. “Tony! Wake up, something’s wrong.”

“What! What?” Tony awoke with a jolt, sitting up quickly and immediately placing his arms around me.

“No!” I pushed his arms off of me. “It’s my stomach. It hurts so bad.” I started to sob. I couldn’t help it, I’d never felt anything so painful in my entire life. I felt pathetic for crying over pain. I felt pathetic for crying over my period.

“Is it your cramps? Want me to plug in your heating pad?” Tony asked, his voice was gentle and concerned.

“Yes,” I said in the most stable voice I could manage. “I think I am going to go to the bathroom.”

Tony nodded and began to reach for my heating pad that was sitting in the corner of my bunk. I slowly made my way to the back, hoping that maybe if I went pee, or even changed my tampon that the pain would subside. I sat on the toilet, hoping that trying to force myself to use the restroom would help, but it didn’t. I finished my business, changed my tampon, but the pain didn’t subside. I was hardly bleeding at all. It didn’t make any sense to me.

I got up to wash my hands, but as soon as I turned the water on, another pain rattled through my body.

“Tony!” I called out his name as I doubled over, trying to keep myself on my feet in the process. But my body couldn’t stand the pain. Just before my knees could hit the linoleum of the bathroom floor, Tony’s arms wrapped around me, catching me from my fall.

“Meedie!” he exclaimed, shocked at the fact that I was collapsing. “What is wrong?”

I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was paralyzed by the pain that was becoming much more frequent in my stomach. “Something’s not right,” I managed to choke out.

Tony was petting my hair, trying to relax me, but every time the pain hit, my body tensed up and I let out a long groan. “We need to get you to the hospital.”

The pain had died down once we got ready and made our way to the closest urgent care. We were close to Charlotte, NC, but we stopped just outside of town in order to avoid being exposed to fans while we tried to get me taken care of.

“I can’t do this,” I said once the nurse had left the room. We were now waiting for the doctor, and I was certain that I was going to break down and cry before the doctor could even enter. The last time I had been to the doctor, or hospital, or urgent care, or anything like this was when Marky had died. The white walls were bringing back too many memories.

Tony was in the room with me. He refused to leave me side, even after I told him that I was a big girl and could handle the visit on my own. Deep down I knew that I was lying though, and I was extremely grateful to have Tony by my side.

The doctor came in before I could actually decide that I wasn’t ready to be in there. I explained my pains to her as she began to feel around my abdomen.

“Lay all the way,” she instructed. She placed her stethoscope up to her ears and pressed the flat receptor up to my pant-line. “Is this your boyfriend?” she asked, motioning over to Tony.

“Uh…well…” I blushed, unsure of what to say.

“I guess you could call me that,” Tony said with a slight smile.

“Are you sexually active?”

“Yes,” I answered slowly. “But I’m on birth control, so there’s no way I could be pregnant. Plus, I was told years ago that because of my hormones, I pretty much had no chance of having a baby. That’s why I had to get on birth control in the first place. Because I wasn’t getting my period, and I needed to get the birth control with the hormone enhancements.”

“How long have you been taking them for?”

“Probably around ten years now. I rarely get my period. Maybe once or twice a year. I just started my period yesterday, and I thought I was just having cramps at first, but this pain is far too much to be just cramps.”

“She was doubled over in the bathroom. And she has a very high pain tolerance. It was unlike her to be in this much pain,” Tony added.

“How often do you two have sex?” The doctor was nearly completely ignoring what we were telling her. I could tell that she was still thinking that I was pregnant, but I knew that I wasn’t. Plus, it would be too soon to tell if I was pregnant or not. Tony and I had just barely started having sex. And even then, we haven’t done it a lot or anything.

“Well, we just started…um…seeing each other a few weeks ago. We’ve only had sex maybe four times?” I answered. I looked over to Tony so he could confirm my number. He gave me a slight nod and a shrug of the shoulders.

Before anyone could speak, I let out a small groan as pain shot through me again. I was really starting to get sick of this pain.

“I’m sorry for being so blunt, but, Miranda, do you have sex often? Even before your boyfriend, here?”

That’s when I felt awkward. I explained to her how I was attracted to girls and how Tony was the first guy I had been with in a long time.

“Hm…” The doctor was lost in thought. “Well, I would like to do a sonogram. I know you don’t think you are pregnant because of your hormones, but I just want to see what your uterus looks like. There is the possibility that you have a miracle growing in there and the hormone pills could be effecting your cycle. Your body could be thinking that it needs to have a period because of the hormones, but really you could be pregnant, which would explain the hormones. But, I need to perform a sonogram, like I said. So, if you could please lift your shirt up just below your breasts, and I’ll get the machine started.”

She motioned toward the machine that was sitting in the corner of the room. I looked over to Tony to try and see what he thought about this, but he kept his gave on the floor. I caught a glimpse of a slight smile, but then a frown. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Was he happy that I could be pregnant? Or was he sad about it? I knew that I couldn’t be pregnant though. There was no way in hell that there was a baby growing inside of me. And if there was, I had surely fucked that up by the amount of alcohol I had consumed the night before.

This was too much. As I laid back, holding my shirt up, I felt the tears start to stream down my face. Just a month ago I was an alcoholic lesbian still fucked up and blaming herself for her brother’s death. Now here I was, fucking Tony Perry and checking to see if I was pregnant. And still an alcoholic. And still somewhat blaming myself for Marky’s death. So much had changed, but not much at the same time.

I allowed myself to get lost in my tears and thoughts as the doctor slid the instrument across my belly. She stared at the screen and let out an occasional “hmm” that would mix with the sound that the machine was emitting into the room.

“Okay,” she said finally. “This could be good news or bad news, it really depends on what you were expecting. You’re not pregnant.”

Tony let out a rough breath and I felt my tears slowing.

“What are you experiencing are extreme cramps. You’ll be just fine, but I’m going to ask you to stop taking those birth control pills. I think that your hormone levels are messing up with your body’s natural cycle. I think that, based off of what you have told me, your hormones may have spiked, and will now stabilize after this period. I think this man has cured you of your unstable hormones. I don’t know for sure if that’s what is happening, but I’m pretty sure that once you stop taking those pills and your body gets them out of your system, you’ll be just fine. I will prescribe some muscle relaxers to help with the pain for this. Take one in the morning after you have eaten, and then take one at night right before you go to bed. It’s an extremely low dosage, so you’ll be fine to go about your daily activities. It’ll just help your uterine lining to shed easier through the relaxation. You can pick up your prescription at the front. Have a nice day.”

“Well…that was weird,” Tony laughed after a minute.

I just stared at the door. Trying to take in everything that she had just said. She seemed like she was in such a hurry and didn’t even wait to see if I had any questions or anything. She just dumped all of this important on me and then left. At least I wasn’t pregnant, though.

-

“Meedie,” Mike said as he entered the back of the bus. It was only an hour until we all needed to be in the venue for the show and I was feeling a lot better after I had taken a muscle relaxer. I felt like I was back to normal.

“What’s up?” I asked as I sat up on the couch.

“Have you um…talked to Tony, yet?” he asked while awkwardly shifting his feet.

“Oh, no. I’ll do it right now though,” I said as I began to stand up.

“Do what?” Tony asked, suddenly entering the room. He walked up to me and gave me a quick kiss on the top of my head.

“I need to talk to you,” I said softly.

Tony sighed. “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you, too.”

Mike left the room, shutting the door behind him. I was nervous about talking to Tony. I had never dealt with a situation like this, and it all felt so new to me. I was also afraid of what Tony had to tell me.

“You first,” I said. I needed time to think about what I was going to say to him.

“Okay,” Tony sighed and ran his fingers through his slightly damp hair. I watched as he pulled through the tangles that had formed in his hair after his shower. He smelled fresh – not like cologne or body wash, he just smelt clean and I loved his smell. I wanted to bury my head into his shirt and just cuddle up to him. He cleared his throat and I was able to bring myself back to the conversation. “I have feelings for you, obviously, and I just wanted to talk a little more about our whole situation here.”

“Okay,” I said slowly. “What about it?”

“Well, the fans know about us, and I know we’ve kind of talked about that, and I just wanted to let you know that just because we’re not officially a couple…I mean…like…you’re the only girl that I’m going to be…with. Like, I’m not going to see anyone else or have sex with anyone else. And I was hoping that you would be willing to do the same.” Tony paused to take in a deep breath. “I know that this is all way too new to be in a relationship or anything, but I really want to be in a relationship with you someday. I just need a little bit of time to figure this all out, and I’m sure you feel the same. But in the meantime, I just want you to know that I am going to be committed to you, just without the label part? I don’t really know if I am making sense here…”

“I understand what you’re saying. And I feel the same way. That red-head a while ago…that was just a weird and confusing time. I’m not interested in anyone but you.”

Tony smiled widely and turned away just a bit to hide it. I quickly placed my fingers under his chin and lifted his head up so I could see his beautiful smile. The way it stretched all the way up to his eyes, making them crease in the outer corners. I liked to see his teeth. The way his two “vampire teeth” reached up higher in his gums than the rest and the way his cheeks bunched up right under his eyes, making his face rounder made me smile along with him. “Fuck, I love your smile.”

Tony smiled even wider and leaned in to give me a quick kiss on my cheek. He didn’t say anything; instead he just got up and walked out of the room. I sat in a daze for a few moments, admiring the moment we just had and the way I got to stare at his smile.

I don’t know how long I sat like that for, but when I started to hear yelling coming from the bunks, I suddenly remembered that I never got to talk to Tony about how Mike and I had kissed. I could hear Mike’s voice followed by Tony’s, and I knew right away that I fucked up.

The door was pushed open quickly.

“Really?” Mike yelled. “You said you were going to fucking tell him! Now everything is fucked!”

“I’m sorry! He started talking and then we just got caught up in his conversation and – wait, why is it fucked? What happened?”

“I went up to him to apologize about it myself and fuck, Meedie, he was really confused and now it all sounds really fucking bad. I thought you already told him so I was going to apologize on my end for it all! Now he’s pissed!” Mike was pacing the room, his voice booming through the bus. He gently rammed his fist into the wall and let out a groan followed by some curse words.

“Where is he?” I asked while getting up from the couch. “Did he go in the venue?”

“I doubt that,” Mike huffed. “He was really pissed, Meedie. I’ve never seen him so angry.”

I pulled out my cell phone and found Tony’s name. “Fuck, how could I be so stupid?” I said more to myself than anything. I could only imagine how horrible Mike’s apology must have sounded to Tony, especially after we had just agreed to not sleep or see anyone else. I should have gone first. I should have told him first. I could be avoiding this entire situation.

The phone rang twice before going straight to voicemail. I called again. Straight to voicemail.

After the beep, I let myself ramble. “Tony, please come back to the bus and talk to me. I told you that I needed to talk to you. I just…it’s not what it sounds like, Tony, I swear to you. Please come talk to me and let me explain. This wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Please, just. I’m sorry.”

I walked over to the front of the bus and took a seat on the couch. Jaime and Vic were sitting at the table, each busy on their computers. Mike was still in the back. I was left alone with my thoughts. I stared at my phone, then back up at the door, then back down at my phone, hoping that Tony would call me back or just come back to the bus. But he didn’t.

I tried to imagine how the conversation went with Tony and Mike. Mike probably walked up to Tony and apologized, just straight up telling him that he was sorry for what happened and that he had no idea that me and Tony were a thing. Tony probably gave him the most confused look. I imagined the way his smile must have faded. His perfect, bright smile probably dropped very slowly. His eyes losing their spark, his eyes no longer creased, and his teeth no longer showing.

“Hey.”

I looked up to see Vic standing over me. He gave me a small smile before sitting down next to me and gently pulling my phone away from my hands. “I know that we don’t talk as much as we used to. That’s okay though, because after last year, you kind of shut all of us out. Tony did the same thing. But you didn’t shut each other out. And because of that I know that he’ll come around and you guys will work this out.”

I gave Vic the best impression of a smile that I could muster, but the image of Tony’s smile fading was still playing in my head. “Thanks, Vic. I love you so much,” I said softly. He pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head over and over again. I missed Vic. He was like a big brother to me, but he was right. As soon as Marky died, our talks became less frequent and our connection was severed a bit. I shut myself off from the world, and I was just barely starting to come back because of Tony. He was slowly bringing me back to life. He was changing my life more and more every single day.

“Tony will come around, Meedie,” Jaime piped up. “I’ve known that kid for half of my life, and I know that he doesn’t just run away from things. He’ll come back, and he’ll want to talk it through. He’s probably just blowing off some steam so he can have a civilized talk instead of a yelling match. Trust me on this one.”

“Thanks, Himes.”

Jaime gave me a slight nod and a sad smile. Vic’s alarm went off from inside his pocket.

“Oh, uh, it’s time to head into the venue,” Vic said. “Tony’s probably already inside.”

I stood up with the rest of the boys and straightened out my shirt and wiped under the eyes just to make sure my makeup wasn’t smudged all over my face. Vic went to the back to tell Mike that we needed to head out and we all exited the bus together. I could see the fans in the distance, staring and pointing at the bus as we exited. I gave them a slight wave while I followed Jaime toward the back door of the venue.

As Jaime pushed open the door to our dressing room, I took in a deep breath to try and calm my nerves. Sure enough, Tony was in the room. He was standing at the back counter pouring himself a small glass of whiskey with some ice cubes. He swirled the drink around the ice before gently taking a drink. Nobody said anything, we just took a seat and waited as the rest of the bands entered our room and the boys’ tour manager stepped in to go over the plans for the night and tell us all when bus call was going to be.

I didn’t listen though. I stared at Tony as he continued to lean on the counter, swirling his whiskey with his eyes fixated on the cup. He didn’t look up once. His expression never changed. But I knew he could feel me staring at him. I could tell by the way he would awkwardly scratch at his neck with his free hand every now and then. He was nervous. But I could also tell in the way that his head hung that he was really upset. I had hurt him. And because of that, I was upset, too.

I should have never let Mike kiss me. I should have never kissed Mike back. I should have told Tony right after it happened. I should have never assumed that it could be just nothing. Nothing was ever easy. All I did was ruin everything. I had ruined Tony’s mood, possibly his entire day. I was a burden to the bus. To the entire tour. I was just there because I was unstable, and Vic and Mike wanted to take care of me but instead I had to go and fuck everything up even worse by getting involved with Tony.

Getting involved with Tony was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have been so selfish – I should have known that with new relationships and feelings comes drama. With drama comes fights. And with fights comes break-ups. And break-ups can effect everybody. Although Tony and I weren’t in a relationship, we could still break-up. We could break-up our feelings, our friendship, or worse…the band. Letting Mike kiss me while I had been developing feelings for Tony was a stupid decision – a decision that could easily put tension on stage, and ruin the performance for the fans. It could put a void in their friendship, and possibly the entire band.

As I followed the boys to the stage and watched them grab their instruments, I thought about Marky. I thought about how Marky and I would always make sure we went on that stage together with no worries and no tensions. We would forget about everything while we were out there and just perform. We would let the music bring us all back together as a band. It wouldn’t necessarily solve our problems, but it would help ease the tension. Marky’s worst fear was to let the fans feel the tension because we were out there to help them forget, and help them have a good time. Not to burden them with our drama.

“Tony,” I said as I grabbed onto his wrist. His guitar was already over his shoulders and the guys were all stretching and warming up. I pulled him toward me and wrapped my arms around his neck tightly. He didn’t hug me back, though. But that was okay. I just needed him to know that I still cared. That I wanted to help fix this. “We will talk after the show tonight. I promise to explain everything to you and I promise that we will figure this out. But promise me that you won’t let all of this follow you onto the stage tonight. Forget about it and make the fans happy,” I whispered into her ear.

“I promise,” he whispered back softly. I was somewhat disappointed when he didn’t say anything more, but then again I guess I didn’t deserve much more of a response.

The boys finished up their stretching and warm-ups, recited their usual chant, and bounced out onto the stage once their intro started up. I watched the boys perform wildly, not holding anything back just like they did every single night. Tony still roamed the stage like he usually did. He let himself become completely immersed in the music, a small, concentrated smile playing on his lips every now and then.

When it was my cue to sing, I took the microphone and walked out to my normal spot in the center of the stage, right beside Vic. The crowd was endless – bodies jumping and bouncing for what seemed like miles. I missed this energy. It immediately lifted my mood.

And just before I finished singing, Tony made his way over to me, leaning into me just slightly as he strummed his guitar. I slung my arm around his neck and pressed a hard kiss against his temple after I finished my last lyric. Tony smiled widely and pulled away from me to go back to hovering over the front row that was now swooning over me and Tony. I finished the song out with Vic and took a bow before excusing myself from the stage, but not before Tony could stop me and wrap his arms around my shoulders. The crowd cheered loudly at his actions.

My shirt brushed against his guitar strings, sending a very faint scratching noise through the venue. I didn’t have time to hug him back. He pulled away and gave me a gentle smile before turning his attention back toward the crowd while Mike counted them off for the next song.

Notes

Hey guys, so sorry that it took me so long to update this! I had a friend over for the last four days so we were pretty busy spending time together. She only lives about forty minutes away, but still. It was the first time we had really spent so much time together. I don't know why I'm rambling about it, but I just want to let you know that I had a lot of fun with her. I gave her a medusa piercing and I gave myself a madonna piercing. Woo! I also got the Bulls in the Bronx PTV sweatshirt from Hot Topic. It's heaven.

Just letting you all know that I am going to visit family next week, so updates on all of my stories may be a bit slower than usual. I'm going to try to update them all before I leave on Saturday, but I can't promise anything.

My Mike story will be updated for sure before Saturday though. Sorry for the wait on the updates. Love you all! xoxo.