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Was it really your time?

Can we create something beautiful and destroy it?

I suddenly woke to these voices. At first I couldn’t determine who’s who.

“Water, get water!”

“Viiiiiiiiiic! He’s not waking up.”

“Maybe we need to slap him.”

“I’ll do the slapping!” I heard Alex.

“Wait he owes me I’ll do it.” Tony said.

“Idiots! Nobody slap him, he’s awake.” Said Lynn.

I slowly opened my eyes. “What happened?” They are all surrounding me like I was the one who’s about to give birth. Wait Jenna. “Where’s Jenna?”

“Dude, you’re such a pussy you blacked out.” Cam said.

“Language!” Mike and Quinn said.

“Dad says p-u-s-s-s-y is bad.” Quinn said.

“Woah, when did you learn how to spell?” Cam asked Quinn. And she just shrugged him off.

“Jenna went in already, dude.” Tony said.

“Wait, without me? What happened? Is the baby gonna be okay?” I said as I started to move and sat down.

“Well what do you think? You’ve been unconscious for about an hour.” Kellin said.

One hour? What the fuck. Cam was right. I’m a pussy. My wife went in without me.
“Wait an ultrasound doesn’t last for one hour!” I said.

“Yeah, but they said it looks.. um, a bit bad so they’re gonna run some tests first.”

“What do you mean by ‘a bit bad’? I have to go!” I said but they all stopped me. I looked at their blank faces. What the hell is up.

“They wouldn’t let you in anyways. And they’re going to be back soon. Just wait here.” Kellin said.

As much I hate to admit it, Kellin’s right. All I can do now is wait and wait and wait some more. And what do they mean by ‘a bit bad’? Are we going to have to choose now? The baby or Jenna. I can’t help but remember a moment a couple of weeks back. It was days after we found out about her condition, after we she was hospitalized for three days because of severe bleeding.

*flashback*
I pulled over in front of our apartment here in New York. The house is not that big, four bedrooms and two story. It’s a bit different to what we have in San Diego and our vacation house in Australia, but out of all our houses, this is my favorite. There was silence, lots of it as I turned the car engine off. I turned to Jenna who’s staring blankly ahead.

“Come on. You need to rest.” I said reaching for her hand. It is the only thing I’m sure would be fitting for the situation. We just found out about her very dangerous condition. We could either lose the baby or we could lose her. I don’t know how else to put it. They said there is a very slim chance for the both of them to survive.

She was quiet for about a minute and then she spoke, “I wanna see the surprise.” She said plainly.

“It’s not a good time.” I said.

“I wanna see the surprise.” She reapeated again and got out of the car. I followed her inside the house.

“Jenna, it’s not a good idea at the moment.” I said once again but she just ignored me.
She found the nursery I had been working on for days. She held the doorknob for one moment before opening it and then spoke.

“So this where you disappear after we tuck Q to bed.” She said with a weak smile. I just stood there frozen, unable to do anything about the fucked up situation that we are in. I was breathing heavily, and she was tearing up. I took one step closer to her and she shook her head on me. But still I moved. I got to her back and held her shoulders. She’s still holding on to the door knob, still processing whether she would want to see it or not. I kissed the back of her head, inhaling the scent of her hair. How could this have happened? Where did we go wrong?

Maybe it was the times Jenna had to perform even though they already cut her performance time. Whak and the other boys have been very decent to entertain the fans whenever Jenna has to pause for a breather. Or maybe it was because of the stress and the unhealthy environment during warped, all the touring and staying up late. Or maybe it was the times I wasn’t there to remind her to always eat healthy and to not push herself too much, the times I couldn’t come home to accompany her to monthly checkups. I could have done something. I could have been there more. I could have canceled some of the shows. Now it’s too late.

She took a deep, shaky breath before twisting the door handle open. She scanned the room for a moment and what I saw weakened my bones. She was crying, really really hard, almost like breakdown. I have never seen Jenna like this. I wanna hold her, but I know even that wouldn’t be enough to lessen the weight on her shoulders. I could hold her forever, and it still wouldn’t be enough.

She walked inside the room and headed towards the changing station where I hanged a couple of little band t-shirts and onesies that says, ‘My mom rocks’ and ‘My dad rocks’. She held one little band t-shirt that says Tonight Alive and the onesie that says ‘My mom rocks’ and sat on the rocking chair. She stared at it for one second and held them close to her chest, hugging them as tears continuously pour down her cheeks. I ran my hands through my hair and buried my face in it.

“It’s beautiful.” She said. The room is simple. It’s not that big also. I had to call Kellin to help me arrange a sort of rock and roll themed nursery. I painted the walls a light shade of blue, and ordered red matts and the furniture from IKEA. I know that sounds easy but it’s not. I had to assemble the crib for hours and pick out the furniture myself. It’s not that hard hiding it from Jenna because she’s just in bed all day. Quinn and I made a painting of our family.

She stood up and put the shirts back in place. “I’m just gonna need a minute.” She said before storming out of the room.

What is gonna happen now? I punched the wall out of the anger rising in my chest. Why is this happening to us?

I found her sitting on the couch inside our room, staring outside the window, still crying. I walked over to her and sat next to her.

“We haven’t even picked out names yet. I was thinking Tyler or Caleb.” She said wiping a tear.

I sighed. “Jenna, no. Don’t do this. We need to take a couple of days. And process this.”

“When I think of the time I found out I was pregnant again, I thought I didn’t wanna have to deal with this again, have a baby. Like I couldn’t handle it again, with all the work that will be put to side, and the stress.” She ran a hand through her blonde hair and shook her head.

“Babe it doesn’t work like that. The universe doesn’t punish you for being afraid” I said.

“I know, I know.” She nodded. “I just..” She said as she stood up.

“Jenna the doctor said—“

“I know what she said!”

“Listen, listen to me.” I held her by the shoulders, “You have this baby, and you could die.”

“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t, Vic.” She said looking straight to my eyes, “I’m having this baby.” She said before walking out again. This time I followed her immediately.

“The doctor did say something could happen to you. He said that there is a very good chance. Jenna, she said we could lose the baby anyway.” I grabbed her arm and hugged her. I kissed the top of her head as she cried. “You don’t have to decide now. We could take a couple days before we go back.”

“For an abortion!” She said pulling away. She took a couple of steps back.

“Thats not what the doctor called it.”

“THAT’S WHAT IT IS!” She yelled, “if you would really like to talk about it, you could at least call it what it is!”

“How could this happen to us? Jenna, what did we miss?” I said in defeat.

“I may have some pain the last couple of months.” She said quietly.

How could she keep this a secret from me!? That is unfuckingbelievable! I took steps toward her. “How could you not have told me this?!”

“Because I didn’t want you to worry and they said it was nothing.” She said.

“This isn’t nothing, Jenna. You could have told me!” I said.

“How, Victor? Tell me how?! You were always away! I would call you but you’re always either just going to go on stage or you’re too tired and too problematic about some random shit!” She yelled back. She took another shaky breath and wiped another tear. “Look, I am not blaming you for this. Maybe it’s just whatever happens happens.”

“What does that mean?” I said furrowing my eyebrows. “You know that’s really selfish, you know that? REALLY SELFISH!” I yelled slamming on the nearest wall. We never yelled at each other like this.

“How is this selfish?”

“Okay fine! You want me to be the bad guy? FINE! We’ll call it what it is. But if continuing this pregnancy means I lose you, it’s better we end it.” I said the words that have been inside my throat for minutes now, not holding back.

“It’s not an ‘it’!” She walked over to me. She held my hand and put it on her stomach. “Vic, this is you and me. You felt his heartbeat, you saw its tiny fingers and its toes.”

“STOP! Okay, stop!”

“I’m not gonna stop, Vic! I want you to think about it!”

“I don’t care! I don’t care about what this child is gonna look like! We already have Quinn! I care about this child and Quinn growing up without a mother. And I am going to guilt you into this if in the end, it keeps you alive.”

“YOU ARE SUCH A DICK!”

“Then fine, I’m dick.” I said before walking out.
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This is the baby's room