Two weeks. Two weeks since I was kidnapped. Two weeks since I was in the hospital. Two weeks since fear has been with me.

I shut my eyes and squeezed them tight, trying to get my thoughts to quiet down. It wasn’t working. I sighed and came to terms that I was stuck with this feeling of fright and uselessness. And possible depression. Mike had suggested that I go to therapy to try to deal with everything I was feeling but I didn’t have the time to do that. Instead I sucked it up and talked to Gabi or Kellin whenever I felt low.

Now was one of those low moments but it was 3 o’clock in the morning so I refrained from texting Gabs or Kell. Instead I let out another sigh and stared at the ceiling.

It was impossible to sleep. Every day for the last two weeks I felt as if someone was gonna take me from my bed. That’s why I made Mike stay over every night since then. I always felt safer with his arms around me.

Tonight wasn’t one of those nights unfortunately. Mike was sleeping peacefully next to me just like he had been for the last two weeks. I however was battling the thoughts that creeped into my mind.

You’re not safe. You’ll never be safe. They’ll come back and then what?

I didn’t wanna think about it.

I sat up and dangled my legs off the side of the bed. I should get some sleep. Maybe take a pill? No, that wouldn’t help in the long run. I’d feel the same feelings in the morning. With yet another sigh I got up and went to the kitchen. Maybe a drink would help.

I got a glass of water and sat on the couch with the TV on. I was tired but not in the right mind to sleep so a distraction was needed. After flipping through channels I settled on some random sitcom, not really intending to pay attention to what was going on.

I let my mind wander once again and soon I was brought back to my depressive state. I squeezed my eyes in hope that that would push the thoughts out of my mind. Wishful thinking.

I was sitting in the dark with nothing but the light and sounds of the TV to accompany my dark thoughts. Why couldn’t I get past this? Why was it so hard to push it out? Why did I want to push it out so desperately? I could easily talk to someone about how I was feeling but I always refused to. Kell and Gabs were the only ones I could open up to because I trusted them more than anyone. Why? I didn’t have an answer for that.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Mike or the others; it was just that I felt closer to Kell and Gabi than I did with everyone else. I didn’t wanna tell Brandon how I felt because he’d get all big brother on me. Honestly, I just wanted to be heard and not lectured.

Right now I wanted the pulsating thoughts to cease. I wanted to be able to crawl back into bed with Mike and sleep. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

“Kay?” I looked up to see Mike standing in the threshold of the small hallway. He was rubbing his eyes in the dim light of the TV. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I said sheepishly, “I just couldn’t sleep.”

“Bad dream?”

“No, just too much on my mind.” I got up from the couch and walked over to him. I grabbed his hand lightly and tugged on it. “Let’s go to bed.” He gave me a concerned look but didn’t say anything as he picked the remote up from the couch and turned off the TV. Together we walked back to the bedroom and snuggled under the covers, his arm wrapped around my waist. He went back to sleep instantly. Me, I stayed awake for what felt like hours with the demons in my head tormenting me.

***

“Damn, you look like shit.” I rolled my eyes at Kellin’s comment as I sipped my coffee. “Seriously Kay, did you get any sleep?”

“Not really,” I sighed.

“Thoughts get to you again?” I nodded. “You need to talk to someone about this.”

“I talk to you.” He rolled his eyes.

“Seriously Kay, you’re so damn stubborn. Talk to Mike at least. You know he’s worried about you.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I know.” I just couldn’t talk to Mike. He didn’t need to see me so weak. The look on Kellin’s face made me know that he knew what I was thinking.

“He’s not gonna think any less of you because you admit you’re scared. He wants to help you but he can’t if you don’t let him in.”

“I know.” He sighed, knowing that I said that to drop the subject. Thankfully he didn’t say anything more and went back to eating his breakfast.

I wanted to open up, I really did, but I wasn’t programmed like that. My parents weren’t very open with their emotions when it came to each other. My dad hated showing the vulnerable side of him to my mom because he was supposed to be a man. My mom hated doing the same but that was because she thought my dad would think she was weak. Either way, I got my reluctance for showing anything other than happiness from my parents; it was etched in my personality from birth.

“Kay?” I looked over to Kellin who had been trying to get my attention. “I said it’s time for class.”

“Oh, sorry.” I gathered my things and we walked out of the dining hall together.

The rest of the day went by quietly. Or maybe it did; I was pretty out of it all day. Everyone noticed my lack of emotion, especially Mike. I didn’t really pick up on what he was thinking until the end of the day when he approached me.

“Hey beautiful,” he said when he reached me as I was heading to my car.

“Hi,” I said with a small smile.

“Look, I’m just gonna cut to the chase. You’ve been acting weird lately and I know you don’t wanna talk about it but I can’t keep being pushed aside so be ready for an adventure when I get back from practice. You don’t have to dress nice, just comfortably.” He kissed my cheek before I got a chance to respond then walked away. I shook my head to rid my mind of the confusion and drove back to my apartment.

Hours passed while Mike was gone. I did homework in the meantime to distract myself. It was 8:30 when I finally got a text from my boyfriend telling me to go outside. I rolled my eyes at the fact that he didn’t come up; he had a key. I let go of the thought and went downstairs anyway. He was leaning against his car when I got there.

“You look perfect,” he said to me when I was reached him. I simply shrugged. I was just wearing a t-shirt and sweats because he said to dress comfy; plus it was a cool night. He opened my door for me before going to his side and driving off.

“So where are we going?” I asked.

“You’ll see.” I rolled my eyes. He knew I hated it when he kept me out of the loop. “Don’t worry, it’s not that special.” I shrugged again and tried to relax in my seat as we passed streetlights.

About twenty minutes later we stopped in front of a lake. Mike turned the car off and I got out in confusion. “Why are we here?” I asked.

“I’m gonna be honest with you Kay, I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you anymore and I’m not sure if you’re shutting me out because you’re mad at me or because there’s a lot going on or whatever. All I know is that I want you to let it all go and I know you’d never tell me what’s wrong so tell the water.” He gestured to the lake when he said the last sentence. I looked in that direction to see nothing but tiny ripples on the water and the moon illuminating them.

“You keep so much bottled in and that’s not healthy. Scream your frustrations out.”

I looked at my boyfriend who was standing there, looking at me with hopeful eyes, and shook my head. I couldn’t be that open, not with him standing there.

“Are you serious?” he asked in a frustrated tone. “God Kay, what will it take for you to let it go?”

“You don’t get it Mike.”

“What don’t I get? What, can you not do it because I’m standing here? Can you really not open up because of me? Dammit Kaylee, I’m your fucking boyfriend!”

“Mike, it’s not-”

“It’s not what? It’s not like that? Yes the fuck it is! I only wanna help you but fuck me right? You know what, you can handle this on your own.” I looked at him with wide eyes, tears threatening to fall.

“Oh, so now you wanna show emotion? Fuck that! I’ve spent weeks, no months, trying to get you to open up to me. I’ve been patient and loving and yet you push me aside like I’m not enough for you. To make matters worse you go to Kellin and pour your heart out. Yeah, I know you call him in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep. I’m so tired of all this shit!”

“You wanna know why I don’t talk to you?” I asked, finally having enough of him digging into me. “I’m scared Mike. I’m scared of being vulnerable; I’m scared of letting you in. Why? Because as soon as I do you’ll think less of me. You’ll think I’m weak or crazy for thinking these things and then that’ll be it and I can’t-I can’t do that.”

“What makes you think I’ll do that?” he asked, his voice softer.

“Because when I’m scared I get irrational.”

“Let me be the judge of that.” I shook my head in protest. “Kaylee,” he said sternly.

“No Mike.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.”

“You really wanna know?” I yelled, tired of how he was acting toward me.

“That would be a nice change of pace.”

“Fine! Every night I go to bed scared that someone will take me away. Who? I don’t know, just someone. I think I’m gonna be kidnapped and killed. That’s why I make you sleep over, because you’ll protect me. But even when you’re there I still get depressed. My mind goes back to that night and I can’t shake it, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be here because then I’d be okay. I feel like I should just disappear.”

“Kaylee…”

“No, you wanted me to open up so let me.” He nodded. “I don’t wanna put you or anyone else I love in danger and I don’t want you guys to feel sorry for me so I keep it inside because there’s not really anything any of you could do to help me. I just wanna be myself again.” At that point I was a crying, shaking mess. Mike instinctively wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest. That’s when I let go. I cried out all the emotions I had been holding in for the last few weeks and let them puddle up on Mike’s shirt. He rubbed my back in an attempt to calm me down.

“I had no idea,” he said softly into my hair. “I’m so sorry.” I just continued to cry.

He had nothing to apologize for; it was my fault. I kept it all in, I shut him out and it brought me to the point of no return.

“Kaylee?” I looked up through the tears to see Mike’s concerned face. “You’re not alone in this, and I don’t ever want you to think that you are.”

“But-”

“No,” he said sternly, “you’re not. You have so many people who love you and who wanna help. Don’t you ever for a second think that we’re anything less than that.”

I took in what he said as I dried my tears. I knew I wasn’t alone, but that didn’t make me feel any better. So I did the thing that I knew would help. I pulled away from Mike and walked toward the water. I stopped when I got to the shore and screamed as loud as I could. I screamed out all my frustrations, all my doubt, and all my fear. I screamed until my voice was voice was hoarse and then I stood there out of breath. It was just what I needed.

I felt okay for the first time in a long time. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could finally breathe. I finally had my life back in my own hands.

Mike walked up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. I just placed my hand on top of his as I watched the little ripples dance on the water. “You okay?” he asked. I gave his hand a squeeze. Yes, I was okay. For the first time in months I was okay. I had opened up and let it all go.

That night I was able to fall asleep without worry. Mike held me as usual but I didn’t wake up when he rolled away. I had taken my sanity back. I had taken my life back, and because of that I wanted to make whoever put me in a depression pay. They were gonna have to make up for what they did to me.

Notes